This post is going to be whiny
Have you read the title? That's your warning.
Ever have one of those moments where you realize that you've screwed up everyone's plans? You manage to depress everyone, and just generally ruin everyone's day?
Today's been one of those moments for me. Except instead of it being ruining one day, I've ruined the next couple of months. Don't believe me? Two trips have been cancelled since I started this mess. I don't know that I can fix it either. In fact, I pretty much know that I can't. And the only person I can blame, honestly, is myself. Sure, there are outside factors that "could" remove the blame from me. But they're really just excuses.
There's no excuse for it. There's no way to make it better. And I get to be reminded of it daily for a long time. And I deserve that. I'm sure people will tell me it's not my fault. They already have. They've already tried to tell me that it isn't and show why. But you know what? It is. And them blaming themselves only makes me feel worse. Which I deserve.
I'm so scared of this weekend. I don't know how I'm going to go home. Hell, I've been crying for about 2 hours now and the tears won't let up. Even though they solve nothing. Me feeling bad solves nothing. Me apologizing solves nothing. You know why? Because I've started something that can't be fixed.
And I don't know what I'm going to do.
Ever have one of those moments where you realize that you've screwed up everyone's plans? You manage to depress everyone, and just generally ruin everyone's day?
Today's been one of those moments for me. Except instead of it being ruining one day, I've ruined the next couple of months. Don't believe me? Two trips have been cancelled since I started this mess. I don't know that I can fix it either. In fact, I pretty much know that I can't. And the only person I can blame, honestly, is myself. Sure, there are outside factors that "could" remove the blame from me. But they're really just excuses.
There's no excuse for it. There's no way to make it better. And I get to be reminded of it daily for a long time. And I deserve that. I'm sure people will tell me it's not my fault. They already have. They've already tried to tell me that it isn't and show why. But you know what? It is. And them blaming themselves only makes me feel worse. Which I deserve.
I'm so scared of this weekend. I don't know how I'm going to go home. Hell, I've been crying for about 2 hours now and the tears won't let up. Even though they solve nothing. Me feeling bad solves nothing. Me apologizing solves nothing. You know why? Because I've started something that can't be fixed.
And I don't know what I'm going to do.