First few days of college
I suddenly have so much freedom and yet none at all. I can be anyone I want to be and do anything I want to do, but I don't know what that is. I'm terrified. Really. I feel like I'm still being watched by my mother and I'm blocking myself from this freedom by my own inhibitions and prelearned mannerisms. I feel like the people I would have been friends with won't give me a chance because I don't look as dorky and approachable as I used to, The people who do notice me are the people I would have fought with usually. I don't fit with them either because I don't have an attitude and I can't act bored all the time for fun. I'm afraid to be myself for fear I'll end up alone. I can't be fearless. I'm still shy and awkward but I compensate by putting on a tough sarcastic and superficially friendly front like everyone else. I feel like a total flake and I'm tired of it. I want clubs to start soon because it will be a chance to display my real interests in a more accepting setting. I hope I make friends soon.