Insights are not always Wisdom

[elvensilverdoor]

I think I may be one of the horniest women alive. I don't say this for the sake of bolstering my own sex appeal, or to downplay the sexual appetites of any other woman on earth. Basically it may just be me complaining about never getting any. I'm young, attractive, fit, intelligent, independent, AND a good listener. I kinda hate my job, but really that's the only current low point of my life circa this year. So why is it I haven't had so much as a smooch, let alone sex, in almost a year and a half??! Fail, Kelly, FAIL! I mean seriously, I have nearly all of what many men look for, and very little of what they don't, so why am I ALWAYS single?! It's like I have this chronic disease of being sans relationship. Obviously I'm not one of those people who defines herself by who she's with or finds no worth in herself when single. How can I be when I've had next to no relationships to define me in the first place? Sure, my self worth isn't all that sparkly, but it's mostly negative comments from childhood lingering, or a sense that no one seems to pay any bloody attention to me! My parents repeat things I've just said as if I hadn't uttered a word. People on the street or in stores never say hello (although I'm guilty of not doing so as well). I'm not a screaming extrovert, but I do enjoy company and conversation and human contact. But it feels like I've turned into a hermit. I work, I ride, I eat, I sleep, then get up and do it all over again. Small wonder I equate my job with being such a large part of who I am- its' all I ever do! Its' a good thing my hours are fairly restricted, or I would most definitely be a workaholic. Even if I don't like my damn job! It's as if work is an outlet that keeps me surrounded by people, yet safe from interacting with those I don't know. Or something. Quite honestly, I don't know what to DO when strangers say hello or show interest. THERE'S probably why I'm single, maybe I'm just not paying attention? Or I've turned myself into a social reject? I really have no idea, other than I almost panic when asked to give a response to an unexpected greeting. This isn't a kind of social anxiety disorder, because I'm not scared or wracked by weird conflicting emotions or something like that. I'm happy they've acknowledged me, but I freak out because I feel like my brain can't come up with anything interesting enough, fast enough to make them want to keep talking to me! At least some people DO occasionally talk to me. This is proof enough to me that either my icy demeanor is actually only slightly frosty, or there are those out there in the world that are too naive to notice or really just don't give a damn. I think I'd like to meet a man in that second group. He sees the cool, calm exterior, but realizes it's just an initial outward impression and that it doesn't matter because that's not who any of us are anyway. That'd be perfect, having a man who actually Wants to know how I tick and is willing to pry a little to find out. Is that just self-exploration via partner? I really can't say that for sure either, but gosh it sounds nice. Just further proof that I'm Not a hermit I guess. Most of them are happy being alone in their solidarity, and I can't wait for someone to come up and crack my shell open with a ball-peen hammer. Yep, that's me for ya.

And in completely random other news, I jumped my mare bareback yesterday. Totally fun- I'd like to think for both of us. Trainer was all worried because Taki was flipping out on her at the canter Saturday, but she's been an angel for me the last three rides, so I'm wagering she just didn't like something she was asked to do/had a mare day/was sore that day from rough-housing in the field. She's been more than willing to go forward, hasn't swapped a lead, or done Anything obnoxious for me in over 2 weeks, so I'm not really worried. Which means a small part of me is, but I'm hiding it really well. Until I blurb it on LJ. *facepalm* SHE'S AWESOME AND I LOVE MY MARE! *pony hugs* There, I feel better now. ^__^

Oh, and I had this random dream about Troy the other night. (No, not That kind of dream, get your mind out of that gutter!) There was a one-eyed black/bay horse, a decrepit old sorrel on his last leg and a small gray tabby kitten. And my Parents were in it! I have no possible idea what it could mean, but it was very vivid, which is also odd for me. So vivid I actually texted him to see if he'd ever owned a one-eyed horse. His brother had, but it was the wrong color. I'm glad my psychic was kinda fail, because quite frankly it creeps me out when it isn't! :p