we're half awake in a fake empire
"we're so disarming darling, everything we did believe/ is diving, diving, diving, diving off the balcony"
i am vain. i am incredibly vain. i am incredibly vain and narcissistic. i think very highly of myself. do you know what's even more amazing? how much a person can change in just a few small years. i will be 24 this year. TWENTY. FOUR. i want to be okay with this number, but i am not. there's still so much i want to see and do and be and feel. i have not yet scratched the surface in regards to the depth and range of my feelings. i am scared of my feelings. in an argument, someone once told me i was afraid of being content. maybe that's true. then again, i question why they think they fucking know me so well. you never know a person. ever.
i look at pictures of myself from high school and am blown away by the progress a person can make in 6 years. as of may 27th, i will have officially been a high school graduate for 6 full years. from 18 to 24, i have experienced a level of growth that's incredible and every single fucking day i can feel myself changing. we never stop changing, do we? but, we also must keep some sort of core foundation, right? that no matter how different we may seem, there are still certain, specific parts of us that are the exact same? maybe not. maybe at some point, we just say FUCK IT and let it all go, building from scratch and forming a new identity. who knows. i wouldn't even recognize myself if i talked to 18 year old me right now. honestly, i'd probably slap the shit out of myself and tell me to get over all of the horseshit bullshit. none of it mattered anyway.
i've been looking at Ph.D programs that will take me far away from Kentucky. i've been looking north and west. i don't really want to go south or midwest. i either want to be west or north; i want to find my niche. it's not here. i've been talking a lot about my past lately and it's making me wonder whether or not the skeletons and ghosts of my life are one of the reasons why i'm finding it increasingly impossible to succeed in Kentucky. i'm trapped here, haunted by numerous past lives when i'm honestly just trying to figure out my present.
tired and wired, we ruin to easy/sleep in our clothes and wait for winter to leave/ and i'll be with you behind the couch when they come/ on a different day, just like this one
i love The National.
i wish i could see a snapshot of every instance in my life where i had to make a decision; i would like to see myself at the end of all those avenues and what my life would have been like if i had said "oh, no, i'll go with choice B instead of A this time" and find out where i would have headed if i had chosen that direction. that's probably everyone's dream, right? it's almost like cheating. you don't learn if you cheat. you have to be slapped in the face and fail before information penetrates a thick skull. goddammit, i don't even know where i'm going with this.
all my friends are leaving Kentucky. all my friends are leaving. all my friends. friends. i won't survive without my friends.