Hilarity.
I found this document on my hard drive and it's had me in fits of giggles. These quotes won't be as funny without hearing Scott Burgess' voice in your head. But perhaps someone will find some of them as hysterically funny as I do. Scott was a delightful British man that I had as a professor in Italy.
“Ah, so you're giving yourself a mild case of dysentery!”
“Everything is tasteless in Britain.”
“No, no, the roast beef is very good”
“Why does the book fall to the ground when you drop it? Does it want to break itself, and make you sad?”
“God does not want fire to burn you, but he can't go against the laws of physics.”
“Did he [an ancient Greek philosopher] think the heart pumped blood?”
“Yes. He's not crazy.”
“He was quite concerned with the nature of sponges.”
“So it's just like being a regular anorexic, only it's much more work?”
On Heracles:
Scott: “He's a brute.”
Sam: “And a drunk.”
Kelly: “And stupid.”
Scott: “And a transvestite.”
“When I said Western, I really just meant... Britain.”
“It's a mythical unbreakable metal. Although how it can be fashioned into a sickle remains to be seen.”
“We used to export criminals to Australia... and to America actually, until the Americans... didn't let us do it anymore...”
Scott: “A beautiful person possesses beauty, and what else?”
Sam: “Justice.”
Scott: “... Or legs.”
“Well, I suppose a better example would be syphilis.”
“What are you pensando-ing?
“Imagine a sensual Jiminey Cricket that just likes to drink and meet woman crickets.”
“I'm more interested in this image of sharks littering the bottom of the sea because they are covered with sea crap.”
“I think the beauty of heroin is that its very cheap. Does anyone know exactly how much you need, to have a good time, the first time out? *silence* Oh. Well. Little.”
“'But you promised not to invade Kazakhstan!' *pause* Well, what could I do?”
“You could say something like, 'Here boy!' Like Black Beauty. Poor Beauty...”
“Platonic love is not the love of an aunt or a well meaning or perhaps distant grandmother.”
“He just loves bodies. He loves them all.”
“Let's say yellow and blue are opposites. *pause* *matter-of-factly* They're not.”
“The three pigs? How does that work?”
“... The three little pigs?”
“Yes. The three. Little. Pigs.”
“Why can't the demiurge just do a crap job?”
“How much metal do you need to make one million souls? *silence* No come on, have a guess.”
“Dogs can't look up... properly.”
“The Timaeus makes a distinction between noise, or crappy music, and ordered music.”
“Fish can't see stars.”
“... What if you're a flying fish?”
*Scott giggles hysterically*
“And what shape is a fish's head?”
“Flat.”
“Except for a squid, are they smarter?”
“They are smarter. They're better.”
“You like to watch horror films by yourself Scott?”
“*giggle* I like to live dangerously.”
“I'm not a fan of natural light.”
“... How is that? Doesn't that make you... *spells S-A-D vertically on the board* ... sad?”
“Imagine a stone going into water, or a dog...”
“What kind of man don't you want in the crows' nest?”
“... A blind man?”
“Aha, no, you wouldn't even consider that.”
“Ah, so you're giving yourself a mild case of dysentery!”
“Everything is tasteless in Britain.”
“No, no, the roast beef is very good”
“Why does the book fall to the ground when you drop it? Does it want to break itself, and make you sad?”
“God does not want fire to burn you, but he can't go against the laws of physics.”
“Did he [an ancient Greek philosopher] think the heart pumped blood?”
“Yes. He's not crazy.”
“He was quite concerned with the nature of sponges.”
“So it's just like being a regular anorexic, only it's much more work?”
On Heracles:
Scott: “He's a brute.”
Sam: “And a drunk.”
Kelly: “And stupid.”
Scott: “And a transvestite.”
“When I said Western, I really just meant... Britain.”
“It's a mythical unbreakable metal. Although how it can be fashioned into a sickle remains to be seen.”
“We used to export criminals to Australia... and to America actually, until the Americans... didn't let us do it anymore...”
Scott: “A beautiful person possesses beauty, and what else?”
Sam: “Justice.”
Scott: “... Or legs.”
“Well, I suppose a better example would be syphilis.”
“What are you pensando-ing?
“Imagine a sensual Jiminey Cricket that just likes to drink and meet woman crickets.”
“I'm more interested in this image of sharks littering the bottom of the sea because they are covered with sea crap.”
“I think the beauty of heroin is that its very cheap. Does anyone know exactly how much you need, to have a good time, the first time out? *silence* Oh. Well. Little.”
“'But you promised not to invade Kazakhstan!' *pause* Well, what could I do?”
“You could say something like, 'Here boy!' Like Black Beauty. Poor Beauty...”
“Platonic love is not the love of an aunt or a well meaning or perhaps distant grandmother.”
“He just loves bodies. He loves them all.”
“Let's say yellow and blue are opposites. *pause* *matter-of-factly* They're not.”
“The three pigs? How does that work?”
“... The three little pigs?”
“Yes. The three. Little. Pigs.”
“Why can't the demiurge just do a crap job?”
“How much metal do you need to make one million souls? *silence* No come on, have a guess.”
“Dogs can't look up... properly.”
“The Timaeus makes a distinction between noise, or crappy music, and ordered music.”
“Fish can't see stars.”
“... What if you're a flying fish?”
*Scott giggles hysterically*
“And what shape is a fish's head?”
“Flat.”
“Except for a squid, are they smarter?”
“They are smarter. They're better.”
“You like to watch horror films by yourself Scott?”
“*giggle* I like to live dangerously.”
“I'm not a fan of natural light.”
“... How is that? Doesn't that make you... *spells S-A-D vertically on the board* ... sad?”
“Imagine a stone going into water, or a dog...”
“What kind of man don't you want in the crows' nest?”
“... A blind man?”
“Aha, no, you wouldn't even consider that.”