Why me?
I think I've reached the lowest of all lows.....I feel so terrible, I'm so lonely and no one is here for me. I can't sleep, I don't eat, and I never feel like myself. I put on a mask in front of everyone....I may act happy but I'm not, I'm so horribly depressed I can't even begin to express it. I was lead on again...lead to believe false things, but it was someone new, no one from the past, I'm done with the past people but....I feel the past feelings returning, worse than ever. And I'm scared...It scares me to death...It makes me think everything is my fault, it makes me feel like I'm not the way that person who I want to be with wants me to be...I feel extra ugly and extra imperfect...All I want to do is be the exact opposite of that. I can't stand this, it's driving me insane, and it's got to end soon...I feel so crushed....and I know people say they care and I thank them but, it's not the right kind of caring, it's not affection, I need affection from someone, I need love, I need someone to love, someone I can share everything and anything with, someone I can kiss, someone who can just be special with...I told Richi that I feel like a seed with no dirt or water. It may not seem as important to some people but it is vital to my energy and health. The only times that I've eaten the past few days was if I was Theo or Julianne, all they did was make me happy and feel better, but the second I left them I started to feel horrible again...I also got to see Allison and Terr just yesterday and it made me feel so good to see them both because I know that I can tell them anything and they'll ALWAYS know how to help even though I didn't really express myself to them much....and used to I would've liked to have seen Cara, but she doesn't give a f*** about me...considering she never says a word to me if se comes up to the school and all she ever thinks about is seeing Kim and Lindsey...People like Cara make me think there is something wrong with myself, they make me think: Did I do something wrong? Why did I do anything? I always screw something up....when I don't. And I sense that Lindsey is trying to get Kim to stop being friends with me...and that may not be true but I SENSE it...I feels like I'm losing friends right and left. I can't be happy for very long can I? I'm so screwed up I don't even know if I'm making sense....I just want to be with this person so much I can't see straight...I don't even know why...I don't know them all that well, but I sensed good vibes and something to work with considering they are "new". (if only I could explain that) I can't express everything I for fear that all will be told... in my mind I said I would'nt cry over this but I did...and I said I would'nt cut over this, but I did...I said I'd try to forget it and go on since it wasn't that in depth yet...but it's too late, I can't help it. I'm so sick of life in general....I'm sick of being happy, sad, mad, depressed, excited, furious, glad, curious, and odd in general, all in the course of like....3 minutes. I can't live knowing that someone can crush me then go on with their life happy happy happy, knowing they crushed me, when I'm sitting alone crying or something...I remember back when I couldn't cry, when it hurt my throat so bad...then finally one day I released it, and it seems like it hasn't stopped since then. I feel SO dead inside and I need someone to resurrect me, someone to be there with me. And I really thought I found someone new because they seemed so incredibly intrigued with me and oddly enough "myself", (which I also will not explain)and then they just ripped me off of my cloud nine. I told rocky that the person was holding a blade, just skimming the surface of my skin, slowly cutting and it felt good, really good...then they just took the blade and gashed it into my skin as hard as they could and left me there, bleeding and in pain...while they just walked away. Now it's only myself who is doing that...and I feel so sick that I almost made myself throw up...and I actually did make myself throw up a little while back because I was so depressed. I can't take being alone anymore, I just can't...I need someone to call my own, someone to call me their own.....