May 02, 2008 01:18
holy hell! have I offended some almighty being from beyond the warp to damn my luck quite this badly?
ok... this is what happened, and this is whatever god's you like honest truth.
I was bored, because in order to continue my part of the project, I was waiting on test results from alan and Gavin. Which was fine. so I went to the Alt may ball to pass a couple of hours and spend some time with friends and steph. Whilst I was there, I had a couple to drink, precisely, a beer, and three double vodka red bulls, to keep me up for the rest of my coding session tonight. Steph, seemed to be quiet from the moment I got there. Which is fine I don't mind. But after a while, we all went outside and we were chatting when huw started going on about how I was whipped, and he said, it was ok to argue with him about being whipped but I wasn't ok with arguing with steph. So, I walked up to her, looked her straight in the eye, and said 'do you think I'm whipped?' and I swear, with a slightly scornful tone in her voice she says 'hell yea, you're whipped', and walks away from me. So, I go and get my stuff thinking, "I'll just have a lil fun and walk away, push her, see what happens". As you do with a girlfriend ya know?
Anyways! I go and get my stuff, and start to walk away, nod to huw on the way out and keep walking, ignoring everyone else. Huw, chases after me to make sure that it isn't his fault, to the point where I had to grab him and say "it's not your fault, you're not in trouble, go back and have fun." which he duly did because steph was walking towards us.
She asked me why I was leaving, I said "why not?" and she pushes me and I say "look, it's quite clear that you don't want me here" so she pulls me over to a bench and sits me down to talk. So, we start to talk, and I tell her, and this is almost word for word, this following paragraph:
"you aren't looking for a guy who is whipped, you are looking for a guy with independence. You aren't looking for a guy who is a mirror, because that's what I am, you're looking for a guy to distract you. You're not looking for a guy to say are you alright, you're looking for a guy who says 'lets go out and do this'. I can't be this guy for you at the moment. Next week I can. But not right now."
At which point, understandably, she asks why. So I say that I've got too much of my work on my mind yada yada, and then this weekend, I'll have servers on my mind and so on. I'm not sure she was too impressed at this, but still. So then I start rabbiting, as I usually do, to the point where I say 'look, witches go where they are needed, where they are summoned (which is true), and it's a sucky position. Now, you need help, and I want to help you, but you've walled me out so completely I have to meditate for an hour to even begin to scan you.' She just asks me how I can help, and I said 'sometimes, all you need is for someone to fight for you. To know that someone cares, that someone matters.' It then moves on to, "you know how I'm feeling, you know I'm feeling depressed, why do you need to scan me to know?" and "you know that evil fucking picture that adam has, he leaned down and whispered in my ear, 'want a razor blade to slit your wrists?' which she gives a thumbs up to". She said that she feels like she did a year ago, where she shut everyone out. she asked if this was about how cold she was being with me, which, looking back on it is part of it yea, but I said it wasn't.
We came back round eventually to the same question which was "how can you help" and I gave the same answer as before. "sometimes, you need someone to fight, to know that people care" and she says, that it didn't help last time so why should it help this time. She gets up and starts to walk back to the union. So I stand up and start to get in her way. She tries to walk round me but I still stand in her way. Usually that's enough. She doesn't even look at me. I ask her 'do you want to slap me? hit me?' and she says 'no' I ask why not and she replies 'because I can't be assed', and walks past me towards the union. She gets to the door, and has to wait for the bouncer to open the door. I scream her name, to try and get her back to finish what we started, but she said something to the bouncer, and walks inside, but as the door closes, she looks back. I could see her watching me. I was so angry. So hurt. I just turned and marched away. Lord knows what she felt, but I know what I felt. Trust is something that has to be earned. I would have thought that I'd started to earn it by now.
You know, the Vorlons (and if you don't know who they are ask) have a saying. The truth is a 3 edged sword. Your side, their side, and what actually happened. This is my side. Maybe time will come around where I find out what her side was, and hopefully from that I can piece together what actually happened. But from my perspective. I offered her help, twice, and she turned and walked away from me. Steph was never going to be an easy girlfriend to have, but... I never thought I would be quite so disappointed by how little she trusts me. After all, our relationship was built on the fact that we trusted each other with everything.
She said she was angry at herself. Disappointed. I want to help her, I really do. I want to show her that it's ok, and you don't have the be the hardest nut on the planet to survive. She doesn't seem to want that however. Who knows? I don't. I wish I did... I swear I wish I did...