June 4th on a Thursday-again...
so at this time last year..i was laying on the bed, too weak to move easily, exhausted, drained, dreading the next trip to the bathroom because it was getting harder and harder to get there-it was getting even harder to get up and have the strength to leave the room once i was there. i felt faint, and my hearing was tinny, i was cold, my body was eliminating in every way it possibly could, and i wouldnt stop bleeding. the bathroom was a disaster area, there was blood...everywhere. i couldnt properly clean myself or the bathroom. i was begging my system to please just stop. and i didnt know what to do, it had never been that bad before. i didnt know what to do to get help. mom was useless with her dementia. allen and i were estranged, and the last time i had even hinted at wanting to go a doctor he wouldnt take time off work to help. he had told me to make an appointment here in town and walk. the doctor in town is only here a couple of times a week, and thursday isnt one of them. i couldnt afford an ambulamce and i didnt want to deal with mom, and an ambulance. so i finally spoke to jerrad and we talked and talked a bit more, he was at work. i had gotten ahold of cynthia first, because i was very certain that i wouldnt be strong enough to work on sunday-this all just didnt feel like it was something i was going to recover from easily, and she was going to have to find someone to fill-in for me. jerrad convinced me to go the emergency room. i had never had any real, or regular, medical care, since early childhood. jerrad couldnt take me to the emergency room until after work, i think we got there around 4-4:30. i just laid and tried to rest before then. i was so glad i was with jerrad, i was so glad jerrad took care of me-i usually cant count on that from people. just knowing he was in another area waiting for me helped so much, i had never had a gynecological exam, and would never have chosen to go to a male doctor, not for the first time, at least. i had never had an i.v. before, and i had never had anemia confirmed before. i dont go out in "at-home" clothes, i dont go out without showering. i bled in jerrads car...
that whole long awful cancer process started at this time last year, i need to get over remembering. my medical debt is "only" $10,000 or slightly less. my scar is not as red as it used to be and the "second belly-button" has filled in so its only a slight pucker now. i doubt i'm anemic but i still probably dont get enough protein or iron. i never went in for a pap smear during the holidays-i just couldnt afford it.i have had no menopausal symptoms. i dont have much discomfort related to anything that was done to me. the area where they took everything, the area on the right side of my navel is huge, i still have the encapsulated seroma. people keep telling me it looks bigger, i estimate that the cavity where my reproductive system was, is filled with at least a quarts-worth of liquid, if not more. ive had the seroma for 7 months, if i still have it after the next 5, i will probably have no choice but to go see the doctor, until then self-monitoring, dollar store versions of motrin to prevent any infection, and the heating pad to make it break up and absorb. if it doesnt reabsorb, or it becomes infected or it interferes with my other systems, i will have to have it drained. i have not seen a doctor since september last year. the last time i saw a visiting nurse was the last week of october. aside from bills, i have not heard from the medical community-i dont miss them. they were decent people, good at their jobs, but the idea of going back anywhere near a clinic or hospital, leaves me cold. in the end, i believe i only had token cancer, and i got off easy. i cannot say the words "i am a cancer survivor". i would feel like a hypocrite, real cancer victims should claim those words. around my birthday this year, i saw a new commercial, which, i didnt realise at first, was for the cancer society, and how it was responsible for making more birthdays happen. my immediate reaction to it was a middle-finger wave, and i told it to go to hell. yes they do wonderful things, but how dare they claim my birthday, how dare they do this around my birthday-i know my anger was displaced. i am striving to get over the affect the memories of last year have on me-they are random and infrequent, but can still make me feel shaky now and then, they can still force tears from me. they should not have this power. i know i have mentioned these things, over and over, but i need to, to take their power away.
that whole long awful cancer process started at this time last year, i need to get over remembering. my medical debt is "only" $10,000 or slightly less. my scar is not as red as it used to be and the "second belly-button" has filled in so its only a slight pucker now. i doubt i'm anemic but i still probably dont get enough protein or iron. i never went in for a pap smear during the holidays-i just couldnt afford it.i have had no menopausal symptoms. i dont have much discomfort related to anything that was done to me. the area where they took everything, the area on the right side of my navel is huge, i still have the encapsulated seroma. people keep telling me it looks bigger, i estimate that the cavity where my reproductive system was, is filled with at least a quarts-worth of liquid, if not more. ive had the seroma for 7 months, if i still have it after the next 5, i will probably have no choice but to go see the doctor, until then self-monitoring, dollar store versions of motrin to prevent any infection, and the heating pad to make it break up and absorb. if it doesnt reabsorb, or it becomes infected or it interferes with my other systems, i will have to have it drained. i have not seen a doctor since september last year. the last time i saw a visiting nurse was the last week of october. aside from bills, i have not heard from the medical community-i dont miss them. they were decent people, good at their jobs, but the idea of going back anywhere near a clinic or hospital, leaves me cold. in the end, i believe i only had token cancer, and i got off easy. i cannot say the words "i am a cancer survivor". i would feel like a hypocrite, real cancer victims should claim those words. around my birthday this year, i saw a new commercial, which, i didnt realise at first, was for the cancer society, and how it was responsible for making more birthdays happen. my immediate reaction to it was a middle-finger wave, and i told it to go to hell. yes they do wonderful things, but how dare they claim my birthday, how dare they do this around my birthday-i know my anger was displaced. i am striving to get over the affect the memories of last year have on me-they are random and infrequent, but can still make me feel shaky now and then, they can still force tears from me. they should not have this power. i know i have mentioned these things, over and over, but i need to, to take their power away.