Yet the show must go on.
Went down to San Diego on sunday evening upon hearing about Jess. amy and chris came with me to be there for me if i needed somebody, cuz they figured i'd need someone during the drive, and they were right. halfway down to san diego i lost it and had to pull over. i drove about 100 mph the whole way. i didn't care if i got pulled over...i needed to get to my girl. i got to the church about 8:30 and the whole thing would go for another hour. when i walked in i was greeted but familiar faces i hadn't seen in years. jessica's brother and his wife and one of his kids were sharing their thoughts amidst their pain. and then i looked past them and noticed a large pic of jess, beautiful as always. and beyond them just in front of the steps of the altar was jess. i could see her face from the distance. so quiet...so peaceful. the tears began to run from my face. maybe anger, pain, regret....maybe all of the above. this shit was fucked up...that's all i thought about.
i started making my way towards the middle of the church and saw more familiar faces from high school. saw jess' dad. the pain he must have been feeling that night. i hugged him with tears in my eyes...i was losing my composure. they had been trying to get a hold of me since thursday (when it all happened). God bless them. i made my way up the center aisle for a seat...drawing closer and closer to the casket. i sat down...and lost it again. it hurt so much. after people shared thoughts i was able to go up and see her. Jess, you're my girl...and you will always be my girl. holding your arm that night i realized that it wasn't you anymore....your presence was always so warm and loving. that cold body was just a sign that you were no longer with us, but shining down on us. your arm was so cold, jess...made me so sad....so alone....you're my angel.
i couldn't really sleep that night....i spent most of it talking to jess. i talked to her for a while before i finally fell asleep.
the next morning was the funeral. everything was so surreal...like a dream....almost like a re-enactment of my mom's funeral. sitting there during the service i kept flashing back to my mom's funeral and losing it, then i got brought back to jess and lost it.....back and forth. next was the motorcade....which was really long, a true sign that jessica was loved by many on this earth. when we got to the cemetary i was surprised to realize that jess was being buring within 30 feet of my mom's grave. talked with my mom for bit then made my way to the burial rites. i lost it when they lowered her down....i lost it when i dropped a rose in....i lost it whenever i looked over at her parents....parents should never have to bury their kids. they looked like they could not cry anymore, but pain would still manage its way into their eyes every now and then. went to the statue of mary down the ways from the site. i prayed hard. afterwards i prayed for jessica to be brought into the kingdom of heaven. i prayed that mom could keep her company, and also keep watch over me. jess, you've always been a guardian angel for me....i ask you to do me one last favor and keep doing it.
afterwards i sent amy and chris off with my car because they had to get back to USC. i hope they realize that i will never stop being grateful to them for the support they have given me this weekend....they are angels in my heart.
i then went to jess' house with nick to reflect and hang out with our old friends that we have lost contact with. it was nice to hang out again. to laugh, to talk, to be together again. and i think that was a lot of jess' doing. i would always ask her how things were going with people in san diego when i was at oberlin, but it was definitely apparent that a lot of people were out of sight since high school. she brought everyone back, and i managed to get contact info from some of them...truly a blessing.
that night the guys met up at the park and we played basketball like old times....except that some of us fat boys got fatter....definitely still sore. then we all met up at my house and had a party for jess. got wasted and played PS2 with the boys. we did it right that night....and it'll happen again. just for you...
so this weekend was bittersweet. but i guess it happened for a reason. one thing remains...i never lost you jess. at least from here on out we'll be able to keep in contact no matter what. i wish i could see you one last time though. to see how happy you are up there. and i know by know you've finally met my mom. you guys must be having a good time. i'll be there someday (hopefully). but until then, you will truly be missed, but never forgotten.
love,
mark
i started making my way towards the middle of the church and saw more familiar faces from high school. saw jess' dad. the pain he must have been feeling that night. i hugged him with tears in my eyes...i was losing my composure. they had been trying to get a hold of me since thursday (when it all happened). God bless them. i made my way up the center aisle for a seat...drawing closer and closer to the casket. i sat down...and lost it again. it hurt so much. after people shared thoughts i was able to go up and see her. Jess, you're my girl...and you will always be my girl. holding your arm that night i realized that it wasn't you anymore....your presence was always so warm and loving. that cold body was just a sign that you were no longer with us, but shining down on us. your arm was so cold, jess...made me so sad....so alone....you're my angel.
i couldn't really sleep that night....i spent most of it talking to jess. i talked to her for a while before i finally fell asleep.
the next morning was the funeral. everything was so surreal...like a dream....almost like a re-enactment of my mom's funeral. sitting there during the service i kept flashing back to my mom's funeral and losing it, then i got brought back to jess and lost it.....back and forth. next was the motorcade....which was really long, a true sign that jessica was loved by many on this earth. when we got to the cemetary i was surprised to realize that jess was being buring within 30 feet of my mom's grave. talked with my mom for bit then made my way to the burial rites. i lost it when they lowered her down....i lost it when i dropped a rose in....i lost it whenever i looked over at her parents....parents should never have to bury their kids. they looked like they could not cry anymore, but pain would still manage its way into their eyes every now and then. went to the statue of mary down the ways from the site. i prayed hard. afterwards i prayed for jessica to be brought into the kingdom of heaven. i prayed that mom could keep her company, and also keep watch over me. jess, you've always been a guardian angel for me....i ask you to do me one last favor and keep doing it.
afterwards i sent amy and chris off with my car because they had to get back to USC. i hope they realize that i will never stop being grateful to them for the support they have given me this weekend....they are angels in my heart.
i then went to jess' house with nick to reflect and hang out with our old friends that we have lost contact with. it was nice to hang out again. to laugh, to talk, to be together again. and i think that was a lot of jess' doing. i would always ask her how things were going with people in san diego when i was at oberlin, but it was definitely apparent that a lot of people were out of sight since high school. she brought everyone back, and i managed to get contact info from some of them...truly a blessing.
that night the guys met up at the park and we played basketball like old times....except that some of us fat boys got fatter....definitely still sore. then we all met up at my house and had a party for jess. got wasted and played PS2 with the boys. we did it right that night....and it'll happen again. just for you...
so this weekend was bittersweet. but i guess it happened for a reason. one thing remains...i never lost you jess. at least from here on out we'll be able to keep in contact no matter what. i wish i could see you one last time though. to see how happy you are up there. and i know by know you've finally met my mom. you guys must be having a good time. i'll be there someday (hopefully). but until then, you will truly be missed, but never forgotten.
love,
mark