Been a while.....
I haven't updated in a month or so because I haven't felt like going into everything that's been going on. So many different arguments, emotions, activities, people, trips.......I've felt overwhelmed and isolated. I look at my friendships with people and I wonder how they got into that position. I can't look at one of my good friends and say that I'm completely happy with how we communicate, act, whatever. Am I pushing away, are we just changing as people, have they discovered something about me that they don't like, have I found something that I don't like, am I being flakey.....etc.....I felt such a rush of emotions at the smallest upheaval but I feel lost when I try to figure out what's really going on. Underneath all the anger and frustration I know there must be something that I want or need to say or have to do or what what what. I think that therapy is really helping me break down how I look at myself and my friends, but I still feel like something is missing. Somehow I've been getting more upset and less willing to reach out to people. I find I want to be alone a lot, but not in a good way. Not in just a state of being, but in a pity parade where I scrutinize myself and the way I act with people. And I hate it. I hate feeling like the loss of a friendship is my fault because I'm being a bitch about something. I hate knowing that a perfect solution would be to just talk to someone who I'm having issues with. I hate not having control of a situation that should have been so simple to deal with. I hate being judged for everything I do and yet...knowing that when I take a good look at myself I know why the other person sees what they see. I've tried so hard to be a good friend in the past-- am I doing something wrong now? How can I make it better? Is it just me? IT's never just one person, right. But where's the line between something, some situation or action or relationship, where it stops being my issue and starts being someone elses? HOw much fault can I take before I start believing that little voice in the back of my head that's insisting that I'm a horrible person and a worse friend. It's like all my relationships are plotted out on one of those Magic Eye puzzles, but I can't for the life of me see the bigger picture.