So long ago.
{{ Cross posted from my website: www.elskan.com }}
Seems like the last time I posted was forever ago, and the last time I updated my website was ages before that, but so what?
Here's the thing: right now, a massive change has happened, which means I'm maybe going to have to say something online about it. A lot of other things, that many would say were significant, will go unmentioned for now. But here's what I need to get to...
Since Mandy and I first re-claimed out relationship back in December of 2007, I've re-evaluated my choice to stay "intimate" or "romantic" with her. Occasionally I will reassess if it's what I want to continue doing or not. Since then, Mandy's had a few other Lovers, I've had one myself, and now she's onto another and I've discovered my second. Normally I reassess my relationship when another is begun, either by her or by myself. It's natural to me to do this. We both do it, actually. It's also the case whenever there's serious contention (it happens sometimes); right then, that question of "is this still what I want" comes up. Both for her and for me. I think this is healthy, allowing us to make sure we're still choosing our relationship actively, assessing why and if it's a good idea, not just blindly keeping with what's understood and "normal" for us to do -- I don't think it'd good to keep a relationship out of habit.
So now we've agreed to end our romantic partnership. No less Love and respect, no less friendship, no less sharing of living situations, just... no more romantic or sexual connection. Yeah, in a sense, Mandy and I are "broken up" (close your mouth).
Yes, it's aching and painful, and it's been hard. But I was too wrapped up in my relationship again, starting to lose perspective of myself, who I am, and what I needed to do in my life. It was also important for me to finally choose to stop letting her choices be a source of frustration and pain for me. Both because of my own expectation becoming too demanding/controlling, and because it's not right for me to keep letting someone else cross my boundaries, even if they are unreasonable.
So... what now? Me. Myself. My needs. I'm looking forward to getting comfortable alone again; doing my own things, watching some films, setting aside time for quiet and reading, sleeping in an empty bed, and all the general things I've done before when by myself.
One glitch...
At some time a couple weeks back, I was out at the Lux Bar on my own. I'd thought to carouse a little, pick up a fuck. But I saw the swarms of little half-wit sorority whores and realized I was not only not interested, but that I hadn't really been good at such things in years. I require some minimum of appreciation of a person before I can have sex with them and enjoy it. They have to have a good brain, and I'm very skeptical when I meet women who look like they know just how attractive they are. I gave up the idea, decided I'd just hang out, watch the crowd.
So, I'm looking about for a seat downstairs (the slightly more "pub" like area, as opposed to the "lounge" style upstairs, which attracts the crowd I'm not usually into), when I see a table out front with just one person sitting, and no other drinks. I'd seen the girl at the table talking to someone who'd since disappeared, and it looked like she was already doing what I'd meant to: crowd-watching all by herself. "Hm... interesting," thought I.
After a brief time watching her just smiling to herself and looking at people, I gestured and came to sit with her. Instead of hitting on her or anything, I just chatted. It was nice to just hang out with someone new and relax. We discussed the people near us, watched them. I criticized, was catty, talked some smack, and mostly ended up talking a lot about who I am and what I've been. It's still kind of a blur, really. All I know is that by the end of the night, she'd offered her phone number and we'd had a Lovely time. That was me meeting Darling Nikki. (No, not the same Nikki as before.)
Since then, we went on a few dates -- out for drinks, she came to Mandy's 97% wonderful birthday bash, we fooled around some, we've hung out, out for a movie, some sleepover time, we've had sex, I've popped by on her at work, we've cuddled, laughed, pondered, fucked, nerded, eaten, giggled, smiled... mrrow.
She's intellectually and emotionally mature, very intelligent, kind, open, fun, graceful, playful, sensual, kinky, sweet, exciting, gorgeous... I'm so incredibly smitten.
So now I have to be careful: I'm not going to let myself use this as a band-aid. I don't want to latch onto Nikki as a gap-filler for the holes I've left myself by breaking things off with Mandy. I'm also intent on enjoying my new-found infatuation; I don't intend to waste a lot of time and energy withholding myself from so much fun and mutual enjoyment. It's just one hell of a balancing act.
So, yeah... Mandy and I are still very close friends and roommates, but we're not dating/together romantically (lots of unusual boundaries now -- I won't sleep in her bed anymore and close the door when changing, that kind of thing). Nikki and I are dating and having fun with our infatuations, spending more time together than is probably reasonable... it's fantastic.
Yeah, it's hard cutting myself off from Mandy in some ways, but it's also needed. And yeah, I'm having my fun with getting to explore Nikki, but it's not a substitute relationship. I'm okay, I think. I feel fine.
Seems like the last time I posted was forever ago, and the last time I updated my website was ages before that, but so what?
Here's the thing: right now, a massive change has happened, which means I'm maybe going to have to say something online about it. A lot of other things, that many would say were significant, will go unmentioned for now. But here's what I need to get to...
Since Mandy and I first re-claimed out relationship back in December of 2007, I've re-evaluated my choice to stay "intimate" or "romantic" with her. Occasionally I will reassess if it's what I want to continue doing or not. Since then, Mandy's had a few other Lovers, I've had one myself, and now she's onto another and I've discovered my second. Normally I reassess my relationship when another is begun, either by her or by myself. It's natural to me to do this. We both do it, actually. It's also the case whenever there's serious contention (it happens sometimes); right then, that question of "is this still what I want" comes up. Both for her and for me. I think this is healthy, allowing us to make sure we're still choosing our relationship actively, assessing why and if it's a good idea, not just blindly keeping with what's understood and "normal" for us to do -- I don't think it'd good to keep a relationship out of habit.
So now we've agreed to end our romantic partnership. No less Love and respect, no less friendship, no less sharing of living situations, just... no more romantic or sexual connection. Yeah, in a sense, Mandy and I are "broken up" (close your mouth).
Yes, it's aching and painful, and it's been hard. But I was too wrapped up in my relationship again, starting to lose perspective of myself, who I am, and what I needed to do in my life. It was also important for me to finally choose to stop letting her choices be a source of frustration and pain for me. Both because of my own expectation becoming too demanding/controlling, and because it's not right for me to keep letting someone else cross my boundaries, even if they are unreasonable.
So... what now? Me. Myself. My needs. I'm looking forward to getting comfortable alone again; doing my own things, watching some films, setting aside time for quiet and reading, sleeping in an empty bed, and all the general things I've done before when by myself.
One glitch...
At some time a couple weeks back, I was out at the Lux Bar on my own. I'd thought to carouse a little, pick up a fuck. But I saw the swarms of little half-wit sorority whores and realized I was not only not interested, but that I hadn't really been good at such things in years. I require some minimum of appreciation of a person before I can have sex with them and enjoy it. They have to have a good brain, and I'm very skeptical when I meet women who look like they know just how attractive they are. I gave up the idea, decided I'd just hang out, watch the crowd.
So, I'm looking about for a seat downstairs (the slightly more "pub" like area, as opposed to the "lounge" style upstairs, which attracts the crowd I'm not usually into), when I see a table out front with just one person sitting, and no other drinks. I'd seen the girl at the table talking to someone who'd since disappeared, and it looked like she was already doing what I'd meant to: crowd-watching all by herself. "Hm... interesting," thought I.
After a brief time watching her just smiling to herself and looking at people, I gestured and came to sit with her. Instead of hitting on her or anything, I just chatted. It was nice to just hang out with someone new and relax. We discussed the people near us, watched them. I criticized, was catty, talked some smack, and mostly ended up talking a lot about who I am and what I've been. It's still kind of a blur, really. All I know is that by the end of the night, she'd offered her phone number and we'd had a Lovely time. That was me meeting Darling Nikki. (No, not the same Nikki as before.)
Since then, we went on a few dates -- out for drinks, she came to Mandy's 97% wonderful birthday bash, we fooled around some, we've hung out, out for a movie, some sleepover time, we've had sex, I've popped by on her at work, we've cuddled, laughed, pondered, fucked, nerded, eaten, giggled, smiled... mrrow.
She's intellectually and emotionally mature, very intelligent, kind, open, fun, graceful, playful, sensual, kinky, sweet, exciting, gorgeous... I'm so incredibly smitten.
So now I have to be careful: I'm not going to let myself use this as a band-aid. I don't want to latch onto Nikki as a gap-filler for the holes I've left myself by breaking things off with Mandy. I'm also intent on enjoying my new-found infatuation; I don't intend to waste a lot of time and energy withholding myself from so much fun and mutual enjoyment. It's just one hell of a balancing act.
So, yeah... Mandy and I are still very close friends and roommates, but we're not dating/together romantically (lots of unusual boundaries now -- I won't sleep in her bed anymore and close the door when changing, that kind of thing). Nikki and I are dating and having fun with our infatuations, spending more time together than is probably reasonable... it's fantastic.
Yeah, it's hard cutting myself off from Mandy in some ways, but it's also needed. And yeah, I'm having my fun with getting to explore Nikki, but it's not a substitute relationship. I'm okay, I think. I feel fine.