Fic: It's Always Open Season On Princesses 1/?
Title: It's Always Open Season On Princesses 1/?
Spoilers: Through 'For A Few Paintballs More'
Word Count: 1917
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Dan Harmon owns all of this and is kind of possessive of it, so...don't sue me.
A.N: I hope I don't disappoint you guys with this. I'm going to switch POV with each chapter, so this one is from Jeff's subconscious. Enjoy!
“Well,” Shirley noted as she slid into the booth behind Jeff “At least we will all actually fit in one booth now instead of breaking up into two groups.”
“Shirley, that’s terrible.” Britta frowned from her spot across the table as they all settled against the vinyl. It was a tight squeeze and after a full minute of squished arm space, Jeff raised his left arm to the top of the booth, resting behind Shirley. She smiled up at him and he gave her a mischievous wink in return. She tittered before picking up her menu.
“I know I said I would come guys, but I’m only staying for a little while.” She perused the laminated menu in front of her. “I’ve got babies I need to get home to.” Jeff didn’t bother with looking at his own menu given the confines of the circular corner booth Troy and Abed had secured for them. Instead, he merely bent his head toward Shirley’s menu and she silently held it higher for him to read.
“You had to come Shirley,” Troy noted from the other side of Jeff. “You almost saved the day.”
After he’d rushed back out of the locker room with the vision of Annie’s naked form still in his mind, Jeff had sat behind the wheel of his Lexus for fourteen full minutes before he’d been able to start the engine. It wasn’t like it was the first time he’d ever seen a naked woman. She wasn’t even the youngest naked woman he’d ever seen. But, somehow the fact that it was Annie was playing games with his brain. Sure, he’d pictured her naked before. He pictured every woman naked. It was an impulse he’d held onto since puberty. However, Jeff had always had a habit of making women better in his head than they actually were. He never imagined imperfections, only pristine smooth skin, which led to some sick sort of disappointment in the very back part of his subconscious when faced with reality. With Annie though, it was different. He’d only seen her for a moment before he’d averted his eyes, but it was long enough to take in her dripping wet form, the yards of creamy smooth skin wrapped around the tight body of a woman barely out of her teens. He shifted uncomfortably in the booth at the memory and tried to think about Leonard mumbling ’taint’ over and over again.
“Guys,” Annie whined and Jeff watched Britta roll her eyes in the direction of the younger female. “I feel terrible about this Pierce thing.” She looked around the table pitifully, her eyes never staying too long on any of them. “Can’t we try and work this out?”
“There’s nothing to work out, Annie.” Jeff shifted in his seat as he watched her face harden toward him. For a split second, Jeff let his mind wander to another situation in which she might give him that expression and he shifted in the booth again. He couldn’t think about that now though. He needed to make his point. “Pierce left us, not the other way around.” He sat back and watched Shirley nod in agreement. “It was his call.”
“He made that call because he thinks none of us like him,” Annie challenged emphatically.
Jeff rolled his eyes. “None of us do like him.” She sputtered in disagreement. “Admit it, Annie.” He leveled her with a smirk. “You are just as put off as the rest of us by his intolerance, his egomania, and his delusion.”
“Dude is crazy pants sometimes,” Troy said in a somber tone. “He sleeps in a water bed. What is with that?”
Annie narrowed her eyes. “Oh, his intolerance. Like Shirley?”
“You better watch yourself,” Shirley shot out darkly.
“Is Pierce’s ego bigger than yours, Jeff?” Annie continued, her eyebrows raising mockingly. Jeff clenched his jaw but didn’t respond. “Is he more delusional than Abed?”
“Annie,” Britta remarked, turning to the brunette. “That‘s not very nice.”
“No, it’s fair.” Abed turned to face Jeff, his head inclined in the unnerving way it usually was. “It’s true, I could be classified as delusional by qualified professionals.” At his acquiescence, Annie looked chagrined and Jeff narrowed his eyes at the flush that pinked her cheeks. He glanced back over at Abed, but Abed was not acknowledging Annie in the slightest. The sudden thing between them was irritating. He didn’t care, but did Annie really have to throw herself at every guy who smiled at her? Ignoring the expression on her face, Jeff moved his face even closer to the menu that Shirley was holding.
“I’m going to get one of those ice cream sundaes with the bacon on it,” Troy announced.
Abed nodded his approval. “Nice.”
“Wait, so that’s it?” Annie prodded and Jeff looked back at her derisively. “We’re just done talking about this Pierce thing?”
Britta turned to face her. “What do you want us to do about it, Annie?”
“Seriously,” Jeff agreed. Annie stared at him evenly, an expression forming on her face. Before Jeff could place the look, he glanced toward Troy. “Bacon on a sundae?”
Troy shrugged. “Apparently.”
“Ugh,” Britta groaned. “Do you really need to have meat on your ice cream? What does this mean for us as a society?”
“Britta,” Annie snapped. Jeff’s eyes widened in surprise at her tone, trying not to smile at the shocked response it drew from Britta. “He just donated a hundred thousand dollars to our school.”
“And then he called us dysfunctional,” Britta answered smoothly.
“Technically, he didn’t.” Abed glanced over at Jeff. “But the implication was there.”
“He’s not wrong,” Shirley noted from next to Jeff and he turned his gaze toward her.
“Shirley, really?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
Shirley glanced up at him, a challenging look on her face. “We’re supposed to be a family Jeff.” He nodded a prompt for her to finish. “So, where does you and Britta casually sleeping together fit into that family tree?”
He could feel Troy stiffen next to him and looked over curiously before acknowledging Shirley’s question. “Actually, even though you all stood in the study room and gave us your blessing, Britta and I aren’t…”
“Doing that any more,” Britta finished for him when he trailed off. She was fidgeting on the other side of the table and Jeff frowned. Annie’s eyes widened in surprise and Jeff watched as her eyes moved from Britta’s face to his own. He gave a non-committal shrug and she frowned before glancing back down at her own menu. Britta cleared her throat loudly. “So, Annie how did you end up losing half of your clothes?”
“I was gonna ask,” Shirley noted with a nod.
Annie glanced up, her eyes wide at the direction the conversation had veered. Jeff himself had actually had the impulse to ask her earlier what had happened, but knew it would be taken in the wrong way.
Not that he meant it in that way. He was just curious.
“They were slowing me down,” Annie shrugged, shooting a lightening-quick challenging look toward Jeff before grimacing to herself. “I’m going to owe the rental place money now.”
“It was worth it,” Troy said in a low voice and Jeff turned his head in time to see Abed nod in agreement.
“Plus,” Abed joined in. “It was necessary for the character arc you’re taking, Annie.” Jeff frowned, and before he could question that, Abed continued. “By shedding your metaphorical cocoon of a matronly outfit, you were telling everyone that you’re ready to be viewed as not only a sex symbol, but also a bad ass.”
“Bad ass,” Troy echoed.
Jeff’s eyes moved over to said bad ass. She was currently wearing a ‘Calvin and Hobbes’ tee shirt that she’d borrowed from Abed and was twirling a strand of hair nervously around her finger as she listened to them speak about her so frankly, her blush deepening with every passing second. Maybe not quite bad ass. What else had Abed just said? That she wanted to be viewed as a sex symbol? She hadn’t wanted that before? With her short skirts and tight sweaters and come hither eyes always pointed toward him? Jeff shook his head to clear it.
“Can we talk about how it turns out Vicky is kind of crazy?” he asked with a chuckle.
He heard someone huff directly behind him. “I’m right here, you asshole.” Jeff looked over his shoulder to see Vicky in the booth next to theirs, huddled together with Fa- with Neil and Magnitude and Quendra. He gave her an apologetic smile.
“Good game, guys.” Quendra simpered in his direction and he absorbed the feeling before turning back to face his friends. Annie was giving him the Disney Faceä . Her lip disappeared into her mouth. “Okay guys,” he mumbled. “We should probably come up with a plan to talk some sense into Pierce.” Britta rolled her eyes at him just as Annie grinned widely and clapped her hands together once. He watched Abed’s head snap in his direction, his face inquisitive.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Britta stated in a flat tone, almost begging him to prove her wrong with his normal sense of unfeeling…ness.
Annie rolled her eyes and Jeff idly wondered what might happen if they started wrestling again. Before his brain could really engage in that particular whimsy, Annie was standing with gusto. “Tell you what,” she announced as she tucked her still damp hair behind her ear. “I’ll go and talk to him myself.” She shot Britta a ‘how do you like them apples?’ look before smiling triumphantly in Jeff’s direction.
Troy groaned. “I really want ice cream, but I need a ride.” Annie raised eyebrows at him, waiting for him to make a decision. He turned to face Abed. “Text me and let me know if it’s awesome.”
“Okay,” Abed agreed amiably.
Troy motioned for Jeff and Shirley to let him out of the booth. Shirley growled slightly before climbing out, her priest robes billowing around her. Jeff followed her, his jeans squeaking against the vinyl. He ended up in Annie’s personal space as Troy pushed him forward. She smelled like the shampoo she’d been using and he glared back at Troy instead of settling into a moment with her. They couldn’t have moments. He was the one who’d drawn the line in the sand. Now all he had to do was stay on the correct side of it. Annie’s eyes flitted up to Jeff’s face uncertainly before she smiled over at Shirley. “I’m going to fix everything.”
Shirley smiled encouragingly at the younger woman even as Troy snuck around them and ended up behind Annie. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled at Troy. Jeff swallowed at the sight of them leaving together, comfortable in each other’s company.
‘And Troy and Abed and I will continue to be the kids.’
He felt Shirley hand wrap around his forearm, signaling for him to climb back into the booth. He slid in, this time next to Abed, who smelled like the same kind of shampoo as Annie. It was wholly disconcerting and Jeff felt himself edge slightly closer to Shirley.
“Is there any chance that this is going to work out in the way she wants it to?” Britta asked, looking over her shoulder and the door Annie and Troy were exited through.
Jeff tore his eyes away from her retreating figure and shrugged.
“Whatever,” he said flatly.