i want you to understand that you don't understand

[elshastorm]

It pisses me off that I feel like I'm doing an injustice to myself by not being upset about stuff that happened to me two years ago. It pisses me off that I force myself to feel this way

Comments

[d_willrobinson]

"Not understanding" is perhaps my most common state of mind. Through the years, and especially through the struggles, I have become quite comfortable "not knowing." I no longer need some fully coherent system of beliefs which offer explanations for everything. Quite modestly, I can say that I have a brilliant scientific mind, and rather than teaching me that everything has explanations that all need to fit together on some grand scale, it has taught me that there is no grand scale, there are only tiny glimpses and little realizations. Yeah, there is probably more, but the only thing that I can be certain of is that if I believe I have figured it all out, then I am most certainly wrong.

Being pissed off, though, is not a happy state, so I will offer my thoughts. They are worth nothing. I am not you and I will never understand. (See above, I'm OK with that.) I spend hundreds of hours each year on a bicycle. I have crashed hard, but fortunately the injuries were never near what you had. You had a very traumatic experience, the fact that it is struggle to deal with it should not be surprising.

As far as other people understanding or remembering, I would be more forgiving. You lived this, not them. I've seen pictures and you're clearly still very pretty with no obvious deformations to remind them every moment. Sure it was a huge and traumatic event for you, but they see you as fully recovered. They can't see inside your head where scars still linger. Perhaps they don't deserve this, but YOU do. You don't need to carry around anything more than necessary about it. Forgiveness is liberation.

I think your realization of your own mortality is a gift. Of course we are all mortal. Most people never get the chance to see this well enough, and live a life that doesn't benefit from this insight. "I am mortal," means "I am alive!" You are blessed to know this.

I'm thankful that I have the chance to know you. Much love to you.

[elshastorm]

Regarding most things, I'm ok with not understanding. But with this, I can't help feeling entitled to understand and I think that's what gets to me the most.

I do understand that no one can really see it from my perspective and despite how I might try to relay it to others who are willing to listen, it's just not the same. And honestly, I am typically very forgiving. It's unfair and completely nonsensical that I should be pissed off at other people for something that had absolutely nothing to do with them. But sometimes I can't help it.

About the mortality, I usually agree with you. It reminds me that every single moment is really precious. Every single friendship, every single hug, every single everything. But I can't help occasionally re-visiting the past.

I am thankful for the chance too! Thanks! Love!

♥

[d_willrobinson]

The book, The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts changed my life many years ago. I recommend it quite heartily. Some of the references might be a bit dated today, but in general he was a brilliant philosopher for the modern day. As the title implies, he shows a way to deal with how fragile it all is. I imagine any library might have it. It's a quick read. I enjoyed most of his stuff, but this book had the greatest effect on me.

[elshastorm]

Hm. I'll definitely look into that. I've been meaning to read some Alan Watts for quite some time.

♥