Transformers! ((a rant))
I have finally sorted through the inchoate mess of impressions left upon me by Transformers 2.
I have discovered that I am actually angry - properly angry - at Michael Bay and everyone else involved in that goddamn abortion of a movie. Here we have a movie that involves giant alien robots, explosions, and some of the world's finest CGI. Optimus Prime, Megatron, Darth Soundwave. Not gonna be revelatory but should be awesome, right? ((oh and for those who like plastic women but don't want to watch porn I guess I should count Megan Fox in hotpants as a positive))
WRONG!
Instead we have a shitty pile of shitty stupid adolescent jokes and Shia shitty LeBouf's shitty fucking face spewing shitty fucking lines. The Transformers are background characters in their own fucking movie. Well fucking done Michael Bay you cocked up the easiest fucking thing in the world. I hate this movie, so much, SO MUCH. It has ONE redeeming feature: Bumblebee. There is no plot. There are no characters. There is no point. The thing that should've made it great - GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS - are all but missing. Nobody gives the tiniest shit about poor Sam's struggles to be a Normal Little Boy when he goes to college, not when we could be watching GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS. This movie is boring, which is the one thing a movie about alien robots that turn into trucks and tanks and fucking jet planes shouldn't be.
In summary: boring piece of half-digested shit. I want my brain cells back.
Also there are subsidiary rants about the colander they call a plot; racial stereotyping ((LOL black people are illiterate and it's hilarious!)); 'only America can save us now! GOD BLESS THE USA! Aren't you glad you have Uncle Sam in charge to protect the world with the incredible power of our patriotically perfect army!'; and frankly the way the movie deals with women would outrage the sensibilities of Genghis fucking Khan but there is not enough space in the universe to encompass all that is wrong with the way Transformers 2 treats its female 'characters' let ALONE the rest of this utter turd of a movie so I'll leave it here.
I have discovered that I am actually angry - properly angry - at Michael Bay and everyone else involved in that goddamn abortion of a movie. Here we have a movie that involves giant alien robots, explosions, and some of the world's finest CGI. Optimus Prime, Megatron, Darth Soundwave. Not gonna be revelatory but should be awesome, right? ((oh and for those who like plastic women but don't want to watch porn I guess I should count Megan Fox in hotpants as a positive))
WRONG!
Instead we have a shitty pile of shitty stupid adolescent jokes and Shia shitty LeBouf's shitty fucking face spewing shitty fucking lines. The Transformers are background characters in their own fucking movie. Well fucking done Michael Bay you cocked up the easiest fucking thing in the world. I hate this movie, so much, SO MUCH. It has ONE redeeming feature: Bumblebee. There is no plot. There are no characters. There is no point. The thing that should've made it great - GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS - are all but missing. Nobody gives the tiniest shit about poor Sam's struggles to be a Normal Little Boy when he goes to college, not when we could be watching GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS. This movie is boring, which is the one thing a movie about alien robots that turn into trucks and tanks and fucking jet planes shouldn't be.
In summary: boring piece of half-digested shit. I want my brain cells back.
Also there are subsidiary rants about the colander they call a plot; racial stereotyping ((LOL black people are illiterate and it's hilarious!)); 'only America can save us now! GOD BLESS THE USA! Aren't you glad you have Uncle Sam in charge to protect the world with the incredible power of our patriotically perfect army!'; and frankly the way the movie deals with women would outrage the sensibilities of Genghis fucking Khan but there is not enough space in the universe to encompass all that is wrong with the way Transformers 2 treats its female 'characters' let ALONE the rest of this utter turd of a movie so I'll leave it here.