How to rid yourself of the perfect servant
Title: How to rid yourself of the perfect servant
Rating: G
Characters: Merlin, Arthur and George
Summary: Brass, brass and more…brass to polish!
Warnings: lots of brass, lol
Word Count: 1057
Prompt: 'Whispers in the Night' from camelot_drabble
Author's Notes: Cracky fic!
How to rid yourself of the perfect servant
After two days of fluffing Arthur’s pillows so they were like clouds to sleep upon , learning how to dry his laundry so it actually didn’t wrinkle, dusting the furniture with a lint cloth so not a speck of dust was left, and other such nonsense, Merlin was ready to breathe fire like Kilgharrah.
Just the week previous he had battled Morgana and that snake thing she put in his neck. His temporary replacement was George, the kind of servant who did everything so perfectly he might as well be an enchanted statue.
By the time Merlin was able to finally return to Camelot for good, Arthur believed, thanks to Gaius, that he had spent that entire time in the tavern. Hence, now Arthur was forcing him to learn from George how to be the ‘proper’ servant, even if George bored Arthur to tears.
Cabbagehead!
“Merlin!”
Oh rats-under-the-bed, he was calling him again!
“Oh there you are Merlin. Been looking all over. It’s time now for you to learn the most important lesson of all, polishing the brass. Yes, I know you’ve already received this lesson, but you have yet to show me that you can master it.”
Merlin rolled his eyes. It was like the guy had a fetish for all things brass! He practically salivated for it, spent hours on polishing it so finely that a person’s reflection glowed. Really, there were a lot more important things than making brass glow like a baby’s bum.
Heh….baby’s bum.
“Merlin. Now when you rub on the underside of each vase you want to make sure that…”
Ugh. Arthur didn’t truly care about shining brassware. This was just lame punishment that unfortunately was working.
**
Hours later, after polishing so much that the product was baby bum glowing brass, Merlin stalked the hallway. He nearly passed by a certain knight’s quarters before he came to a halt.
Interesting.
A multitude of brass objects, somewhat shiny, not as glowing as a baby’s bum though.
Hmmm.
Walking inside, without permission, Merlin’s mouth lifted into a curious smile.
“WHAT do you think you’re-
Merlin turned around at the voice, so inspired now that the bear of a man dirtied from knight practice didn’t even startle him. “Sir Gerald. I see that you have quite an impressive display of brassware, but it could definitely use a polish."
The bear melted some. “Oh well, yes. None of the servants seem all that good with brass unfortunately. I’ve even offered them a few of my extra pieces, but they don’t seem to care.”
Oh this got just even better.
“That’s such a shame Sir Gerald. Now what if I told you I had the perfect person to polish your brass? Someone who could make it glow like a baby’s bum?”
Sir Gerald’s eyes widened with excitement and Merlin just grinned.
Perfect.
Now to deal with the other part.
**
“This is not right.”
“Oh now George, remember, we have a deal. You help me tidy Arthur’s room tonight and I set you up with Sir Gerald and aaaaaaaaalll his BRASS.”
George’s lip quivered with anticipation.
Merlin chuckled. “Good, now let’s go.”
“But he will be sleeping.”
Merlin nodded his head. “Exactly.”
“We’ll wake him.”
“Exactly.”
“He’ll be furious.”
“EXACTLY. Now you get it George.” He slung his arm around the other man’s shoulder like they were the best of mates.
“And pray tell why do you want to aggravate your master?”
Merlin gave an innocent look that left George in a perplexed state, especially with what Merlin said next. “Who said I wanted to aggravate him?”
It didn’t take too long. Arthur had a tedious day dealing with a boorish visiting duke and the honorary wreath celebration of gardeners.
It was too strange to even distinguish an explanation.
Merlin and George entered his chambers with a bunch of materials in hand. They whispered over the polishing of the brass and other such things.
As they cleaned, Merlin carefully watched the king’s bed. From underneath his covers his arm would whip out, a foot would escape the blankets, and his mouth would let out a sleeping grunt, but other than that nothing.
Hmmmm…not good enough.
“Couldn’t hear you George. What did you say?” Merlin asked with a bit more whispering loudness, meaningfully.
“I said that you are not rubbing the brass the precise way in which I instructed. You need to polish it with this cloth at a 45 degree angle making sure that-
Merlin grinned, not because of George’s explanation, but because the grunt was turning into a grumble and knuckles were rubbing at tightly shut eyes.
Heh...Arthur was waking. Finally!
He pretended to be listening to more of George’s excited babbling, giving a grin, and quickly turning it to an innocent look as Arthur raised himself on one elbow and gave them a pointed look.
“WHAT are you two doing in here?”
George jumped. Merlin just raised his hands. “Learning how to polish brass.”
Arthur squinted angrily. “Why here and why NOW? In case you two didn’t notice I am sleeping.”
“Was.” Merlin jovially filled in.
Arthur’s mouth flat lined. “GET OUT.”
“But we haven’t finished polishing the brass, right George?”
Merlin noticed it now with a discontented look. “Oh Arthur your pillows aren’t properly fluffed. That just won’t do!”
He raced over to the bed, grasping the pillow that the king’s head was resting upon and flinging it upward to properly ‘fluff’ it. The king’s head fell to the hard mattress with a loud konk.
George looked astonished as Arthur grabbed his servant by the collar. “WHAT game are you playing Merlin?”
“No game Arthur. I’m new and improved.”
“Well can’t believe I’m saying it, but I like the old Merlin better. The one who was lousy at his job.”
“Hey!”
“George…” Arthur yelled across the way. “You won’t be training Merlin anymore.”
Merlin grinned at that.
So did George. He was looking forward to the polishing of Sir Gerald’s brass and adding to his collection.
Merlin started to depart after him, but then felt a hand grasping his tunic. He turned around to Arthur’s wondering look.
“George never disobeys. How did you get him to agree to this? Because I’m not stupid Merlin. I know you planned this.”
Merlin smirked. “Easy. George LOVES brass.”