Questing, as my Grail Legend professor would say
I feel incredibly disconnected and unbalanced. In my flurry to attempt to get all my homework done, I realized that my soul just feels drained. Not just my energy level because of how demanding school is, but I honestly don't feel like I've taken enough time to really appreciate and absorb the things in my life, and at my core I feel truly disharmonious.
I have to prepare a presentation about the spring season in Chinese culture for tomorrow, but that of course got me to thinking about the seasons, nature, and ultimately my spirituality -- namely that I've basically been ignoring it.
Not that I don't take time for myself, but I haven't been taking the time to listen to my own thoughts and really allow myself to grow. Years ago I went through an amazing period of spiritual growth, and I was satisfied with that for a long time. But now that I'm on the brink of a new stage in my life I feel like there is a huge debt of soul-searching that I have to make up.
For a long time I've kind of wandered along the blurry lines of paganism, pantheism, reincarnation, animism, meditation, etc., and was perfectly happy with just holding those general concepts for myself. Those were my reaction to not really knowing what to believe at all. But now I feel like that isn't enough anymore. Even though my moods fluctuate regularly and expectedly between good and bad, my underlying disposition seems to be quite negative. Fear and uncertainty about my future greatly unsettles me, and my core hasn't been there to back me up like it used to.
Formal religion has never really offered much to me, though things along the lines of Gnostic Christianity and Buddhism have caught my eye, and made me wonder what I might find if I explored them more. On the surface it would seem like yet another task I have to accomplish, but I am truly destroyed when I don't feel spiritually grounded. It allows me to accomplish everything else. There are so many things that I want out of life that feel so far away right now, and spiritual searching is the only way I know to readjust my life.
In summary: I feel a little lost. I need to reconnect with myself and the world. Some serious self-exploration will need to be done.
I have to prepare a presentation about the spring season in Chinese culture for tomorrow, but that of course got me to thinking about the seasons, nature, and ultimately my spirituality -- namely that I've basically been ignoring it.
Not that I don't take time for myself, but I haven't been taking the time to listen to my own thoughts and really allow myself to grow. Years ago I went through an amazing period of spiritual growth, and I was satisfied with that for a long time. But now that I'm on the brink of a new stage in my life I feel like there is a huge debt of soul-searching that I have to make up.
For a long time I've kind of wandered along the blurry lines of paganism, pantheism, reincarnation, animism, meditation, etc., and was perfectly happy with just holding those general concepts for myself. Those were my reaction to not really knowing what to believe at all. But now I feel like that isn't enough anymore. Even though my moods fluctuate regularly and expectedly between good and bad, my underlying disposition seems to be quite negative. Fear and uncertainty about my future greatly unsettles me, and my core hasn't been there to back me up like it used to.
Formal religion has never really offered much to me, though things along the lines of Gnostic Christianity and Buddhism have caught my eye, and made me wonder what I might find if I explored them more. On the surface it would seem like yet another task I have to accomplish, but I am truly destroyed when I don't feel spiritually grounded. It allows me to accomplish everything else. There are so many things that I want out of life that feel so far away right now, and spiritual searching is the only way I know to readjust my life.
In summary: I feel a little lost. I need to reconnect with myself and the world. Some serious self-exploration will need to be done.