Happy New Year
Some time ago, I found myself examining the airline magazine provided by Northwest Airlines, offering countless useful products for the weary transcontinental traveler. I assure you it was only the tip of the stupidity iceberg.
Here, buy yourself a portable San Quentin for puppies. While you frolic about the countryside in your bicycle enjoying the freedom it provides, you will enjoy the safety provided by knowing your piece of pet candy is secured behind basket jail.
A more abstract product offered me the opportunity to keep animals off my furniture:
From this picture, I can draw several obvious conclusions;
1.) This device uses some kind of invisible force to turn sleeping dogs into projectiles
2.) It freezes cats through a constant radio wave pulsing
3.) Small white devices giving off high pitched whirrs are cooler and deadlier than animals
This product states that if I buy it, there will be no more “scolding the dog for sleeping on the sofa, no shooing the cat of your car hood”. Certainly, every time I try to operate a motor vehicle I find its impossible to do so with the countless number of cats on my hood.
Not a day goes by when I think to myself, “I sure wish there was a way that I could replace the comfort of a sleeping dog on my couch with the cold assertiveness of a bright white soap-sized device”.
While a part of me admires the idea of using small plastic devices to repel living things at subsonic speeds, it's still $30 of worthless rubbish. “Here, Money Jesus, take my $30! You need it more than I do!” Sick bastards.
Now, for Ultimate Swiss-Peel. I was attracted by a title that seemed to promise a way to pare those pesky Swiss in a world where orange-splicers are wholly inadequate. Sadly, it's a useless face-cream.
This cream offers a cheaper alternative to Botox as well as a list of several other generically-named facial treatments. Then, they posted there before and after pictures:
Yep. I need a device that will turn me into an androgynous Manchild-bastard offspring of Eddie Munster and K.D. Lang. Surely having no distinguishable features will make me a better person. I can use my unnaturally smooth face to calibrate ball bearings or go luging...on my face.
Another picture of equal irrelevance is the Cold Sore Eliminator, which shows a woman holding up what appears to be a miniature Taser to her lips. While I was briefly amused at the concept of a clueless model subjecting herself willingly to 10,000 volts of self-induced lip-burns, I was more attracted by its marketing pitch. “Eliminate Cold Sores before they appear!”. For a much lower price, consumers can eliminate me punching them in the face by not buying this $130 piece of asscrap.
The article failed to state that you can also eliminate cold sores before they appear by not sleeping with $5 herpetic hookers.
Here, buy yourself a portable San Quentin for puppies. While you frolic about the countryside in your bicycle enjoying the freedom it provides, you will enjoy the safety provided by knowing your piece of pet candy is secured behind basket jail.
A more abstract product offered me the opportunity to keep animals off my furniture:
From this picture, I can draw several obvious conclusions;
1.) This device uses some kind of invisible force to turn sleeping dogs into projectiles
2.) It freezes cats through a constant radio wave pulsing
3.) Small white devices giving off high pitched whirrs are cooler and deadlier than animals
This product states that if I buy it, there will be no more “scolding the dog for sleeping on the sofa, no shooing the cat of your car hood”. Certainly, every time I try to operate a motor vehicle I find its impossible to do so with the countless number of cats on my hood.
Not a day goes by when I think to myself, “I sure wish there was a way that I could replace the comfort of a sleeping dog on my couch with the cold assertiveness of a bright white soap-sized device”.
While a part of me admires the idea of using small plastic devices to repel living things at subsonic speeds, it's still $30 of worthless rubbish. “Here, Money Jesus, take my $30! You need it more than I do!” Sick bastards.
Now, for Ultimate Swiss-Peel. I was attracted by a title that seemed to promise a way to pare those pesky Swiss in a world where orange-splicers are wholly inadequate. Sadly, it's a useless face-cream.
This cream offers a cheaper alternative to Botox as well as a list of several other generically-named facial treatments. Then, they posted there before and after pictures:
Yep. I need a device that will turn me into an androgynous Manchild-bastard offspring of Eddie Munster and K.D. Lang. Surely having no distinguishable features will make me a better person. I can use my unnaturally smooth face to calibrate ball bearings or go luging...on my face.
Another picture of equal irrelevance is the Cold Sore Eliminator, which shows a woman holding up what appears to be a miniature Taser to her lips. While I was briefly amused at the concept of a clueless model subjecting herself willingly to 10,000 volts of self-induced lip-burns, I was more attracted by its marketing pitch. “Eliminate Cold Sores before they appear!”. For a much lower price, consumers can eliminate me punching them in the face by not buying this $130 piece of asscrap.
The article failed to state that you can also eliminate cold sores before they appear by not sleeping with $5 herpetic hookers.