Oh you remember him... for your five hundredth birthday we dressed him up like a deer and let you shoot at him while he was heavily medicated. Your OtherDad shot him two weeks ago thinking it was Estel, we pick on him when Erestor is out getting us potato chips, etc. Me and your Dad were thinking it was about time he got a Christmas bonus after the eons of amusement we get from poking fun at him. :)
Does he look like a scruffy ruffian with a squirrel sponge? No. He is an elf, and is very distinguished or would be if he dropped a few pounds and started using that anti-acne soap I keep leaving it strategic areas.
I don't think he knows very much about...'the sack,' but I'm sure you'll teach him, eh? *nudge nudge*
Darling, you're a widow. And those children have too much squirrel fucker blood in them. No offense, of course, they're cute in their way. But...well, really.
You'll love Lindir. He's a charming conversationalist. He knows more about Star Trek than any other man I've ever met.
You know, Lindir. Sort of looks like a pudgier version of Elladan. He's been here for years. You'll get on wonderfully. He'll be perfect to sire our grandchildren. He's an elf, you see. Born and bred. We thought about Cirdan for a while but...well.
He's very excited. I think he's even exercising. When would you like to get married, sweetie? Next week? Soon, anyway. Can't keep those grandkids waiting forever.
i am not marrying a FAT person. anyway, elves can't be fat therefore he must be an impostor. daddy, you really ought not to let security get so lax around here. why, he could be an ORC in disguise! DADDY HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO MUMMY???? WHAT NEXT? store-brand cheese puffs instead of cheetos???
daddy, i swear to elbereth, if you make me marry a fat nerd, i'll run away to ibiza and become a topless-beach-frequenting party girl and rack up a fucking caradhras-sized gambling debt.
and i'll tell mummy about your secret you-know-what >:(
and daddy will need every penny of that dowry to pay off the producers of Girls Gone Wild XXI to destroy every copy with footage of the ol' evenstar doing topless jello shots off ladies-for-hire.
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I don't think he knows very much about...'the sack,' but I'm sure you'll teach him, eh? *nudge nudge*
GRANDCHILDREN GRANDCHILDREN GRANDCHILDREN
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*tries not to implode*
*waits till happy days is over before beginning bloody epic tantrum™*
*points here, here, here, here and here*
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You'll love Lindir. He's a charming conversationalist. He knows more about Star Trek than any other man I've ever met.
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He's very excited. I think he's even exercising. When would you like to get married, sweetie? Next week? Soon, anyway. Can't keep those grandkids waiting forever.
*bounces a bit*
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*makes tragic face*
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Come now. I let you marry one person of your choice. It is my turn now.
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and i'll tell mummy about your secret you-know-what >:(
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*thinks*
i'll do all that, only with MORTALS WHO DON'T BATHE! and get knocked up by them too! yeah!
AND...
cancel my weekly sea kelp facials.
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I'll consult Dad #2 about this. PLEASE, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH.
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