The Room, the Door, and the Insanity
Title: The Room, the Door, and the Insanity
Type: Humor, Parody of AU, Crack
Pairings: Ed/Al, Al/Hei
Rating: PG-16
Warnings: CRACK FIC, self-inserts
Disclaimer: I own my mind. The setting for this story is just that, therefore, if I own my mind, I ought to own everything in my mind. Conclusion: I own Edward, Alphonse, Heidrich, and Roy.
...oh, wait, that's in my imagination.
Summary: Rowan gets inspired to write some Elricest, Sakura tells her not to, Edward refuses to go along with the story, and Alphonse trusts his brother waaay too much...
This is for Ariadne the Alchemist because of her profile. It’s all her fault for calling me glorious. Thank you, and for that, I’m writing this story.
Well, if you can call it that.
The Room, the Door, and the Insanity
Rowan, sitting at her computer, the unsuspecting victim.
Sakura, creeping up behind her, hands raised and ready to go in for the kill.
But the moment before Sakura pounces, Rowan speaks, and startles Sakura.
“I was thinking…” she drawls quietly, because she thinks she’s only speaking to herself and, well, she is. “I was thinking of what to write once Darling is finished.”
Sakura jumps back, panic on her face. “Oh no you don’t!” she cries, startling Rowan, who turns around to face this intruder.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t you dare get inspired!”
“Why not?”
Sakura scowls, as though it is obvious. “Because you have to finish Definition first!”
Rowan pouts. “But I had a really good idea, Sakura!”
Before Sakura can retort, the door opens and Edward walks in, a scowl on his face. “I thought I heard some rusty wheels turning,” he mutters once he sees that Rowan is sitting at the computer. This means only one thing; Rowan is writing fanfiction (and pretending to do her homework). “This better not involve me,” he warns Rowan with a sharp eye. “My contract clearly states that per every 60,000 words, I get a 5,000 word reprieve.”
“But-but-”
Ed shakes his head. “No. Don’t even think about it,” he says.
“But I can’t do an Elricest without the uke!” Rowan cries, close to frustrated tears.
Edward’s eye twitches. “Excuse me? Who are you calling uke, huh? This better not be a matter of-”
“But the shorter one is always bottom, Edward!”
Ed flies into a flurry. Afterward, Rowan seriously considers not writing that story she was thinking about.
But luckily, that’s when Alphonse walks in. He sees Ed screaming obscenities as he attempts to kill Rowan and puts a stop to it. Then he hears what the problem was and pouts. It’s a cute pout, the way a puppy would pout if puppies pouted. Do puppies pout?
“But, brother, she’s right. It works better when you bottom, because I’m much nicer to you. And you like it; admit it.” Al smiles.
Ed glares. “I do not,” he growls. “Besides, we haven’t even done anything like that in Darling yet! Or Definition…or anything, dammit!”
“But you want to, don’t you brother?” Al clutches Ed’s arm and begs with very dewy eyes.
Ed pushes Al off him. “Oh, go screw yourself,” he mutters, “I’m out of here.” Ed leaves.
There is silence. Rowan nurses her bruises, Sakura stands there trying not to laugh, and Al stares after Ed in shock. “‘Screw myself’?” he mumbles. “How am I supposed to do that?” In a daze, Al leaves as well.
Sakura then proceeds to laugh her ass off, now all the guests are gone.
Much later…
Rowan, sitting at her computer, contemplating inviting Mustang over to discuss business (and a certain contract that, if burned, would bring a certain runt a lot of pain and suffering). Sakura creeps up on her again, evil grin spread across her face.
But once again, before Sakura is able to jump her, Rowan foils her plan, spinning around suddenly and startling Sakura.
“Sakura!” Rowan cries. “What are you up to?”
“No good,” Sakura smirks. The smirk reminds Rowan of another smirk, a familiar smirk worn by the one and only-
“Rowan, I understand you wanted to see me,” Mustang says, walking in. Oh, there’s that smirk.
Sakura frowns. “Rowan, what’s going on?”
Rowan grins with the innocence of one up to mischief. “Nothing,” she says, then takes Mustang by the arm and leads him towards a file cabinet that wasn’t there before.
Sakura continues to frown. “Was that...?” she muses, staring at the beige metal wonder.
Rowan ignores her, takes out what looks suspiciously like a document signed and sealed by Ed, and begins to hand it to Mustang.
The door opens. Ed walks in.
“Don’t you dare,” he snarls at Rowan.
“Oh! Deja vu,” Sakura remarks nonchalantly.
Rowan laughs at Ed and Mustang snaps his fingers. The contract dissolves under a haze of smoke and flame. “Noo!” Edward cries, rushing Rowan in a heated frenzy and knocking his metal fist against her skull.
“Ow!” Rowan says, clutching her head. “Edward, that hurt. Now how am I going to write that story about you and Al?”
Ed stomps his foot. “I refuse! I’m not going to participate in your damn story!”
“Now look here!” Rowan shakes her finger at Ed. Mustang and Sakura watch from the side, amused. “You’re in my mind, so you’ll do as I say!”
“Or what?” Ed dares Rowan with his steely eyes.
But before Rowan can answer, Al walks in, dragging Heidrich in by the hand. “Hi brother!” Al greets, walking up to Ed. “I did as you told me!” He looks very proud of himself, while Heidrich stares at the floor, his hand clutching his pants.
Ed frowns. “Did what? I didn’t tell you to do anything.”
Sakura’s face turns to one of horror the moment before Al says, “But brother, you told me to screw myself. So I did!” Al points to Heidrich with a triumphant smile.
“To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure how to go about it at first,”Al admits thoughtfully. “But luckily, in Rowan’s mind, the worlds are merged and I easily found the other me. Aren’t you proud of me brother?”
But Ed has stopped listening a long time ago, his face burning with rage and, having no one else to take it out on, stabs Rowan. Sakura squeals with glee-
“Sakura, what’cha writing?” Rowan tries to peer over Sakura’s shoulder, but she covers the computer screen in a panic.
“Nothing, nothing!” Sakura exclaims, phoney grin on her face. “Just...finishing your homework, is all.”
Rowan sighs and backs away. “Oh, okay. You sure?”
“Positive. Don’t worry, Rowan, it’s nothing at all.”
But Rowan does not believe her and so, later on, checks her profile.
“...since when did I own a full deck?” she exclaims.
The End
Yes, that is correct. This is my 52nd story on FF.Net, but this one’s Sakura’s. Thank you ATA for inadvertantly inspiring her (a rare occurrence-sarcasm). She hopes she did the idea justice. For anyone else reading this, yes, review it! Sakura is proud of it and wants to know what all of you thought. Tell her you laughed and she will die happy. As for Rowan, she really does have an idea for a story after Darling is done. Thank goodness that contract got burned! Well, until next time- Rowan and Sakura
Type: Humor, Parody of AU, Crack
Pairings: Ed/Al, Al/Hei
Rating: PG-16
Warnings: CRACK FIC, self-inserts
Disclaimer: I own my mind. The setting for this story is just that, therefore, if I own my mind, I ought to own everything in my mind. Conclusion: I own Edward, Alphonse, Heidrich, and Roy.
...oh, wait, that's in my imagination.
Summary: Rowan gets inspired to write some Elricest, Sakura tells her not to, Edward refuses to go along with the story, and Alphonse trusts his brother waaay too much...
This is for Ariadne the Alchemist because of her profile. It’s all her fault for calling me glorious. Thank you, and for that, I’m writing this story.
Well, if you can call it that.
The Room, the Door, and the Insanity
Rowan, sitting at her computer, the unsuspecting victim.
Sakura, creeping up behind her, hands raised and ready to go in for the kill.
But the moment before Sakura pounces, Rowan speaks, and startles Sakura.
“I was thinking…” she drawls quietly, because she thinks she’s only speaking to herself and, well, she is. “I was thinking of what to write once Darling is finished.”
Sakura jumps back, panic on her face. “Oh no you don’t!” she cries, startling Rowan, who turns around to face this intruder.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t you dare get inspired!”
“Why not?”
Sakura scowls, as though it is obvious. “Because you have to finish Definition first!”
Rowan pouts. “But I had a really good idea, Sakura!”
Before Sakura can retort, the door opens and Edward walks in, a scowl on his face. “I thought I heard some rusty wheels turning,” he mutters once he sees that Rowan is sitting at the computer. This means only one thing; Rowan is writing fanfiction (and pretending to do her homework). “This better not involve me,” he warns Rowan with a sharp eye. “My contract clearly states that per every 60,000 words, I get a 5,000 word reprieve.”
“But-but-”
Ed shakes his head. “No. Don’t even think about it,” he says.
“But I can’t do an Elricest without the uke!” Rowan cries, close to frustrated tears.
Edward’s eye twitches. “Excuse me? Who are you calling uke, huh? This better not be a matter of-”
“But the shorter one is always bottom, Edward!”
Ed flies into a flurry. Afterward, Rowan seriously considers not writing that story she was thinking about.
But luckily, that’s when Alphonse walks in. He sees Ed screaming obscenities as he attempts to kill Rowan and puts a stop to it. Then he hears what the problem was and pouts. It’s a cute pout, the way a puppy would pout if puppies pouted. Do puppies pout?
“But, brother, she’s right. It works better when you bottom, because I’m much nicer to you. And you like it; admit it.” Al smiles.
Ed glares. “I do not,” he growls. “Besides, we haven’t even done anything like that in Darling yet! Or Definition…or anything, dammit!”
“But you want to, don’t you brother?” Al clutches Ed’s arm and begs with very dewy eyes.
Ed pushes Al off him. “Oh, go screw yourself,” he mutters, “I’m out of here.” Ed leaves.
There is silence. Rowan nurses her bruises, Sakura stands there trying not to laugh, and Al stares after Ed in shock. “‘Screw myself’?” he mumbles. “How am I supposed to do that?” In a daze, Al leaves as well.
Sakura then proceeds to laugh her ass off, now all the guests are gone.
Much later…
Rowan, sitting at her computer, contemplating inviting Mustang over to discuss business (and a certain contract that, if burned, would bring a certain runt a lot of pain and suffering). Sakura creeps up on her again, evil grin spread across her face.
But once again, before Sakura is able to jump her, Rowan foils her plan, spinning around suddenly and startling Sakura.
“Sakura!” Rowan cries. “What are you up to?”
“No good,” Sakura smirks. The smirk reminds Rowan of another smirk, a familiar smirk worn by the one and only-
“Rowan, I understand you wanted to see me,” Mustang says, walking in. Oh, there’s that smirk.
Sakura frowns. “Rowan, what’s going on?”
Rowan grins with the innocence of one up to mischief. “Nothing,” she says, then takes Mustang by the arm and leads him towards a file cabinet that wasn’t there before.
Sakura continues to frown. “Was that...?” she muses, staring at the beige metal wonder.
Rowan ignores her, takes out what looks suspiciously like a document signed and sealed by Ed, and begins to hand it to Mustang.
The door opens. Ed walks in.
“Don’t you dare,” he snarls at Rowan.
“Oh! Deja vu,” Sakura remarks nonchalantly.
Rowan laughs at Ed and Mustang snaps his fingers. The contract dissolves under a haze of smoke and flame. “Noo!” Edward cries, rushing Rowan in a heated frenzy and knocking his metal fist against her skull.
“Ow!” Rowan says, clutching her head. “Edward, that hurt. Now how am I going to write that story about you and Al?”
Ed stomps his foot. “I refuse! I’m not going to participate in your damn story!”
“Now look here!” Rowan shakes her finger at Ed. Mustang and Sakura watch from the side, amused. “You’re in my mind, so you’ll do as I say!”
“Or what?” Ed dares Rowan with his steely eyes.
But before Rowan can answer, Al walks in, dragging Heidrich in by the hand. “Hi brother!” Al greets, walking up to Ed. “I did as you told me!” He looks very proud of himself, while Heidrich stares at the floor, his hand clutching his pants.
Ed frowns. “Did what? I didn’t tell you to do anything.”
Sakura’s face turns to one of horror the moment before Al says, “But brother, you told me to screw myself. So I did!” Al points to Heidrich with a triumphant smile.
“To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure how to go about it at first,”Al admits thoughtfully. “But luckily, in Rowan’s mind, the worlds are merged and I easily found the other me. Aren’t you proud of me brother?”
But Ed has stopped listening a long time ago, his face burning with rage and, having no one else to take it out on, stabs Rowan. Sakura squeals with glee-
“Sakura, what’cha writing?” Rowan tries to peer over Sakura’s shoulder, but she covers the computer screen in a panic.
“Nothing, nothing!” Sakura exclaims, phoney grin on her face. “Just...finishing your homework, is all.”
Rowan sighs and backs away. “Oh, okay. You sure?”
“Positive. Don’t worry, Rowan, it’s nothing at all.”
But Rowan does not believe her and so, later on, checks her profile.
“...since when did I own a full deck?” she exclaims.
The End
Yes, that is correct. This is my 52nd story on FF.Net, but this one’s Sakura’s. Thank you ATA for inadvertantly inspiring her (a rare occurrence-sarcasm). She hopes she did the idea justice. For anyone else reading this, yes, review it! Sakura is proud of it and wants to know what all of you thought. Tell her you laughed and she will die happy. As for Rowan, she really does have an idea for a story after Darling is done. Thank goodness that contract got burned! Well, until next time- Rowan and Sakura