Hand in Hand; Part 8
Yay!! Part 8!! I'm awfully proud of this chapter, it ended up being so long and it wasn't even the way I intended it to be ^w^ There was more that was going to be in here, but I decided to bump that to chapter 9. There may be some things that seem like I just added them for the heck of it, but they have a point. Yep. I wrote the majority of the chapter in my classroom again ^^;; In a little faerie notebook!! Yay!
I did research for this chapter, it will be further explained in the ending note, otherwise I'd give away some stuff. But credits of research go to Wikipedia and a book by Steve Duck.
Well, enough of my blabbering ^^ I just want to thank my readers for reading though. I love all the comments, they make me smile ^w^ and the fanart is completely awesome as well!! Enjoy chapter 8!
EDIT: It was being lame again... I fixed italics --_--;;
Title: Hand in Hand
Written by armor_of_guilt
Genre: Angst!! Other things!! Fluff!! Angst!!
Pairings: Elricesty-like
Warnings: Spoilers up to episode 51; AU; language; blood; more stupidity; wiggling cigarrettes; soup
Rating: PG-13 for now... Ed's got a bigger potty-mouth here I think...
Story: Ongoing
[..Part VIII..]
[What is incest?]
__________________________________________
It’s so bright. Must be morning… Mmm… I’m too tired to get up. Went to be too late… wait. Went to bed… BROTHER!!
My eyelids flew open as I shot up in bed. Breathing heavily, my eyes searched the room frantically. My paranoia had gotten the better of me. I was alone in the room. Placing a hand to my chest, I willed my heart rate to slow down. It listened, though it took some time to get it back down to a reasonable pace. I swallowed thickly and had my eyes trace the room once more. He’s not here… b-but I’m sure I fell asleep with him in here… o-on me…
“Don’t cry, Al. Don‘t cry. Don‘t cry.”
“I’m sorry!”
“Uggh…” I pounded my fists into my head, “Stupid, stupid Alphonse… what if he remembers all that?”
My eyes went wide. If Ed wasn’t in the room… that only left his office, which he isn’t in until after lunch, or the kitchen, which he isn’t in until he smells food, or the bathroom, which he isn’t in until I wake him up. But, considering that Ed normally doesn’t wake up until I do it for him or a little after eleven, he could be in any of those places. Or he could’ve left…
“OW!!” I yelped in pain, rubbing my head where it hit the floor, “Note to self… never try to leap out of bed with the covers tucked around you… Huh?”
I blinked, glancing back at my bed. I was almost positive that I had gotten onto the bed, not into it last night. So… how did I get tucked in? Feeling suspicious, I looked down at my clothes. I was still wearing my tux, but the shoes had been taken off and so had the suit coat. I hadn’t done that. Did Brother do all that? Or am I just suffering from memory loss? I shook my head, rising to my feet so I could go look for Ed.
I poked my head out into the hall. The bathroom door was still open, so he couldn’t be in there unless… he didn’t mind privacy? I shook my head, No, he’s not there. I started walking down the hall, peering into his office as I went. It was empty in there, too. A soft groan came from the kitchen area, so I started to look over there. Ed was sitting at the table with his head cradled in his hands and a glass of water beside him. He looked like hell, but at least he had dressed himself.
“Brother?” I called out hesitantly, watching for his reaction.
“Shh!” he hissed, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, “Don’t talk so damn loud…”
I lowered my head, bringing my voice down to an audible whisper, “I’m sorry…”
“Hmm, not your fault… damn hangover…” Ed reached for the glass of water and sipped at it. “… I feel sick…”
I started walking over to him, not liking how his voice sounded, “Maybe you should lie down?”
“Mmm…”
I placed a hand on his shoulder, much too relieved that he was still here. Why am I so paranoid that I’ll wake up and he’ll be gone? I felt him tense beneath my hand and I pulled back. Maybe he doesn’t want me to touch him… I wondered, taking a step back when his hand lashed out to grab my wrist. I stared at our hands, glancing up only to see him glowering at me. I blinked back, why was he looking at me like that?
“Did I tell you to move your hand?” he asked tiredly, “I’m not gonna bite you, Al. You touched my auto mail port, it’s a little sore, that’s all.”
I nodded, “Oh… alright. Do you need anything for it? Or for your hangover?”
Ed grunted, thumb stroking the underside of my wrist absently. A shiver ran down my spine, it felt good. “Some more pain medication maybe… the stuff Winry gave me? Yeah… then a nap…”
“What about that salve Winry told you to put on around the port? Have you been doing that?” I asked, wanting to go get his medicine for him but also wanting to stay with him. Plus, he wasn’t letting go of my wrist.
Ed snorted, “No… that stuff feels gross… besides, it’s hard to put it on myself…”
“If you just asked for help, then it wouldn’t be so hard.” I smiled, remembering to keep my voice low, “Come on, Brother. Let’s get you to bed.”
If I could avoid talking about last night, then I was definitely going to take that opportunity. It was too awkward for me, the way that I loved it and hated it at the same time. No, I didn’t hate what he was doing to me… I hated myself for enjoying it… why do I like it? These confusing thoughts were only serving to bring me down, so I pushed them away and concentrated on helping Ed to the bedroom.
“What the hell did you do to your bed?” Ed squinted against the light, gaze directed on my bed.
I laughed nervously, the sheets were all tangled up on the floor in a heap and the night table between our beds was knocked to the side a bit. “Uhh… I fell out of bed.”
“Clumsy, idiot…” he mumbled, sounding amused while being in pain. “Head’s throbbing…”
I nodded, “Okay, hang on, Brother.”
I sat him down on the bed, leaving him to get all situated by himself. In the kitchen, I refilled his half-empty glass of water. After doing that, I carefully walked back down the hall into the bathroom to grab the bottle of pills for Ed’s pains. The normal dosage was two pills for someone his age, but I figured he might want a little more, so I added a third pill. I went back into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of Ed’s bed. He was propped up on his pillows, obviously waiting for me to get back, but was shielding his eyes.
“It’s too bright, Al…” he grumbled, taking the water and pills from me.
I nodded, “Okay, I’ll go close the blinds.”
I could feel eyes on my back as I got up to go to the window. Fiddling with the blinds, I felt my cheeks heat up for no good reason, and darkened the room to suit Ed. I peered at him over my shoulder. His head was lowered onto the pillows once again, the glass of water sitting on the night table. A serene smile was plastered to his face, his eyes slipped closed in contentment. The sight was breathtaking, but I tried my hardest to ignore that as I went back over to him.
“Mmm… that’s good, Al. Thanks…” he mumbled, cracking one eye open to watch me tuck him in.
“You’re welcome, Brother.” I flashed him a little smile, “Just get better soon. If you need anything, just ask, okay?” I straightened up from his bedside and began to leave the room. I was going to call Hawkeye to ask her for advice on dealing with people with hangovers. I figured she’d know and be nice about it.
“A-al?” Ed’s voice came out muffled from being pressed into a pillow.
I froze in the doorway, paranoia taking over again; He’ll ask about last night! He knows! Instead I turned around to face with a forced grin. “Y-yes, Brother?”
“I…” I watched his fist clench, he was worried about something, “I was… d-did I…? Never mind… it’s nothing…”
“Tell me.” the response was automatic, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know… but if it would help my brother, than I was willing to hear it, “What’s wrong?”
Ed shook his head, curling into himself, “It’s nothing… and don’t talk so loud…”
“Brother, don’t hide it. There’s obviously something wrong-”
“I said it’s nothing.” the harsh tone surprised me, I rarely heard Ed speak like that and it was never to me.
“Right…” I nodded, inching out of the room, “I’m sorry. I’ll let you sleep.” My hand reached for the doorknob, my palm was sweaty from nerves.
Ed sighed from his bed, “Al, I-” I didn’t want to hear him apologize. I shut the door with a soft ‘click’, letting my hand linger on the knob. It was my turn to apologize. For all my empty promises and thinking about him in that way without his permission.
“I’m sorry.” I told him through the wood, not waiting for a reply.
I shuffled into the kitchen, my hand groping for the back of a chair. Running a hand through my hair, I slumped into the chair. I just need some time to think this over rationally… and I need to stop being so… I need to stop having this crush on Brother… uggh! Why do I feel this way about him?! It’s not like there’s anything that can explain to me why I feel this way… I can’t just ask someone for advice, they’d probably think I’m weird. And it’s not like there are any books on the subject…
…or are there?
The sound of someone heaving came to my ears. I frowned lightly and got up from the chair. I had an idea of what I could do about researching my problem, but first I needed to get Ed situated. Taking the phone from it’s cradle, I dialed the number to get to Lieutenant Hawkeye’s line. It was hard, since I was using an outside line, but I knew the codes and the military knew me.
“Hello, Alphonse.” I heard Hawkeye greet me after a few moments of silence from the secretary.
“Hi Lieutenant Hawkeye, how are you?”
I heard her sigh, “Well, I could be better, but at least I’m not the one suffering from an intense hangover.” I assumed she meant the new Brigadier General. “It’s the first day of his promotion and all he can do is moan and groan about how his head hurts. At this rate, no paperwork will be done at all.”
“I’m sorry about that.” I told her honestly, “But speaking of hangovers, I need some help. What should I give my brother to make him feel better?”
I could feel her smirking, while I heard Roy groaning in the background. He was whining about having a headache and being forced to do paperwork. “Well, there’s not much you can do. Just give him some aspirin and have him drink a lot of water. Once he’s not nauseous, you should have him eat a lot of heavy food to replenish the nutrients in his body. Other than that, he should just relax and stay in bed.” Roy grumbled about having to be forced to work while Fullmetal gets to sleep at home and get nursed by his brother. “Sir, calm down.”
“Alright. Thank you, Lieutenant Hawkeye.” I replied, somewhat hesitantly as I heard a loud crash in the background, “Is everything okay?”
“Of course, the Brigadier General is just about to get a bullet through his head on the first day of his promotion. That’ll get rid of your headache, won’t it, sir?”
I paled, “Uhh… good luck with that! Bye!”
__________________________________________
“There you go! All the books I managed to find about human emotions and relationships!” a rather large stack of books was shoved into my arms, causing me to stumble backwards under the sudden weight and lack of coordinated balance.
I blinked at the pile, it was almost half my size! “Uhh… thanks, Sheska, but I don’t think I need all these…”
“Well, you asked for all the books I had on the subject!” she huffed, grabbing one of the books from the stack before it fell.
I grinned sheepishly. I came to Sheska’s house to collect some books that could possibly help me sort through my problem, I just hadn’t figured she’d have so many. “I guess I have a lot of reading ahead of me.”
I had to lie to Ed about where I was going, I told him that I was going to the market to pick up some things that Lieutenant Hawkeye suggested for his headache and stomach problems. He said okay, but only after vomiting three times. I felt bad for him, I knew it wasn’t any fun to be sick so I planned to pick up some medicine and stuff on my way home. Although I wasn’t sure if I could carry it all.
“Umm… I think I’ll leave some of these with you.” I told her, clearing off a small space on a table.
I placed the stack of books there and began scanning the table of contents for each text. I had a pretty good idea of what I needed to find. I ended up picking three of the books Sheska had handed me. I believed these three had the most information on what I was looking up. Sheska had been watching me carefully before shrugging and picking up the leftover books.
“What exactly are you looking for?” she inquired curiously.
I tucked the books I was borrowing from her into a bag I had brought along, “Honestly? I’m not really sure…”
I said goodbye to Sheska and thanked her again for letting me borrow the books. She was still confused and curious about why I would randomly choose those three books to read, but I couldn’t really tell her. I wasn’t so sure if I could tell anyone about why I picked those books or what I’ve been thinking about these past few weeks. The books I’d picked had extensive information on family relationships and bonds, homosexuality, and relationships in general. Since Sheska had a photographic memory when it came to books, I was kind of nervous that she would suspect something. But there were so many other sections in those books, so I could really be looking up anything.
It was a pretty long walk from my house to Sheska’s. And I needed to go to the market, too. I sighed heavily, my arms weighed down by the books now. I was really curious about what the books would say, I wanted to read them right away, but they’d have to wait. By the time I’d get home it would be time to start dinner. I wonder if Brother’s worried. I mused, checking my watch. I’d left home two hours ago at one. Nah, he’s probably sleeping. I laughed a little, imagining Ed sprawled out on the bed snoring and leaving his stomach exposed like always. Shaking my head, I quickened my pace so that I’d have plenty of time to go to the market. That’s where I was supposed to be anyways.
“What should I make for dinner~?” I hummed to myself, Something hearty and meaty for Brother. Maybe meatloaf? Or lasagna? Or maybe stew… Brother likes stew. So maybe I could-
I paused, mid-thought, and stopped walking as well. My eyes widened as I took in the sight. I had just turned the corner to get to the market, but instead I was met with a swarm of soldiers. A whole bunch of people from the military were there, some members of the hospital staff were too. I even spotted Falman and Fuery, so I was almost certain that Breda and Havoc would be here as well. Mustang and Hawkeye, too. Without a second thought, I hurried over to one of the guards.
“Excuse me, what’s going on?” I asked, curious and a little wary.
The guard just looked at me funny, “Move along, kid. Nothing to see here.”
I opened my mouth to inform him that I was not a kid, when I figured that it would all be in vain. I looked like a kid to him, I couldn’t help that. Disappointment filled me when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to help at all, not without my metal body.
“Hey, kid.”
“Oh, Alphonse, what’re you doing here?”
I glanced over to the right of the guard just in time to see Havoc and Fuery walking towards me, “Hi Lieutenant Havoc, hi Fuery.”
The guard looked between me and the other two, then leaned in to speak with Havoc, “You know this kid?”
“Yep, we’re old friends.” Havoc spoke through his cigarette, “So, what brings you out here?”
“Grocery shopping… but what happened here?” I pointed towards the white sheets on the ground and the military personnel.
Fuery answered for me, “A shooting. Some guy just lost it and shot at several citizens apparently. We don’t know the details, we just got here, but I’ve heard that he’s been apprehended. I think the entire story was broadcasted on the radio a little while ago. Didn’t you here about it?”
I shook my head, “No… but that’s terrible! Why would someone do something like that?”
“We dunno, kid. He’s probably a little crazy in the head. Keeps muttering about some kind of ritual.” Havoc replied, blowing out a thin stream of smoke. “By the way, does Ed know you’re here?”
I nodded, “Yeah, he does…” I paused, what was the probability of Ed randomly turning on the radio to listen to the news? I didn’t think it was very high… but if Ed was extremely bored… or if I accidentally left it on again…? “I-I think I’d better-”
“I’LL GET YOU BASTARDS!!” a series of gunshots and shouts were heard, “THEY’LL ALL DIE!”
Havoc grabbed his gun, “Kid, get out of here!”
A man, big and lumbering, darted out into my field of view. He was firing some kind of large gun at the military. I could see flames from Roy, but the general wasn’t in sight. I froze, my legs wouldn’t move. I could only stare as several military men were shot at… their blood splattering against the pavement. Suddenly the man turned, his dark, inhuman eyes staring at me with a hunger. His tangled, dark hair and wild appearance made him look like a crazed animal. I trembled, backing away slowly. I couldn’t look away.
“Another child for the sacrifice!” he bellowed, pointing his gun right at me.
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t run. He was going to shoot me. I was going to get shot! Someone pushed me to ground and snapped. I stared up at Roy, firing at the man while officers apprehended him once more. But he was still firing like crazy.
“Alphonse, go home!” Roy shouted to me, shoving me off in the direction I had come from. “Run!”
Panicked, I broke into a sprint towards home. All logic fled me and I only had one goal, to get away from those gunshots. The firing echoed in my ears as I barreled past guards rushing in to aid the officers.
“Be careful!” I heard Havoc shout to me, but it was suddenly lost among the sounds of frantic shouting. It was a chaotic nightmare.
I sped around the corner, clutching the bag of books tightly against my chest. I was running as fast as I could on pure instinct. Turning another corner, I hastily tried to focus on which turns to take to lead me home. Another gunshot was in the distance and I ran faster. The confusion reminded me vaguely of the time I got lost in that inn, but this time there was real danger. But, the plus was that I knew where I was going, sort of. With my breathing picking up, I stopped at a four-way intersection and waited for the traffic to stop. My leg twitched out of nervousness. Finally, there were no cars and I darted across. Then I turn… left!
The soles of my shoes were getting hot. My paranoia of the animal man was rising with each step. I kept imagining him coming up behind me with that huge gun of his. I shoved it away. The military’s handling it. The military’s handling it. He’s in custody. He’s in custody. I chanted inwardly. My chest was tightening up, I lost track of how long I had been running for. I barely missed getting hit by a car as I made a mad dash along the street I’d been dropped off at the night before. Almost there! I could’ve sworn I heard another gunshot, so I ducked behind a nearby fence. It was only a tire popping. Panting heavily, I started running again. My neighborhood came into view and I dashed towards it. My feet pounded against the pavement, my heart hammering just as loudly. My house! I would’ve smiled in relief if I wasn’t so anxious and tired, neighbors who happened to be outside looked over at me. I clambered up to the front door, flinging it open and tossing the bag aside.
I stood in the doorway, completely out of breath and leaning most of my weight on the arm that was propped up against the doorframe. There was a huge mess in the living room, or was it more the dining room? Well, whichever room it was, three of the chairs from the kitchen table were knocked over into this main room. One of them was even broken. The couch was at an awkward angle, as if someone pushed it, and the end table where the phone sat was knocked over and broken as well. The phone was out of it’s cradle and laying on the floor, the cord was still in the wall though. Something was ripped up on the floor, papers of some sort. I jumped at the sound of crack of static. It came from the radio. It was on.
I could hear him storming through the house before I even opened my mouth to call for him. “WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!”
I gently closed the front door and slid the lock into place. I didn’t want to scare the neighbors… again… When I turned around, he was standing no less than two feet away from me. His face was bright red with anger, well that’s what I was guessing, and the scowl that creased his brow wasn’t one of the more gentler ones. His expression mirrored that of one he would give to Mustang if the man did something he didn’t like. Edward was livid.
I gulped, “H-hi, Brother… Are you feeling bet-?”
“DON’T ‘HI BROTHER’ ME!! NOT NOW!” I winced at his loud voice. “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!”
I was trying to calm him down by acting relaxed, despite my panting, “I… I was thinking about what to make for dinner…”
Ed growled, that hadn’t been the best answer, “Al… do you know what happened at the market? Do you?!”
I hung my head, feeling like a child that got caught by their mother with their hand in the cookie jar, “Yeah… a man shot some people… Havoc and Fuery told me.” He didn’t need to know that I actually saw the man.
“He massacred children, Al.”
I paled, knees locking. I must’ve heard wrong. They didn’t tell me that at the crime scene. They would’ve right? “We don’t know the details, we just got here. I think the entire story was broadcasted on the radio a little while ago.” Children? But… why? I felt Ed’s eyes boring into me, for some reason it scared me.
“Brother… no… he couldn’t have…” The gun had been pointed right at me.
Ed’s voice trembled, torn between fury and panic, “He massacred children. Nine of them. In broad fucking daylight. Nine families, nine families, are broken now. Did you even consider that this, this family right here in this house could’ve been broken too?! Did you even think about the possibility that there could’ve been ten deaths instead of nine, or that a certain idiot standing in front of me could’ve been one of the nine?!”Almost… I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. I just stood there in front of him, avoiding his accusing gaze. Those poor families… losing a child must be so hard… and what did those children do to deserve a death like that… or a death at all? Nothing, I’m sure. Where’s the equivalency in that? Equivalent exchange… Tears of frustration and fear welled up in my eyes, temporarily blinding me. What if that had been me? I kept my head bowed so I wouldn’t have to face the disappointment in my brother’s eyes.
“I’m sorry…” I whispered softly, almost inaudible, but he heard it.
“You’re sorry? I know you’re sorry, Al!” he grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little, forcing me to look at him, “Tell me why you thought it was okay to stay out there two hours after he killed them! Why did you think it was okay to leave me here wondering if you were alive for two damn hours!? Why didn’t you call?! Why didn’t you come home?! Answer me, Al!”
“I didn’t know!!” I suddenly screaming, jerking myself out of his grip and darting down the hall, “I wasn’t even there!” I slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it. The bathroom was the only room in the house with a lock.
Breathing heavily, I gripped the door knob tightly. My knuckles turned white. I reluctantly released it, sliding down until I curled up on the floor. I felt so bad. My brother had been worrying about me, but I hadn’t even been there. He really didn’t have any reason to have been worried… other than the fact that I saw the animal-like man. But I came home. Other families wouldn’t get to see their son or daughter or brother or sister or grandchild come home ever again. Those innocent children who had only gone out to run an errand, who didn’t know that it would be the last time they saw their families. They were only normal kids. They hadn’t seen terrible things that children shouldn’t see, forbidden things. They weren’t like me. It wasn’t fair! What did they do?! Why did they have to die?! How have I been able to escape death so many times while they couldn’t even escape it once?!
What did I do to deserve to live? Why am I still alive? What did I do?
__________________________________________
Ed didn’t try to get me out of the bathroom. He left me alone, which I was thankful for. I didn’t want him to see me. I didn’t want him to find out about all my bad thoughts. Instead I just laid down on the tile floor. I could hear him clapping and the familiar crackle of alchemy. He must’ve been fixing everything he messed up. The bathroom was a little messy, too. I think he might’ve punched the mirror… it had a large crack in it. And I think he threw up again, the smell lingered and made me nauseous as well, but I didn’t have the urge to get up and leave.
“Al?” I heard him knock on the door gently, “Hey… you can come out now. I’m not mad at you.”
He felt bad, too. I made him feel bad because he thought he hurt me by being mad. He deserved to be angry with me, though. I shouldn’t have lied to him. I should’ve gone straight home from Sheska’s. I shouldn’t have gone to Sheska’s in the first place. I shouldn’t have strange feelings about my brother.
“Alphonse?” he tried again, it reminded me of the time Ed wasn’t speaking to me when we first moved in, only the tables were turned. It had already been three weeks in this new house.
I decided to be a good little brother, “Yes?”
While my voice hadn’t come out like I’d wanted it to, it was more monotone than anything, he still sighed with relief, “You okay? You want to come out?”
“No.” I like it in here. You don’t have to look at me.
“Oh… alright…” Step. Clank. Step. Clank. He was walking away from the door, probably just going to his study or back to bed. Or maybe neither… I don’t know.
“He almost shot me.” I suddenly heard myself saying. “He pointed the gun at my head.”
We need a new bathroom door.
__________________________________________
I was wrapped up in a big, fluffy blanket. I knew it was supposed to comfort me, but it just made me feel itchy and hot. I was watching Ed fix the bathroom mirror. He clapped once and slammed his hands onto the glass, the crack disappearing with a flash of alchemic light.
“There, everything’s fixed now.” he was trying to ease the tension, or maybe I was the only one who felt the tension, “You hungry, Al? It’s getting late.” I didn’t say anything, he watched me watching him, “We can go out if you want.”
I shook my head, sliding off the toilet seat where Ed had put me. He didn’t like the idea of me lying on the floor, he moved me right after he broke down the door with alchemy. I slipped out of the bathroom, letting the blanket fall off my shoulders.
“Hey, Al? Where’re you going?” he followed me, picking up the blanket.
“I’m cooking.” I mumbled, watching myself enter the kitchen and go straight for the fridge. I began grabbing really strange ingredients. I had no idea what I was making, “I always cook dinner.”
Ed sounded tired as he sighed, his voice did too, “I know you do, Al. But it’s okay if you don’t feel well. I’ll make something.”
“You burn things and you don’t feel well. I need to take care of you. I should’ve been here to take care of you.” A bottle of ketchup, a block of cheese, some vegetables, and applesauce. What am I doing?
Ed was thinking the same thing, “Al, you’re tired. It’s okay if you don’t cook tonight.”
“But I always cook.” I didn’t want to cook today, “And you threw up again. You’re sick.”
“I’m feeling much better, Al. I swear. Come on. I’ll make us some soup and you go lie down.” he tried to coax me over to the couch, placing a hand on the small of my back.
I shook my head, but let him lead me anyway, “Don’t want soup… I’m not hungry.”
He sat me down on the couch. “You need to eat-”
“No I don’t. You know that…” I didn’t feel right. I felt numb and empty. Panic rose in me. “I can’t feel anything, Brother!”
Ed knelt down in front of me, taking my hands and looking confused, “Al, what’re you…?”
“I can’t feel! There’s nothing! I can’t-!”
“Al, stop it. Don’t say that.”
“But I can’t! Brother, I-I can’t!”
“Yes you can! You’re just panicking or hyper violating or whatever it’s called! You’re okay.”
“No! No, I’m not! I can’t… it’s, I-I… Brother! Help! I-”
His weight settled around me, legs straddling me as he gained enough balance to be on the couch with me. A warm hand pressed against my cheek. Warm? His cheeks were lightly flushed, a light frown gracing his expression. But he was warm and though I could feel the hardness of the auto mail, there was also the soft flesh. I sighed, my body relaxing and my mind letting go of the notion that I was armor.
“I’m sorry…” I murmured sleepily as he drew himself closer to reassure me, or maybe himself.
Ed shook his head, the fine strands brushing against my face, “No, don’t be sorry. It’s okay. I’m the one who should be sorry. You wouldn’t have felt like that if I hadn’t-”
“We’re both sorry, then.” I interrupted him, smiling sadly.
He said nothing more, simply embracing me awkwardly as I let my hands trail up his back. My fingertips came to the end of his braid, it was silky to the touch. I guess he did his hair while I was gone. That was good, or else it would’ve gotten tangled. A realization came to me and I blushed lightly.
“Hey, Brother?” my voice punctured the peaceful quiet that hovered over us.
“Hmm?”
“I’m hungry.”
There was an awkward silence. Then Ed started laughing, a rumble in his chest close to where my head was. My smile grew, I loved it when my brother was happy.
__________________________________________
The warm soup that Ed made for us had made me feel so much better! I was starting to wonder if he maybe put some kind of drug in it to make me less depressed, but it’s not like I was complaining. As I slipped under the covers of my bed, I made sure my lamp left on so I could start reading one of the books I borrowed. Despite all the excitement of the day, I still wanted to find out more about my strange feelings. I leaned over the side of my bed and made a grab for the bag. Images of blood, the wild man, and crying children. I gasped, shaking my head to rid myself of the thoughts. The bag fell over, but I shoved it under my bed, taking out only one of the texts.
Casting a wary glance to the bathroom door, I relaxed as the sound of running water reached me. Ed was taking a shower, so him turning off the water would be a warning for me to hide my book. The title was simply “Human Relationships”, a simple way to begin. The binding crinkled a little as I opened it, flipping to the table of contents. “Relationships with Relations: Families and Socialization” was the chapter I was looking for. It was on page 95. It sounded like a good place to start. Thumbing through the pages, I found page 95 and scanned the pages for something about siblings. Before I could find anything though, I stumbled across an interesting word. Incest.
“Incest is sexual activity between close family
Incest can occur between same-sex as well as opposite-sex relatives. It can also occur between related children as well as between parents and their children. In addition, there have been cases of incest between adult relatives.”
members. Incest is considered taboo, and forbidden (fully or slightly) in the majority of current and historical cultures. However, the precise meaning of the word varies widely, because different cultures have differing notions of "sexual activity" and "close family member." Some cultures consider only those related by birth, while others include those related by adoption or marriage. Some prohibit sexual relations between people who grew up in the same household, while others prohibit sexual relations between people who grew up in related households.
I blinked at the page, feeling my face grow hot with embarrassment. So, other people fell in love with their relatives? Not only that… but parents and children, too. However, the related children part caught my eye. I read further to see if I could find anything about incest for siblings. I shuddered at the word. For some reason it didn’t sound very nice. I wasn’t very fond of the idea of it being forbidden… it made me even more unsure of how I was feeling.
“Consensual incestuous interactions between similar-age brothers and sisters sometimes occur as a form of child sexuality. However, where significant differences in age or capabilities occur between siblings, where elders fail to provide functional families, and/or where force or deception is used, childhood sibling incest can cause serious psychological damage to the younger or less capable sibling. Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds.”
Damage or destroy…?
I bit my lower lip at the last sentence. It was awfully final, I did not like how it ended the paragraph like that. The psychological damage to the younger sibling made me squirm uncomfortably. I was the younger sibling with the feeling towards my older brother… not to mention that the age difference wasn’t all that large. We were technically a year apart, if you looked past my body’s young age. It didn’t really talk about love though. I mean, I didn’t want to… damage anything… or, what was it? Involve in… sexual activity? I colored at the thought, feeling guilty for the words crossing my mind. I just love him… does that mean that I want to do that kind of thing with him? I mean, there are times when I want to kiss him… but… that’s not bad, right? Or will that still damage our sibling bond?
I decided to leave the incest portion of the chapter for now, I wanted to see more about bonds that siblings had. It might give me some kind of explanation of how I ended up like this. However, before I could flip to a new page, I was suddenly aware that the water hadn’t been running in a while. The bathroom door opened. Hastily, I shoved the book under my pillow, making sure it looked anything but suspicious or obvious.
“Hey, little brother, you’re still awake?” with nothing but a towel draped around his waist, Ed sauntered into the bedroom.
I cursed myself for finally getting rid of my blush only to have it come back. But it was hard not to stare at him as he walked over to the dresser. His hair was let loose and dripping wet. It hung down over his shoulders, letting fat droplets of water trickle down his scarred, muscular chest. The wet sheen that clung to him made him look so familiar from all the times in the inns searching for the Philosopher’s Stone, but still completely different because this was my body I saw him in. But I’ve seen Brother like this tons of times! I argued with myself, eyes drawn to his right shoulder. The scar tissue around the automail port was unsettling, while it still added to his handsomeness. My brother had always been really handsome, even when we were kids. At least I thought so.
I could remember one time when we were really little, we were playing castle and Winry was the princess. Ed and I usually fought over who got to be Winry’s prince, but this time Ed wanted to be the dragon. I told him he should be the prince. When he asked why, I told him it was because he was handsome. I remember he just stared at me for a while before grinning triumphantly. It was the one time no one fought over who they got to be. But at the end of the game, after the prince saved the princess, Winry gave Ed a kiss on the cheek for rescuing her. Then I asked Winry if I could be the princess next time. They teased me about that for a long time.
Ed turned around to look at me, I guess he felt me staring at him like that. A knowing grin was on his lips, golden eyes glowing like hot embers. I clamped my own eyes shut, if he continued looking at me like that, he’d see right through me. Involuntarily, my hand clenched on the pillow shielding my book.
“Oi, Al. You okay?” I was hesitant in opening my eyes, but when I did the previous expression was gone and he was back to being my brother.
I nodded, a little too eagerly, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired and I think I’m getting a headache.”
Ed snorted, now wearing his boxers and toweling off his hair, “Then go to sleep, idiot. You don’t have to wait up for me.”
“Well, I like to.” I protested, feigning a yawn and scooting down so my head hit the pillow. “You’re going to bed now, right?”
He shrugged, “It is eleven and I’m still tired out from breaking stuff and fixing it.”
“If you didn’t break it in the first place, then you wouldn’t have to deal with fixing it.”
He pouted, sticking his tongue out at me. I chuckled and got a pillow thrown at my head. Grabbing it in my hand I tossed it back at him, but he dodged it and threw his wet towel instead. I wadded it up into a ball and chucked it at him while he bent down to get the pillow, nailing him right in the head. We were laughing and shouting random challenges at each other. The shrill ringing of the phone interrupted our pillow-towel fight.
Ed glared and tossed his pillow back onto his bed, “Who the hell calls this late?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s an emergency.” I offered, retreating back into a lying down position.
“Hmm, I guess.” he grumbled, stomping out of the room to go an answer the telephone, “Go to sleep, okay Al?”
“Okay.” I turned off the lamp, then rolled over so that I was on my side and facing the door to the hallway. My arm was tucked under my head and blankets covering my up to my chin. I listened and heard him pick up the phone.
“Hello?” he spoke into the receiver. “What the hell do you want? Don’t you know it’s eleven at night? Some people sleep, Mustang.” Ah, so it was Mustang calling. I wonder what he wants… A flash of him knocking me out of the way of the gun came to me. “What…? Yeah, he’s fine. Why do you care?” There was a long pause. Too long for my liking. “…yeah, I’m still here. He wants a what?” Worry seeped into me, I didn’t like Ed’s tone. It sounded too much like when he was telling me ‘I’ll get your body back. Just wait a little longer. I’m sorry. Don’t give up. We’ll be okay. I’ll fix things.’ “…But Mustang, I can’t just-! I have to? But…” My brow creased in worry, “Do I really have to? Oh… well, then of course I’ll do it. Yes. Fine. But it’s not for you or any of your damn promotions, got it? Fine. Bye.” I heard him hang up the phone, so I closed my eyes to feign that I had been attempting to fall asleep.
The sound of Ed walking got louder, soon it was coupled by his breathing and shuffling around the room in the dark. I remained still and quiet, listening to his movements. It was suddenly silent, so I assumed that he got into his own bed. When my bed dipped with extra weight, I cracked an eye open while remembering last night. Only Ed wasn’t drunk now. So it would be fine… but why was he getting in my bed?
“Brother?” I whispered, actually sounding half-asleep.
Ed lifted the covers and snuggled into bed with me, “Shh… I just want to sleep here, okay? It’s cold. Go back to sleep.”
I smiled, but did as he requested. I knew for a fact it wasn’t cold since summer was approaching.
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That night my dreams were filled with a simple sentence: Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds. Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds. Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds. Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds.
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Well, yes, The End!! Of chapter 8. As you have seen, the writing in bold and quotes that Al read in his book are courtesy of Wikipedia and the title of the book, chapter name in said book, and page number come from Steve Duck's book "Human Relations". I've never read this book, I just found the title online and decided to use it and I'm crediting him. Go Steve Duck!! -has no idea who he is-
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Stay tuned for the next thrilling chronicles of Hand in Hand!! (If it's thrilling at all... --_--;; )
I did research for this chapter, it will be further explained in the ending note, otherwise I'd give away some stuff. But credits of research go to Wikipedia and a book by Steve Duck.
Well, enough of my blabbering ^^ I just want to thank my readers for reading though. I love all the comments, they make me smile ^w^ and the fanart is completely awesome as well!! Enjoy chapter 8!
EDIT: It was being lame again... I fixed italics --_--;;
Title: Hand in Hand
Written by armor_of_guilt
Genre: Angst!! Other things!! Fluff!! Angst!!
Pairings: Elricesty-like
Warnings: Spoilers up to episode 51; AU; language; blood; more stupidity; wiggling cigarrettes; soup
Rating: PG-13 for now... Ed's got a bigger potty-mouth here I think...
Story: Ongoing
[..Part VIII..]
[What is incest?]
__________________________________________
It’s so bright. Must be morning… Mmm… I’m too tired to get up. Went to be too late… wait. Went to bed… BROTHER!!
My eyelids flew open as I shot up in bed. Breathing heavily, my eyes searched the room frantically. My paranoia had gotten the better of me. I was alone in the room. Placing a hand to my chest, I willed my heart rate to slow down. It listened, though it took some time to get it back down to a reasonable pace. I swallowed thickly and had my eyes trace the room once more. He’s not here… b-but I’m sure I fell asleep with him in here… o-on me…
“Don’t cry, Al. Don‘t cry. Don‘t cry.”
“I’m sorry!”
“Uggh…” I pounded my fists into my head, “Stupid, stupid Alphonse… what if he remembers all that?”
My eyes went wide. If Ed wasn’t in the room… that only left his office, which he isn’t in until after lunch, or the kitchen, which he isn’t in until he smells food, or the bathroom, which he isn’t in until I wake him up. But, considering that Ed normally doesn’t wake up until I do it for him or a little after eleven, he could be in any of those places. Or he could’ve left…
“OW!!” I yelped in pain, rubbing my head where it hit the floor, “Note to self… never try to leap out of bed with the covers tucked around you… Huh?”
I blinked, glancing back at my bed. I was almost positive that I had gotten onto the bed, not into it last night. So… how did I get tucked in? Feeling suspicious, I looked down at my clothes. I was still wearing my tux, but the shoes had been taken off and so had the suit coat. I hadn’t done that. Did Brother do all that? Or am I just suffering from memory loss? I shook my head, rising to my feet so I could go look for Ed.
I poked my head out into the hall. The bathroom door was still open, so he couldn’t be in there unless… he didn’t mind privacy? I shook my head, No, he’s not there. I started walking down the hall, peering into his office as I went. It was empty in there, too. A soft groan came from the kitchen area, so I started to look over there. Ed was sitting at the table with his head cradled in his hands and a glass of water beside him. He looked like hell, but at least he had dressed himself.
“Brother?” I called out hesitantly, watching for his reaction.
“Shh!” he hissed, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, “Don’t talk so damn loud…”
I lowered my head, bringing my voice down to an audible whisper, “I’m sorry…”
“Hmm, not your fault… damn hangover…” Ed reached for the glass of water and sipped at it. “… I feel sick…”
I started walking over to him, not liking how his voice sounded, “Maybe you should lie down?”
“Mmm…”
I placed a hand on his shoulder, much too relieved that he was still here. Why am I so paranoid that I’ll wake up and he’ll be gone? I felt him tense beneath my hand and I pulled back. Maybe he doesn’t want me to touch him… I wondered, taking a step back when his hand lashed out to grab my wrist. I stared at our hands, glancing up only to see him glowering at me. I blinked back, why was he looking at me like that?
“Did I tell you to move your hand?” he asked tiredly, “I’m not gonna bite you, Al. You touched my auto mail port, it’s a little sore, that’s all.”
I nodded, “Oh… alright. Do you need anything for it? Or for your hangover?”
Ed grunted, thumb stroking the underside of my wrist absently. A shiver ran down my spine, it felt good. “Some more pain medication maybe… the stuff Winry gave me? Yeah… then a nap…”
“What about that salve Winry told you to put on around the port? Have you been doing that?” I asked, wanting to go get his medicine for him but also wanting to stay with him. Plus, he wasn’t letting go of my wrist.
Ed snorted, “No… that stuff feels gross… besides, it’s hard to put it on myself…”
“If you just asked for help, then it wouldn’t be so hard.” I smiled, remembering to keep my voice low, “Come on, Brother. Let’s get you to bed.”
If I could avoid talking about last night, then I was definitely going to take that opportunity. It was too awkward for me, the way that I loved it and hated it at the same time. No, I didn’t hate what he was doing to me… I hated myself for enjoying it… why do I like it? These confusing thoughts were only serving to bring me down, so I pushed them away and concentrated on helping Ed to the bedroom.
“What the hell did you do to your bed?” Ed squinted against the light, gaze directed on my bed.
I laughed nervously, the sheets were all tangled up on the floor in a heap and the night table between our beds was knocked to the side a bit. “Uhh… I fell out of bed.”
“Clumsy, idiot…” he mumbled, sounding amused while being in pain. “Head’s throbbing…”
I nodded, “Okay, hang on, Brother.”
I sat him down on the bed, leaving him to get all situated by himself. In the kitchen, I refilled his half-empty glass of water. After doing that, I carefully walked back down the hall into the bathroom to grab the bottle of pills for Ed’s pains. The normal dosage was two pills for someone his age, but I figured he might want a little more, so I added a third pill. I went back into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of Ed’s bed. He was propped up on his pillows, obviously waiting for me to get back, but was shielding his eyes.
“It’s too bright, Al…” he grumbled, taking the water and pills from me.
I nodded, “Okay, I’ll go close the blinds.”
I could feel eyes on my back as I got up to go to the window. Fiddling with the blinds, I felt my cheeks heat up for no good reason, and darkened the room to suit Ed. I peered at him over my shoulder. His head was lowered onto the pillows once again, the glass of water sitting on the night table. A serene smile was plastered to his face, his eyes slipped closed in contentment. The sight was breathtaking, but I tried my hardest to ignore that as I went back over to him.
“Mmm… that’s good, Al. Thanks…” he mumbled, cracking one eye open to watch me tuck him in.
“You’re welcome, Brother.” I flashed him a little smile, “Just get better soon. If you need anything, just ask, okay?” I straightened up from his bedside and began to leave the room. I was going to call Hawkeye to ask her for advice on dealing with people with hangovers. I figured she’d know and be nice about it.
“A-al?” Ed’s voice came out muffled from being pressed into a pillow.
I froze in the doorway, paranoia taking over again; He’ll ask about last night! He knows! Instead I turned around to face with a forced grin. “Y-yes, Brother?”
“I…” I watched his fist clench, he was worried about something, “I was… d-did I…? Never mind… it’s nothing…”
“Tell me.” the response was automatic, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know… but if it would help my brother, than I was willing to hear it, “What’s wrong?”
Ed shook his head, curling into himself, “It’s nothing… and don’t talk so loud…”
“Brother, don’t hide it. There’s obviously something wrong-”
“I said it’s nothing.” the harsh tone surprised me, I rarely heard Ed speak like that and it was never to me.
“Right…” I nodded, inching out of the room, “I’m sorry. I’ll let you sleep.” My hand reached for the doorknob, my palm was sweaty from nerves.
Ed sighed from his bed, “Al, I-” I didn’t want to hear him apologize. I shut the door with a soft ‘click’, letting my hand linger on the knob. It was my turn to apologize. For all my empty promises and thinking about him in that way without his permission.
“I’m sorry.” I told him through the wood, not waiting for a reply.
I shuffled into the kitchen, my hand groping for the back of a chair. Running a hand through my hair, I slumped into the chair. I just need some time to think this over rationally… and I need to stop being so… I need to stop having this crush on Brother… uggh! Why do I feel this way about him?! It’s not like there’s anything that can explain to me why I feel this way… I can’t just ask someone for advice, they’d probably think I’m weird. And it’s not like there are any books on the subject…
…or are there?
The sound of someone heaving came to my ears. I frowned lightly and got up from the chair. I had an idea of what I could do about researching my problem, but first I needed to get Ed situated. Taking the phone from it’s cradle, I dialed the number to get to Lieutenant Hawkeye’s line. It was hard, since I was using an outside line, but I knew the codes and the military knew me.
“Hello, Alphonse.” I heard Hawkeye greet me after a few moments of silence from the secretary.
“Hi Lieutenant Hawkeye, how are you?”
I heard her sigh, “Well, I could be better, but at least I’m not the one suffering from an intense hangover.” I assumed she meant the new Brigadier General. “It’s the first day of his promotion and all he can do is moan and groan about how his head hurts. At this rate, no paperwork will be done at all.”
“I’m sorry about that.” I told her honestly, “But speaking of hangovers, I need some help. What should I give my brother to make him feel better?”
I could feel her smirking, while I heard Roy groaning in the background. He was whining about having a headache and being forced to do paperwork. “Well, there’s not much you can do. Just give him some aspirin and have him drink a lot of water. Once he’s not nauseous, you should have him eat a lot of heavy food to replenish the nutrients in his body. Other than that, he should just relax and stay in bed.” Roy grumbled about having to be forced to work while Fullmetal gets to sleep at home and get nursed by his brother. “Sir, calm down.”
“Alright. Thank you, Lieutenant Hawkeye.” I replied, somewhat hesitantly as I heard a loud crash in the background, “Is everything okay?”
“Of course, the Brigadier General is just about to get a bullet through his head on the first day of his promotion. That’ll get rid of your headache, won’t it, sir?”
I paled, “Uhh… good luck with that! Bye!”
__________________________________________
“There you go! All the books I managed to find about human emotions and relationships!” a rather large stack of books was shoved into my arms, causing me to stumble backwards under the sudden weight and lack of coordinated balance.
I blinked at the pile, it was almost half my size! “Uhh… thanks, Sheska, but I don’t think I need all these…”
“Well, you asked for all the books I had on the subject!” she huffed, grabbing one of the books from the stack before it fell.
I grinned sheepishly. I came to Sheska’s house to collect some books that could possibly help me sort through my problem, I just hadn’t figured she’d have so many. “I guess I have a lot of reading ahead of me.”
I had to lie to Ed about where I was going, I told him that I was going to the market to pick up some things that Lieutenant Hawkeye suggested for his headache and stomach problems. He said okay, but only after vomiting three times. I felt bad for him, I knew it wasn’t any fun to be sick so I planned to pick up some medicine and stuff on my way home. Although I wasn’t sure if I could carry it all.
“Umm… I think I’ll leave some of these with you.” I told her, clearing off a small space on a table.
I placed the stack of books there and began scanning the table of contents for each text. I had a pretty good idea of what I needed to find. I ended up picking three of the books Sheska had handed me. I believed these three had the most information on what I was looking up. Sheska had been watching me carefully before shrugging and picking up the leftover books.
“What exactly are you looking for?” she inquired curiously.
I tucked the books I was borrowing from her into a bag I had brought along, “Honestly? I’m not really sure…”
I said goodbye to Sheska and thanked her again for letting me borrow the books. She was still confused and curious about why I would randomly choose those three books to read, but I couldn’t really tell her. I wasn’t so sure if I could tell anyone about why I picked those books or what I’ve been thinking about these past few weeks. The books I’d picked had extensive information on family relationships and bonds, homosexuality, and relationships in general. Since Sheska had a photographic memory when it came to books, I was kind of nervous that she would suspect something. But there were so many other sections in those books, so I could really be looking up anything.
It was a pretty long walk from my house to Sheska’s. And I needed to go to the market, too. I sighed heavily, my arms weighed down by the books now. I was really curious about what the books would say, I wanted to read them right away, but they’d have to wait. By the time I’d get home it would be time to start dinner. I wonder if Brother’s worried. I mused, checking my watch. I’d left home two hours ago at one. Nah, he’s probably sleeping. I laughed a little, imagining Ed sprawled out on the bed snoring and leaving his stomach exposed like always. Shaking my head, I quickened my pace so that I’d have plenty of time to go to the market. That’s where I was supposed to be anyways.
“What should I make for dinner~?” I hummed to myself, Something hearty and meaty for Brother. Maybe meatloaf? Or lasagna? Or maybe stew… Brother likes stew. So maybe I could-
I paused, mid-thought, and stopped walking as well. My eyes widened as I took in the sight. I had just turned the corner to get to the market, but instead I was met with a swarm of soldiers. A whole bunch of people from the military were there, some members of the hospital staff were too. I even spotted Falman and Fuery, so I was almost certain that Breda and Havoc would be here as well. Mustang and Hawkeye, too. Without a second thought, I hurried over to one of the guards.
“Excuse me, what’s going on?” I asked, curious and a little wary.
The guard just looked at me funny, “Move along, kid. Nothing to see here.”
I opened my mouth to inform him that I was not a kid, when I figured that it would all be in vain. I looked like a kid to him, I couldn’t help that. Disappointment filled me when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to help at all, not without my metal body.
“Hey, kid.”
“Oh, Alphonse, what’re you doing here?”
I glanced over to the right of the guard just in time to see Havoc and Fuery walking towards me, “Hi Lieutenant Havoc, hi Fuery.”
The guard looked between me and the other two, then leaned in to speak with Havoc, “You know this kid?”
“Yep, we’re old friends.” Havoc spoke through his cigarette, “So, what brings you out here?”
“Grocery shopping… but what happened here?” I pointed towards the white sheets on the ground and the military personnel.
Fuery answered for me, “A shooting. Some guy just lost it and shot at several citizens apparently. We don’t know the details, we just got here, but I’ve heard that he’s been apprehended. I think the entire story was broadcasted on the radio a little while ago. Didn’t you here about it?”
I shook my head, “No… but that’s terrible! Why would someone do something like that?”
“We dunno, kid. He’s probably a little crazy in the head. Keeps muttering about some kind of ritual.” Havoc replied, blowing out a thin stream of smoke. “By the way, does Ed know you’re here?”
I nodded, “Yeah, he does…” I paused, what was the probability of Ed randomly turning on the radio to listen to the news? I didn’t think it was very high… but if Ed was extremely bored… or if I accidentally left it on again…? “I-I think I’d better-”
“I’LL GET YOU BASTARDS!!” a series of gunshots and shouts were heard, “THEY’LL ALL DIE!”
Havoc grabbed his gun, “Kid, get out of here!”
A man, big and lumbering, darted out into my field of view. He was firing some kind of large gun at the military. I could see flames from Roy, but the general wasn’t in sight. I froze, my legs wouldn’t move. I could only stare as several military men were shot at… their blood splattering against the pavement. Suddenly the man turned, his dark, inhuman eyes staring at me with a hunger. His tangled, dark hair and wild appearance made him look like a crazed animal. I trembled, backing away slowly. I couldn’t look away.
“Another child for the sacrifice!” he bellowed, pointing his gun right at me.
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t run. He was going to shoot me. I was going to get shot! Someone pushed me to ground and snapped. I stared up at Roy, firing at the man while officers apprehended him once more. But he was still firing like crazy.
“Alphonse, go home!” Roy shouted to me, shoving me off in the direction I had come from. “Run!”
Panicked, I broke into a sprint towards home. All logic fled me and I only had one goal, to get away from those gunshots. The firing echoed in my ears as I barreled past guards rushing in to aid the officers.
“Be careful!” I heard Havoc shout to me, but it was suddenly lost among the sounds of frantic shouting. It was a chaotic nightmare.
I sped around the corner, clutching the bag of books tightly against my chest. I was running as fast as I could on pure instinct. Turning another corner, I hastily tried to focus on which turns to take to lead me home. Another gunshot was in the distance and I ran faster. The confusion reminded me vaguely of the time I got lost in that inn, but this time there was real danger. But, the plus was that I knew where I was going, sort of. With my breathing picking up, I stopped at a four-way intersection and waited for the traffic to stop. My leg twitched out of nervousness. Finally, there were no cars and I darted across. Then I turn… left!
The soles of my shoes were getting hot. My paranoia of the animal man was rising with each step. I kept imagining him coming up behind me with that huge gun of his. I shoved it away. The military’s handling it. The military’s handling it. He’s in custody. He’s in custody. I chanted inwardly. My chest was tightening up, I lost track of how long I had been running for. I barely missed getting hit by a car as I made a mad dash along the street I’d been dropped off at the night before. Almost there! I could’ve sworn I heard another gunshot, so I ducked behind a nearby fence. It was only a tire popping. Panting heavily, I started running again. My neighborhood came into view and I dashed towards it. My feet pounded against the pavement, my heart hammering just as loudly. My house! I would’ve smiled in relief if I wasn’t so anxious and tired, neighbors who happened to be outside looked over at me. I clambered up to the front door, flinging it open and tossing the bag aside.
I stood in the doorway, completely out of breath and leaning most of my weight on the arm that was propped up against the doorframe. There was a huge mess in the living room, or was it more the dining room? Well, whichever room it was, three of the chairs from the kitchen table were knocked over into this main room. One of them was even broken. The couch was at an awkward angle, as if someone pushed it, and the end table where the phone sat was knocked over and broken as well. The phone was out of it’s cradle and laying on the floor, the cord was still in the wall though. Something was ripped up on the floor, papers of some sort. I jumped at the sound of crack of static. It came from the radio. It was on.
I could hear him storming through the house before I even opened my mouth to call for him. “WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!”
I gently closed the front door and slid the lock into place. I didn’t want to scare the neighbors… again… When I turned around, he was standing no less than two feet away from me. His face was bright red with anger, well that’s what I was guessing, and the scowl that creased his brow wasn’t one of the more gentler ones. His expression mirrored that of one he would give to Mustang if the man did something he didn’t like. Edward was livid.
I gulped, “H-hi, Brother… Are you feeling bet-?”
“DON’T ‘HI BROTHER’ ME!! NOT NOW!” I winced at his loud voice. “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!”
I was trying to calm him down by acting relaxed, despite my panting, “I… I was thinking about what to make for dinner…”
Ed growled, that hadn’t been the best answer, “Al… do you know what happened at the market? Do you?!”
I hung my head, feeling like a child that got caught by their mother with their hand in the cookie jar, “Yeah… a man shot some people… Havoc and Fuery told me.” He didn’t need to know that I actually saw the man.
“He massacred children, Al.”
I paled, knees locking. I must’ve heard wrong. They didn’t tell me that at the crime scene. They would’ve right? “We don’t know the details, we just got here. I think the entire story was broadcasted on the radio a little while ago.” Children? But… why? I felt Ed’s eyes boring into me, for some reason it scared me.
“Brother… no… he couldn’t have…” The gun had been pointed right at me.
Ed’s voice trembled, torn between fury and panic, “He massacred children. Nine of them. In broad fucking daylight. Nine families, nine families, are broken now. Did you even consider that this, this family right here in this house could’ve been broken too?! Did you even think about the possibility that there could’ve been ten deaths instead of nine, or that a certain idiot standing in front of me could’ve been one of the nine?!”Almost… I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. I just stood there in front of him, avoiding his accusing gaze. Those poor families… losing a child must be so hard… and what did those children do to deserve a death like that… or a death at all? Nothing, I’m sure. Where’s the equivalency in that? Equivalent exchange… Tears of frustration and fear welled up in my eyes, temporarily blinding me. What if that had been me? I kept my head bowed so I wouldn’t have to face the disappointment in my brother’s eyes.
“I’m sorry…” I whispered softly, almost inaudible, but he heard it.
“You’re sorry? I know you’re sorry, Al!” he grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little, forcing me to look at him, “Tell me why you thought it was okay to stay out there two hours after he killed them! Why did you think it was okay to leave me here wondering if you were alive for two damn hours!? Why didn’t you call?! Why didn’t you come home?! Answer me, Al!”
“I didn’t know!!” I suddenly screaming, jerking myself out of his grip and darting down the hall, “I wasn’t even there!” I slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it. The bathroom was the only room in the house with a lock.
Breathing heavily, I gripped the door knob tightly. My knuckles turned white. I reluctantly released it, sliding down until I curled up on the floor. I felt so bad. My brother had been worrying about me, but I hadn’t even been there. He really didn’t have any reason to have been worried… other than the fact that I saw the animal-like man. But I came home. Other families wouldn’t get to see their son or daughter or brother or sister or grandchild come home ever again. Those innocent children who had only gone out to run an errand, who didn’t know that it would be the last time they saw their families. They were only normal kids. They hadn’t seen terrible things that children shouldn’t see, forbidden things. They weren’t like me. It wasn’t fair! What did they do?! Why did they have to die?! How have I been able to escape death so many times while they couldn’t even escape it once?!
What did I do to deserve to live? Why am I still alive? What did I do?
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Ed didn’t try to get me out of the bathroom. He left me alone, which I was thankful for. I didn’t want him to see me. I didn’t want him to find out about all my bad thoughts. Instead I just laid down on the tile floor. I could hear him clapping and the familiar crackle of alchemy. He must’ve been fixing everything he messed up. The bathroom was a little messy, too. I think he might’ve punched the mirror… it had a large crack in it. And I think he threw up again, the smell lingered and made me nauseous as well, but I didn’t have the urge to get up and leave.
“Al?” I heard him knock on the door gently, “Hey… you can come out now. I’m not mad at you.”
He felt bad, too. I made him feel bad because he thought he hurt me by being mad. He deserved to be angry with me, though. I shouldn’t have lied to him. I should’ve gone straight home from Sheska’s. I shouldn’t have gone to Sheska’s in the first place. I shouldn’t have strange feelings about my brother.
“Alphonse?” he tried again, it reminded me of the time Ed wasn’t speaking to me when we first moved in, only the tables were turned. It had already been three weeks in this new house.
I decided to be a good little brother, “Yes?”
While my voice hadn’t come out like I’d wanted it to, it was more monotone than anything, he still sighed with relief, “You okay? You want to come out?”
“No.” I like it in here. You don’t have to look at me.
“Oh… alright…” Step. Clank. Step. Clank. He was walking away from the door, probably just going to his study or back to bed. Or maybe neither… I don’t know.
“He almost shot me.” I suddenly heard myself saying. “He pointed the gun at my head.”
We need a new bathroom door.
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I was wrapped up in a big, fluffy blanket. I knew it was supposed to comfort me, but it just made me feel itchy and hot. I was watching Ed fix the bathroom mirror. He clapped once and slammed his hands onto the glass, the crack disappearing with a flash of alchemic light.
“There, everything’s fixed now.” he was trying to ease the tension, or maybe I was the only one who felt the tension, “You hungry, Al? It’s getting late.” I didn’t say anything, he watched me watching him, “We can go out if you want.”
I shook my head, sliding off the toilet seat where Ed had put me. He didn’t like the idea of me lying on the floor, he moved me right after he broke down the door with alchemy. I slipped out of the bathroom, letting the blanket fall off my shoulders.
“Hey, Al? Where’re you going?” he followed me, picking up the blanket.
“I’m cooking.” I mumbled, watching myself enter the kitchen and go straight for the fridge. I began grabbing really strange ingredients. I had no idea what I was making, “I always cook dinner.”
Ed sounded tired as he sighed, his voice did too, “I know you do, Al. But it’s okay if you don’t feel well. I’ll make something.”
“You burn things and you don’t feel well. I need to take care of you. I should’ve been here to take care of you.” A bottle of ketchup, a block of cheese, some vegetables, and applesauce. What am I doing?
Ed was thinking the same thing, “Al, you’re tired. It’s okay if you don’t cook tonight.”
“But I always cook.” I didn’t want to cook today, “And you threw up again. You’re sick.”
“I’m feeling much better, Al. I swear. Come on. I’ll make us some soup and you go lie down.” he tried to coax me over to the couch, placing a hand on the small of my back.
I shook my head, but let him lead me anyway, “Don’t want soup… I’m not hungry.”
He sat me down on the couch. “You need to eat-”
“No I don’t. You know that…” I didn’t feel right. I felt numb and empty. Panic rose in me. “I can’t feel anything, Brother!”
Ed knelt down in front of me, taking my hands and looking confused, “Al, what’re you…?”
“I can’t feel! There’s nothing! I can’t-!”
“Al, stop it. Don’t say that.”
“But I can’t! Brother, I-I can’t!”
“Yes you can! You’re just panicking or hyper violating or whatever it’s called! You’re okay.”
“No! No, I’m not! I can’t… it’s, I-I… Brother! Help! I-”
His weight settled around me, legs straddling me as he gained enough balance to be on the couch with me. A warm hand pressed against my cheek. Warm? His cheeks were lightly flushed, a light frown gracing his expression. But he was warm and though I could feel the hardness of the auto mail, there was also the soft flesh. I sighed, my body relaxing and my mind letting go of the notion that I was armor.
“I’m sorry…” I murmured sleepily as he drew himself closer to reassure me, or maybe himself.
Ed shook his head, the fine strands brushing against my face, “No, don’t be sorry. It’s okay. I’m the one who should be sorry. You wouldn’t have felt like that if I hadn’t-”
“We’re both sorry, then.” I interrupted him, smiling sadly.
He said nothing more, simply embracing me awkwardly as I let my hands trail up his back. My fingertips came to the end of his braid, it was silky to the touch. I guess he did his hair while I was gone. That was good, or else it would’ve gotten tangled. A realization came to me and I blushed lightly.
“Hey, Brother?” my voice punctured the peaceful quiet that hovered over us.
“Hmm?”
“I’m hungry.”
There was an awkward silence. Then Ed started laughing, a rumble in his chest close to where my head was. My smile grew, I loved it when my brother was happy.
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The warm soup that Ed made for us had made me feel so much better! I was starting to wonder if he maybe put some kind of drug in it to make me less depressed, but it’s not like I was complaining. As I slipped under the covers of my bed, I made sure my lamp left on so I could start reading one of the books I borrowed. Despite all the excitement of the day, I still wanted to find out more about my strange feelings. I leaned over the side of my bed and made a grab for the bag. Images of blood, the wild man, and crying children. I gasped, shaking my head to rid myself of the thoughts. The bag fell over, but I shoved it under my bed, taking out only one of the texts.
Casting a wary glance to the bathroom door, I relaxed as the sound of running water reached me. Ed was taking a shower, so him turning off the water would be a warning for me to hide my book. The title was simply “Human Relationships”, a simple way to begin. The binding crinkled a little as I opened it, flipping to the table of contents. “Relationships with Relations: Families and Socialization” was the chapter I was looking for. It was on page 95. It sounded like a good place to start. Thumbing through the pages, I found page 95 and scanned the pages for something about siblings. Before I could find anything though, I stumbled across an interesting word. Incest.
“Incest is sexual activity between close family
Incest can occur between same-sex as well as opposite-sex relatives. It can also occur between related children as well as between parents and their children. In addition, there have been cases of incest between adult relatives.”
members. Incest is considered taboo, and forbidden (fully or slightly) in the majority of current and historical cultures. However, the precise meaning of the word varies widely, because different cultures have differing notions of "sexual activity" and "close family member." Some cultures consider only those related by birth, while others include those related by adoption or marriage. Some prohibit sexual relations between people who grew up in the same household, while others prohibit sexual relations between people who grew up in related households.
I blinked at the page, feeling my face grow hot with embarrassment. So, other people fell in love with their relatives? Not only that… but parents and children, too. However, the related children part caught my eye. I read further to see if I could find anything about incest for siblings. I shuddered at the word. For some reason it didn’t sound very nice. I wasn’t very fond of the idea of it being forbidden… it made me even more unsure of how I was feeling.
“Consensual incestuous interactions between similar-age brothers and sisters sometimes occur as a form of child sexuality. However, where significant differences in age or capabilities occur between siblings, where elders fail to provide functional families, and/or where force or deception is used, childhood sibling incest can cause serious psychological damage to the younger or less capable sibling. Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds.”
Damage or destroy…?
I bit my lower lip at the last sentence. It was awfully final, I did not like how it ended the paragraph like that. The psychological damage to the younger sibling made me squirm uncomfortably. I was the younger sibling with the feeling towards my older brother… not to mention that the age difference wasn’t all that large. We were technically a year apart, if you looked past my body’s young age. It didn’t really talk about love though. I mean, I didn’t want to… damage anything… or, what was it? Involve in… sexual activity? I colored at the thought, feeling guilty for the words crossing my mind. I just love him… does that mean that I want to do that kind of thing with him? I mean, there are times when I want to kiss him… but… that’s not bad, right? Or will that still damage our sibling bond?
I decided to leave the incest portion of the chapter for now, I wanted to see more about bonds that siblings had. It might give me some kind of explanation of how I ended up like this. However, before I could flip to a new page, I was suddenly aware that the water hadn’t been running in a while. The bathroom door opened. Hastily, I shoved the book under my pillow, making sure it looked anything but suspicious or obvious.
“Hey, little brother, you’re still awake?” with nothing but a towel draped around his waist, Ed sauntered into the bedroom.
I cursed myself for finally getting rid of my blush only to have it come back. But it was hard not to stare at him as he walked over to the dresser. His hair was let loose and dripping wet. It hung down over his shoulders, letting fat droplets of water trickle down his scarred, muscular chest. The wet sheen that clung to him made him look so familiar from all the times in the inns searching for the Philosopher’s Stone, but still completely different because this was my body I saw him in. But I’ve seen Brother like this tons of times! I argued with myself, eyes drawn to his right shoulder. The scar tissue around the automail port was unsettling, while it still added to his handsomeness. My brother had always been really handsome, even when we were kids. At least I thought so.
I could remember one time when we were really little, we were playing castle and Winry was the princess. Ed and I usually fought over who got to be Winry’s prince, but this time Ed wanted to be the dragon. I told him he should be the prince. When he asked why, I told him it was because he was handsome. I remember he just stared at me for a while before grinning triumphantly. It was the one time no one fought over who they got to be. But at the end of the game, after the prince saved the princess, Winry gave Ed a kiss on the cheek for rescuing her. Then I asked Winry if I could be the princess next time. They teased me about that for a long time.
Ed turned around to look at me, I guess he felt me staring at him like that. A knowing grin was on his lips, golden eyes glowing like hot embers. I clamped my own eyes shut, if he continued looking at me like that, he’d see right through me. Involuntarily, my hand clenched on the pillow shielding my book.
“Oi, Al. You okay?” I was hesitant in opening my eyes, but when I did the previous expression was gone and he was back to being my brother.
I nodded, a little too eagerly, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired and I think I’m getting a headache.”
Ed snorted, now wearing his boxers and toweling off his hair, “Then go to sleep, idiot. You don’t have to wait up for me.”
“Well, I like to.” I protested, feigning a yawn and scooting down so my head hit the pillow. “You’re going to bed now, right?”
He shrugged, “It is eleven and I’m still tired out from breaking stuff and fixing it.”
“If you didn’t break it in the first place, then you wouldn’t have to deal with fixing it.”
He pouted, sticking his tongue out at me. I chuckled and got a pillow thrown at my head. Grabbing it in my hand I tossed it back at him, but he dodged it and threw his wet towel instead. I wadded it up into a ball and chucked it at him while he bent down to get the pillow, nailing him right in the head. We were laughing and shouting random challenges at each other. The shrill ringing of the phone interrupted our pillow-towel fight.
Ed glared and tossed his pillow back onto his bed, “Who the hell calls this late?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s an emergency.” I offered, retreating back into a lying down position.
“Hmm, I guess.” he grumbled, stomping out of the room to go an answer the telephone, “Go to sleep, okay Al?”
“Okay.” I turned off the lamp, then rolled over so that I was on my side and facing the door to the hallway. My arm was tucked under my head and blankets covering my up to my chin. I listened and heard him pick up the phone.
“Hello?” he spoke into the receiver. “What the hell do you want? Don’t you know it’s eleven at night? Some people sleep, Mustang.” Ah, so it was Mustang calling. I wonder what he wants… A flash of him knocking me out of the way of the gun came to me. “What…? Yeah, he’s fine. Why do you care?” There was a long pause. Too long for my liking. “…yeah, I’m still here. He wants a what?” Worry seeped into me, I didn’t like Ed’s tone. It sounded too much like when he was telling me ‘I’ll get your body back. Just wait a little longer. I’m sorry. Don’t give up. We’ll be okay. I’ll fix things.’ “…But Mustang, I can’t just-! I have to? But…” My brow creased in worry, “Do I really have to? Oh… well, then of course I’ll do it. Yes. Fine. But it’s not for you or any of your damn promotions, got it? Fine. Bye.” I heard him hang up the phone, so I closed my eyes to feign that I had been attempting to fall asleep.
The sound of Ed walking got louder, soon it was coupled by his breathing and shuffling around the room in the dark. I remained still and quiet, listening to his movements. It was suddenly silent, so I assumed that he got into his own bed. When my bed dipped with extra weight, I cracked an eye open while remembering last night. Only Ed wasn’t drunk now. So it would be fine… but why was he getting in my bed?
“Brother?” I whispered, actually sounding half-asleep.
Ed lifted the covers and snuggled into bed with me, “Shh… I just want to sleep here, okay? It’s cold. Go back to sleep.”
I smiled, but did as he requested. I knew for a fact it wasn’t cold since summer was approaching.
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That night my dreams were filled with a simple sentence: Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds. Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds. Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds. Sibling incest can also damage or destroy the sibling bonds.
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Well, yes, The End!! Of chapter 8. As you have seen, the writing in bold and quotes that Al read in his book are courtesy of Wikipedia and the title of the book, chapter name in said book, and page number come from Steve Duck's book "Human Relations". I've never read this book, I just found the title online and decided to use it and I'm crediting him. Go Steve Duck!! -has no idea who he is-
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Stay tuned for the next thrilling chronicles of Hand in Hand!! (If it's thrilling at all... --_--;; )