[fic] Our Environment - Chapter One
Ward stepped into the cool air, sharp and crisp against his face. It was a new start today. Today, he and Fons will travel around and depend on each other without the safe security of a pack and territory. He shifted uneasily in the morning snow as the rest of the pack huddled in the doorway, suddenly unsure about this new step in life.
<’ ( Read more... )
This is a very promising start. The mental image of Ward's traveling coat left me bewildered until I looked up some images of the military coat and Edward's typical one. They are surprisingly similar. I assume the collar of the military-style one became part of the hood? Also, the "pouches" have me confused. Are they just pockets?
I liked the different reactions of each pack member: how Flash went for aesthetics, and Havo was more focused on pack. You get a good sense of their priorities in relationships from that.
The handholding was very sweet! I also enjoyed Fons' persistent curiosity about the road, with Ward's attendant exasperation (very in-character for both of them). That scene made me grin.
My concrit today is lots of tiny stuff. I think the better you write the more nitpicky I'm going to get, sorry.
Today, he and Fons will travel around and depend on each other without the safe security of a pack and territory. "Safe security" is redundant, but if you're wanting Edward's voice to emphasize this, feel free to keep it in.
<’You need to wear a red outer pelt.’> The Alfons described, hands moving animatedly. <’Bright red and long, nearly to your feet. I think you need a colon or semicolon after "Bright red and long".
He had been very lucky so far with Alfons and gaining a pack - however reluctant and conflict filled it had been at first. Pretty sure it should be "Conflict-filled".
Ward felt a thrill of pleasure and warmth at the words. <’I’ll fight to keep you too!’> A comma before the word "too" at the end of a sentence is pretty universal.
Sting rolled his eyes and tapped Ward on his head. <’Well, make the pelt red and give it a hood.’> He smirked at them. <’Make it red and it’s not too different from any other Edward’s. It’ll be better this way. It’ll show that you’re also pack if you just make it red.’> "Make it red" is used a lot, can you find another way of describing it?
Also, in the first section, you use the word "red" a bunch. Can you take it out or use synonyms every second or third time to avoid overuse?
The Alfons walked quickly with Ward hopping to keep up...His face flushed red as he stumbled to catch up to Fons, hand determinedly grabbing the others. You need an apostrophe on "others" to indicate possession of the hand.
He bumped lightly into Ward again. <’Alphonses-sires said that it’s just a test - to make sure we can care and protect each other. I think it should be "Alphonse-sires" and "care for".
Family trip got more exciting We've done this one before: Newspaper article titles usually capitalize every word. Not to be mean, but I don't really like the title itself. It's not very attention-catching, though I certainly have seen similar ones in newspapers before.
Thanks for the update!
Greeny
Reply
Tiny crit (and large) is awesome! Although I won't be able to fix it just yet. I've only logged on for email/to post the next chapter. BUT I will fix it soon! Probably in three days or so, heheh.
Advice and reading greatly appreciated!
Yours in zoofic
Hunters
Reply
Leave a comment