[fic] State of Mind - Chapter Three

[elric_ward]

Title: State of Mind
Author: elric_ward
Rating: M
Genre: Survival.
Word count: 1,653
Summary: Ward never liked the world, but he was content. Then life decided to turn things around and make it difficult for him.
Author Notes: We’ve officially caught up to where my old fic “ended”. The old one was really rushed, so I’ve tried to pace it a little. Finally

Comments

[deepgreen18]

On the language barrier, cryogenia has used in in Firebrand and its sequel.

Hmm...This chapter threw me off a little bit. It doesn't quite feel like it belongs with the rest. Maybe it's the inclusion of the new characters (yay for Mustangs and Hughes! I've never seen a Hughes before, exciting).

A couple things I noticed that created the strangeness:
1: Ward is not named at all in the first paragraph, he's just "he".
2: The sudden inclusion of cats v. dogs. It's not been really mentioned before that Elrics are cats. It's visible in his behavior, but still. This line: <‘Come over here and say it, dog-shit! I’ll turn you into nothing but a pathetic cat toy!’> doesn't do much for me. You could just as easily say "chew-toy" and get the point across. In fact, I think it would flow more easily. Have you ever heard of readers getting side-tracked by unusual words or phrases? That was one for me.
And 3: The "untranslatable" words. Perhaps you over-used it? I counted 15 instances just in this chapter. It's a good technique to emphasize their communication difficulties/species difference, but it can get annoying after a while.

That said, I did enjoy several parts of this chapter. I really liked Ward's instincts towards clapping. This chapter makes me think he's never used alchemy before; very curious. I can see why and how humans might prevent it, accidentally or otherwise, but most other Elrics seem to find their way to it instinctively.
Ward's reaction to being called small was classic, and highly entertaining. Also, Sting's behavior (completely confident bluffing) was very canon. Was he talking to himself? That confused me.

I hope you don't mind my criticism. I'm trying to be constructive. Hope to read more soon.

[elric_ward]

Thanks bucketloads! I've gone back and tweaked some things, so hopefully it is better now. I've never heard of the reader-side tracked thing before, but it makes a lot of sense and I'll keep it in mind for the future.

Re: dog/cat thing felt rather awkward for me as well. Since you guys also find it out of place, I've removed/edited/changed those bits. Especially since I'm not even sure Ward associates himself as a cat and others as not. I've tried to change it to more appropriate definitions. Also, I recently started watching Brotherhood and I completely forgot how common "bastard" is in Edward's vocabulary.

I'm glad Sting's behaviour is both canon and confusing. There was no other way I could get that one section across, which has been bothering me for awhile (I didn't want to cram too much in at once, but still needed something in?). He's probably going to be the hardest one to write throughout the entire story.

[deepgreen18]

Okay, reading it through for the mods: it's definitely better, less strained. Thanks for using my suggestion! I've never had a near-stranger change their word choice for me before.

There are a few typos from the changes though. I can't quote the original post in a reply to a comment, apparently, but the first time Ward says "not-elric" the letters are switched, and there's a spacing issue later on. Sorry, I notice nearly everything.

Another suggestion, if you're not tired of them, would be to alternate not-elric (overall, a good choice) with another term, like...thing, animal, or barbarian, maybe? Bastard could be used again (lol on your mention of that). You left "dog" in once, and it fit pretty well as a derogatory label.
If there is one thing my college English teacher had me do, it was use multiple terms to refer to one idea, because using the same term over and over lessens the impact of the word.

[elric_ward]

I appreciate it all! I'm actually doped up on a few meds right now, so any and all notices of misspelling/incorrect grammar is greatly appreciated. Especially since when I re-read over it I tend to read it as how I thought it was written - not as it is.

Hmm, your teacher is good. I think I shall have to write a list of alternative-labels for everyone (thing?). It's been a few years since my last English class and I don't remember her as being nearly as helpful.