The End?
Hello. How's your week been?
I've been a bit unwilling to get anywhere near livejournal lately. I suppose it's a bit daunting having a big friends-list to try and catch up on. Also, all i seem to do is whinge about the eating disorder.
But there's more to it than that. I think that, in the first place, i started this journal because of... well, a few things. Andy died, i got all reflective on my life, i realised that being secretive about having bulimia was no good, went all honesty-and-communication on everyone, and all that... and other reasons, but they were kind of main ones i think.
But now i've kind of got stuck in this "i have bulimia. I hate it and want to get better. Woe is me" rut, and i can't seem to break out of that part of my life and get into the next phase, which is actually doing the things i need to do to get better.
The thing is, i am stuck. I know i have a problem, i know what the problem is, i even know why i have the problem, and i want to do something about it, i desperately want to get better. But there's the sticking point - between wanting to get better and actually finding the sufficient determination to do the things i have to do, however difficult, to get there.
So i dunno, it makes no difference in reality, but i thought i might ditch this journal. Because i'm through with this phase. This phase being where i have no difficulty admitting to it honestly, and telling everyone that i'm ill but, i dunno, somehow resisting recovery. Fuck knows why - i want more than anything to get better - but there's still one side of me that ignores the other side: one side of my mind says, Step AWAY from the kitchen cupboard, put the chocolate cake DOWN, come out of the fridge with your hands UP etc., while the bulimic side puts fingers in ears and obstinately goes, La la la can't HEAR you.
This journal seems to document that phase, and i don't want to be here anymore. So maybe this is, like, goodbye. Of course, i have e-mail and phone and real-life presence, of which i'd like all of you to make abundant use. If you don't know how to get in contact just comment here. I'll screen comments. If you don't want to make contact because i'm a fucktard, well, fuck you too, crazy fool.
Ta ra den, innit.
I've been a bit unwilling to get anywhere near livejournal lately. I suppose it's a bit daunting having a big friends-list to try and catch up on. Also, all i seem to do is whinge about the eating disorder.
But there's more to it than that. I think that, in the first place, i started this journal because of... well, a few things. Andy died, i got all reflective on my life, i realised that being secretive about having bulimia was no good, went all honesty-and-communication on everyone, and all that... and other reasons, but they were kind of main ones i think.
But now i've kind of got stuck in this "i have bulimia. I hate it and want to get better. Woe is me" rut, and i can't seem to break out of that part of my life and get into the next phase, which is actually doing the things i need to do to get better.
The thing is, i am stuck. I know i have a problem, i know what the problem is, i even know why i have the problem, and i want to do something about it, i desperately want to get better. But there's the sticking point - between wanting to get better and actually finding the sufficient determination to do the things i have to do, however difficult, to get there.
So i dunno, it makes no difference in reality, but i thought i might ditch this journal. Because i'm through with this phase. This phase being where i have no difficulty admitting to it honestly, and telling everyone that i'm ill but, i dunno, somehow resisting recovery. Fuck knows why - i want more than anything to get better - but there's still one side of me that ignores the other side: one side of my mind says, Step AWAY from the kitchen cupboard, put the chocolate cake DOWN, come out of the fridge with your hands UP etc., while the bulimic side puts fingers in ears and obstinately goes, La la la can't HEAR you.
This journal seems to document that phase, and i don't want to be here anymore. So maybe this is, like, goodbye. Of course, i have e-mail and phone and real-life presence, of which i'd like all of you to make abundant use. If you don't know how to get in contact just comment here. I'll screen comments. If you don't want to make contact because i'm a fucktard, well, fuck you too, crazy fool.
Ta ra den, innit.