The death of ideals
To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable,
and wealthy, not rich;
to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly;
to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart;
to bear all cheerfully,
do all bravely,
await occasions, hurry never.
In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious,
grow up through the common.
This is my symphony.
-William Henry Channing
Back when I discovered this in 2011, I was overjoyed to have found something that I felt encapsulated my life, thoughts and values. Something that sufficed for an "about me" description. I am sad that this no longer holds true after I've entered the workforce.
It's the realization of what money can do and bring eg. travel, food, movies. I've also understood quite a few things about life and people that I was too naive to pay attention to in the past, and I'm not sure if this "growth" is a good thing.
I'm fortunate that I know someone else who's also in a creative job, even though she struggles financially a lot less now.
I can't imagine how people who are neutral towards, dislike, or downright hate their jobs can drag themselves out of bed everyday and go through it day after day, for weeks, months, years. don't they live in silent desperation, and wonder if that's all there is to life?
I like what I do, I've never thought about what else I can do for a living besides write, and I'm a lot more fortunate than people who either didn't end up in a field related to their course of study, or sucumbed to what they considered the "dark side" eg. those pride-filled j people choosing pr. (all they were so proud of etc in school was just a lot of hot air.)
in other news, i sprained my ankle in two spots while walking out of the Lornie trail after a run. it was terribly disappointing, and a dismay because i had already been careful. it was my worst fear about running on trails coming true. i don't know how long it'll out me out of action - don't even need my immune system to fail me this time.
i'm more emotionally hit than i thought. deeply sad that a free activity i enjoy that clears my mind, and makes the world look better.. will be put on hold for months probably, going by my ridiculous one year recovery last year.
i'm disappointed that it was sprained at the same NEW spot, and that i found such privacy, therapy and respite from the sun being on the trail on a hot morning but it has so swiftly been robbed from me.
i'm sad that i can't go for the Piano Guys' concert due to financial constraints.
was out for dinner with dad earlier, and haven't felt so vulnerable, and fragile for perhaps a year already. i ate kok kee wanton mee, and dad ordered satay because i was still hungry. the way chinese parents care.. is by making sure our tummies are full. dad gets tired a lot more than before now; caught him dozing off while he was watching the news.
you know the feeling when it suddenly feels like life is worth living and it isn't so bad? yeah i got it when i tasted the smoky, flavourful-ness of a stick of satay.
goes back to the point about becoming more materialistic and carnal. i'm not sure if i've become more materialistic, but i know that:
1. it would be nice to be able to update my wardrobe to proper office clothes so that i can have my head held high;
2. it would be FREAKING AWESOME if i could pay for weekend ballet classes, and swim lessons (have moved plans for the latter forward because of the unexpected immobility and restrictions i now face);
3. it would be nice if i could head for a movie in the theatres instead of carefully choosing them based on trailers and reviews, or not have to worry about prices which differ only by a few cents eg. toiletries;
4. i would feel A LOT more secure if i actually had the means to discuss and come up with some investment and savings plan and have someone manage my financial portfolio (if i actually have the money, to begin with);
5. being able to be "saving up for a trip" because it's actually feasible and possible to do so;
6. being able to not be cheapsake;
7. go cafe hopping.
the carnal bit.. i've realised why people say that food is comfort.. it's because we are sensual/sensory beings. although you could be super disappointed when your favourite food has been sold out, or the stall/shop isn't open that day.
i haven't blogged for a long time, and i think i feel somewhat better now. all this writing, just to post a quote.
"別放棄夢想，奇蹟每天都在上演。"
so yea.. note to self: hang on to your dreams a little longer, you never know what the future holds. sidenote: being a poor writer/poet/musician isn't as romantic as it sounds on paper. man can't live by dreams alone, but neither can he live by and for bread alone.