Fanfic: Made For You (8/?)
Title: Made For You (8/?)
Author: elpmas03
Rating: NC17 (for previous and future chapters)
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Summary: Things are coming to a close, folks and it’s time for some decision making. I don’t want to give anything away, so read on! Sorry for any mistakes, I wrote this one kind of quickly.
Callie
Ever have one of those moments where you walk into a room and everything becomes dead silent; one of those moments in middle school where you stroll into the cafeteria and notice the table of “popular girls” suddenly stop talking…because they’re talking about you? Well…this is exactly one of those moments. But the part that scares me the most is that when I do enter the apartment, the glare I get as a greeting feels like it’s burning a hole in my chest; it’s ten times worse than the looks from high school and that cruel moment ended in me crying my sorrows away in the girls’ bathroom.
“Callie,” Arizona gasps in shock as I enter the apartment and remain completely motionless; it feels like my body is frozen and I can’t seem to remember how to put words together.
I watch as her eyes shift from my awkward body to the woman next to her who hasn’t looked away from me since I entered the room. I can tell she knows about us.
‘Come on, Callie…speak!’
“I, uh…I’m sorry…I’ll go,” I mutter and turn towards the door.
“No.”
Just as I start to shuffle awkwardly out of the room, Caitlin’s voice stops me dead in my tracks and I slowly spin around to face them again. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m probably about to get slapped in the face, I would be unbelievably amused by the look on Arizona’s face-her eyes are wide in horror, she’s biting her lower lip almost to the point where it’s bleeding, and her chest is rising and falling rapidly. Arizona does not like confrontation. Caitlin stands up slowly from the couch, keeping eye contact with me the entire time and taking a few confident steps forward.
“I need to say something,” she tells me when we’re finally a few feet away.
She’s only maybe an inch taller than Arizona, skinny, not very muscular…I could take her. I take a deep breath and straighten my posture, preparing to give her the old right hook any moment now. But…if looks could kill…
“I know I don’t know you very well, Callie…other than, of course the usual hospital gossip…and I know you don’t know me, but…I’m not a cheater. And I don’t tolerate cheating…it’s beyond me how someone could take a person away from someone else,” she pauses and I gulp audibly. “But what I don’t get more than anything is how someone who has been cheated on can be that other person.”
“Caitlin-“
“And what I really don’t get…” she closes her eyes to calm herself and completely ignores my interruption. “…is how you could’ve ever let her go.”
I can feel my fighting spirit depleting with every word she says. I glance over at Arizona who isn’t even able to watch what’s happening anymore-she’s staring at the wall beside us and fidgeting with the bottom of her jeans.
“Because you did let her go,” Caitlin continues, cocking her head to the side to make my eyes focus on her again. “You hurt her and you let her go and I happen to know you know what that feels like too…to be walked away from-“
“It’s not the same thing,” I snap, feeling the anger in me boil over just to hear her talk like she knows me.
“Really. It’s not?” she almost laughs the question. “You cheated on her and you walked away…physically and emotionally and I would never do that. So, for once maybe you should think about someone other than yourself and let her be happy.”
I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted to hit someone more in my life. It’s not even because of the way she’s talking to me or ordering me to leave…it’s because she’s right and we all know it.
“Callie,” Arizona’s shy voice breaks the staring contest between Caitlin and I.
I watch her lift herself up from the couch and take a few timid steps toward the two of us, stopping just behind Caitlin. I know Caitlin is watching me with pure hatred when I give Arizona a pleading look, begging her to make this stop and to just pick me. But…that would be too easy, now wouldn’t it?
“You should go,” she finally whispers, her voice shaking a little.
I see Caitlin inhale in relief out of the corner of my eye and suddenly everything seems to be crashing around me again.
*****************************************************************
“Wow…so you didn’t knock her out?” Mark asks as soon as I finish telling him what happened the night before.
I don’t even respond to his stupid joke; I’m too tired to speak or feel anything.
“Oh, come on, it was a joke,” he laughs, elbowing me in the arm; his face changes when he sees the tears starting to form in my eyes.
I feel his arm wrap around my shoulders and pull me into him so I can rest my head on his own shoulder.
“I’m so tired,” I whisper, feeling my eyes close involuntarily.
“I know,” he replies, stretching his legs out on the on-call room floor we’re sitting on. “You can’t give up though…tell her how you feel.”
“Hmph,” I snort and pull my head off of his arm and lean it back against the wall. “I’ve already tried that and it’s clearly not working for me.”
He shrugs his shoulders and lifts himself from the floor when his pager beeps.
“Make her hear you, then,” he says simply before leaving the room.
**********************************************************************
Arizona
It was a long night, to say the least. One full of tears, arguments, and apologies, but in the end it was what I needed. I can tell how much Caitlin cares about me and wants to be with me-she would never forgive someone that easily for cheating if she didn’t feel so strong. Not to say that she forgave me, exactly, but…it’s a start. It took a few hours of compromising, but eventually we agreed to take a break for a bit…at least, long enough for me to figure all of this out. I still don’t know what I want and it would’ve made everything so much easier if she ha d just given up and walked away. Not only do I still have a decision to make, but seeing the way she stood up for me and fought only deepens my feelings for her. I’m not saying they’re as strong as what I feel for Callie, but nothing ever could be-what’s tearing me apart is this knot in the pit of my stomach that if I do choose Callie, what’s to say this all doesn’t happen again? Being with Caitlin, I feel that security because she hasn’t done anything to prove me wrong. And with Callie…I don’t know if I can say the same.
I feel like a zombie, walking the halls of the hospital without really knowing where I’m going. I’m bumping into people, forgetting charts and patient information, and finding it harder to focus as the day progresses. I don’t even notice the hand that reaches out and pulls me into an on-call room by my elbow.
“What the-“ my squeaky voice is cut off when I see Callie close the door behind us both and stand in front of it. “Callie, what are you-“
“Tell me you don’t love me,” she blurts out, taking a few steps forward.
“What?” I exhale and wait for her to continue.
“I need you to tell me you don’t love me,” she says a little more forcefully this time. “Because I know this isn’t going to end the way I want it to and if you tell me you don’t love me…if you tell me you don’t need me or want me, I think I could take that…I can take you leaving, knowing that it was because you didn’t love me, but I can’t get through it if you choose her because you’re head tells you to…because of what I did.”
She’s already letting the tears stream down her face as she begs me to give her this.
“I can’t do that,” I choke out and watch her head snap up.
She swipes away a few tears angrily and sniffs; her face changes from one of pity and sorrow to frustration and annoyance.
“Why not?”
“Because I’d be lying!” I yell, feeling my own anger increasing rapidly.
“Then why the hell can’t you just choose me?” she yells back, takes a few more steps forward, and briefly lifts her hands in frustration. “Is it because I wouldn’t let you in when my dad died?”
“No, it’s-“
“Or because I cheated?”
“No, I just-“
“Then what is it?”
“I’m scared!” I yell and leave my mouth hanging open for a few stuttering seconds while I shrug my shoulders in defeat. “Yes, you cheated and yes, you left me, but more than anything…I’m just scared that choosing to be with you means choosing to put myself through all of that all over again. How do I know, Callie? How do I know that the next time there’s a crisis you won’t go running to sleep with Mark or another random person?”
“I wouldn’t do that,” she responds sheepishly.
“And how do I know that?” I ask again. “Please…just…give me something to make me believe that you’re the right decision.”
I know she wasn’t expecting me to ask her for this and she looks completely caught off guard at my question. I can see her hands shaking while she bites her lip to hold back the tears. I let out a puff of frustrated air and shake my head before walking toward the door.
“No,” she whimpers, reaching out and grabbing my arm.
She pushes me backward the rest of the distance to the door and within seconds our lips are crashing together. For a moment I let myself soak it all in-the feel of her lips against mine, our bodies pressed gently together, and the desire building somewhere deep in the core of my being. But it doesn’t take long for me to object and push her away.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers and brushes her lips with a finger to wipe away my lip gloss. “I just…I can’t promise you that this is the right choice. I can’t stand here and lie and say that I think choosing me is the most logical, plausible…smart decision. I don’t know what will happen with us…I don’t know what problems we will come across in the future, but I want to figure out with you.”
She reaches out and cups my cheek, running her thumb along my bottom lip as I watch another stray tear makes it way down her face.
“I want to be the one you grow old with and have babies with and build a life with and…I know it won’t be easy. I can tell you it won’t be easy and if you choose Caitlin, it will. It will be simple and easy and clear. And if you want that…if you want to go on without feeling the way you do when I walk by you or kiss you or tell you I love you…then be with her. Be happy with her…I think I could take it as long as I know you’re happy,” she pauses to catch her breath and steady her voice. “But for you and I, it will be hard and frustrating…and it’ll also be the way you dream about living your life with someone.”
I can’t take my eyes away from her right now; the way she tells me all of this with such conviction and certainty is more than I ever expected from her. I know she’s right-a life with Caitlin would be easy and safe, but with Callie…it will always feel new. It will always feel like I’m seeing her for the first time and nothing will ever be certain. And that scares the hell out of me.
“I want you to choose who will make you happy,” she whispers and squeezes my hand gently. “And if that’s not me, then…it’s okay.”
As soon as she’s done talking, she wipes away a few more tears and spins to the door, leaving me with the echo of my sobs in the empty room.
***************************************************************************
“Hey,” a soft voice breaks my concentration on the floor of the attending locker room.
I quickly look away to wipe the lone tear away and look up to see Caitlin smiling shyly at me from the door. She takes a few steps into the room and closes the door behind her before taking a seat on the bench beside me. My body is propped up by my hands that are gripping the wooden bench and my feet her swaying back and forth like a little kid.
“I just wanted to see if you wanted to grab a drink or something,” she says after we sit in awkward silence for a few minutes.
“I don’t know,” I whisper, my voice cracking with the built up emotion I’ve been feeling the past few days.
She nods to let me know she understands and without warning stands up and looks down at me.
“I know this is hard, but…I can make you happy. I will make you happy,” she says simply, bringing her hand down to tuck a stray curl behind my ear. “If you change your mind…I’ll be at Joe’s.”
I wipe my nose and sniff a few times before nodding in acknowledgement that I heard her. She gives me one last smile and whispers that she loves me before walking out of the room. As soon as the door closes I find myself sobbing into my hands, trying to make all the pain stop.
An hour passes before I finally am able to catch my breath and find the strength to do this. I grab my jacket and purse and sprint out of the room. I know what I want and nothing is going to stop me anymore-not my head or my heart or my fears or the thoughts of security.
I finally get there a few moments later and search for her. I feel my breath catch in my throat and my heart start pounding in my chest when I finally see her. I take a deep breath and feel the hot tears already starting to build up in my eyes. It takes me a few seconds to steady myself before I speak.
“Am I too late?”