(no subject)
It's been over a year. I just need to get some stuff off my chest.
I can't sleep. My back keeps me up. I sleep for an hour at a time. This effects my mood, my attitude, and my self image. There is something wrong with the middle of my chest. It hurts bad. The doctors don't know what it is. The one doctor says it is an expanding rib cage and it happens often in later teens/early adults. Bull. This sleep thing has been going on for the last 2 years. I am confident that I used to be a different person.
A good friend of mine has cancer but refuses to get it taken care of. She has some kind of melanoma but "doesn't want to fight it" the rest of her life. Well it is her life. I said many things to her and even broke down and started saying bad things. That of course didn't work. So now I don't have that close friend that I shoot the shit with because we don't talk she doesn't want anything to do with me...and she will be dying sometime in the future...great.
I'm stuck at home. I don't have the money to move out...it doesn't make sense to move out either. I'll be leaving for a ship in a month. When I get back I plan on staying around if these jobs that I have been promised (church pianist, whitehall accompanist, etc) pan out. If not I'm going to see the world for awhile...in which case getting an apartment doesn't make sense because I'll only be home for a month or two.
However shit like today makes me hate it here. I know I have it good. I know I'm a lazy slob...but when I get inspired...which doesn't happen often anymore, I work hard to keep that inspiration...and it really really sucks when I'm not allowed to work on that inspiration. My mom has her home office right next door to the music room and today she told me...turn off the music, stop whistling, stop playing...I'm working. Fuck that. It's a holiday and it was 7:30. You want to work go somewhere else. I can't pick up my piano and move it. I wasn't even playing loud. In fact it was very quiet and I had to strain to hear it. Even that was too much. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I had plans tonight I was either going for a bike ride or to see Vaughn's big band but I'm so put out I don't want to do anything. I'm pissed and sad and lonely.
This place is so negative. It's just the little remarks my mom drops that kill me. Why don't you get up earlier then maybe you can actually get something done? Because I can't sleep. I try so hard to get stuff done because that was what this summer was supposed to be about..and now I'm leaving with very little to show for it. Don't get me wrong I made enough money for the summer...more than I would working $10/hr 40 hours a week but many of my goals such as learning new tunes, learning some software programs, getting organized, etc have gone unnoticed or undone.
This has been my most successful summer as a musician but this place makes it feel like I'm a loser who can't play the piano and chose a job that will require support for the rest of my life.
I get the whole hard ball thing. My mom likes it a lot. She thinks it makes me work and pushes me to be better but it doesn't. It's uninspiring and destroys any resolve I have created to get anything done.
I want to do good. I want to "do my chores" clean up after myself, finish all of the goals I have set for the summer but it's so hard for me to motivate myself. I sit down in this chair and hear, stop whistling, and that's it. I stop whistling and somehow watch the hours slide by until it's finally 2 in the morning and I can catch 8 hours of sleep 1 hour at a time.
I'm depressed lonely and tired of this bull shit. For me it's hard enough to motivate myself. I wish where I lived was a little easier to do finish my goals when that motivation comes...and I wish my friend wasn't so fucking stupid.
It's one thing to start doing something but a lot of times it takes encouragement to get it done...or at least acknowledgment. I don't get that from my mom and that sucks because I interact with her the most...and she is my fucking mother...I'm sorry for expecting something.
My Dad is great but he is upstairs on his computer all of the time and doesn't usually have a say in any arguments that occur.
It's just annoying. I'm not respected, talked over, and no one really cares what I'm up to.
I can't sleep. My back keeps me up. I sleep for an hour at a time. This effects my mood, my attitude, and my self image. There is something wrong with the middle of my chest. It hurts bad. The doctors don't know what it is. The one doctor says it is an expanding rib cage and it happens often in later teens/early adults. Bull. This sleep thing has been going on for the last 2 years. I am confident that I used to be a different person.
A good friend of mine has cancer but refuses to get it taken care of. She has some kind of melanoma but "doesn't want to fight it" the rest of her life. Well it is her life. I said many things to her and even broke down and started saying bad things. That of course didn't work. So now I don't have that close friend that I shoot the shit with because we don't talk she doesn't want anything to do with me...and she will be dying sometime in the future...great.
I'm stuck at home. I don't have the money to move out...it doesn't make sense to move out either. I'll be leaving for a ship in a month. When I get back I plan on staying around if these jobs that I have been promised (church pianist, whitehall accompanist, etc) pan out. If not I'm going to see the world for awhile...in which case getting an apartment doesn't make sense because I'll only be home for a month or two.
However shit like today makes me hate it here. I know I have it good. I know I'm a lazy slob...but when I get inspired...which doesn't happen often anymore, I work hard to keep that inspiration...and it really really sucks when I'm not allowed to work on that inspiration. My mom has her home office right next door to the music room and today she told me...turn off the music, stop whistling, stop playing...I'm working. Fuck that. It's a holiday and it was 7:30. You want to work go somewhere else. I can't pick up my piano and move it. I wasn't even playing loud. In fact it was very quiet and I had to strain to hear it. Even that was too much. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I had plans tonight I was either going for a bike ride or to see Vaughn's big band but I'm so put out I don't want to do anything. I'm pissed and sad and lonely.
This place is so negative. It's just the little remarks my mom drops that kill me. Why don't you get up earlier then maybe you can actually get something done? Because I can't sleep. I try so hard to get stuff done because that was what this summer was supposed to be about..and now I'm leaving with very little to show for it. Don't get me wrong I made enough money for the summer...more than I would working $10/hr 40 hours a week but many of my goals such as learning new tunes, learning some software programs, getting organized, etc have gone unnoticed or undone.
This has been my most successful summer as a musician but this place makes it feel like I'm a loser who can't play the piano and chose a job that will require support for the rest of my life.
I get the whole hard ball thing. My mom likes it a lot. She thinks it makes me work and pushes me to be better but it doesn't. It's uninspiring and destroys any resolve I have created to get anything done.
I want to do good. I want to "do my chores" clean up after myself, finish all of the goals I have set for the summer but it's so hard for me to motivate myself. I sit down in this chair and hear, stop whistling, and that's it. I stop whistling and somehow watch the hours slide by until it's finally 2 in the morning and I can catch 8 hours of sleep 1 hour at a time.
I'm depressed lonely and tired of this bull shit. For me it's hard enough to motivate myself. I wish where I lived was a little easier to do finish my goals when that motivation comes...and I wish my friend wasn't so fucking stupid.
It's one thing to start doing something but a lot of times it takes encouragement to get it done...or at least acknowledgment. I don't get that from my mom and that sucks because I interact with her the most...and she is my fucking mother...I'm sorry for expecting something.
My Dad is great but he is upstairs on his computer all of the time and doesn't usually have a say in any arguments that occur.
It's just annoying. I'm not respected, talked over, and no one really cares what I'm up to.