Random untalked about back of mind simmering pot
it's been awhile but I think It's time.
Today was an interesting day...so was yesterday...mmm yesterday. I guess you could say the day before that was too...but interesting in an analytical sense.
Will and I went to Easton with our press packets which look freakin' sweet by the way. So far we have given away about 25 and have 0 calls with maybe 2 hopefuls and several you can play for foods. Easton was a let down. Most of the places there have an agent that hires the talent to play. Like the Hilton...they hire people for the big bar they have. I know technology screws things up for musicians but I hadn't felt the effect until I heard from the manager, "Yeah we don't have anyone play on the grand during the day. It's a player piano. Hiring a musician was too expensive." That really sucks. It made me angry too. Yes they have a point and yes I could sit here and argue with him and you for quite awhile about the reasons why that doesn't work, but it wouldn't make any difference. Sigh.
I would love to hear from someone even if it's one of the art galleries that we gave our folder too trying to setup a one time gig for a new opening or something. Doesn't work like that I guess. The main thing I could come up with, if it is not possible to get gigs at restaurants, catering companies, art galleries, bars, etc...then what the hell am I doing and what am I going to do in two years? Or after Graduate school if that's the path I decide to take. Scary shit. I guess we are just beginning with our search and we have only hit up 25 places...there is supposed to be a 1% return so maybe once we hit a hundred different places we will get a call.
So Will and I headed back to his place ate some food and watched scenes from Borat. Some of it was a funny movie, other parts kind of made me angry. Usually there is a jam at school 9 on wednesday's but no one showed so Will and I played tunes but he was so down on himself. He kept forgetting the tunes or getting angry at what he was playing. It was really bringing me down too. It started pissing me off and we got kind of angry at each other. He came out and said the only reason that he plays tunes with me is because I'll bitch at him if he doesn't...which is true. But you are supposed to be playing tunes with people and I think he is one of the people at Capital who are on or above my level. I guess it really hurt because he didn't want to be there. Mostly it was because he was pissed from the day and tired from work, but it still hurt. What do you do? Stop asking him to play tunes? Then what about the music and my musical growth? You can't get better if you practice yourself and never put any of it into effect by playing with someone else. I could keep asking him but then I know he doesn't like to play so that doesn't work. I think it's good when we play because it really stretches our playing. When two harmonic instruments play together you have to adjust because they can both do the same things. Comp, walk a bass line, and solo. I'm not worried about it. If he doesn't like it then he'll just have to tell me to stop asking him to play.
I've been reading a book about this man who is dying. He was this other mans teacher in college but they got really close and they learned a lot and had deep talks about random stuff with eachother. When the guy from college grows up he finds out his teacher is dying. He didn't stay in contact with him like he promised and he didn't end up living the life that he knew was right. Basically the old man helps the young man get back on track and gain sight of the idea that money is not what matters and that you should love everybody. Sometimes I lose sight of that too. Not the money part because I'm broke...but the love part. Don't get me wrong. I love my family mother and father....but I don't show my love. It's almost like I'm ashamed of it but I shouldn't be. Maybe I don't know how to comfortablly show my love. I try to help out around the house and be a good role model for the brothers, but I always end up fighting with my mom because she can't or won't see things from a different perspective. I have no problem accepting that we see things differently but when my idea doesn't exist GRRR. I guess the point is I do love everyone in different ways. My family I love like my family and they are the only people who know how to make things alright when they are wrong because they have known me the longest and fuck...most other people don't give a shit. I love my friends because they are fun to hang out with bounce ideas off of and get away from family or school and I love random people I haven't met because I choose to believe there is good in everyone. Even the people that get on my nerves I love because they have a different viewpoint then me or because they are so full of themselves or whatever else could cause a nerve being stepped on. I love them because we are all trying to make it one way or another in this world whether it be having a wife or husband and kids, making lots of money, creating art, being happy...and it is hard as hell to make it so any love thrown my way is appreciated and I hope that any love thrown their way is appreciated.
Last few days have been fun and laid back. Hung out with a couple of old friends...had some fun...but at the same time I feel like things are pretty much the same. I'm making myself work harder for me this summer. I've practiced 3 hours each day for the past 2 days. I learned a new tune and transcribed a solo from it. I cleaned up my music room and put all my stuff from college away (big accomplishment for me) I have several gigs of random stufff...nothing weekly like I want yet though, gave some advice to a friend and it got through to him...also kicked his butt in basketball 2 out of 3 times (also a big accomplishment this cat is good) I guess my point is I don't feel like I have accomplished anything life changing,or that the goals I set for myself are happening and it's kind of depressing. It makes me work harder and think more, but I don't know. I just want to get out of this place, meet some new people, make some new friends, work on my social skills, play some music. It's not happening. I end up thinking about past problems like Amanda and her blow up or Christina and some awkwardness...instead of moving forward. I guess I want something new...like at PotBelly's it was kind of nice because we went in asked for the manager like we usually do and while we wait for the manager the girl working the counter is like, so what are you guys up to? I told her we were there to try to get a gig. She said do you want to sing for me? It was cool...it went on like that...she was flirting with me. It made me pretty happy. She was hot. The manager eventually got there and told us he would call us in a month when they needed a new musician.
I'm trying. I'm working pretty hard. Much harder then I have worked on anything else in my life. I just hope that I get a gig and that I can make things work out.
My dad is a big guy. I'm worried about him. We have these water bikes...they are boats that look like bikes...and you just pedal and go. He got them to exercise. We docked them earlier in the week and I rode around on one. He didnt' want to come out he said he has a lot of work he has to do. The next day I asked him if he wanted to go out and he said he didn't feel like it but he would go watch me (just in case I flip over or something) The point of the bikes and of me going out with him is for him to get exercise. The doctors told him his blood pressure is alarmingly high. I'm worried about him and mom too. She is short but she is a big lady. How do I get them to exercise and eat more healthy? I've talked to them...I'm trying to work with Dad...but he doesn't want to, or he just plain won't do it. (here is where my thoughts get dark...sorry) I've thought about my Grandma's death...and although her cancer had nothing to with her not exercising or eating right I still can't help but blame myself for part if not all of her death. We used to go to a gym together her the brothers and I. We eventually cancelled our membership because during the school year we just couldn't get down there enough for it to be worth while. I guess I want to try to help the people closest to me if I can so they can enjoy life and be around longer. Maybe it's part of the way i show my love, maybe it's selfish. Not being able to help my dad, or him not cooperating messes me up. What if something bad does happen based on his weight? I can't force him to exercise or eat right, but I certainly want him to and I'm trying to give him a good excuse to at least exercise. It's only been twice that we could have gone out. Hopefully the next week or so will be different.
My brother Danny was involved in an accident. He was driving into a parking lot from the main road when a lady came from a side street too fast. Her car was in front of his which ended up in her driver front door being hit in and his front left bumper being damaged. Everyone was ok. Cops weren't called. She tried to call it his fault and Dan definitely thinks it's her fault. Insurance companies won't pay for either person so we will probably end up paying damages on Dan's car. We wanted to keep the insurance out of it and just settle it but the stupid bitch called the insurance before we could even talk to her. If it meant keeping things quiet we might have even given her money because everyone knows insurance goes up when a crash is reported. Stupid stupid stupid.
It's not like my family is really really tight on moneay but we do have limited resources. Dan will be going to college. After that so will Mike so there are a lot of expenses and paying more for insurance was not one that anyone wanted to deal with. I'm worried because the van I drive is about to die. The parents want to get a newer used car for me since I work and gig quite frequently but I can't help but feel guilty about how much money we cost them.
I don't want someone to take away the worry or even the pain sometimes. I want someone to listen to me and to be my friend. I get a lot of stuff out through music, but the next best medium for me is talking and I guess people just stop listening after so much. I don't even need people to respond. I just need them to pay attention or say hi or ask me how I'm doing instead of me asking them and never end up getting a chance to tell them what I've been up to. I love to listen but I also love to be listened too. Greedy bastards :)
So in summary, I have found more of myself that I did not know I had lost. I have had a lot of chill time and work on things time but I want a change and I hope everything goes alright with my dad and with finances.
Today was an interesting day...so was yesterday...mmm yesterday. I guess you could say the day before that was too...but interesting in an analytical sense.
Will and I went to Easton with our press packets which look freakin' sweet by the way. So far we have given away about 25 and have 0 calls with maybe 2 hopefuls and several you can play for foods. Easton was a let down. Most of the places there have an agent that hires the talent to play. Like the Hilton...they hire people for the big bar they have. I know technology screws things up for musicians but I hadn't felt the effect until I heard from the manager, "Yeah we don't have anyone play on the grand during the day. It's a player piano. Hiring a musician was too expensive." That really sucks. It made me angry too. Yes they have a point and yes I could sit here and argue with him and you for quite awhile about the reasons why that doesn't work, but it wouldn't make any difference. Sigh.
I would love to hear from someone even if it's one of the art galleries that we gave our folder too trying to setup a one time gig for a new opening or something. Doesn't work like that I guess. The main thing I could come up with, if it is not possible to get gigs at restaurants, catering companies, art galleries, bars, etc...then what the hell am I doing and what am I going to do in two years? Or after Graduate school if that's the path I decide to take. Scary shit. I guess we are just beginning with our search and we have only hit up 25 places...there is supposed to be a 1% return so maybe once we hit a hundred different places we will get a call.
So Will and I headed back to his place ate some food and watched scenes from Borat. Some of it was a funny movie, other parts kind of made me angry. Usually there is a jam at school 9 on wednesday's but no one showed so Will and I played tunes but he was so down on himself. He kept forgetting the tunes or getting angry at what he was playing. It was really bringing me down too. It started pissing me off and we got kind of angry at each other. He came out and said the only reason that he plays tunes with me is because I'll bitch at him if he doesn't...which is true. But you are supposed to be playing tunes with people and I think he is one of the people at Capital who are on or above my level. I guess it really hurt because he didn't want to be there. Mostly it was because he was pissed from the day and tired from work, but it still hurt. What do you do? Stop asking him to play tunes? Then what about the music and my musical growth? You can't get better if you practice yourself and never put any of it into effect by playing with someone else. I could keep asking him but then I know he doesn't like to play so that doesn't work. I think it's good when we play because it really stretches our playing. When two harmonic instruments play together you have to adjust because they can both do the same things. Comp, walk a bass line, and solo. I'm not worried about it. If he doesn't like it then he'll just have to tell me to stop asking him to play.
I've been reading a book about this man who is dying. He was this other mans teacher in college but they got really close and they learned a lot and had deep talks about random stuff with eachother. When the guy from college grows up he finds out his teacher is dying. He didn't stay in contact with him like he promised and he didn't end up living the life that he knew was right. Basically the old man helps the young man get back on track and gain sight of the idea that money is not what matters and that you should love everybody. Sometimes I lose sight of that too. Not the money part because I'm broke...but the love part. Don't get me wrong. I love my family mother and father....but I don't show my love. It's almost like I'm ashamed of it but I shouldn't be. Maybe I don't know how to comfortablly show my love. I try to help out around the house and be a good role model for the brothers, but I always end up fighting with my mom because she can't or won't see things from a different perspective. I have no problem accepting that we see things differently but when my idea doesn't exist GRRR. I guess the point is I do love everyone in different ways. My family I love like my family and they are the only people who know how to make things alright when they are wrong because they have known me the longest and fuck...most other people don't give a shit. I love my friends because they are fun to hang out with bounce ideas off of and get away from family or school and I love random people I haven't met because I choose to believe there is good in everyone. Even the people that get on my nerves I love because they have a different viewpoint then me or because they are so full of themselves or whatever else could cause a nerve being stepped on. I love them because we are all trying to make it one way or another in this world whether it be having a wife or husband and kids, making lots of money, creating art, being happy...and it is hard as hell to make it so any love thrown my way is appreciated and I hope that any love thrown their way is appreciated.
Last few days have been fun and laid back. Hung out with a couple of old friends...had some fun...but at the same time I feel like things are pretty much the same. I'm making myself work harder for me this summer. I've practiced 3 hours each day for the past 2 days. I learned a new tune and transcribed a solo from it. I cleaned up my music room and put all my stuff from college away (big accomplishment for me) I have several gigs of random stufff...nothing weekly like I want yet though, gave some advice to a friend and it got through to him...also kicked his butt in basketball 2 out of 3 times (also a big accomplishment this cat is good) I guess my point is I don't feel like I have accomplished anything life changing,or that the goals I set for myself are happening and it's kind of depressing. It makes me work harder and think more, but I don't know. I just want to get out of this place, meet some new people, make some new friends, work on my social skills, play some music. It's not happening. I end up thinking about past problems like Amanda and her blow up or Christina and some awkwardness...instead of moving forward. I guess I want something new...like at PotBelly's it was kind of nice because we went in asked for the manager like we usually do and while we wait for the manager the girl working the counter is like, so what are you guys up to? I told her we were there to try to get a gig. She said do you want to sing for me? It was cool...it went on like that...she was flirting with me. It made me pretty happy. She was hot. The manager eventually got there and told us he would call us in a month when they needed a new musician.
I'm trying. I'm working pretty hard. Much harder then I have worked on anything else in my life. I just hope that I get a gig and that I can make things work out.
My dad is a big guy. I'm worried about him. We have these water bikes...they are boats that look like bikes...and you just pedal and go. He got them to exercise. We docked them earlier in the week and I rode around on one. He didnt' want to come out he said he has a lot of work he has to do. The next day I asked him if he wanted to go out and he said he didn't feel like it but he would go watch me (just in case I flip over or something) The point of the bikes and of me going out with him is for him to get exercise. The doctors told him his blood pressure is alarmingly high. I'm worried about him and mom too. She is short but she is a big lady. How do I get them to exercise and eat more healthy? I've talked to them...I'm trying to work with Dad...but he doesn't want to, or he just plain won't do it. (here is where my thoughts get dark...sorry) I've thought about my Grandma's death...and although her cancer had nothing to with her not exercising or eating right I still can't help but blame myself for part if not all of her death. We used to go to a gym together her the brothers and I. We eventually cancelled our membership because during the school year we just couldn't get down there enough for it to be worth while. I guess I want to try to help the people closest to me if I can so they can enjoy life and be around longer. Maybe it's part of the way i show my love, maybe it's selfish. Not being able to help my dad, or him not cooperating messes me up. What if something bad does happen based on his weight? I can't force him to exercise or eat right, but I certainly want him to and I'm trying to give him a good excuse to at least exercise. It's only been twice that we could have gone out. Hopefully the next week or so will be different.
My brother Danny was involved in an accident. He was driving into a parking lot from the main road when a lady came from a side street too fast. Her car was in front of his which ended up in her driver front door being hit in and his front left bumper being damaged. Everyone was ok. Cops weren't called. She tried to call it his fault and Dan definitely thinks it's her fault. Insurance companies won't pay for either person so we will probably end up paying damages on Dan's car. We wanted to keep the insurance out of it and just settle it but the stupid bitch called the insurance before we could even talk to her. If it meant keeping things quiet we might have even given her money because everyone knows insurance goes up when a crash is reported. Stupid stupid stupid.
It's not like my family is really really tight on moneay but we do have limited resources. Dan will be going to college. After that so will Mike so there are a lot of expenses and paying more for insurance was not one that anyone wanted to deal with. I'm worried because the van I drive is about to die. The parents want to get a newer used car for me since I work and gig quite frequently but I can't help but feel guilty about how much money we cost them.
I don't want someone to take away the worry or even the pain sometimes. I want someone to listen to me and to be my friend. I get a lot of stuff out through music, but the next best medium for me is talking and I guess people just stop listening after so much. I don't even need people to respond. I just need them to pay attention or say hi or ask me how I'm doing instead of me asking them and never end up getting a chance to tell them what I've been up to. I love to listen but I also love to be listened too. Greedy bastards :)
So in summary, I have found more of myself that I did not know I had lost. I have had a lot of chill time and work on things time but I want a change and I hope everything goes alright with my dad and with finances.