Fic: If I Had A Wish I Could Wish For You- Silent Witness {1/1}
Title: If I Had A Wish I Could Wish For You
Fandom: Silent Witness
Rating: K
Summary: She had been determined that she would cope with it all. Harry had warned her. As it turned out, he was right. And there's nothing that she can do about it.
A/N: My version of how they could have written in Emilia's pregnancy!
Title comes from the John Denver song 'Sunshine on my Shoulders'
Beta'd by lovepb (thanks very muchly!) and written for the Tomsharers!
If I Had A Wish I Could Wish For You
So many tears wept, so much anger shared, but you wouldn't change what you did for the world.
Of course there are regrets, of course there are feelings that you just can't shake. It's perfectly understandable, or so they say. The way they look at you… pity. They can't feel guilty though, not for the gift you gave them. Things have grown uncomfortable, as Harry warned they would. He warned you from the start how you would feel when you had to let go.
Though you could never let go, not really. You can't go around to their house anymore, when Janet comes into the office to see Leo, you make your excuses and lock yourself into the toilets for the next hour. Because you can't see him. He has your eyes.
You remember all those months ago, when you and Harry would practically scream at each other. He was only trying to look out for you, he only had your best interests at heart, and you knew that deep down, but he made you so angry. This was about something more than just you, all of your life you had only had to look out for yourself, but it was time now for some altruism. You could give Janet and Leo what they couldn't have themselves. Okay, you didn't already have your own family even though all of the guidelines and all of the doctors they saw suggested that you should, but who were you to let a few doctors stop you from doing what you wanted? Who were they to tell you how you'd feel? If was you who had suggested it in the first place for goodness sake! And you went into it knowing full well that it might not be possible to use Janet's eggs, you had known that genetically, this could get complicated.
And so you did it, you signed on the dotted line and just over a month later you were pregnant, and for a short while you were elated. Even though Harry refused to talk to you for weeks, he would always hold your hair up when you were being sick in the middle of the day, he'd always make you that mug of mint hot chocolate that he knew you were craving. It wasn't an easy pregnancy, maybe if it was then you might feel differently now. Then again, maybe you wouldn't. You fought to keep this baby inside you; you spent months in and out of hospital, hooked up to a variety of drips and machines. You gave up work after three and a half months in order to protect the life that you held within you, and you struggled through the boredom and the pain. You did it all for them.
They told you to abort him, that their happiness wasn't worth your health, that they couldn't watch you kill yourself for them. You didn't even give it a second's thought. When you said that you would do something, you did it; you had never been one to go back on your word. Harry grew angry again, he couldn't understand why you were feeling the way you did. You watched him age over the next five months, lines creeping in around his eyes.
Those eyes, those eyes which seemed to scream at you, even when he couldn't bring himself to raise his voice at your increasingly frail looking self. He'd shout at Leo though, for putting you through this, and at Janet too, you'd hear them on the other side of your side room door before one of the nurses would come and ask them to keep their voices down. You had lost count of the times over the past six years that he had managed to make you laugh even when you were at your very lowest. You hadn't realised how desperately you had needed him until now. He and Leo were the closest things you'd had to a family since your mother died, you knew that then more than ever.
The baby eventually came two months early. You blamed yourself. He had problems with his heart and was instantly whisked away to theatre, followed by his new were left alone. You never got to hold him. Janet was reluctant to let you see him; you knew that she was terrified that she wouldn't bond with the baby, that she had struggled with the fact that the baby was biologically yours and not hers just as much as you had; as you still do.
The memory of the moment you lay eyes on him, lies cemented in your mind; the sounds, the smells… the sights. He's just about the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. You know that it's perfectly rational for a mother to believe that her child is the very best in all regards, but then you're not his mother, are you? This baby is the same as all of your other friend's children. You had felt pain over the last seven months, over the last thirty five years, but nothing compared to this. But you wouldn't cry.
You wouldn't talk about it. Your counsellor was getting increasingly worried about you, about the fact that you no longer showed emotion. You couldn't risk it. However clear it was that you were hurting; it was screaming out of every pore of your body. You wouldn't breakdown, and you would not regret it.
And then you were alone, alone to deal with your thoughts, for there was only one topic that your mind was interested in.
You've been back at work for months now. On the surface your life was back to normal. Harry's keeping an eye on you, but for all intents and purposes, he thinks you're coping with it all perfectly well. It's almost as though it hadn't happened. At work you're just getting on with things, managing to find as much joy in the job as you ever did. He thinks things are fine at home as well, and in some respects they are; you have lazy nights in front of the television with a glass of wine, you'd have night's out with friends, and sometimes that would lead to taking someone, who hadn't previously been a friend, back home with you. Well, most nights end with this happening, if you're honest. You won't admit to yourself what you're trying to do, but you can't deny that sinking feeling every time that you saw that single blue line, you can't ignore that part of your brain telling you that you're never going to have a child of your own. It's now that you cry. Not for what you could have had, but for what you might never have.
Then came today, when you couldn't think of another excuse to get you out of an invitation to Leo and Janet's for a curry. Things were as uncomfortable as you'd thought they would be with Janet. You avoided eye contact, you both flinched when the baby started crying, but you tried your best. That isn't always good enough though, not when Leo brings down the baby and places him in you arms. The first time you've held him.
He thought you'd cope. You didn't. They told you it was fine, that they hadn't realised how tough it had been for you.
And you find yourself here, outside in the pouring rain, drenched through to your skin. You're wondering what had gone so wrong, asking what would make it right. You knew the answer to both of these questions.
But you wouldn't change what you did for the world. Or so you tell yourself.
Fandom: Silent Witness
Rating: K
Summary: She had been determined that she would cope with it all. Harry had warned her. As it turned out, he was right. And there's nothing that she can do about it.
A/N: My version of how they could have written in Emilia's pregnancy!
Title comes from the John Denver song 'Sunshine on my Shoulders'
Beta'd by lovepb (thanks very muchly!) and written for the Tomsharers!
If I Had A Wish I Could Wish For You
So many tears wept, so much anger shared, but you wouldn't change what you did for the world.
Of course there are regrets, of course there are feelings that you just can't shake. It's perfectly understandable, or so they say. The way they look at you… pity. They can't feel guilty though, not for the gift you gave them. Things have grown uncomfortable, as Harry warned they would. He warned you from the start how you would feel when you had to let go.
Though you could never let go, not really. You can't go around to their house anymore, when Janet comes into the office to see Leo, you make your excuses and lock yourself into the toilets for the next hour. Because you can't see him. He has your eyes.
You remember all those months ago, when you and Harry would practically scream at each other. He was only trying to look out for you, he only had your best interests at heart, and you knew that deep down, but he made you so angry. This was about something more than just you, all of your life you had only had to look out for yourself, but it was time now for some altruism. You could give Janet and Leo what they couldn't have themselves. Okay, you didn't already have your own family even though all of the guidelines and all of the doctors they saw suggested that you should, but who were you to let a few doctors stop you from doing what you wanted? Who were they to tell you how you'd feel? If was you who had suggested it in the first place for goodness sake! And you went into it knowing full well that it might not be possible to use Janet's eggs, you had known that genetically, this could get complicated.
And so you did it, you signed on the dotted line and just over a month later you were pregnant, and for a short while you were elated. Even though Harry refused to talk to you for weeks, he would always hold your hair up when you were being sick in the middle of the day, he'd always make you that mug of mint hot chocolate that he knew you were craving. It wasn't an easy pregnancy, maybe if it was then you might feel differently now. Then again, maybe you wouldn't. You fought to keep this baby inside you; you spent months in and out of hospital, hooked up to a variety of drips and machines. You gave up work after three and a half months in order to protect the life that you held within you, and you struggled through the boredom and the pain. You did it all for them.
They told you to abort him, that their happiness wasn't worth your health, that they couldn't watch you kill yourself for them. You didn't even give it a second's thought. When you said that you would do something, you did it; you had never been one to go back on your word. Harry grew angry again, he couldn't understand why you were feeling the way you did. You watched him age over the next five months, lines creeping in around his eyes.
Those eyes, those eyes which seemed to scream at you, even when he couldn't bring himself to raise his voice at your increasingly frail looking self. He'd shout at Leo though, for putting you through this, and at Janet too, you'd hear them on the other side of your side room door before one of the nurses would come and ask them to keep their voices down. You had lost count of the times over the past six years that he had managed to make you laugh even when you were at your very lowest. You hadn't realised how desperately you had needed him until now. He and Leo were the closest things you'd had to a family since your mother died, you knew that then more than ever.
The baby eventually came two months early. You blamed yourself. He had problems with his heart and was instantly whisked away to theatre, followed by his new were left alone. You never got to hold him. Janet was reluctant to let you see him; you knew that she was terrified that she wouldn't bond with the baby, that she had struggled with the fact that the baby was biologically yours and not hers just as much as you had; as you still do.
The memory of the moment you lay eyes on him, lies cemented in your mind; the sounds, the smells… the sights. He's just about the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. You know that it's perfectly rational for a mother to believe that her child is the very best in all regards, but then you're not his mother, are you? This baby is the same as all of your other friend's children. You had felt pain over the last seven months, over the last thirty five years, but nothing compared to this. But you wouldn't cry.
You wouldn't talk about it. Your counsellor was getting increasingly worried about you, about the fact that you no longer showed emotion. You couldn't risk it. However clear it was that you were hurting; it was screaming out of every pore of your body. You wouldn't breakdown, and you would not regret it.
And then you were alone, alone to deal with your thoughts, for there was only one topic that your mind was interested in.
You've been back at work for months now. On the surface your life was back to normal. Harry's keeping an eye on you, but for all intents and purposes, he thinks you're coping with it all perfectly well. It's almost as though it hadn't happened. At work you're just getting on with things, managing to find as much joy in the job as you ever did. He thinks things are fine at home as well, and in some respects they are; you have lazy nights in front of the television with a glass of wine, you'd have night's out with friends, and sometimes that would lead to taking someone, who hadn't previously been a friend, back home with you. Well, most nights end with this happening, if you're honest. You won't admit to yourself what you're trying to do, but you can't deny that sinking feeling every time that you saw that single blue line, you can't ignore that part of your brain telling you that you're never going to have a child of your own. It's now that you cry. Not for what you could have had, but for what you might never have.
Then came today, when you couldn't think of another excuse to get you out of an invitation to Leo and Janet's for a curry. Things were as uncomfortable as you'd thought they would be with Janet. You avoided eye contact, you both flinched when the baby started crying, but you tried your best. That isn't always good enough though, not when Leo brings down the baby and places him in you arms. The first time you've held him.
He thought you'd cope. You didn't. They told you it was fine, that they hadn't realised how tough it had been for you.
And you find yourself here, outside in the pouring rain, drenched through to your skin. You're wondering what had gone so wrong, asking what would make it right. You knew the answer to both of these questions.
But you wouldn't change what you did for the world. Or so you tell yourself.