By the Light of the Moon
Disclaimer: I do not own Downton Abbey.
Summary: Post 1x05. Post 1x05. The night of the Flower Show, with her feelings out in the open, Anna confronts Bates and attempts to better understand why he won't acknowledge his feelings
By the Light of the Moon-
-A Story
Anna sat with her back to the table, letting the crisp night air chill her warm skin.
She supposed she should go inside. She supposed she should get ready for bed, crawl into the warm comfort of her sheets and sleep the day away. But she stayed where she was, sitting on the bench with her back to the table; head turned to the night sky as she tempted with the possibility of getting a cold.
Though both sheets and sleep sounded far too inviting, she relished in the moment of quiet solitude. Alone, at last. With no thought or reason or responsibility to anyone. Moments like these were hard to come by when in service and Anna knew never to take them lightly.
She sighed, closing her eyes; the image of the stars still dancing before her as she let the events of the day wash over her.
The Flower Show had been a beautiful one. She looked forward to the show every year, and this year had not been a disappointment. Anna was certain she had never seen such beautiful blooms. As a young girl she had an interest in gardening. When she was six she had nearly given her mother a heart attack when she told her she wanted to be a flower girl when she was older.
Anna smiled and let out a small giggle as the memory took hold, running over her as plain as day. Of her mother dropping a large pan in the kitchen, turning on her quickly with the force of the wind and forcing Anna to promise that she would forget such silly notions at once.
“You’ll find a different source of work or none at all,” her mother had said. “A flower girl is no profession for a lady such as yourself.”
And just as suddenly Anna’s giggled died on her lips.
I’m not a lady and I don’t pretend to be.
Her own words echoed in her mind. And soon the image of stars disappeared, only to be replaced with an image of the man she had spoken them to.
Anna sighed.
How could she have been so foolish? How could she have been so silly to speak her heart? How could she have believed that doing so would give her the answer she had so desired?
Anna had always been a woman of work. It hadn’t been laziness that had got her the position of Head Housemaid. And it was greatly understood by the house staff and family that she would take Mrs. Hughes’ position; when the day came for the other woman to step-down.
And Anna prided herself in such work ethic and respect.
Work had become her pride. Her joy. And she couldn’t imagine her life without. Nor could she have imagined that such work would have brought a man such as Mr. Bates into her life.
A man she loved. And loved in such a way that she was certain life could never return to normal.
For how could it now that she knew such lightness? Such happiness? How could it when she now knew what it was like to feel her heart flutter and her breath quicken and her blood to set afire?
And all from a simple look.
Anna shuttered to think what more would do to her.
Anna may not have been a woman of experience but she was not naïve. And she knew enough to make her skin tingle and flush with heat.
But it seemed that despite all that she felt, she would gain nothing more than a kind gaze from her Mr. Bates. She silently cursed the world for giving her such a gallant and honorable man to fall in love with. For it only made her love him the more.
And it only further caused her heart to ache.
Anna let out a long sigh, allowing her shoulders to drop and tension to run from her body. Knowing it was now time to head inside, she let her eyes flutter open and adjust to the dark.
And there, standing before her, just across the courtyard was the man of her thoughts and dreams; looking at her as he did so, leaning lightly on his cane.
Anna quickly jumped to her feet; feeling as if she had been caught sneaking a pastry from Mrs. Patmore’s pantry.
“No need to get up on my account,” Mr. Bates said, smiling slightly. He motioned for her to sit again and she did so, where he quickly joined her.
“I’m surprised you haven’t gone off to bed,” Anna said quietly after a moment, unsure of what else to say. Not after today.
“I could say the same of you.”
Anna shrugged. “I just wanted a bit of fresh air, I suppose.”
“Should I leave you, then?”
“Oh no,” Anna said, silently chastising herself for being so quick to answer. “I mean-it’s quite alright.”
Mr. Bates nodded. He opened his mouth as if to speak again but then quickly closed it, chuckling quietly to himself as he shook his head.
“What is it?”
“Nothing.”
Anna nudged him slightly with her elbow. “Go’on.”
He looked at her from the side of his eye, his smile growing slightly. “I just--,” He shook his head again and turned to her fully. “I have always prided myself on being a man of words and yet when I’m around you, I always seem to be at a loss of them.”
Anna wasn’t sure if it was possible but she was certain she felt her heart rise and sink at the same time. “You go and say stuff like that and you wonder why it is that I’ve fallen in love with you,” she replied, unable to hide just the slightest bit of disappointment from her tone.
“Anna…” he sighed, ready to reply when Anna quickly stood.
“No,” she said firmly. Tired of hearing him speak for both of them. Tired of hearing him rebut her when the look on his face; the way his eyes shone, told her he wanted to do anything but that. “Mr. Bates, why did you bring me that tray when I was sick?”
He looked taken aback, surely not expecting her to ask such a question. “Pardon?”
“Why did you bring me that tray? Why do you always choose to sit by me at the table? Why is it that every time we all go into the village you and I always find ourselves trailing behind the others?”
Anna found herself without the ability to stop. It seemed that his latest show of chivalry had broken a dam within her and whether they both liked it, or not, it seemed they were about to get hit with a flood.
Mr. Bates once again tried to speak but she cut him off once more.
“Because I think you love me too,” she said, watching as his eyes widened. “And I know it is definitely not ladylike for me to make such assumptions but---.” She paused, standing a little taller; she pulled on her apron slightly and flattened it out. “Well, you already know how I feel on such matters.”
She couldn’t read the look on his face. Not certain whether he was about to laugh at her or never speak to her again. He looked---pained. “Anna, please try to understand…”
“But I can’t,” Anna interrupted, throwing her hands in the air. “You tell me to forget about you. That I’m better off without you. But you’re everywhere, Mr. Bates. For someone who wants to be left alone, you sure do an awful job of showing it.”
“Anna, you’re not being fair.”
“You’re not being fair.”
“Anna, you have to believe me when I say that you are better off without me. It is neither fair to you or me if we think otherwise.”
“That’s rubbish and you know--.”
“Would you just stop?!”
They both froze as his voice rang out across the courtyard and Anna was grateful that everyone had long since gone to bed by now; certain that they would have heard him yell else they weren’t.
So this was his temper. One he had warned her of, told her about. She supposed she should feel frightened under his dark gaze. But she wasn’t. Seeing him like this. Exposed, perhaps for the first time, finally unable to control his emotions in front of her it---it excited her.
It was a moment she hadn’t known she had been waiting for.
They continued to stare at one another, Anna refused to look anywhere but his unwavering eyes. Until slowly, the anger drained from them; replaced with a sad resignation as he slumped against the table; his demeanor small and hunched. He shook his head again, though this time it seemed to be to rid himself of something.
Though of what, Anna could not say.
“I’m sorry,” he spoke quietly, and the shame in his voice was not lost on her.
Anna sighed and slowly held out her hand to him. It seemed to get his attention, for he looked to her once more before taking it in his. Anna felt her heart flutter as he guided her to sit next to him once more; delighted to find that he didn’t relinquish his hold on her.
And, she was certain, that no matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to.
“No,” Anne said, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have--.”
“Hush.” He gave her hand a slight squeeze. “I’ll never have you apologize for speaking your mind. It’s one of the things I admire most about you.”
And despite the tense night air around them, they both smiled.
They continued to sit in silence as the both looked at their entwined hands. Anna knew she was enchanted by the look of them together and it seemed so was he.
It was everything she thought it would be, feeling his flesh against hers, and nothing like she imagined.
“I don’t think I will ever understand you,” Mr. Bates said after a moment’s peace.
“How’d’ya mean?” Anna asked, running her thumb of his knuckles.
“No matter what truth you learn of me, good or bad-well,” he brought his other hand forward, cradling hers between both of his and she was certain she had never felt such warmth. “Here you are.”
“You’ll find I’m very hard person to shake.”
His smile widened as all previous tension and anger seemed to finally leave his body. “I don’t deserve you,” he said, catching her gaze and holding it with such sincerity that it made her breath skip.
Anna swallowed a lump in her throat. Not sure what to make of such an admission. “Does that mean that---?” She couldn’t finish it. Couldn’t give herself such hope when he could take it away.
He shook his head slightly. “Perhaps in another life.” And then he was looking at her again, in such a way that he didn’t during the day. In a way that seemed only reserved for the quiet of the night.
And Anna quickly wished for the sun never to rise again.
“Perhaps…one day.” He paused, holding her hand tighter in his. “I make no promises but--.”
“It is hope,” Anna interrupted him one last time. “And I can live with such a kind.”
“I wish you wouldn’t.”
Anna smiled, nudging him once more. “We’ll have no more of that now, thank you-ya silly begger.”
Mr. Bates smiled in return, neither daring to speak again.
They simply sat, their sides pressed together. Her hand held firmly in his, as they watched the night sky. Perhaps in another time, in another life, without the walls of Downton staring down at them, she would lean her head against his shoulder. Would fully relax into his embrace. But she knew, her musings were for naught.
They could not change what they had been given.
She was not certain how long they sat together. But far too soon for her own liking, she felt Bates guiding her back inside. But, as they climbed the stairs, their hands still firmly entangled together Anna found that this---their shared secrets. A simple gesture. A hidden smile. The twinkle in his eye. The bounce in her step.
For now…it was enough.
Fin