(no subject)
I am running out of things to do while I am in this debilitated state. Not that I ever knew what to do...I am just absolutely refusing to waste my time watching things that I know are a waste of my time. Bad movies just suck you in and dont' let you escape their cliche-ed clutches. I find it so ironic that I am watching them because a) I hate them. and b) there are so many good movies I have been meaning to see. Going to school for history today was a good distraction. It did take a toll on my well-being, but it was good to have some contact with the outside world as well. I can't believe how nice everyone is, and how much they sincerely care about how I'm feeling. It was amusing, and also rather embarrassing, to have my whole class see me, rush up and ask the lovely question "Are you dying?" I think I turned bright red everytime someone pointed out that I was back in school. I need to learn how to deal with attention.
I am finding my sick leave very dissatisfying. I do not like feeling useless, but unfortunately I am finding that is all I can feel while I have mono. I wish I could do some art, or music, or pretty much anything. I wish I could motivate myself to those things because I feel like it would be so satisfying. I always complain that I don't have time to explore my passions, but when I have the time I never do them. I just don't know how to start.
Speaking of dissatisfying, I finished Invisible Man today. For whatever reason I feel like I didn't grasp half of the symbols and lessons brought up in that book. I realized today that I get frustrated when I don't truly understand something completely perfectly. I need to know how to phrase it so I have the ability to explain it to somebody else. Maybe it is I need to understand it enough to compare it to my life? I just didn't get there. I definitely didn't pay enough attention when I was reading. I might just blame the mono. I did enjoy the prologue and epilogue immensely. I found it interesting, if not obvious, that contradictions are what make us human. Throughout history people have strived for conformity, but through conformity comes corruption. Everyone is ambivalent, there can be no right answer, no correct view of the world or ourselves. It is exactly like when people expect you to be certain about everything in your life. You must make decisions and be completely comfortable with them. Obviously everyone second guesses these decisions, but we are taught that we shouldn't. Everyone is conforming to this idea that being decisive will get you ahead in life. But from my experience it is making people more miserable.
So now it is time for me to apologize for this very long and rambling internal monologue. I guess that is what a journal is. I'm still grappling with the "live" part. It makes me uneasy. I promise I won't bring that up again.
I am finding my sick leave very dissatisfying. I do not like feeling useless, but unfortunately I am finding that is all I can feel while I have mono. I wish I could do some art, or music, or pretty much anything. I wish I could motivate myself to those things because I feel like it would be so satisfying. I always complain that I don't have time to explore my passions, but when I have the time I never do them. I just don't know how to start.
Speaking of dissatisfying, I finished Invisible Man today. For whatever reason I feel like I didn't grasp half of the symbols and lessons brought up in that book. I realized today that I get frustrated when I don't truly understand something completely perfectly. I need to know how to phrase it so I have the ability to explain it to somebody else. Maybe it is I need to understand it enough to compare it to my life? I just didn't get there. I definitely didn't pay enough attention when I was reading. I might just blame the mono. I did enjoy the prologue and epilogue immensely. I found it interesting, if not obvious, that contradictions are what make us human. Throughout history people have strived for conformity, but through conformity comes corruption. Everyone is ambivalent, there can be no right answer, no correct view of the world or ourselves. It is exactly like when people expect you to be certain about everything in your life. You must make decisions and be completely comfortable with them. Obviously everyone second guesses these decisions, but we are taught that we shouldn't. Everyone is conforming to this idea that being decisive will get you ahead in life. But from my experience it is making people more miserable.
So now it is time for me to apologize for this very long and rambling internal monologue. I guess that is what a journal is. I'm still grappling with the "live" part. It makes me uneasy. I promise I won't bring that up again.