living by the hour, i stop for every flower.
I'm wearing a mustard yellow night gown and I just came in from sitting on my Porch. I was writing in my notebook and watching the cars drive by and crying and thinking and just fucking being sad. Why is it that when I'm Downriver I get this rush of sadness over me that I just can't shake? I believe it's all of the familiar places and or faces I see. Every inch of my home reminds me of days I spent as a teenager crying over angst or being with the one that kept me happy. My home reminds me of days when I'd sit on the Internet for hours crying over things he had written to spite me, hurt me, or things he had done thinking I would have never known. I came in my house today and went straight to my computer and logged into my old live journals and read posts that made my heart fall straight to my butt. Was I seriously that happy? and was I seriously that sad? Looking back at it now I wonder if I should have just let it go the first time I said goodbye to him. If I would have just done that, he would only be a memory to me now. "Oh, I knew him, I dated him for a month when I was 16 years old." Those damn eyes and those fucking words never ever gave me a chance to let him go. Now, I'm stuck with my constant reminder of him, I can't even write a thing in any journal of mine without something being said about him and our love. I wonder if he will continue to ruin my chances at happiness without even knowing it. When I think of the happiest time in my life, I think about red light kisses and sitting next to my boy in my car watching him pat his chest to the beat of some song. When I think about happiness, I think about his voice and the way I felt every single time he spoke or said 'I love you.' There isn't one god damn boy I could think about spending my days with. I wonder every single day how he could have replaced me so easily? I wonder how he can forget about every good thing we have done and felt, how he can forget that we promised each other that we'd die loving each other. I wonder how he can tell her he loves her and wake up next to her every morning when I can't even think about kissing another boy.
I'm listening to Jet To Brazil 'Sweet Avenue' and I'm sobbing so much that my nightgown is getting soaked. I just want to go back to when we were 16 and start over and relive every single love scene. I want to feel that feeling of being whole again. I want to feel you and let you know how beautiful you are. I want to stop playing the role of 'tough bitch rene.' and just be completely happy again. Fuck me for being so fucking pathetic.
cinderblockrain
"I'd say there wasn't anything I'd want nor had to bring. Nothing, but you. The only thing to sustain me. The only thing to get me through. You wont lose anything, beautiful. Unless you choose to. I'm yours forever. Forever."