(no subject)
i am so filled up with emotion. i am about to burst. everyone. stop biting your nails. you fat fuck. ellen dont be so rude. bruised, bruised, bruised. stop fighting him. stop fighting everyone. my head has been taking it all in for way too long. i need to let this go. i need to let him go. i need to let everything go. just let it all go. and when exactly did i become to self concious? life. life. life. lets pray this is pms. but its not. its been around for awhile. i want to wait for him to get home before we eat, or do you want to wait untill you've got the perfect buzz to be able to sit down and have the perfectly fake fucking cocked convorsation. and relationship. and family. alcohol. horrible things. " i told ellen to.." " shut the hell up i tld you i would do it, i'll do it i started it so shutup and mind your own business before you go and tell on me" " just take care of it el, okay? "
pause. fake dinner time.
its weird. when you realize that you are in habits, that you've been in for years. its weird the first time you rellize it. like just now.
i realized that everytime my family sits down to eat, i am always the first one to get up from the table and i always go right to the bathroom. sometimes for a purpose..but sometimes i just go there i think to allow them to talk about me as much as possible. so i dont have to hear it. and i have to pee. life. funny. life is weird. i need to move on. i really need to move on. haha i tricked you. you think i've already moved on. i'm a trickster. little do you know, i am far from..moved..on. it's easier like this for me. i dont feel good. job. car. job = car. i need a job. i hate cranberry juice. and swallowing pills without water. and bloody noses. i hate bloody noses. and stiff necks. in 3rd grade i got such a bad stiff neck i had to stay home from school. that's so weird to me. i dont..understand how its possible? but i couldnt even move my neck. i must have slept very uncomfortably one night. i wish it was summer time. and i was walking somewhere with flip flops, and people and it was hot and i had a skirt on and i didnt have to go home at any time and it was windy and i was happy. and life was good. and school was non existant. and the snow was gone. and bitches were dead. newport. i wish i was walking around newport right now. during the summertime. even though when i'm talking about this and thinking about it in my head i picture myself in misquamiquit. but it doesnt seem..summery enough for me? and i keep thinking about the time..me and mackenzie were in 7th grade. going into 8th and we lied to boys..eric and derek? kerry tanners friends, and told them we were 16. when were were actually 13 and we thought we were so cool. idk how we got away with that. well we didnt, we came home and her mom freaked out. but we had balls. and those boys were afully retarded thinking 13 year old girls were 16. my childhood was fun. my childhood is over. that's odd. and i'm going to be 18 this year. ah. ah ah. i'm going to be a senior. i dont want to be a senior. i mean i dont want to be in chariho anymore. i just want it to end. i dont want to have to say goodbye. and get sad, and go through all the senior business. that scares me. i just want it to be over with. i bet next year i'll be numb to it all. and pretend like its not happening just to make it easier for myself. i'm dumb. i wonder if in 4 more years if i will remember my 8th grade memories as vivdly as i remember them now, or if i will ahve forgetten about them like i've forgetten about many of my 4th grdae memories and only remember my highschool times. i hope not, i wish my head was like a photoalbum. i wish i had taken more pictures throughout the past..5 years. that would've been a good plan. me lauren abby and mackenzie were looknig at mackeznies pictures last week and the fact that we were reflecting on pictures from..6th grdae, and 7th grade is weird. 7th grdae was yesterday. i dont want to grow up. but i dont want to be young. i want to skip all the hard stuff. ellen shut up life is hard. it will never not be hard stuff. boy oh boy. i would like to know what happens when we die. what happens. i dont understand it, and i never have. when i was little i used to cry myself to sleep thinking so hard about what was going to happen to all my family when they died. would i ever see them again? what happens? does it just end? and thats it? you get one chance at changing the world as you know it, and then you're done. if you dont make a major impact in the world, i feel like you're forgotten eventually. i mean no one ever talks about my great aunts grandmas sister? who the fuck were they? obviously they were once existant. and important to some people, and missed when they died, but after a few generations..it's like they never lived. i dont want that. i want to make a huge difference in the world. but so does everyone else i guess. even if you just make a difference in one persons life, i feel like that doesnt matter. not not matter. but it just isnt..worth anything in the end. yeah, great if i make my husband happy, or my kids happy, but what about my kids kids kids? what do they know about me? they'll never come visit my grave. i'll be dead. i most likely wont even be talked about. i dont remember the last time my great grandmother was talked about? i dont even know who my great grandmother is? i dont even remember the last time my grandmother was talked about. or my grandfather. once there dead, its a sensative subject for everyone, and talked about as little as possible to avoid awkwardness. i dont like that.
pause. fake dinner time.
its weird. when you realize that you are in habits, that you've been in for years. its weird the first time you rellize it. like just now.
i realized that everytime my family sits down to eat, i am always the first one to get up from the table and i always go right to the bathroom. sometimes for a purpose..but sometimes i just go there i think to allow them to talk about me as much as possible. so i dont have to hear it. and i have to pee. life. funny. life is weird. i need to move on. i really need to move on. haha i tricked you. you think i've already moved on. i'm a trickster. little do you know, i am far from..moved..on. it's easier like this for me. i dont feel good. job. car. job = car. i need a job. i hate cranberry juice. and swallowing pills without water. and bloody noses. i hate bloody noses. and stiff necks. in 3rd grade i got such a bad stiff neck i had to stay home from school. that's so weird to me. i dont..understand how its possible? but i couldnt even move my neck. i must have slept very uncomfortably one night. i wish it was summer time. and i was walking somewhere with flip flops, and people and it was hot and i had a skirt on and i didnt have to go home at any time and it was windy and i was happy. and life was good. and school was non existant. and the snow was gone. and bitches were dead. newport. i wish i was walking around newport right now. during the summertime. even though when i'm talking about this and thinking about it in my head i picture myself in misquamiquit. but it doesnt seem..summery enough for me? and i keep thinking about the time..me and mackenzie were in 7th grade. going into 8th and we lied to boys..eric and derek? kerry tanners friends, and told them we were 16. when were were actually 13 and we thought we were so cool. idk how we got away with that. well we didnt, we came home and her mom freaked out. but we had balls. and those boys were afully retarded thinking 13 year old girls were 16. my childhood was fun. my childhood is over. that's odd. and i'm going to be 18 this year. ah. ah ah. i'm going to be a senior. i dont want to be a senior. i mean i dont want to be in chariho anymore. i just want it to end. i dont want to have to say goodbye. and get sad, and go through all the senior business. that scares me. i just want it to be over with. i bet next year i'll be numb to it all. and pretend like its not happening just to make it easier for myself. i'm dumb. i wonder if in 4 more years if i will remember my 8th grade memories as vivdly as i remember them now, or if i will ahve forgetten about them like i've forgetten about many of my 4th grdae memories and only remember my highschool times. i hope not, i wish my head was like a photoalbum. i wish i had taken more pictures throughout the past..5 years. that would've been a good plan. me lauren abby and mackenzie were looknig at mackeznies pictures last week and the fact that we were reflecting on pictures from..6th grdae, and 7th grade is weird. 7th grdae was yesterday. i dont want to grow up. but i dont want to be young. i want to skip all the hard stuff. ellen shut up life is hard. it will never not be hard stuff. boy oh boy. i would like to know what happens when we die. what happens. i dont understand it, and i never have. when i was little i used to cry myself to sleep thinking so hard about what was going to happen to all my family when they died. would i ever see them again? what happens? does it just end? and thats it? you get one chance at changing the world as you know it, and then you're done. if you dont make a major impact in the world, i feel like you're forgotten eventually. i mean no one ever talks about my great aunts grandmas sister? who the fuck were they? obviously they were once existant. and important to some people, and missed when they died, but after a few generations..it's like they never lived. i dont want that. i want to make a huge difference in the world. but so does everyone else i guess. even if you just make a difference in one persons life, i feel like that doesnt matter. not not matter. but it just isnt..worth anything in the end. yeah, great if i make my husband happy, or my kids happy, but what about my kids kids kids? what do they know about me? they'll never come visit my grave. i'll be dead. i most likely wont even be talked about. i dont remember the last time my great grandmother was talked about? i dont even know who my great grandmother is? i dont even remember the last time my grandmother was talked about. or my grandfather. once there dead, its a sensative subject for everyone, and talked about as little as possible to avoid awkwardness. i dont like that.