My Destiny Sucks!!!
I haven't been here for a while. My fault I kind of forgot my journal excised. Maybe I forgot that even I excised. To think how excited I was a year ago. All aspirations of getting a job, living on my own. Maybe buying a house. Or,having a great guy... the whole 9 yards of a beautiful life floating in my head. Well I'm still alive and that's a blessing. Moved from Michigan to the Chicago Suburbs in hopes of setting the world on fire. But my destiny got in the way again. I have tried, with every bone in my body. I tried to move forward, set up a great life for myself and my son. Moved out of drug infested Michigan back home,here in June of last year to rely on family and reestablish friendships and then it happened. My toxic sister and her emotional problems sunk into my life.
The pity party that I took part in. And a pity party it truly was!!! Smashing to say the least. Her Husband was seriously ill, dying of cancer. So, every day instead of putting myself first. Doing the things that I had dreamed of doing, I embarked on a endless phone conversation dealing with the trauma of someone having to deal with the death of a loved one. Dragged in...I couldn't put myself in her shoes, but having been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier and surviving it, I endured with her to feel her pain. I had been blessed to say the least. Everyday was a new call. "I'm afraid" the conversation would start..Dave's asleep he looks like he isn't going to wake up...how sweet he looks when he's sleeping...shit he's awake now...moaning...I'll call you back after I give him his medicine. She would hang up I'd cry, feeling a little depressed...Then revise myself and get started on my next task to better my life.
Two hours later...the phone would ring. I barely got started doing what I need to do. Still trying to straighten up the house after the move. I don't having a clue which direction to look for a job..disorentated...confused...in need of someone to guide me. Nobody here, nobody to help. nobody knows how desperately I need them. The phone rings, disturbing my meditation,"Dave's in an ambulance, the paramedics took him to the hospital... Jessica is going to meet me there...I think he's over medicated." Day after day, "His Blood Pressure is dangerously low", "I just want to smother him to put out his pain" or "He's not going to die...His will is strong...Dave is so strong...Dave don't leave me." My emotional becoming so painfully strong, I can't think. Oh my god where's Logan. He doesn't know anyone in this town yet. I'm worried and I can't think. He better check in soon...I'm scared.
The phone rings..."What song is it, that goes like... As long as he needs me ...or words like that. I can't find them on itune." "I'm gathering a bunch of music for me and Dave to listen to." Just another day and I can't think for myself, because that would be selfish. Lost in the plague of death. And I'm not here...I'm not sure where I am. Where is Logan, this is becoming a habit. Shit! What made me think that I could raise this little guy on my own. Shit! I need a job. Shit! This house looks a mess and I need to get it straighten up. Hell, I'll go to Patty's to see if she's ok...Phone rings. "Dave's in the hospital" I go to the hospital instead.
No time left for me. No time for my son. No time to find a job. No time to hook up with a friend. No time to clean...Shit! Shit! Shit!...Louder....SHIT!!
The pity party that I took part in. And a pity party it truly was!!! Smashing to say the least. Her Husband was seriously ill, dying of cancer. So, every day instead of putting myself first. Doing the things that I had dreamed of doing, I embarked on a endless phone conversation dealing with the trauma of someone having to deal with the death of a loved one. Dragged in...I couldn't put myself in her shoes, but having been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier and surviving it, I endured with her to feel her pain. I had been blessed to say the least. Everyday was a new call. "I'm afraid" the conversation would start..Dave's asleep he looks like he isn't going to wake up...how sweet he looks when he's sleeping...shit he's awake now...moaning...I'll call you back after I give him his medicine. She would hang up I'd cry, feeling a little depressed...Then revise myself and get started on my next task to better my life.
Two hours later...the phone would ring. I barely got started doing what I need to do. Still trying to straighten up the house after the move. I don't having a clue which direction to look for a job..disorentated...confused...in need of someone to guide me. Nobody here, nobody to help. nobody knows how desperately I need them. The phone rings, disturbing my meditation,"Dave's in an ambulance, the paramedics took him to the hospital... Jessica is going to meet me there...I think he's over medicated." Day after day, "His Blood Pressure is dangerously low", "I just want to smother him to put out his pain" or "He's not going to die...His will is strong...Dave is so strong...Dave don't leave me." My emotional becoming so painfully strong, I can't think. Oh my god where's Logan. He doesn't know anyone in this town yet. I'm worried and I can't think. He better check in soon...I'm scared.
The phone rings..."What song is it, that goes like... As long as he needs me ...or words like that. I can't find them on itune." "I'm gathering a bunch of music for me and Dave to listen to." Just another day and I can't think for myself, because that would be selfish. Lost in the plague of death. And I'm not here...I'm not sure where I am. Where is Logan, this is becoming a habit. Shit! What made me think that I could raise this little guy on my own. Shit! I need a job. Shit! This house looks a mess and I need to get it straighten up. Hell, I'll go to Patty's to see if she's ok...Phone rings. "Dave's in the hospital" I go to the hospital instead.
No time left for me. No time for my son. No time to find a job. No time to hook up with a friend. No time to clean...Shit! Shit! Shit!...Louder....SHIT!!