no more, please.
A night in the life of...
Me...
This is quite long so brace yourself, but please, please read…
Its 11.20pm and 'Alive' has just finished on TV. This movie has kept my mind at bay for over 2 hours but now it is over and quite frankly the thought of sleeping is not one I welcome. Now my own 'movie' will begin only it will be the most terrifying movie I will ever witness, one that only I shall ever see, the one my own mind creates especially for me. Oh the joy!
I lie in my room, darkness sets in and l feel a chill, with it comes an unsettling anxiousness, a feeling l’m only to familiar with. And so it begins, my nightly battle against myself. My house is in silence, everyone is sleeping, that is, except me, sleep and I don’t work so well.
11.30pm and I close my eyes hoping for some sleep, I muchly need sleep! Not even 5 minutes after I have closed my eyes I am forced to open them again by a strong feeling that someone is behind me reaching to grab me. Oh here we go again. I open my eyes and look around, in a way hoping there is someone there looking back at me but no, nobody is here, just me, me and my head. I can see this is going to be a long night.
After 5 minutes or so I decide it is time to close my eyes again, maybe this time I will fall asleep. Nope. Not this time for there is someone outside my window, but how can there be I ask myself, im on the upper floor and there is nothing but air outside my window. Still, even knowing this, I must look. I creep over to my window and peer out ever so carefully, nothing. Damn! Back to bed I go, satisfied that there is nothing outside my window, but wait, no, there IS, they just knew I was coming to check so they hid, there watching me, oh god! Now I am worried, I can feel my heart beating faster as I start to panic. This is stupid, I’m lying in my bed, alone, surrounded by people who are out to get me. I try to put all this aside and get some sleep, third time lucky right?
11.55pm, S**T! Something is trying to eat me. This is seriously freaking me out now, there is now someone behind me trying to grab me, snipers outside my window watching my every move and now something is trying to eat me! I reach over and put my bedside lamp on, phew, nothing there. Ok let’s leave the light on for a bit, might keep them away.
12.10am, ok I think they have gone, out goes the light. F**K! Back on with the light! Still there, waiting for me! My heart is racing now; I feel myself panicking like I have never panicked before. This is not a one off, so I should be used to it but my god how I panic! I hold my sheets so tightly my hands start to hurt, I can’t let go. That would not be a good idea. Eek. I need to get some sense into me, there is nothing here, you are safe, nothing wants to eat you! I tell myself this over and over again, hoping it will set in. I calm myself down before reaching over to turn the light out again. This time I will win.
12.35am, get off my bed! I don’t know who you are or where you came from but GET OFF MY BED! A lady is on my bed! She is wearing white robes but has no face. I think she is here to kill me. I am now hiding at the far side of the bed holding the sheets even tighter. Go away, please go away! She’s not real, she’s not real, she’s not real I say to myself over and over. She can’t be real, someone would know she was in the house and would make her go away. Nobody comes.
12.45am, she is still sat there. She won’t leave me alone. Its no the first time she has been here, I don’t know why she comes but she won’t leave me alone. I am pretty sure she is here to kill me with the rest of them.
1am, my eyes are closed but she is still here, as are the snipers outside my window. Something on my floor has joined them now, my hands and feet are tucked up under my sheets, they won’t get me if I hide. I’m seriously freaking out now, I am shaking from head to toe, my heart is racing and I am breaking into a cold sweat. I decide to text my friend, I hope she is still awake.
1.05am, she has replied, didn’t say much but it was enough. I’m lucky to have the friends I have got, don’t know how I would cope without there help sometimes. At least the texts between us will take my mind off the things it is creating. I know its creating them; why else would there be snipers out to get me! I mean, I’m 20, I haven’t upset anyone, I don’t think I have any enemies, I keep myself to myself and I look after those around me. Why would anyone want to get me. Why wouldn’t they. Eek.
1.15am, more texts from her, I need to keep texting her to keep me from completely freaking out. Bad thing is she can’t stay awake forever. I wish she could.
2am, still got a lady sat on my bed, snipers at the window, things on the floor and something trying to eat me. I’m still hiding under my sheets, holding them with all my strength. Still they won't go away! I suppose I really need to go to sleep. Its easier said then done. I’m scared that if I fall asleep they will be able to get me, nobody will come to my rescue and I won't wake up in the morning, or afternoon, whatever.
2.30am, ok im still trying to sleep, there still here, the lady has developed a very frightening face, almost like a wild beasts, she keeps sorta pouncing at me with her teeth showing, this is seriously scaring the crap out of me!
3.15am, 45 minutes of lady scaring the crap out of me and I don’t think I can possibly stay awake any longer, I’m exhausted! Ok one final attempt at sleeping…
Whilst I’ve been writing this (11.30pm now) the lady has been behind me the whole time, I don’t think there is anyone else here, but she definitely is, she follows me most places. I wish she would leave me alone. I want to tell my parents about all this but I know they wouldn’t understand. They didn’t understand before, they won't now. I would phone my old shrink but im not sure if I am allowed to see her any more; I stopped answering her calls and didn’t turn up to see her. I don’t know what to do any more. I’m a waste of space, I’ve lost the plot and I don’t think I am likely to find it again. Help me?
Oh, today I was called up in front of my boss at work, he told me several of the lads had noticed I was down, unenthusiastic and generally detached from what was going on around me. I wish I had the courage to show them this.
I wish I could just give up, it would be so much easier for everyone.
M
Me...
This is quite long so brace yourself, but please, please read…
Its 11.20pm and 'Alive' has just finished on TV. This movie has kept my mind at bay for over 2 hours but now it is over and quite frankly the thought of sleeping is not one I welcome. Now my own 'movie' will begin only it will be the most terrifying movie I will ever witness, one that only I shall ever see, the one my own mind creates especially for me. Oh the joy!
I lie in my room, darkness sets in and l feel a chill, with it comes an unsettling anxiousness, a feeling l’m only to familiar with. And so it begins, my nightly battle against myself. My house is in silence, everyone is sleeping, that is, except me, sleep and I don’t work so well.
11.30pm and I close my eyes hoping for some sleep, I muchly need sleep! Not even 5 minutes after I have closed my eyes I am forced to open them again by a strong feeling that someone is behind me reaching to grab me. Oh here we go again. I open my eyes and look around, in a way hoping there is someone there looking back at me but no, nobody is here, just me, me and my head. I can see this is going to be a long night.
After 5 minutes or so I decide it is time to close my eyes again, maybe this time I will fall asleep. Nope. Not this time for there is someone outside my window, but how can there be I ask myself, im on the upper floor and there is nothing but air outside my window. Still, even knowing this, I must look. I creep over to my window and peer out ever so carefully, nothing. Damn! Back to bed I go, satisfied that there is nothing outside my window, but wait, no, there IS, they just knew I was coming to check so they hid, there watching me, oh god! Now I am worried, I can feel my heart beating faster as I start to panic. This is stupid, I’m lying in my bed, alone, surrounded by people who are out to get me. I try to put all this aside and get some sleep, third time lucky right?
11.55pm, S**T! Something is trying to eat me. This is seriously freaking me out now, there is now someone behind me trying to grab me, snipers outside my window watching my every move and now something is trying to eat me! I reach over and put my bedside lamp on, phew, nothing there. Ok let’s leave the light on for a bit, might keep them away.
12.10am, ok I think they have gone, out goes the light. F**K! Back on with the light! Still there, waiting for me! My heart is racing now; I feel myself panicking like I have never panicked before. This is not a one off, so I should be used to it but my god how I panic! I hold my sheets so tightly my hands start to hurt, I can’t let go. That would not be a good idea. Eek. I need to get some sense into me, there is nothing here, you are safe, nothing wants to eat you! I tell myself this over and over again, hoping it will set in. I calm myself down before reaching over to turn the light out again. This time I will win.
12.35am, get off my bed! I don’t know who you are or where you came from but GET OFF MY BED! A lady is on my bed! She is wearing white robes but has no face. I think she is here to kill me. I am now hiding at the far side of the bed holding the sheets even tighter. Go away, please go away! She’s not real, she’s not real, she’s not real I say to myself over and over. She can’t be real, someone would know she was in the house and would make her go away. Nobody comes.
12.45am, she is still sat there. She won’t leave me alone. Its no the first time she has been here, I don’t know why she comes but she won’t leave me alone. I am pretty sure she is here to kill me with the rest of them.
1am, my eyes are closed but she is still here, as are the snipers outside my window. Something on my floor has joined them now, my hands and feet are tucked up under my sheets, they won’t get me if I hide. I’m seriously freaking out now, I am shaking from head to toe, my heart is racing and I am breaking into a cold sweat. I decide to text my friend, I hope she is still awake.
1.05am, she has replied, didn’t say much but it was enough. I’m lucky to have the friends I have got, don’t know how I would cope without there help sometimes. At least the texts between us will take my mind off the things it is creating. I know its creating them; why else would there be snipers out to get me! I mean, I’m 20, I haven’t upset anyone, I don’t think I have any enemies, I keep myself to myself and I look after those around me. Why would anyone want to get me. Why wouldn’t they. Eek.
1.15am, more texts from her, I need to keep texting her to keep me from completely freaking out. Bad thing is she can’t stay awake forever. I wish she could.
2am, still got a lady sat on my bed, snipers at the window, things on the floor and something trying to eat me. I’m still hiding under my sheets, holding them with all my strength. Still they won't go away! I suppose I really need to go to sleep. Its easier said then done. I’m scared that if I fall asleep they will be able to get me, nobody will come to my rescue and I won't wake up in the morning, or afternoon, whatever.
2.30am, ok im still trying to sleep, there still here, the lady has developed a very frightening face, almost like a wild beasts, she keeps sorta pouncing at me with her teeth showing, this is seriously scaring the crap out of me!
3.15am, 45 minutes of lady scaring the crap out of me and I don’t think I can possibly stay awake any longer, I’m exhausted! Ok one final attempt at sleeping…
Whilst I’ve been writing this (11.30pm now) the lady has been behind me the whole time, I don’t think there is anyone else here, but she definitely is, she follows me most places. I wish she would leave me alone. I want to tell my parents about all this but I know they wouldn’t understand. They didn’t understand before, they won't now. I would phone my old shrink but im not sure if I am allowed to see her any more; I stopped answering her calls and didn’t turn up to see her. I don’t know what to do any more. I’m a waste of space, I’ve lost the plot and I don’t think I am likely to find it again. Help me?
Oh, today I was called up in front of my boss at work, he told me several of the lads had noticed I was down, unenthusiastic and generally detached from what was going on around me. I wish I had the courage to show them this.
I wish I could just give up, it would be so much easier for everyone.
M