my nose is stuffy
Ummm, I feel weird.
I'm happy, but i'm not. Work has been good lately, but draining as well. I'm happy with the friends I have...but at the same time, i have this...strange feeling about them. Theres so much that goes along with this, i really dont know quite what to say. Let's just roll with it...
There are 2 things that i feel concerning the people i'm currently "friends" with: Well first of all, most of the people i consider friends are the ones Jon and i party with on the weekends. It's a whole huge group. Now theres a certain few in there whom i consider "good" or "close" friends, because we've shared secrets, trust, drama...They know some of my shit and i know some of theirs. But when i think about it, how close of friends are we really? I'm not anyones best friend anymore, and i think i'm okay with that. And some of the people i'm "close" to have such weird definitions of friendship. One girl calls everyone her best friends if they're even slightly close. I dont know....i think a lot of the way she acts stems from her age...partly. But thats just what i think. Anyway my point is, I dont really know whom i can actually call good friends out of that huge group of people. They're the people i'm with all the time, but its not like i feel any strong emotional bond to any of them anymore. I guess that kind of stuff just happens over time, but i just dont want to feel like i just have all these "surface" friends...friends who are just friends with me on the surface of my personality...no one who goes beneath the surface, and stays there with me.
Also, all these people...I was already friends with most if not all of them before Jon and i started dating. But since these are all people he partied with/hung out with in high school, i've become "closer" to them because we're all always together. Which makes me wonder...what if jon and i break up? Maybe i would still be able to party with or hang out with these people, but it'd be so different. I dont know....i guess i shouldnt even be thinking about this stuff cuz theres no point in doing that...but its just stuff i wonder about. I mean...i do have my own friends outside of Jon, but most of them that i actually talk to now are the ones from CSUF whom i dont see outside of school. It's just hard because Jon and i are always together so now we have a lot of the same friends whom we party with....so we're always gonna be connected. I dunno. I think i should stop talking about this....i dont wanna think about the possibility of us not being together anymore....
****
I really miss driving. I think that once i start driving again, things might be a lil better, friends-wise. That way i can take it upon myself to go out and see people and hang out with whomever on my own. Maybe i'm too co-dependent on Jon? I dunno if thats the right word. It's not that i'm dependent on him, but that i hate not being with him. I hate when he's not around. This cursed love which keeps me thinking about him all day long...It's nice but i dont think its healthy. I'm sure he doesnt think about me as much as i think about him. In fact, i'm positive. Maybe it's a guy thing...theyre so simple and easily pre-occupied with everything else in life...especially him...he's busy with so much else in life that he wouldnt think about me so much....Me on the other hand, i'm not nearly as busy. But once again, maybe when i start driving i can make myself busier.
I dunno....what can i say...I just love the boy, I cant get enough of him. Well...sometimes. ;) He irritates me to death sometimes but when he cracks that smile i cant help but swoon.
Fuck. I need [more of]a life.
xoxo.e.
I'm happy, but i'm not. Work has been good lately, but draining as well. I'm happy with the friends I have...but at the same time, i have this...strange feeling about them. Theres so much that goes along with this, i really dont know quite what to say. Let's just roll with it...
There are 2 things that i feel concerning the people i'm currently "friends" with: Well first of all, most of the people i consider friends are the ones Jon and i party with on the weekends. It's a whole huge group. Now theres a certain few in there whom i consider "good" or "close" friends, because we've shared secrets, trust, drama...They know some of my shit and i know some of theirs. But when i think about it, how close of friends are we really? I'm not anyones best friend anymore, and i think i'm okay with that. And some of the people i'm "close" to have such weird definitions of friendship. One girl calls everyone her best friends if they're even slightly close. I dont know....i think a lot of the way she acts stems from her age...partly. But thats just what i think. Anyway my point is, I dont really know whom i can actually call good friends out of that huge group of people. They're the people i'm with all the time, but its not like i feel any strong emotional bond to any of them anymore. I guess that kind of stuff just happens over time, but i just dont want to feel like i just have all these "surface" friends...friends who are just friends with me on the surface of my personality...no one who goes beneath the surface, and stays there with me.
Also, all these people...I was already friends with most if not all of them before Jon and i started dating. But since these are all people he partied with/hung out with in high school, i've become "closer" to them because we're all always together. Which makes me wonder...what if jon and i break up? Maybe i would still be able to party with or hang out with these people, but it'd be so different. I dont know....i guess i shouldnt even be thinking about this stuff cuz theres no point in doing that...but its just stuff i wonder about. I mean...i do have my own friends outside of Jon, but most of them that i actually talk to now are the ones from CSUF whom i dont see outside of school. It's just hard because Jon and i are always together so now we have a lot of the same friends whom we party with....so we're always gonna be connected. I dunno. I think i should stop talking about this....i dont wanna think about the possibility of us not being together anymore....
****
I really miss driving. I think that once i start driving again, things might be a lil better, friends-wise. That way i can take it upon myself to go out and see people and hang out with whomever on my own. Maybe i'm too co-dependent on Jon? I dunno if thats the right word. It's not that i'm dependent on him, but that i hate not being with him. I hate when he's not around. This cursed love which keeps me thinking about him all day long...It's nice but i dont think its healthy. I'm sure he doesnt think about me as much as i think about him. In fact, i'm positive. Maybe it's a guy thing...theyre so simple and easily pre-occupied with everything else in life...especially him...he's busy with so much else in life that he wouldnt think about me so much....Me on the other hand, i'm not nearly as busy. But once again, maybe when i start driving i can make myself busier.
I dunno....what can i say...I just love the boy, I cant get enough of him. Well...sometimes. ;) He irritates me to death sometimes but when he cracks that smile i cant help but swoon.
Fuck. I need [more of]a life.
xoxo.e.