If you get to the end we will know.....
I sat talking to Berna a Turkish PhD student in the animal science department and explained life as "a book your reading, your engrossed and it is painfully exciting and all you want to do is get to the end, and then the ending is missing." At first it was a casual comment, as I thought about it more.... it is not just how my life is, but life in general!
I was born with a raw nagging ambition to do something awesome with my life. When I went to college, it obscessed me, I had diagrams of my rise to political power over my bed.... logo,s of the worlds best universities in front of my desk, trying to empassion me to continue to work hard.... at some point I prevented myself from following that path, I sabotaged myself. I didn't follow the best path to taking sciences, I just shrugged it off.... failed.... cried.... tried again.... failed.... cried.... tried again.... barely passed....cried...and now I must live with my sabotage.
I have never been happy in my situation ever. In high school, I wanted to be that success story to my peers and beat my sister, in college I felt like a failure because I was only at SUNY. I loved the campus and the people, but it did not feel right to me! I supported the college, but still could not understand why I stayed. I am thankful that I travelled to Costa Rica and am now in Turkey... perhaps that was Cobleskill's gift to me..... I believe that our actions are all connected and are provided for us to make that choice....
I had told Amaris about my comparison to her, and she was sortta dismayed. I am not sure where it comes from. Perhaps its the lack of self confidence in my own success, it needs to be gauged by someone that I respect... or, is it just plain hard competition?
In Costa Rica I was completely unhappy. Loved the culture and enjoyed Spanish classes... but.... there was something that made me desperately homesick and ANGRY. I look back at this, and I had changed who I was to befriend my peers. My peers did not want to do the type of travelling and experience the country how I wanted to, and I resented them, but more importantly resented myself for that change!
In Turkey, I began very much as myself, trying to experience the culture. I still held conversations about agriculture and my animals with people in the states, did research while I had free time, and was planning on judging next summer, running for an Agricultural Organizations national leadership team, and trying to become a liscenced judge for the American Dairy Goat Association... however, somewheres in Turkey agriculture became lost......
I am lost..... I know I still want to be "influential" to make a difference, to be compassionate, and to make change.... but, today, I don't know what the next steps are.
I read "Confessions of an Economic Hitman" by John Perkins last night, I was so engrossed that I read the book in just two sittings. I felt like I had just read my bible of revelation of world functioning.... I was so scared and terrified that sometimes I even recieved chills and in the end I felt dwarfed and shrunken in the world. Perkins worked for a Halliburton competitor and would orchistrate projects to Third world countries that would be for loans too large for the governments to repay, and inevitable ensnaring the country into the American empire of modern colonialism....the system still occuring.
I do not feel that I can consciously work for the organizations that I once thought to be my dream jobs. Perhaps maybe the United Nations is the only organization is the only major NGO that I can still possibly respect. Since the 1960' the ratio of the top wealthiest 1 percent to the lowest 30 percent has grown substantially since the World Bank, USAID and other "aid" corporations have been developed and implamented. Iran was created by the United states, Saudi Arabia was promoted and supported even in their support of Osama becuase of their support of american empire, let's not start on Latin America.... I see these trends here in Turkey, as the acceptance to the European Union would be Turkey,s entanglement into this empire. Forcing the Kurds to starvation and greater desperation becuase they are not provided jobs or education, and instead the entire family sells wares on the streets... but if everyone is selling...Who is buying? Apparently recently, drug money has been sky rocketing into the kurdish areas, becasue Afghanistan has fallen apart and the Kurds are desperate for work, so they will smuggle heroin for pay!
The questions are endless..... There is so much I want to learn and visit. I want to travel to Iran and hear the peoples stories... I want to travel Latin America and see the first hand distruction of american interests and hear the locals stories.... AFRICA... All of the Middle East.... Russia....
I sat pondering the peace corps on the couch in my Dad's house while he was working on the computer. I mentioned tha perhaps after I graduate with my masters that I would think about the peace corp... he immediately replys "you shouldn't"... at first I was pissed off and hurt (how dare he dash my dreams like that...) and he saw my reaction, and he said "Jeremy, You have so much more to offer the world then to give of yourself to one community"... a pause... he continues "go to work immediately, make a difference" I will never forget those words.....
The question remains....BUT, WHERE and HOW!!!!!???!!!!!
I was born with a raw nagging ambition to do something awesome with my life. When I went to college, it obscessed me, I had diagrams of my rise to political power over my bed.... logo,s of the worlds best universities in front of my desk, trying to empassion me to continue to work hard.... at some point I prevented myself from following that path, I sabotaged myself. I didn't follow the best path to taking sciences, I just shrugged it off.... failed.... cried.... tried again.... failed.... cried.... tried again.... barely passed....cried...and now I must live with my sabotage.
I have never been happy in my situation ever. In high school, I wanted to be that success story to my peers and beat my sister, in college I felt like a failure because I was only at SUNY. I loved the campus and the people, but it did not feel right to me! I supported the college, but still could not understand why I stayed. I am thankful that I travelled to Costa Rica and am now in Turkey... perhaps that was Cobleskill's gift to me..... I believe that our actions are all connected and are provided for us to make that choice....
I had told Amaris about my comparison to her, and she was sortta dismayed. I am not sure where it comes from. Perhaps its the lack of self confidence in my own success, it needs to be gauged by someone that I respect... or, is it just plain hard competition?
In Costa Rica I was completely unhappy. Loved the culture and enjoyed Spanish classes... but.... there was something that made me desperately homesick and ANGRY. I look back at this, and I had changed who I was to befriend my peers. My peers did not want to do the type of travelling and experience the country how I wanted to, and I resented them, but more importantly resented myself for that change!
In Turkey, I began very much as myself, trying to experience the culture. I still held conversations about agriculture and my animals with people in the states, did research while I had free time, and was planning on judging next summer, running for an Agricultural Organizations national leadership team, and trying to become a liscenced judge for the American Dairy Goat Association... however, somewheres in Turkey agriculture became lost......
I am lost..... I know I still want to be "influential" to make a difference, to be compassionate, and to make change.... but, today, I don't know what the next steps are.
I read "Confessions of an Economic Hitman" by John Perkins last night, I was so engrossed that I read the book in just two sittings. I felt like I had just read my bible of revelation of world functioning.... I was so scared and terrified that sometimes I even recieved chills and in the end I felt dwarfed and shrunken in the world. Perkins worked for a Halliburton competitor and would orchistrate projects to Third world countries that would be for loans too large for the governments to repay, and inevitable ensnaring the country into the American empire of modern colonialism....the system still occuring.
I do not feel that I can consciously work for the organizations that I once thought to be my dream jobs. Perhaps maybe the United Nations is the only organization is the only major NGO that I can still possibly respect. Since the 1960' the ratio of the top wealthiest 1 percent to the lowest 30 percent has grown substantially since the World Bank, USAID and other "aid" corporations have been developed and implamented. Iran was created by the United states, Saudi Arabia was promoted and supported even in their support of Osama becuase of their support of american empire, let's not start on Latin America.... I see these trends here in Turkey, as the acceptance to the European Union would be Turkey,s entanglement into this empire. Forcing the Kurds to starvation and greater desperation becuase they are not provided jobs or education, and instead the entire family sells wares on the streets... but if everyone is selling...Who is buying? Apparently recently, drug money has been sky rocketing into the kurdish areas, becasue Afghanistan has fallen apart and the Kurds are desperate for work, so they will smuggle heroin for pay!
The questions are endless..... There is so much I want to learn and visit. I want to travel to Iran and hear the peoples stories... I want to travel Latin America and see the first hand distruction of american interests and hear the locals stories.... AFRICA... All of the Middle East.... Russia....
I sat pondering the peace corps on the couch in my Dad's house while he was working on the computer. I mentioned tha perhaps after I graduate with my masters that I would think about the peace corp... he immediately replys "you shouldn't"... at first I was pissed off and hurt (how dare he dash my dreams like that...) and he saw my reaction, and he said "Jeremy, You have so much more to offer the world then to give of yourself to one community"... a pause... he continues "go to work immediately, make a difference" I will never forget those words.....
The question remains....BUT, WHERE and HOW!!!!!???!!!!!