its quite a long one....

[ellio84]

i just got back from eating at chilis with wei and his roomates... it wasn't bad. i was about to go to the senses fail concert at saratoga winners... but thats obvioulsy not happening now, because my mom has just asked me all about the friends im hanging out with, and wondering if they're "good kids."  she puts a label on everyone, and everything i do. what does that mean??? she hopes my grades will be good, and wondering what i do everyday and everynight.... and all these questions that are so un needed, like she doesnt trust me, and wondering what i do everynight. she makes me so angry. she makes me feel like im about 13. i think im really angry at myself. who am kidding?? of course she should be worried about me. this is the craziest year of college so far. i've done the stupidest stuff, i never would have thought anything that i've done, or that im doing it anything like me. or were i'd eventually end up. i have no idea why i feel like this. is it cuz im bored??? is it cuz im hanging out with the wrong people?? is it because im angry about my parents?? im angry about a lot. im angry that i have to write papers. im angry i was absent from my british lit class last week, cuz now i dont have the assignment for the paper thats due like tuesday, which i havent written of course, cuz i dont kno what it is, cuz i wasnt there to get it, cuz i had strep throat, that i probably caught from someone when i went to utica last weekend. that weekend wasnt even worth getting sick over. im angry that my mom is bothering me lately, and she should be. im really angry about that. shes being a mom and doing her job, and i feel like im 13. why can't i stop what im doing?? why cant i just be home for once in my life, and not go anywhere or do anything on a weekend. that seems so impossible. im already going to pennsylvania next weekend for a concert, new york city last weekend and this weekend, i went to highland, oh just for what??? nothing amazing, waste of a time...then maybe a party in the woods anyone??? my parents have no idea where i am or where i go every night/weekend.. if i were them, i'd wonder about me too. i never thought i'd become this busy little sketchy kid. but  i am. the fact is.. im not even having that much fun. i practilly go to rpi at least one weekend night and stay there... sleep??? no.. thats not happening. i cant even come home after taekwondo, always gotta frickin go somewhere. honestly, im not doing what i need to be doing. i have homework that needs to get done. i have classes i MUST go to, im scared. im honestly scared about my life. what is this that im doing.. cuz its not fun. im not having fun.  i certainly dont like my mom asking 20 questions everynight i come home. im angry my brother isnt here anymore, and when he is, nothing good gets accomplished, i wish my dad would come home, i wish i was more on track. i wish i could stop caring about people who dont deserve to be cared about. there is a lot of people out there i've wasted time and energy on. i feel selfish, and uncaring, and i dont really know how to feel about that. im really messing up. and im not happy. its not even a sadness.. or depression thing at all. its just anger. just pure, being angry. i dont constantly need an activity. i havent had any ellen re-group time this whole year. i need to sit down, and like breathe for a few days. weeks. im scared i might do something rediculous this summer. im not myself. things i've done this year i never woulda thought of doing. i did them. and more than once. i feel like i have no other options sometimes, without hurting other people in the process...
this summer.... do i want to go to the warped tour??? I mean, i say i do but when i get there.. is it going to be like hell like last year?? cuz thats honestly what i was in. hell.  idealy, i'd like to go to inside out soul festival. i want the relient k CD and i want to go to bible study on saturday nights. i want to lead a bible study and want to worship, sing and DANCE.. i love to dance and worship. its my favorite thing. i know what the truth is, and im tired of surrouding myself with people who are so judgemental and stuck on what they think is right, people who doubt. i'm not happy with where my life has gone since i got into college.
sometimes i really am having a good time. and i like the people im with, but for the most part... im afraid to walk out of house everyday, cuz if there is one moment of unsatisfaction, or some expectation that never got led up to... it makes me hate my life.
i really think my dad will come back home soon. i pray for it, and i have this feeling things will be so much more awesome than they were, cuz i kno God is just.. i just really need encouragment. i cant wait for Ualbany, and im really going to work hard for what i want.
thus, i dont want to be angry anymore. i want to be happy.