Fic: Love (part 1) - Two
Title : Love (part 1) - Two
Author : Elizabeth Yenny
Word Count : 4.132 words
Casts : Ohno Satoshi (Arashi), Yamada Hikari (originally mine)
Summary : I know you’re just forcing a smile. The faint one. Not so that I won’t be worry. But so that the trace of tears flowing on your face moments ago can be dried up at once. Tightening my grasp on the steering wheel in front of me, and then stepping on the gas pedal under my foot silently, I whisper my prayer to the far nite sky. With all my heart, I hope I can wipe it away. For you.
Please note that:
1. I’m not a native, so please bear with the bad English.. :)
2. Lyric translation is taken from yarukizero, with some modifications.
The fated meeting between the girl sitting at the seat on my left, Hikari, and me myself took place about four months ago. Not so long ago, indeed. We met by chance-by fate, perhaps-on a bench in front of a lake in the centre of the town where I usually spend my every dusk. Alone.
That night, as usual, I was eating a box of bento I’d just bought from the one and only konbini at that place. I’ve been buying it everyday for more that six months now. Well, after being dumped by my ex because of a third person, whom she described as more interesting and more loving and more everything than me, I realized that nobody will take care of me then, including my own self. So, this is how I always spend my pathetic evenings everyday: after leaving my office, I will park my beloved black car at the parking place near the lake; then I will go to konbini to buy bento-sometimes only two packs of onigiri if I don’t have much appetite-and a can of beer, I will head to my special bench, sitting there all evening, eating, enjoying the calming scenery before my eyes, sometimes until it’s getting late at night. Alone.
Perhaps, I am just not that lucky if it is about love. First, I indeed have difficulties in approaching girls since my junior school days. It’s not because I am shy or having not enough brave. It’s also not about my appearance or money, too, I suppose, which are quite above the standard, if I may say. It’s just that I often find myself lost in a maze when trying to understand them. I just can’t understand what’s going on in these complicated and perplexing creatures’ minds. In these creatures’ hearts. Maybe it’s one of the reasons why my ex left me with a smile. A very bright one, you know! As if she was very happy to be freed from a heartless man like me. But had she ever tried to understand me? That was a question left unsaid. I couldn’t ask her. Just didn’t want to hear the answer.
Second, I have never been able to survive in any kind of relations I’m in. Once I date a girl, she will leave me at no time. The longest relationship I had is only about eight and half months. And there will be always a third person between us. Whether I had chosen a wrong girl, or they had chosen the wrong man, I don’t know anymore. I just can’t follow their way of thinking. Women are so complicated!
And now, in my thirty third year of cold loneliness and hopelessness, I have run out of excuses whenever okaa-san call and ask me to visit her together with my wife and child. There was even a time when she told me that I should not go back to Mitaka without bringing her a grandchild. “Okaa-san, I even haven’t married yet, then how come I can bring you a grandchild?!” was my response. Did she compare a child with a souvenir that can be bought at the streets and brought along whenever I go back to her home? Did she think I was not even trying? Geez. What a mother! Women are really full of demand!
Two months passed and I still haven’t called her back until today. Not because I’m still irritated. I just think that it will be better if I have some good news to tell her. A presence of a nice mate will be more than enough with my current condition. But, who knows? I am still all alone without any signs of changes. It seems that the goddess of love dislikes me so much that I keep losing the pieces of my heart.
Whenever I sit down on the bench near the lake, I will pay attention to the pedestrians passing by me. On Saturday night and holiday, especially, there will be more couples spending their evening, watching the beautiful sunset together, holding hands, laughing, talking, flattering, and kissing in such a way. The other come with their friends. Or wife. Or husband. Even with their children. Well, it is sure very enviable for a sad person like me. But at that time, I still believed that such relationship was just troublesome. For me, it’s better to have only my shadow to accompany me. But, once again, it was what I thought at that time. Long before I met her.
So, my story about her continues on one Saturday night, when my peace dinner near the lake was disturbed by a presence of a young woman coming and sitting beside me. Not really next to me, though, since the bench was quite long. I was on the very right side, and she on the very left. Her white bag was put between us. “Why did she choose to sit here?” I mumbled to myself in annoyance since she should have chosen another bench near us which was clearly unoccupied. Well, I thought it would be better if I go home soon after finishing my dinner so I chewed faster.
But when I wanted to put the last chicken karaage into my mouth, I felt the bench was shaking slightly, making it fell down from my wooden chopsticks. I turned my head to that woman. It was quite dark, actually, and by the aid of park lamp above us which should have been changed, behind her long blonde hair, I saw her covering her face with both hands. She was crying.
Advice number one from okaa-san when I moved to this city was not to meddle in someone else’s problem as long as I still cannot handle my own. So, I spent the first two minutes for chewing the food in my mouth carefully, swallowing it, hoping that it would be processed quickly and absorbed perfectly since I realized that I might need extra energy because of the panic attack I got all of a sudden.
People were whispering, glaring straight at us. At me, to be more precise. Yabai! Don’t say that they thought I was the one who made this woman cry?! I had to do something to make clear this misunderstanding!
I cleared my throat. Then softly spoke to get her attention, “Etooooo...”
Hearing that, she suddenly put down her hands. Glaring at me with those reddish eyes which were still flooding. Her face was also soaked in tears. “Why don’t you tell me anything?! You know for sure that I’ve been missing you. I waited for your call. For your mail. But none ever came. I thought something bad had happened to you. But today I just realize that I’m such a fool. Wasting my time in hope of meeting a jerk like you! Didn’t you say that I am the one and only for you?! Didn’t you say that you love me?! Have you forgotten all of your words?! Your promises to me?! Why don’t you just tell me that you already have someone else? Why don’t you tell me the truth from the very beginning? Why do you have to fool me like this? Am I that worthless? Am I that stupid? Say something! Answer me! Saite..!!” She covered her face again just like before and continued crying.
I was shocked, nailed at my seat, staring at her with wide opened eyes without being able to say anything. Has she lost her mind?! Now, I was certain that all eyes were pointed at us. At me. I gulped nervously. “This-is-just-a-misunderstanding,” I said, stammering. Losing the ability to speak logically, I let any words I could think of fall down and swept away by the mild-but-tense wind. “Yes! A misunderstanding! She’s just practicing for an audition next morning. It’s a tough one, you know. Actresses nowadays are great. Don’t you agree with me? Ha-ha-ha.” After those random non-sense words, the crowd gradually dispersed. With an unsatisfied expression on each face. Some, I supposed, was irritated because they had been ‘tricked’, and the rest didn’t even believe my words. Whatever. As long as I was not being judge by the mad mob.
I sighed and stood up to take my leave. Wanna go home as quick as I could before another bad luck approaching my peaceful night. Even though it meant to leave her alone. However, after thinking for seconds, as I thought, I just couldn’t. I did not know what a gentleman would do if he saw a woman crying in front of him. The only one I knew, I should not leave her alone. In fact, I don’t wanna be all alone, too, whenever I’m feeling down.
And after her condition getting better, she apologized to me as she bowed her body over and over again. Until today, I will smile to myself whenever I remember that silly but unforgetfull night.
“You're this close to my side and yet I can't touch you
The melody that plays from the stereo now is just sad to me
I wish I could make you only mine...”
Hikari now is sitting next to me. Her brown eyes are fixed at the window on her left. A soft music coming from her cell phone inside her white bag between us breaks the silence that has wrapped our cold lips since this car moves along the road, ripping apart the bitter night wind after a heavy silent rain not long ago.
The music stops. And then starts again. Then stops. Over and over. Until it’s not making any sound anymore.
I don’t ask her who the caller was, nor why she didn’t pick it up, for I’m sure she will only start to cry again after that. Since I’m already know what the answers are. And I know, deep inside her delicate heart, she really wanted to reach that small little thing. To hear his voice. To listen to his worry. Even just for a very second. But her heart has already broken. Dying in an unbearable throbbing pain. Alone. And with all my heart, I really want to take it away with me, holding it tight in my embrace, until the pain disappears, and it is ready for a new gentle beat. But I know, I can’t.
Trying to console my own heart, I cast my mind to our second meeting: three days after the night she made me sound like a total jerk who had dumped her heartlessly. On the same place. In front of the same lake. At the same bench. Fate made us meet once again under the bless of the crescent moon.
“Sumimasen,” a soft voice from my back startled me.
I turned my head. Ah, that peculiar woman again?! I smiled and invited her to take a seat next to me. But my heart was beating so fast at that time. I wondered what kind of problems she would bring to me again at that night.
She took the same seat as before and suddenly handed me a small box wrapped by a soft red fabric. “Once again, I’m really sorry for the trouble I made. I really didn’t mean that. This is an expression of my gratitude to you,” said her as she fixed her long beautiful hair blown by the night soft wind with the other hand gently.
“You don’t have to be bothered too much about it, actually.”
“Too often eating outside is not good. Home made bento is the best, you know,” she smiled, staring at the bento pack I just bought from the konbini.
Taken aback by her familiarity, I asked her with an innocent tone, “Have we ever met before?”
“Three days ago?”
I tapped my own forehead. “No, I meant before that.”
“Aaahhh...,” she shook her head. “But I often see you. You always sit alone on this bench, eating bento you bought from that konbini. Sometimes you will sit for such a long time. Doing your works or just staring into space with a funny frown on your face. Like cow’s rippling butt!” she was burst into laugh. Before I could stop her harassing my face too far, she pointed a white tall building across the lake. “That is my apartment. I always pass by this place every time I go to and back from my office.”
I nodded to show that I understood before falling into silence for a second. So, how many office employers often passing this place have ‘known’ me too well like her? That time I realized, I might be looked very pathetic for all this time. What a poor me!
“Hikari,” she stretched her right hand to me.
I was quite surprised that she told her given name right away to a stranger like me instead of telling her family name which is more usual to do. But, never mind. She was indeed quite strange.
“Satoshi,” I smiled, shaking back her warm soft hand.
And at that time I still had no idea that my life was going to change. For the whole of its chapters. The wheel of fate was spinning.
“The moonlight shines down on you who suddenly sank into silence
Aimlessly wandering on this highway, unable to stop
I wonder since when that what was more dazzling than any landscape was you
The only thing that leads me astray is you...”
I steal a glance at her for several times. Her face is still damp and red because of her cry moment ago. The street lights fall through the car window upon her tiny body which is wrapped in a white wet thin shirt. The black jacket I gave her is lying on her lap. She hasn’t touched it. I know her mind is not here right now. She is wandering so far away that I may not be able to reach her. And it’s just so frustrating.
“Should I take you home?” I ask her in a deep low tone.
She turns her head to me. Smiling and shaking her head. Then casts her gaze back through the window. She never ‘sees’ me. And it just made me even more drowned in the unbearable emptiness.
So I just speed up the pace of my car. Even I don’t know where this highway will take us to. And I don’t really care. Because what I want is only to be with her. Even for a bit longer. Even only for tonight. I just don’t want to leave her alone.
Honestly, I myself really don’t have any idea where this feeling comes from, since our third, fourth, fifth meeting and so on was really as normal as I had expected. It never came to my mind that one day I would fell for her. Caught in a valley called love which I thought never existed. Since we only talked about him all the time. Again and again. And sometimes she would cry. Other times, pretended to be strong and cheerful as if nothing was wrong, even though I knew it so well that her eyes never lied to me. Well, once again I said that women are very complicated.
“Aaaahh...,” she sighed one evening.
“What did he do?” asked I as marking and sorting my documents that had to be presented at the next morning.
“Well, he avoided me. Again. As always.” She swung her feet which were hanging from the bench, resting them from her favorite red heels she put near the bench leg. “You know, I will try my best to understand if he really doesn’t love me anymore, even if he has already had another woman like they said. I know it will be hurt. I know it won’t be that easy. I know I will need some times to put my broken heart together. But I’ll try to accept it as it is. As long as he is happy with his life now. I’ll try to understand. I’ll give up. I’ll go. But I want to hear it from his own lips. From his own heart. Not from rumors like this. I feel like I’m losing him. Slowly. Gradually. I jut don’t understand him anymore. He feels so far away now. And I...,” she silenced.
Wondering why she didn’t continue her words, I intended to take a short glimpse at her. So, I turned my head slightly, but then I could not take off my eyes of her anymore. I was enchanted. As her hands were grasping the edge of the bench on her left and right, supporting her tiny figure, she was looking upward. Far to the night blue sky. Her moist solemn eyes dwelled on one point. Shining under the light of twinkling stars. Her red lips were sparkling in a weak smile. Her wavy hair was blown by the late spring wind. Her yellow blouse was reflecting the soft light of the lamp above us. Warm. Calming. Breathtaking. It was the most beautiful scenery I’d ever seen in my life. Where the time felt like stopped. And my ears became deaf. Dumbfounded both my ears and my heart. Making the tiny flesh in this left chest beat meaningfully. Yes. For her. A fragile creature who was trying too hard to be strong. I knew for sure, she wouldn’t last much longer if there was no one came and protected her. And with all my heart, I hope it was me. From that night, my heart has never been the same.
“Turn your heart around towards me
Don't ever go away
Because I don't want to let you go...”
She makes me feel like being needed. She needs me to listen to all her lamentations. And I need her to need me. Without ever understanding it, we need each other to survive in this aching loneliness. Yet her heart never beats for me even just once.
But I never be bothered about it. Just as her that keeps longing for the man who has dumped her, I also still yearn for her unreachable love. But I believe that fate will never be mean to those who dare to hope. It will never be in vain. And it’s just so true.
This evening, when I was about to drive my car along the usual route I pass everyday from work, drops of rains dampened the twilight. Followed by early autumn gusty wind. It was impossible to go to the lake in this kind of weather since dark clouds were getting closer. And she wouldn’t be there, too, I supposed. A slight disappointment filled my heart as I turned the steering wheel and intended to go home instead.
And maybe this was what they call fate, because when I knew that I just wouldn’t have any chance to meet her, I did meet her. Standing on the roadside, in front of an Italian restaurant often visited by wealthy businessmen. At first, I hesitated. Was it her? Perhaps it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me. But, yeah, that was her wavy blonde hair. That was her favorite white bag. And her favorite red heels. It was really her! Stunned under the gentle evening rain. Staring at a man-whose face turned out to be so familiar for me-in a black suit, leading a pregnant woman to the entrance door of the restaurant with a glowing white umbrella above them. Such a nice couple that you can find in movies.
I stopped my car across the street. Got out to have a better sight. Even though her face wasn’t showing any particular expression, even though her pale cheeks were wet in raindrops, I knew, she was hiding her cry.
I clenched my fists in a heartbreaking silence. I knew I was not supposed to interfere her problem. I knew she might be enjoying the pain itself. And it was the reason why she could still survive in hope for all this time. For she has already known the truth, but she refused to accept it. Stupid, indeed. But that feeble heart has pounded mine. Her hope and determination of love has touched me, a heartless man. Her complexity, her stubbornness. I just love all of her. Makes me want to protect her more. In my embrace, I want to bring her heart together.
“For just a little bit longer, don't say anything and follow me
My heart is crying that it wants to take you away with me...”
My body moved of its own accord. I walked across the quite street. Grasped her hand. And took her away.
“Satoshi?” she looked very surprised when she saw me.
I knew she still wanted to be there. Watching at the scenery that could possibly tear out her already bleeding heart into pieces. She was breaking to the point of didn’t know how to react. How to escape. And I needed to protect her heart. From widening cracks. From the painful ones. So this was me who stole away the princess from her prince’s arm.
She herself didn’t struggle and just followed my steps, half running. In total silence. Under the rain. She didn’t look back even just for once. Until we got into the car.
“Don't cry with those eyes, because I'll hold you close...”
“I’m not crying. I’m not crying,” she said as trying to wipe off every drop rolling down from her beautiful brown eyes. No matter how hard she tried, her cheeks would be wet again and again. And I could see resentment from her which was clearly showed by the way she shed her tears.
I know she didn’t need words of comfort. Nor any kinds of amusement. Perhaps, she also didn’t need me in the first place. So, I only started up the car and drove slowly. Letting her finish her cry until her heart was fully content. “You know, sometimes rain must fall for the seed to grow,” was the only sentence I was able to utter finally. Deep inside my heart, I was also hurt. Because I knew, it was possible for me to relieve her heart from its pain, but it’s not me whom she really wanted.
“Even if I hide away the words I want to tell you
My love would overflow...”
After crying for quite a while, forcing her lips to form a smile, and staring at the window for half an hour, now Hikari is sleeping soundly on her seat. Exhausted, perhaps, from her own sorrow. I stop my car at the roadside which is very quite tonight. Only trees and grasses and bushes are along the way. No houses or buildings I can see. Nor other vehicles passing by us. We must be out of town now. I take a look at my watch. 01.34 am. Well, at least the street lights are still working.
I sigh and turn my head to her. Her clothes might be dry now. I take the jacket on her lap and cover her upper body. And I can’t help caressing her hair in a very gentle way so that she won’t be awake. Staring at her peaceful sleeping face as if she has been relieved from all of her heart burden, I only can smile to myself. Even if it is just for a while, I really want to make her happy.
It doesn’t matter if I only become a temporary place for you to rest your broken heart. A place for you to release your pain. Your burden. Because I don’t want to see it dying. It’s okay if you want to lean on me just for a while. Really. And if I am not enough to make you happy, use me to fill even just a part of it. Only then can you remember me. To be a little bit thankful because you ever know me. And your name will stay forever here, in my heart.
Once again, I let words left unsaid.
Suddenly, her phone is ringing again. I’m sure it is from him so I pick it up.
“Hikari-chan? Where are you? Why didn’t you pick up my call earlier? Are you okay?” he sounds quite panic.
“Hikari is sleeping right now. Please call again later.”
“Oi, Satoshi! Where do you take her to?! How come you know her? Don’t-”
I press the red button on the right, then turn that thing off before putting it back to her bag. I scratch my own head in annoyance. Why should I deal with my past again? I sigh as pressing the gas pedal under my foot. Letting the path take us to somewhere faraway. Just the two of us into the faraway night.
- To be Continued -
Author : Elizabeth Yenny
Word Count : 4.132 words
Casts : Ohno Satoshi (Arashi), Yamada Hikari (originally mine)
Summary : I know you’re just forcing a smile. The faint one. Not so that I won’t be worry. But so that the trace of tears flowing on your face moments ago can be dried up at once. Tightening my grasp on the steering wheel in front of me, and then stepping on the gas pedal under my foot silently, I whisper my prayer to the far nite sky. With all my heart, I hope I can wipe it away. For you.
Please note that:
1. I’m not a native, so please bear with the bad English.. :)
2. Lyric translation is taken from yarukizero, with some modifications.
The fated meeting between the girl sitting at the seat on my left, Hikari, and me myself took place about four months ago. Not so long ago, indeed. We met by chance-by fate, perhaps-on a bench in front of a lake in the centre of the town where I usually spend my every dusk. Alone.
That night, as usual, I was eating a box of bento I’d just bought from the one and only konbini at that place. I’ve been buying it everyday for more that six months now. Well, after being dumped by my ex because of a third person, whom she described as more interesting and more loving and more everything than me, I realized that nobody will take care of me then, including my own self. So, this is how I always spend my pathetic evenings everyday: after leaving my office, I will park my beloved black car at the parking place near the lake; then I will go to konbini to buy bento-sometimes only two packs of onigiri if I don’t have much appetite-and a can of beer, I will head to my special bench, sitting there all evening, eating, enjoying the calming scenery before my eyes, sometimes until it’s getting late at night. Alone.
Perhaps, I am just not that lucky if it is about love. First, I indeed have difficulties in approaching girls since my junior school days. It’s not because I am shy or having not enough brave. It’s also not about my appearance or money, too, I suppose, which are quite above the standard, if I may say. It’s just that I often find myself lost in a maze when trying to understand them. I just can’t understand what’s going on in these complicated and perplexing creatures’ minds. In these creatures’ hearts. Maybe it’s one of the reasons why my ex left me with a smile. A very bright one, you know! As if she was very happy to be freed from a heartless man like me. But had she ever tried to understand me? That was a question left unsaid. I couldn’t ask her. Just didn’t want to hear the answer.
Second, I have never been able to survive in any kind of relations I’m in. Once I date a girl, she will leave me at no time. The longest relationship I had is only about eight and half months. And there will be always a third person between us. Whether I had chosen a wrong girl, or they had chosen the wrong man, I don’t know anymore. I just can’t follow their way of thinking. Women are so complicated!
And now, in my thirty third year of cold loneliness and hopelessness, I have run out of excuses whenever okaa-san call and ask me to visit her together with my wife and child. There was even a time when she told me that I should not go back to Mitaka without bringing her a grandchild. “Okaa-san, I even haven’t married yet, then how come I can bring you a grandchild?!” was my response. Did she compare a child with a souvenir that can be bought at the streets and brought along whenever I go back to her home? Did she think I was not even trying? Geez. What a mother! Women are really full of demand!
Two months passed and I still haven’t called her back until today. Not because I’m still irritated. I just think that it will be better if I have some good news to tell her. A presence of a nice mate will be more than enough with my current condition. But, who knows? I am still all alone without any signs of changes. It seems that the goddess of love dislikes me so much that I keep losing the pieces of my heart.
Whenever I sit down on the bench near the lake, I will pay attention to the pedestrians passing by me. On Saturday night and holiday, especially, there will be more couples spending their evening, watching the beautiful sunset together, holding hands, laughing, talking, flattering, and kissing in such a way. The other come with their friends. Or wife. Or husband. Even with their children. Well, it is sure very enviable for a sad person like me. But at that time, I still believed that such relationship was just troublesome. For me, it’s better to have only my shadow to accompany me. But, once again, it was what I thought at that time. Long before I met her.
So, my story about her continues on one Saturday night, when my peace dinner near the lake was disturbed by a presence of a young woman coming and sitting beside me. Not really next to me, though, since the bench was quite long. I was on the very right side, and she on the very left. Her white bag was put between us. “Why did she choose to sit here?” I mumbled to myself in annoyance since she should have chosen another bench near us which was clearly unoccupied. Well, I thought it would be better if I go home soon after finishing my dinner so I chewed faster.
But when I wanted to put the last chicken karaage into my mouth, I felt the bench was shaking slightly, making it fell down from my wooden chopsticks. I turned my head to that woman. It was quite dark, actually, and by the aid of park lamp above us which should have been changed, behind her long blonde hair, I saw her covering her face with both hands. She was crying.
Advice number one from okaa-san when I moved to this city was not to meddle in someone else’s problem as long as I still cannot handle my own. So, I spent the first two minutes for chewing the food in my mouth carefully, swallowing it, hoping that it would be processed quickly and absorbed perfectly since I realized that I might need extra energy because of the panic attack I got all of a sudden.
People were whispering, glaring straight at us. At me, to be more precise. Yabai! Don’t say that they thought I was the one who made this woman cry?! I had to do something to make clear this misunderstanding!
I cleared my throat. Then softly spoke to get her attention, “Etooooo...”
Hearing that, she suddenly put down her hands. Glaring at me with those reddish eyes which were still flooding. Her face was also soaked in tears. “Why don’t you tell me anything?! You know for sure that I’ve been missing you. I waited for your call. For your mail. But none ever came. I thought something bad had happened to you. But today I just realize that I’m such a fool. Wasting my time in hope of meeting a jerk like you! Didn’t you say that I am the one and only for you?! Didn’t you say that you love me?! Have you forgotten all of your words?! Your promises to me?! Why don’t you just tell me that you already have someone else? Why don’t you tell me the truth from the very beginning? Why do you have to fool me like this? Am I that worthless? Am I that stupid? Say something! Answer me! Saite..!!” She covered her face again just like before and continued crying.
I was shocked, nailed at my seat, staring at her with wide opened eyes without being able to say anything. Has she lost her mind?! Now, I was certain that all eyes were pointed at us. At me. I gulped nervously. “This-is-just-a-misunderstanding,” I said, stammering. Losing the ability to speak logically, I let any words I could think of fall down and swept away by the mild-but-tense wind. “Yes! A misunderstanding! She’s just practicing for an audition next morning. It’s a tough one, you know. Actresses nowadays are great. Don’t you agree with me? Ha-ha-ha.” After those random non-sense words, the crowd gradually dispersed. With an unsatisfied expression on each face. Some, I supposed, was irritated because they had been ‘tricked’, and the rest didn’t even believe my words. Whatever. As long as I was not being judge by the mad mob.
I sighed and stood up to take my leave. Wanna go home as quick as I could before another bad luck approaching my peaceful night. Even though it meant to leave her alone. However, after thinking for seconds, as I thought, I just couldn’t. I did not know what a gentleman would do if he saw a woman crying in front of him. The only one I knew, I should not leave her alone. In fact, I don’t wanna be all alone, too, whenever I’m feeling down.
And after her condition getting better, she apologized to me as she bowed her body over and over again. Until today, I will smile to myself whenever I remember that silly but unforgetfull night.
“You're this close to my side and yet I can't touch you
The melody that plays from the stereo now is just sad to me
I wish I could make you only mine...”
Hikari now is sitting next to me. Her brown eyes are fixed at the window on her left. A soft music coming from her cell phone inside her white bag between us breaks the silence that has wrapped our cold lips since this car moves along the road, ripping apart the bitter night wind after a heavy silent rain not long ago.
The music stops. And then starts again. Then stops. Over and over. Until it’s not making any sound anymore.
I don’t ask her who the caller was, nor why she didn’t pick it up, for I’m sure she will only start to cry again after that. Since I’m already know what the answers are. And I know, deep inside her delicate heart, she really wanted to reach that small little thing. To hear his voice. To listen to his worry. Even just for a very second. But her heart has already broken. Dying in an unbearable throbbing pain. Alone. And with all my heart, I really want to take it away with me, holding it tight in my embrace, until the pain disappears, and it is ready for a new gentle beat. But I know, I can’t.
Trying to console my own heart, I cast my mind to our second meeting: three days after the night she made me sound like a total jerk who had dumped her heartlessly. On the same place. In front of the same lake. At the same bench. Fate made us meet once again under the bless of the crescent moon.
“Sumimasen,” a soft voice from my back startled me.
I turned my head. Ah, that peculiar woman again?! I smiled and invited her to take a seat next to me. But my heart was beating so fast at that time. I wondered what kind of problems she would bring to me again at that night.
She took the same seat as before and suddenly handed me a small box wrapped by a soft red fabric. “Once again, I’m really sorry for the trouble I made. I really didn’t mean that. This is an expression of my gratitude to you,” said her as she fixed her long beautiful hair blown by the night soft wind with the other hand gently.
“You don’t have to be bothered too much about it, actually.”
“Too often eating outside is not good. Home made bento is the best, you know,” she smiled, staring at the bento pack I just bought from the konbini.
Taken aback by her familiarity, I asked her with an innocent tone, “Have we ever met before?”
“Three days ago?”
I tapped my own forehead. “No, I meant before that.”
“Aaahhh...,” she shook her head. “But I often see you. You always sit alone on this bench, eating bento you bought from that konbini. Sometimes you will sit for such a long time. Doing your works or just staring into space with a funny frown on your face. Like cow’s rippling butt!” she was burst into laugh. Before I could stop her harassing my face too far, she pointed a white tall building across the lake. “That is my apartment. I always pass by this place every time I go to and back from my office.”
I nodded to show that I understood before falling into silence for a second. So, how many office employers often passing this place have ‘known’ me too well like her? That time I realized, I might be looked very pathetic for all this time. What a poor me!
“Hikari,” she stretched her right hand to me.
I was quite surprised that she told her given name right away to a stranger like me instead of telling her family name which is more usual to do. But, never mind. She was indeed quite strange.
“Satoshi,” I smiled, shaking back her warm soft hand.
And at that time I still had no idea that my life was going to change. For the whole of its chapters. The wheel of fate was spinning.
“The moonlight shines down on you who suddenly sank into silence
Aimlessly wandering on this highway, unable to stop
I wonder since when that what was more dazzling than any landscape was you
The only thing that leads me astray is you...”
I steal a glance at her for several times. Her face is still damp and red because of her cry moment ago. The street lights fall through the car window upon her tiny body which is wrapped in a white wet thin shirt. The black jacket I gave her is lying on her lap. She hasn’t touched it. I know her mind is not here right now. She is wandering so far away that I may not be able to reach her. And it’s just so frustrating.
“Should I take you home?” I ask her in a deep low tone.
She turns her head to me. Smiling and shaking her head. Then casts her gaze back through the window. She never ‘sees’ me. And it just made me even more drowned in the unbearable emptiness.
So I just speed up the pace of my car. Even I don’t know where this highway will take us to. And I don’t really care. Because what I want is only to be with her. Even for a bit longer. Even only for tonight. I just don’t want to leave her alone.
Honestly, I myself really don’t have any idea where this feeling comes from, since our third, fourth, fifth meeting and so on was really as normal as I had expected. It never came to my mind that one day I would fell for her. Caught in a valley called love which I thought never existed. Since we only talked about him all the time. Again and again. And sometimes she would cry. Other times, pretended to be strong and cheerful as if nothing was wrong, even though I knew it so well that her eyes never lied to me. Well, once again I said that women are very complicated.
“Aaaahh...,” she sighed one evening.
“What did he do?” asked I as marking and sorting my documents that had to be presented at the next morning.
“Well, he avoided me. Again. As always.” She swung her feet which were hanging from the bench, resting them from her favorite red heels she put near the bench leg. “You know, I will try my best to understand if he really doesn’t love me anymore, even if he has already had another woman like they said. I know it will be hurt. I know it won’t be that easy. I know I will need some times to put my broken heart together. But I’ll try to accept it as it is. As long as he is happy with his life now. I’ll try to understand. I’ll give up. I’ll go. But I want to hear it from his own lips. From his own heart. Not from rumors like this. I feel like I’m losing him. Slowly. Gradually. I jut don’t understand him anymore. He feels so far away now. And I...,” she silenced.
Wondering why she didn’t continue her words, I intended to take a short glimpse at her. So, I turned my head slightly, but then I could not take off my eyes of her anymore. I was enchanted. As her hands were grasping the edge of the bench on her left and right, supporting her tiny figure, she was looking upward. Far to the night blue sky. Her moist solemn eyes dwelled on one point. Shining under the light of twinkling stars. Her red lips were sparkling in a weak smile. Her wavy hair was blown by the late spring wind. Her yellow blouse was reflecting the soft light of the lamp above us. Warm. Calming. Breathtaking. It was the most beautiful scenery I’d ever seen in my life. Where the time felt like stopped. And my ears became deaf. Dumbfounded both my ears and my heart. Making the tiny flesh in this left chest beat meaningfully. Yes. For her. A fragile creature who was trying too hard to be strong. I knew for sure, she wouldn’t last much longer if there was no one came and protected her. And with all my heart, I hope it was me. From that night, my heart has never been the same.
“Turn your heart around towards me
Don't ever go away
Because I don't want to let you go...”
She makes me feel like being needed. She needs me to listen to all her lamentations. And I need her to need me. Without ever understanding it, we need each other to survive in this aching loneliness. Yet her heart never beats for me even just once.
But I never be bothered about it. Just as her that keeps longing for the man who has dumped her, I also still yearn for her unreachable love. But I believe that fate will never be mean to those who dare to hope. It will never be in vain. And it’s just so true.
This evening, when I was about to drive my car along the usual route I pass everyday from work, drops of rains dampened the twilight. Followed by early autumn gusty wind. It was impossible to go to the lake in this kind of weather since dark clouds were getting closer. And she wouldn’t be there, too, I supposed. A slight disappointment filled my heart as I turned the steering wheel and intended to go home instead.
And maybe this was what they call fate, because when I knew that I just wouldn’t have any chance to meet her, I did meet her. Standing on the roadside, in front of an Italian restaurant often visited by wealthy businessmen. At first, I hesitated. Was it her? Perhaps it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me. But, yeah, that was her wavy blonde hair. That was her favorite white bag. And her favorite red heels. It was really her! Stunned under the gentle evening rain. Staring at a man-whose face turned out to be so familiar for me-in a black suit, leading a pregnant woman to the entrance door of the restaurant with a glowing white umbrella above them. Such a nice couple that you can find in movies.
I stopped my car across the street. Got out to have a better sight. Even though her face wasn’t showing any particular expression, even though her pale cheeks were wet in raindrops, I knew, she was hiding her cry.
I clenched my fists in a heartbreaking silence. I knew I was not supposed to interfere her problem. I knew she might be enjoying the pain itself. And it was the reason why she could still survive in hope for all this time. For she has already known the truth, but she refused to accept it. Stupid, indeed. But that feeble heart has pounded mine. Her hope and determination of love has touched me, a heartless man. Her complexity, her stubbornness. I just love all of her. Makes me want to protect her more. In my embrace, I want to bring her heart together.
“For just a little bit longer, don't say anything and follow me
My heart is crying that it wants to take you away with me...”
My body moved of its own accord. I walked across the quite street. Grasped her hand. And took her away.
“Satoshi?” she looked very surprised when she saw me.
I knew she still wanted to be there. Watching at the scenery that could possibly tear out her already bleeding heart into pieces. She was breaking to the point of didn’t know how to react. How to escape. And I needed to protect her heart. From widening cracks. From the painful ones. So this was me who stole away the princess from her prince’s arm.
She herself didn’t struggle and just followed my steps, half running. In total silence. Under the rain. She didn’t look back even just for once. Until we got into the car.
“Don't cry with those eyes, because I'll hold you close...”
“I’m not crying. I’m not crying,” she said as trying to wipe off every drop rolling down from her beautiful brown eyes. No matter how hard she tried, her cheeks would be wet again and again. And I could see resentment from her which was clearly showed by the way she shed her tears.
I know she didn’t need words of comfort. Nor any kinds of amusement. Perhaps, she also didn’t need me in the first place. So, I only started up the car and drove slowly. Letting her finish her cry until her heart was fully content. “You know, sometimes rain must fall for the seed to grow,” was the only sentence I was able to utter finally. Deep inside my heart, I was also hurt. Because I knew, it was possible for me to relieve her heart from its pain, but it’s not me whom she really wanted.
“Even if I hide away the words I want to tell you
My love would overflow...”
After crying for quite a while, forcing her lips to form a smile, and staring at the window for half an hour, now Hikari is sleeping soundly on her seat. Exhausted, perhaps, from her own sorrow. I stop my car at the roadside which is very quite tonight. Only trees and grasses and bushes are along the way. No houses or buildings I can see. Nor other vehicles passing by us. We must be out of town now. I take a look at my watch. 01.34 am. Well, at least the street lights are still working.
I sigh and turn my head to her. Her clothes might be dry now. I take the jacket on her lap and cover her upper body. And I can’t help caressing her hair in a very gentle way so that she won’t be awake. Staring at her peaceful sleeping face as if she has been relieved from all of her heart burden, I only can smile to myself. Even if it is just for a while, I really want to make her happy.
It doesn’t matter if I only become a temporary place for you to rest your broken heart. A place for you to release your pain. Your burden. Because I don’t want to see it dying. It’s okay if you want to lean on me just for a while. Really. And if I am not enough to make you happy, use me to fill even just a part of it. Only then can you remember me. To be a little bit thankful because you ever know me. And your name will stay forever here, in my heart.
Once again, I let words left unsaid.
Suddenly, her phone is ringing again. I’m sure it is from him so I pick it up.
“Hikari-chan? Where are you? Why didn’t you pick up my call earlier? Are you okay?” he sounds quite panic.
“Hikari is sleeping right now. Please call again later.”
“Oi, Satoshi! Where do you take her to?! How come you know her? Don’t-”
I press the red button on the right, then turn that thing off before putting it back to her bag. I scratch my own head in annoyance. Why should I deal with my past again? I sigh as pressing the gas pedal under my foot. Letting the path take us to somewhere faraway. Just the two of us into the faraway night.
- To be Continued -