WHAT A DAY!
WELL...EVEN THOUGH I'D BEEN QUESTIONING OUR RELATIONSHIP, I WAS NEVER AGREEING TO BREAK IT OFF ENTIRELY. BUT, RICH AND I BROKE UP, I THINK, FOR GOOD LAST NIGHT. WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME BUT LAST NIGHT WAS SERIOUS AND I ACTUALLY LEFT HIS PLACE, AT HIS REQUEST, AND WENT BACK TO MY HOUSE. WE ALWAYS FIGHT LATELY BUT THERE IS STILL THAT "I LOVE YOU" MENTALITY. I'VE DONE SO MUCH FOR HIM AND I CAN'T REALLY THINK OF WHAT HE'S DONE BESIDES BRING ME DOWN AND BE ABUSIVE, YET I LOVE HIM. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? SO LAST NIGHT WE FOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM ME MOVING OUT TO ME TALKING SHIT ABOUT A CO-WORKER OF HIS TO THAT CO-WORKER'S BROTHER (WHICH RICH NEVER TOLD ME, MIND YOU). THEN HE TELLS ME HE'S NEVER BEEN ATTRACTED TO ME AND HE JUST USES ME FOR SEX. THEN HE GOES ON TO SAY THAT I'M STUPID AND WILL NEVER GET MY DEGREE BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT, THEN I'M FAT AND UGLY AND FINALLY THAT I AM DIRT WHORE. WHY THE LOVE STILL I WONDER? AFTER ALL THE HURTFUL STUFF, I PACK UP ALL MY SHIT (I MADE SURE TO GRAB MY LOTR 3 DVD!!) AND AS I'M WALKING OUT THE DOOR SOME NEIGHBOR FRIENDS OF MINE ARE WALKING IN. I'M A COMPLETE MESS, CRYING AND DRAGGING ALL THIS CRAP DOWN THE STAIRS WITH ME AND SHE STOPS ME AND HAS ME COME INTO HER PLACE AND WE START TALKING ABOUT WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON. WE GO THROUGH ALL THE PAST INCIDENTS...LIKE THE TIME I WAS SWIMMING IN THE LAKE AND HE GOT MAD AT ME AND TOOK OFF IN THE BOAT AND LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE, WITH NO LIFE JACKET FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES...OR THE TIME THAT WE'RE OUT WORKING AT HIS MOM'S HOUSE AND HE SPIT IN MY FACE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HELP HIS MOM BUILD A FENCE ANYMORE AFTER 6 HOURS OF WORKING ON IT ON MY ONLY DAY OFF...I COULD GO ON, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT EVERYONE GETS MY POINT. SHARISE (MY FRIEND) TELLS THAT IT'S NOT WORTH IT BECAUSE HE ONCE WAS WALKING OUT ANOTHER GIRL THAT HE CHEATED ON ME WITH, AND TWO MINUTES LATER I PULLED IN...HE TOLD SHARISE AND MIKE BEFORE I REACHED THE DOOR..."OH BOY THAT WAS CLOSE, I ALMOST GOT BUSTED". SO I GET HOME, LISTEN TO MY ANGRY MUSIC, CLEAN UP MY ROOM AFTER THROWING CRAP ALL OVER AND WENT TO BED.
THEN AT 6 AM THIS FINE THURSDAY MORNING HE CALLS...I JUST GRABBED THE PHONE WITHOUT LOOKING SINCE I WAS STILL HALF ASLEEP AND ANSWERED IT...FIRST MISTAKE. HE SAYS, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT HOME OK. WHAT THE HELL KINDA QUESTION IS THAT? SO I TELL HIM THAT I GOT HOME OK AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTED. HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND THAT HE FELT REALLY BAD. HE WENT BACK THROUGH HOW I HAD MESSED UP SO MUCH AND HE HAD NO TRUST LEFT IN ME BUT THAT HE LOVED ME AND HE FELT REALLY BAD. THEN HE WENT OVER EACH DETAIL OF OUR FIGHT AND TOLD ME HE WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND CRIED. THEN HE WENT BACK THROUGH IT ALL AGAIN TO MAKE SURE THAT I UNDERSTOOD. I TOLD HIM THAT I DID, AND I KINDA DO SEE HIS POINT. I HAVE AT TIMES SCREWED HIM OVER, BUT IT WAS NEVER INTENTIONAL...PURELY OUT OF BITTERNESS AT BEING TREATING BADLY, AND IT WAS ALL UNCONSCIOUSLY DONE. I CAN SEE HIS POINT TO SOME EXTENT. BUT TO BEAT ME, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY, DOWN ON A CONSTANT BASIS BECUASE "I HAVEN'T EARNED ANY RESPECT YET"? DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO LOVES SOMEONE? I'M THINKING NOT. HE ALWAYS SAYS THAT RESPECT IS EARNED...BUT I GUESS THE WAY I SEE THINGS IS THAT RESPECT IS EARNED IN EVERYTHING BUT A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, YOU WORK YOUR ASS OFF AT EVERYTHIGN ELSE IN YOUR LIFE (JOB, SCHOOL, FAMILY) AND YOU LOOK FORWARD TO GOING HOME TO SOMEONE WHO LOVES (AND IN MY MIND THAT EQUALS RESPECTS) YOU. ANYWAYS...WE GO THROUGH IT AGAIN AND HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME...BUT I HELD MY GROUND AND DID NOT SAY IT BACK TO HIM. HE THEN SAYS THAT IN ORDER TO EARN HIS TRUST BACK, I NEED TO WORK MY ASS OFF AND TREAT HIM WITH RESPECT. THEN, WHEN I'VE EARNED IT, HE'LL TREAT ME LIKE AN ANGEL CAUSE HE'S THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD AND HE'S SO EASY GOING. YEAH, NOT SO MUCH. AFTER THIS PORTION OF THE CONVERSATION, I ASKED HIM ABOUT CHEATING ON ME. HE TOLD EM THIS STORY ABOUT IT, WHICH I AM QUESTIONING...BUT FIRST, A LITTLE BACKGROUND INFO: MISCHELLE IS RICH'S EX GIRLFRIEND FOR ABOUT A MONTH, THEY HAD SEX ONCE, ABOUT A MONTH BEFORE HE MET ME, SHE IS BLONDE AND LOOKS LIKE A SPITTING IMAGE OF AMBER FRY, AND HAS THREE KIDS...WHEN THEY WERE DATING...SHE WAS SEEING A COP, WHO SHE BROKE UP WITH TO DATE RICH, BUT THE COP WAS REALLY SAD AND STALKED HER AND GOT RICH'S NUMBER AND CALLED HIM EVEN A FEW TIMES...THROUGH OUT ALL OF THIS, SHE WAS STILL MARRIED...BUT GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE. (SOMEHOW I'VE BETRAYED HIM MORE THAN THAT? HOW?) NOW FOR THE STORY: YOU MOVED OUT OVER THE FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND, I WAS REALLY SAD BECUASE I WAS LOSING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MISCHELLE CALLED, SHE COULD TELL THAT I WAS SAD, SO SHE CAME OVER AND WE WENT TO THE FIREWORKS (MIND YOU, RICH AND I HAD GONE TO THE FIREWORKS THE WEEKEND BEFORE AND HAD AN AMAZING TIME, WHICH MADE ME DOUBT MOVING OUT, BUT AT THE FIREWORKS HE TOLD ME THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE HE EVER WANTED TO SEE FIREWORKS WITH FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE...IN THOSE EXACT WORDS, ALL SAPPY AND ROMANTIC LIKE), THEY DIDN'T END TILL 11, WE DIDN'T GET OUT OF THERE UNTIL 12:30, SO SHE JUST SPENT THE NIGHT, SHE SLEPT ON THE COUCH AND I SLEPT IN MY BEDROOM, AND NOTHING HAPPENED. THEN SHE LEFT AT LIKE 9 AND YOU SHOWED UP AT 9:05. WE HADN'T DECIDED WHAT WAS GOING ON BETWEEN US AND DIDN'T WANT TO START CRAP WHEN YOU WERE FINALLY COMING BACK INTO MY LIFE AND I WAS SO HAPPY.
SO THAT'S THE STORY. DO I BELEIVE IT? I TOLD HIM I DID, BUT MY HEAD IS TELLING ME NOT TO. DURING EVERY FIGHT THAT WE'VE HAD HE'S ALWAYS THROWN OUT THAT HE'S CHEATED ON ME TWICE. HE'S A PRO AT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT DURING AN ARGUMENT. IT'S CRAZY HOW YOUR HEART AND HEAD WORK IN TWO TOTALLY OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. ANYWAYS...SO HE WAS ACTING ALL SORRY AND EVERYTHING, BUT THIS TIME I FEEL SO USED AFTER LEARNING THAT SHE WAS THERE AND SHE WENT WITH HIM TO AN EVENT HE SAID WE'D ONLY SHARE TOGETHER AND THEN SLEPT WHERE MANY TIMES I'VE SAT AND WHERE WE'VE HAD SEX, WHICH I'M SURE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT ALL OF YOU WHO READ THIS WILL REALLY WANT TO KNOW BUT IT JUST FURTHERS MY POINT. IN ANY CASE HE SAYS TO ME AS WE HANG UP THAT...MAYBE...I COULD COME OVER ON THE WEEKEND. I TOLD HIM, AGAIN STANDING MY GROUND, THAT I NEEDED A FEW DAYS TO DETERMINE WHAT AND WHO I WAS AND WHAT AND WHO I WANTED TO BE AND I'D LET HIM KNOW IF THAT INCLUDED HIM. I'M JUST VERY CONFUSED. ALL THE SIGNS IN MY HEAD POINT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE REALTIONSHIP BUT MY HEART LOVES HIS SMILE AND HIS ARMS AROUND ME AND JUST GENRALLY BEING WITH HIM, AT LEAST, MOST OF THE TIME...WE REALLY DO HAVE SOME GREAT TIMES TOGETHER. MY MAIN PROBLEM IS BEING ALONE. I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE, A LA JEFF. EVERYONE SAYS THAT I COULD HAVE ANOTHER GUY W/IN DAYS, AND I AM SURE THAT THIS FEELING OF "I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE" WILL GO AWAY, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
IT'S CRAZY...HE ONCE DID THE MOST ROMANTIC THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME BY PLAYING OUR SONG, LIGHTING CANDLES LEADING TO THE BEDROOM AND BOUGHT ME 20 I LOVE YOU BALLOONS, AND A DOZEN BEAUTIFUL PINK ROSES AND A CARD THAT READ "I CAN'T IMAGINE LIVING ONE DAY WITHOUT YOU, HERE'S TO FOREVER". THE NICEST THING ANYONE HAD EVER DONE FOR ME CAME FROM THE GUY WHO TREATS ME THE WORST, YET I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM. MAYBE IT'S NOT LOVE BUT IT SURE FEELS LIKE IT. AGAIN, SERIOUSLY CONFUSED. WELL, MEG & KRISTIE..THIS IS FINALLY UP FOR YOU TO READ AFTER HOURS OF TYPING. I AM RATHER ENJOYING HAVING A SPACE TO VENT.
PLEASE HELP!
THEN AT 6 AM THIS FINE THURSDAY MORNING HE CALLS...I JUST GRABBED THE PHONE WITHOUT LOOKING SINCE I WAS STILL HALF ASLEEP AND ANSWERED IT...FIRST MISTAKE. HE SAYS, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT HOME OK. WHAT THE HELL KINDA QUESTION IS THAT? SO I TELL HIM THAT I GOT HOME OK AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTED. HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND THAT HE FELT REALLY BAD. HE WENT BACK THROUGH HOW I HAD MESSED UP SO MUCH AND HE HAD NO TRUST LEFT IN ME BUT THAT HE LOVED ME AND HE FELT REALLY BAD. THEN HE WENT OVER EACH DETAIL OF OUR FIGHT AND TOLD ME HE WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND CRIED. THEN HE WENT BACK THROUGH IT ALL AGAIN TO MAKE SURE THAT I UNDERSTOOD. I TOLD HIM THAT I DID, AND I KINDA DO SEE HIS POINT. I HAVE AT TIMES SCREWED HIM OVER, BUT IT WAS NEVER INTENTIONAL...PURELY OUT OF BITTERNESS AT BEING TREATING BADLY, AND IT WAS ALL UNCONSCIOUSLY DONE. I CAN SEE HIS POINT TO SOME EXTENT. BUT TO BEAT ME, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY, DOWN ON A CONSTANT BASIS BECUASE "I HAVEN'T EARNED ANY RESPECT YET"? DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO LOVES SOMEONE? I'M THINKING NOT. HE ALWAYS SAYS THAT RESPECT IS EARNED...BUT I GUESS THE WAY I SEE THINGS IS THAT RESPECT IS EARNED IN EVERYTHING BUT A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, YOU WORK YOUR ASS OFF AT EVERYTHIGN ELSE IN YOUR LIFE (JOB, SCHOOL, FAMILY) AND YOU LOOK FORWARD TO GOING HOME TO SOMEONE WHO LOVES (AND IN MY MIND THAT EQUALS RESPECTS) YOU. ANYWAYS...WE GO THROUGH IT AGAIN AND HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME...BUT I HELD MY GROUND AND DID NOT SAY IT BACK TO HIM. HE THEN SAYS THAT IN ORDER TO EARN HIS TRUST BACK, I NEED TO WORK MY ASS OFF AND TREAT HIM WITH RESPECT. THEN, WHEN I'VE EARNED IT, HE'LL TREAT ME LIKE AN ANGEL CAUSE HE'S THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD AND HE'S SO EASY GOING. YEAH, NOT SO MUCH. AFTER THIS PORTION OF THE CONVERSATION, I ASKED HIM ABOUT CHEATING ON ME. HE TOLD EM THIS STORY ABOUT IT, WHICH I AM QUESTIONING...BUT FIRST, A LITTLE BACKGROUND INFO: MISCHELLE IS RICH'S EX GIRLFRIEND FOR ABOUT A MONTH, THEY HAD SEX ONCE, ABOUT A MONTH BEFORE HE MET ME, SHE IS BLONDE AND LOOKS LIKE A SPITTING IMAGE OF AMBER FRY, AND HAS THREE KIDS...WHEN THEY WERE DATING...SHE WAS SEEING A COP, WHO SHE BROKE UP WITH TO DATE RICH, BUT THE COP WAS REALLY SAD AND STALKED HER AND GOT RICH'S NUMBER AND CALLED HIM EVEN A FEW TIMES...THROUGH OUT ALL OF THIS, SHE WAS STILL MARRIED...BUT GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE. (SOMEHOW I'VE BETRAYED HIM MORE THAN THAT? HOW?) NOW FOR THE STORY: YOU MOVED OUT OVER THE FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND, I WAS REALLY SAD BECUASE I WAS LOSING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MISCHELLE CALLED, SHE COULD TELL THAT I WAS SAD, SO SHE CAME OVER AND WE WENT TO THE FIREWORKS (MIND YOU, RICH AND I HAD GONE TO THE FIREWORKS THE WEEKEND BEFORE AND HAD AN AMAZING TIME, WHICH MADE ME DOUBT MOVING OUT, BUT AT THE FIREWORKS HE TOLD ME THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE HE EVER WANTED TO SEE FIREWORKS WITH FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE...IN THOSE EXACT WORDS, ALL SAPPY AND ROMANTIC LIKE), THEY DIDN'T END TILL 11, WE DIDN'T GET OUT OF THERE UNTIL 12:30, SO SHE JUST SPENT THE NIGHT, SHE SLEPT ON THE COUCH AND I SLEPT IN MY BEDROOM, AND NOTHING HAPPENED. THEN SHE LEFT AT LIKE 9 AND YOU SHOWED UP AT 9:05. WE HADN'T DECIDED WHAT WAS GOING ON BETWEEN US AND DIDN'T WANT TO START CRAP WHEN YOU WERE FINALLY COMING BACK INTO MY LIFE AND I WAS SO HAPPY.
SO THAT'S THE STORY. DO I BELEIVE IT? I TOLD HIM I DID, BUT MY HEAD IS TELLING ME NOT TO. DURING EVERY FIGHT THAT WE'VE HAD HE'S ALWAYS THROWN OUT THAT HE'S CHEATED ON ME TWICE. HE'S A PRO AT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT DURING AN ARGUMENT. IT'S CRAZY HOW YOUR HEART AND HEAD WORK IN TWO TOTALLY OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. ANYWAYS...SO HE WAS ACTING ALL SORRY AND EVERYTHING, BUT THIS TIME I FEEL SO USED AFTER LEARNING THAT SHE WAS THERE AND SHE WENT WITH HIM TO AN EVENT HE SAID WE'D ONLY SHARE TOGETHER AND THEN SLEPT WHERE MANY TIMES I'VE SAT AND WHERE WE'VE HAD SEX, WHICH I'M SURE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT ALL OF YOU WHO READ THIS WILL REALLY WANT TO KNOW BUT IT JUST FURTHERS MY POINT. IN ANY CASE HE SAYS TO ME AS WE HANG UP THAT...MAYBE...I COULD COME OVER ON THE WEEKEND. I TOLD HIM, AGAIN STANDING MY GROUND, THAT I NEEDED A FEW DAYS TO DETERMINE WHAT AND WHO I WAS AND WHAT AND WHO I WANTED TO BE AND I'D LET HIM KNOW IF THAT INCLUDED HIM. I'M JUST VERY CONFUSED. ALL THE SIGNS IN MY HEAD POINT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE REALTIONSHIP BUT MY HEART LOVES HIS SMILE AND HIS ARMS AROUND ME AND JUST GENRALLY BEING WITH HIM, AT LEAST, MOST OF THE TIME...WE REALLY DO HAVE SOME GREAT TIMES TOGETHER. MY MAIN PROBLEM IS BEING ALONE. I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE, A LA JEFF. EVERYONE SAYS THAT I COULD HAVE ANOTHER GUY W/IN DAYS, AND I AM SURE THAT THIS FEELING OF "I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE" WILL GO AWAY, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
IT'S CRAZY...HE ONCE DID THE MOST ROMANTIC THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME BY PLAYING OUR SONG, LIGHTING CANDLES LEADING TO THE BEDROOM AND BOUGHT ME 20 I LOVE YOU BALLOONS, AND A DOZEN BEAUTIFUL PINK ROSES AND A CARD THAT READ "I CAN'T IMAGINE LIVING ONE DAY WITHOUT YOU, HERE'S TO FOREVER". THE NICEST THING ANYONE HAD EVER DONE FOR ME CAME FROM THE GUY WHO TREATS ME THE WORST, YET I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM. MAYBE IT'S NOT LOVE BUT IT SURE FEELS LIKE IT. AGAIN, SERIOUSLY CONFUSED. WELL, MEG & KRISTIE..THIS IS FINALLY UP FOR YOU TO READ AFTER HOURS OF TYPING. I AM RATHER ENJOYING HAVING A SPACE TO VENT.
PLEASE HELP!