(no subject)
It's been a while i wrote anything over here. Looks like thats the first thing i am saying in every entry am going to write.
Am here in Tobago, still, doing same thing all over and all over again. Close past hasnt been the easiest time for me, most of the times i just wish i was in Finland and i wish i wasnt so blind before. All this could of ended so different way. But here I am - by myself in my flat, having a day off, nothing to do really, rain is falling outside, I was to go running with my best friend Kristian but he didn't answer his phone earlier on so i ended up to stay home and clean. I gave a call to my friend who is visitng from New York. He said is gonna check me tomorrow. The way i left New York two weeks ago wasnt really the way i expected it to be, top thoughts were disappointment and feeling miserable coming back to Tobago. Back to work. Work that really doesnt make sense for me anymore. Meeting my friend at the airport when i got back, and how they dropped me home and since i closed the door behind me I cried. And I cried a lot. Home was so nice, I enjoyed my family so much, wathing TV with my father, my brother was home too and mom, mom was behaving better than most of my visits. There were no questions asked and all I knew it's time for me to come back.
Since October am back over here. Beginning went well, I enjoyed work, had plenty of good company, i was babysitting my friends 5 month old baby,making little extra pocket money. Enjoyed living by myself. And Dyon. Made plans for the next couple of years, all i wanted was us to have family and start saving for our house and all that. Settle down with big S. There were no arguments, I was trusting everything so much as someone can trust. Anything he asked, I made it happen.
Months passed, attitudes of certain people started to change. At work. At home. Dyon. And I know I hadnt changed a thing.Everything were the same for me, and all I asked him was to spend my birthday together. Thats all, relax on the beach together, nothing big. He told me no. He wouldnt be around, has to work. I ended up to go Trinidad with my friends for the whole weekend. On my birthday I didnt even receive a phonecall from him. I was to take afternoon boat back to Tobago us to spend some time. My friends said to me i should stay. With tears, i did stay. Next day we were gonna wake up early in the morning and sail back. So we did. I had good time with them. All day on Maracas Bay on Sunday and they even suprised me with a cake and a bottle of wine when we got back. I didnt see D until monday evening, after i finished work late in the evening. No words and cried. Since then everything started to go wrong, looked like he didnt even want to try make things work, I was trying my best all the time, biting my tongue sometimes failing it. Everybody told me to leave him. Find someone who wants to do things with me. But he was the one i loved and the one i ever loved the most in my entire life. I was fighting against it, i wanted things to work out! Seriously, i didnt want torealise i had spent two years with him all in vain.
Argues didnt seem so stop, I wanted to move in together, start the action to save money. He said we are not ready for that - we are not ready for that after two years together, after all hard things we got through together, after 5 months long distance - so when would be ready???
My appartment by that time was quite expensive for me and i started to look for a cheaper place. He got mad at me. Said what gonna happen and so on and so on. The day when i was to move out, last day of March came and he came to bring back the keys and collect some other stuff. Since that day his phone didnt answer for next two weeks.
Another woman.
I found out about everything.
And only 2 months before i signed another year contract, visa to stay in T&T.
And all that time he knew.
I never been so mad as that day when i found out about everything. I was the number 2, plan B.
He loved someone else more than me. Sad but true that I loved him the most in my world and had ignored so many new
people in my life because of him. Told them to forget about me and move on, that what i wanted, i wanted him.
He refused to talk to me, told me am crazy and something is wrong with me. Told me he have nothing to tell me. Hang up the phone. I ran to the backsteps of workbuilding and cried, my whole body was shaking, Panic. Next day I went and changed my return ticket to go back to Finland. I needed a break. Everything over here made me feel sick.
I couldnt stay home alone a bit. I was freaking out every minute. That was that. Keep yourself occupied, i said to myself.
Never put away your friends, they are the ones who keeps u standing when you dont feel your feet.
A month later a flied home for 3 weeks. I was sick most of the time of my trip but i was still feeling better away from the heartbreaking enviroment. I hated to go bed alone. But at least I had family around me, people who cares the most what i am doing. I saw my girlfriends, friends, my first godchild. I spent time with someone who i met last year.
But still it was there and it still is. But i felt so much easier when i was away.
I went to New York for a week before i had to go back to Tobago. Spent most time alone, i came in bad timing my friends said. Week passed fast and I loved walking around in Manhattan every day, watching people, nobody knowing me. I wish I could live over there, I thought.
One day I was in downtown Brooklyn walking back to the subway, a guy passed me, looked me into my eyes and I kept on walking. After a minute somebody came behind me and asked whats my name and if could talk to me a second.
His name was Tony and I gave him my phone number. I knew wasnt gonna see him ever again 'cos i was to leave next morning.
So i left. My friend put me in taxi heading to the JFK airport almost forgetting to hug me before i left. Typical man behavior I thought. 3 hours later i was in the plane heading back to Tobago and feeling miserable, feeling to go back home to my parents.
2days after i started back to work and oh my how i never before has felt so bad going back to work.
So here I am now, writing this, wishing better will come and next six months to pass very fast. I would go home for Christmas. I havent spend Christmas with my family since 2007. Its gonna be cold moving back, but its time to move on. Back home, backto school.
After that anything could happen.
Am here in Tobago, still, doing same thing all over and all over again. Close past hasnt been the easiest time for me, most of the times i just wish i was in Finland and i wish i wasnt so blind before. All this could of ended so different way. But here I am - by myself in my flat, having a day off, nothing to do really, rain is falling outside, I was to go running with my best friend Kristian but he didn't answer his phone earlier on so i ended up to stay home and clean. I gave a call to my friend who is visitng from New York. He said is gonna check me tomorrow. The way i left New York two weeks ago wasnt really the way i expected it to be, top thoughts were disappointment and feeling miserable coming back to Tobago. Back to work. Work that really doesnt make sense for me anymore. Meeting my friend at the airport when i got back, and how they dropped me home and since i closed the door behind me I cried. And I cried a lot. Home was so nice, I enjoyed my family so much, wathing TV with my father, my brother was home too and mom, mom was behaving better than most of my visits. There were no questions asked and all I knew it's time for me to come back.
Since October am back over here. Beginning went well, I enjoyed work, had plenty of good company, i was babysitting my friends 5 month old baby,making little extra pocket money. Enjoyed living by myself. And Dyon. Made plans for the next couple of years, all i wanted was us to have family and start saving for our house and all that. Settle down with big S. There were no arguments, I was trusting everything so much as someone can trust. Anything he asked, I made it happen.
Months passed, attitudes of certain people started to change. At work. At home. Dyon. And I know I hadnt changed a thing.Everything were the same for me, and all I asked him was to spend my birthday together. Thats all, relax on the beach together, nothing big. He told me no. He wouldnt be around, has to work. I ended up to go Trinidad with my friends for the whole weekend. On my birthday I didnt even receive a phonecall from him. I was to take afternoon boat back to Tobago us to spend some time. My friends said to me i should stay. With tears, i did stay. Next day we were gonna wake up early in the morning and sail back. So we did. I had good time with them. All day on Maracas Bay on Sunday and they even suprised me with a cake and a bottle of wine when we got back. I didnt see D until monday evening, after i finished work late in the evening. No words and cried. Since then everything started to go wrong, looked like he didnt even want to try make things work, I was trying my best all the time, biting my tongue sometimes failing it. Everybody told me to leave him. Find someone who wants to do things with me. But he was the one i loved and the one i ever loved the most in my entire life. I was fighting against it, i wanted things to work out! Seriously, i didnt want torealise i had spent two years with him all in vain.
Argues didnt seem so stop, I wanted to move in together, start the action to save money. He said we are not ready for that - we are not ready for that after two years together, after all hard things we got through together, after 5 months long distance - so when would be ready???
My appartment by that time was quite expensive for me and i started to look for a cheaper place. He got mad at me. Said what gonna happen and so on and so on. The day when i was to move out, last day of March came and he came to bring back the keys and collect some other stuff. Since that day his phone didnt answer for next two weeks.
Another woman.
I found out about everything.
And only 2 months before i signed another year contract, visa to stay in T&T.
And all that time he knew.
I never been so mad as that day when i found out about everything. I was the number 2, plan B.
He loved someone else more than me. Sad but true that I loved him the most in my world and had ignored so many new
people in my life because of him. Told them to forget about me and move on, that what i wanted, i wanted him.
He refused to talk to me, told me am crazy and something is wrong with me. Told me he have nothing to tell me. Hang up the phone. I ran to the backsteps of workbuilding and cried, my whole body was shaking, Panic. Next day I went and changed my return ticket to go back to Finland. I needed a break. Everything over here made me feel sick.
I couldnt stay home alone a bit. I was freaking out every minute. That was that. Keep yourself occupied, i said to myself.
Never put away your friends, they are the ones who keeps u standing when you dont feel your feet.
A month later a flied home for 3 weeks. I was sick most of the time of my trip but i was still feeling better away from the heartbreaking enviroment. I hated to go bed alone. But at least I had family around me, people who cares the most what i am doing. I saw my girlfriends, friends, my first godchild. I spent time with someone who i met last year.
But still it was there and it still is. But i felt so much easier when i was away.
I went to New York for a week before i had to go back to Tobago. Spent most time alone, i came in bad timing my friends said. Week passed fast and I loved walking around in Manhattan every day, watching people, nobody knowing me. I wish I could live over there, I thought.
One day I was in downtown Brooklyn walking back to the subway, a guy passed me, looked me into my eyes and I kept on walking. After a minute somebody came behind me and asked whats my name and if could talk to me a second.
His name was Tony and I gave him my phone number. I knew wasnt gonna see him ever again 'cos i was to leave next morning.
So i left. My friend put me in taxi heading to the JFK airport almost forgetting to hug me before i left. Typical man behavior I thought. 3 hours later i was in the plane heading back to Tobago and feeling miserable, feeling to go back home to my parents.
2days after i started back to work and oh my how i never before has felt so bad going back to work.
So here I am now, writing this, wishing better will come and next six months to pass very fast. I would go home for Christmas. I havent spend Christmas with my family since 2007. Its gonna be cold moving back, but its time to move on. Back home, backto school.
After that anything could happen.