Real Life, Nearest&Dearest, Fanfic, Doctor Who & Sherlock
I just had a well-deserved steak and chips from one of my favourite takeaways and it was sooooooooooooooo good. I know steak costs money, but I couldn't help it; was working all weekend and things were a little intense, both physically and emotionally. I'm really tired. Today was a little draining, as we had evac-chair training and I was terrified due to my issues with stairs (long story short, from a young age I've been unable to go down stairs without hanging onto banisters or someone's arm) but the instructor was really kind and patient, which was a great help; he praised us continually, encouraged us and didn't rebuke us at all when we made mistakes. He made it clear it was all about practice and was especially helpful towards me when he clocked my anxiety, even letting me have an extra go. I came out feeling really proud of myself and felt I'd achieved something.
One thing that annoyed me about today, though? A colleague attempted to start a conversation with me by commenting on the weight of one my friends. -_- Seriously, please don't do that.
In other news, it's been quite a busy week - my Dad, stepmum and Dad's best friend came over for a Nearest & Dearest event at my workplace. I got to show them around, introduce them to several of my colleagues and it was a really lovely afternoon. They intended to stay just for a couple of hours because of my stepmum's work, but ended up staying for four hours; they were really engaged, enjoyed everything and we just had a nice time together, catching up. It didn't hurt that they got in for free, either. ^_^ Dad said afterwards that he felt I was clearly at home there and I do feel that way.
I also went over to a colleague's house a couple of times last week to watch Doctor Who with her; she hadn't seen Series 10 and I have it on DVD. I haven't had much to do with Doctor Who since the Christmas special so it felt really refreshing, to open it all back up. It was also hilarious watching her reaction to the penultimate episode; honestly, I enjoyed just chilling at someone else's place, eating chocolate and indulging in something I loved. My friend was worried that she ought to recompense me for the treats I'd brought but I waved her off and told her I never need an excuse to eat them. During our second Who binge, I went over to hers after having a nice walk over to the local park to get some much needed Vitamin D and arrived at two. I didn't come back until half-eleven at night because they ended up inviting me to a pub-quiz. We didn't win but when one of the questions was about Thomas the Tank Engine, I'm not ashamed to say I knew the answer right off the bat.
In terms of mental health, I... think I'm alright? I'm trying to keep myself busy. I actually had enormous fun the last few days working on a cross-over fic that just came out of nowhere; I started it the day of Nearest & Dearest before I met up with Dad and couldn't stop. I haven't written anything for a bit - nothing worth publishing anyway - and I hope to publish it tonight or tomorrow. It's just nice to have something to work on, to keep my brain occupied.
On a general note, I think I've been a lot more mentally sound recently; things aren't getting to me quite so much and if they do, I'm able to handle them better. I'm just enjoying being, being in my own space and I've been reaching some epiphanies about myself as a person: namely, that I really didn't like the person I was in Cardiff. I was bitter, jealous, needy and desperate to fit in and I don't want to be that person anymore. Maybe it's because I'm in an environment that's bigger and that I get on with a lot of the people (I don't know what that says about me as I certainly don't want other people to validate me) but I feel I can just be myself and take my own time, without fear of judgement. I don't mind bad days because I know they won't last. I don't mind being alone because I know it's just me having some time to myself and as long as I'm doing the things that make me happy, that's all that matters. I've been wondering if maybe I need to cut ties with certain people to move forward; it's a cruel contemplation but there have been people in my life who - while not to blame for my old, Cardiff state of mind - haven't helped it and even exaberated it. Is it time to say goodbye to them and move on with my life, or will I regret it later? These are people who despite everything took me under their wing and gave me some good memories so it's a hard thing to parse on; right now, I'm avoiding the issue and avoiding contact.
On the subject of fandom, I was having a couple of chats with two of my colleagues who are also into fanfiction - one of them asked me all about the Check Please AU I was reading (one that I just cannot get enough of, it's so good) as she wanted to know what kind of fanfic I was reading; she seemed very interested when I told her all about CP. In a separate conversation with another colleague, she confessed that she loved Sherlock, until Series 4 came out. I actually... uh, got a bit carried away with my response because hell yeah, I get it. My response actually made her laugh because I was so riled up - basically came down to me stating that the Dracula franchise needs to run a mile to keep itself out of Mofftiss' hands.
I kind of wish that I was brave enough to walk away from Sherlock because I feel my relationship with it as a show has been a frustrating long-standing affair. I've often given it a lot of thinking time and a little too much of my attention without enjoying it; it's only over the last year that Check Please! came into my life that I've been able to take a step back and learn to compartmentalise again. I still love reading the fanfic but it's really hard to write Sherlock and John AS Sherlock and John after what happened between them in Series 4 and to an extent, Series 3. Even if I want to ship them, I honestly don't think I can after the events of the Lying Detective; it's just really hard to look at John and imagining him loving Sherlock romantically, for me at least. I'm not saying you can't ship them, especially after the Final Problem, but for me, I just cannot get past the moment when John beats the living daylights out of Sherlock; it was cruel, it was unnecessary and well? Maybe I'm being naiive and I'm truly sorry in advance if this sounds horrible, but - it felt abusive. And this after he'd already forgiven Mary for shooting and killing his best friend (I find Mofftiss' 'that was surgery' approach utterly unforgivable). I know he feels guilty immediately after hitting Sherlock and I get it, they were doing the whole 'he's only human' spiel but even over a year later, it's still so hard to get my head around something like that.
I don't buy into The Johnlock Conspiracy as I was just enjoying the fanon but if I'm brutally honest, I think I've been trying too hard to make sense of John's actions and motives along the way. I don't think I'll stop writing them; I just wish my relationship with the show was healthier and that I didn't get so hung up on trying to essentially 'control' the narrative and try and explain everything. The horribly ironic thing is despite everything I've just written, Series 4 did prompt some very strong-worded fanfiction from me. That said, I'm still working on how I want to write Sherlock and John together and what exactly it is I'm aiming for in their relationship; do I want to write them platonically, platonically-romantically, or simply romantically? And if so, how do I do that? How do I represent - and to some extent, fix - this friendship? Again, overthinking? When it comes to writing, I just want to be myself. It just feels as though the Sherlock fandom has experienced some very poor-quality fanfic from me due to my lack of confidence in the fandom and I feel I could do much better if I could just find what I truly wanted to say.
I dunno... I know this all probably sounds very strange, but it just bothers me that I've been invested in Sherlock without necessarily enjoying it and I want to do things that I enjoy, not obsess over something that's not good for me.
This entry was originally posted at https://ellieet.dreamwidth.org/591459.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
One thing that annoyed me about today, though? A colleague attempted to start a conversation with me by commenting on the weight of one my friends. -_- Seriously, please don't do that.
In other news, it's been quite a busy week - my Dad, stepmum and Dad's best friend came over for a Nearest & Dearest event at my workplace. I got to show them around, introduce them to several of my colleagues and it was a really lovely afternoon. They intended to stay just for a couple of hours because of my stepmum's work, but ended up staying for four hours; they were really engaged, enjoyed everything and we just had a nice time together, catching up. It didn't hurt that they got in for free, either. ^_^ Dad said afterwards that he felt I was clearly at home there and I do feel that way.
I also went over to a colleague's house a couple of times last week to watch Doctor Who with her; she hadn't seen Series 10 and I have it on DVD. I haven't had much to do with Doctor Who since the Christmas special so it felt really refreshing, to open it all back up. It was also hilarious watching her reaction to the penultimate episode; honestly, I enjoyed just chilling at someone else's place, eating chocolate and indulging in something I loved. My friend was worried that she ought to recompense me for the treats I'd brought but I waved her off and told her I never need an excuse to eat them. During our second Who binge, I went over to hers after having a nice walk over to the local park to get some much needed Vitamin D and arrived at two. I didn't come back until half-eleven at night because they ended up inviting me to a pub-quiz. We didn't win but when one of the questions was about Thomas the Tank Engine, I'm not ashamed to say I knew the answer right off the bat.
In terms of mental health, I... think I'm alright? I'm trying to keep myself busy. I actually had enormous fun the last few days working on a cross-over fic that just came out of nowhere; I started it the day of Nearest & Dearest before I met up with Dad and couldn't stop. I haven't written anything for a bit - nothing worth publishing anyway - and I hope to publish it tonight or tomorrow. It's just nice to have something to work on, to keep my brain occupied.
On a general note, I think I've been a lot more mentally sound recently; things aren't getting to me quite so much and if they do, I'm able to handle them better. I'm just enjoying being, being in my own space and I've been reaching some epiphanies about myself as a person: namely, that I really didn't like the person I was in Cardiff. I was bitter, jealous, needy and desperate to fit in and I don't want to be that person anymore. Maybe it's because I'm in an environment that's bigger and that I get on with a lot of the people (I don't know what that says about me as I certainly don't want other people to validate me) but I feel I can just be myself and take my own time, without fear of judgement. I don't mind bad days because I know they won't last. I don't mind being alone because I know it's just me having some time to myself and as long as I'm doing the things that make me happy, that's all that matters. I've been wondering if maybe I need to cut ties with certain people to move forward; it's a cruel contemplation but there have been people in my life who - while not to blame for my old, Cardiff state of mind - haven't helped it and even exaberated it. Is it time to say goodbye to them and move on with my life, or will I regret it later? These are people who despite everything took me under their wing and gave me some good memories so it's a hard thing to parse on; right now, I'm avoiding the issue and avoiding contact.
On the subject of fandom, I was having a couple of chats with two of my colleagues who are also into fanfiction - one of them asked me all about the Check Please AU I was reading (one that I just cannot get enough of, it's so good) as she wanted to know what kind of fanfic I was reading; she seemed very interested when I told her all about CP. In a separate conversation with another colleague, she confessed that she loved Sherlock, until Series 4 came out. I actually... uh, got a bit carried away with my response because hell yeah, I get it. My response actually made her laugh because I was so riled up - basically came down to me stating that the Dracula franchise needs to run a mile to keep itself out of Mofftiss' hands.
I kind of wish that I was brave enough to walk away from Sherlock because I feel my relationship with it as a show has been a frustrating long-standing affair. I've often given it a lot of thinking time and a little too much of my attention without enjoying it; it's only over the last year that Check Please! came into my life that I've been able to take a step back and learn to compartmentalise again. I still love reading the fanfic but it's really hard to write Sherlock and John AS Sherlock and John after what happened between them in Series 4 and to an extent, Series 3. Even if I want to ship them, I honestly don't think I can after the events of the Lying Detective; it's just really hard to look at John and imagining him loving Sherlock romantically, for me at least. I'm not saying you can't ship them, especially after the Final Problem, but for me, I just cannot get past the moment when John beats the living daylights out of Sherlock; it was cruel, it was unnecessary and well? Maybe I'm being naiive and I'm truly sorry in advance if this sounds horrible, but - it felt abusive. And this after he'd already forgiven Mary for shooting and killing his best friend (I find Mofftiss' 'that was surgery' approach utterly unforgivable). I know he feels guilty immediately after hitting Sherlock and I get it, they were doing the whole 'he's only human' spiel but even over a year later, it's still so hard to get my head around something like that.
I don't buy into The Johnlock Conspiracy as I was just enjoying the fanon but if I'm brutally honest, I think I've been trying too hard to make sense of John's actions and motives along the way. I don't think I'll stop writing them; I just wish my relationship with the show was healthier and that I didn't get so hung up on trying to essentially 'control' the narrative and try and explain everything. The horribly ironic thing is despite everything I've just written, Series 4 did prompt some very strong-worded fanfiction from me. That said, I'm still working on how I want to write Sherlock and John together and what exactly it is I'm aiming for in their relationship; do I want to write them platonically, platonically-romantically, or simply romantically? And if so, how do I do that? How do I represent - and to some extent, fix - this friendship? Again, overthinking? When it comes to writing, I just want to be myself. It just feels as though the Sherlock fandom has experienced some very poor-quality fanfic from me due to my lack of confidence in the fandom and I feel I could do much better if I could just find what I truly wanted to say.
I dunno... I know this all probably sounds very strange, but it just bothers me that I've been invested in Sherlock without necessarily enjoying it and I want to do things that I enjoy, not obsess over something that's not good for me.
This entry was originally posted at https://ellieet.dreamwidth.org/591459.html. Please comment there using OpenID.