I'll be in the air
Title: I’ll be in the air
Characters: Tablo/Hyukjae
Author: elliebear128 (formerly elmersglue128)
Rating: NC-17 (explicit sexuality, language)
Length: one-shot
Words: 4,694
Dedicated: to slarya (Happy Birthday, darling~ ), madelyn93 (Happy month-early Birthday! B/c it's my last, here's to you too, bb~)
Summary: [college!verse] Hyukjae is a freshman international student at an American university and Tablo is the senior he keeps conveniently bumping into on campus until they both can't stay away.
Notes: My last blohyuk fic T_T Excuse the typos/badgrammar/not-remembering-how-to-write-blohyuk @_@
Tablo’s walking through campus lazily because it’s been damn long since he first attended orientation a.k.a. "freshmen forced fun" himself. Too many years to count and he’s finally graduating for good in a few months. So what the hell is he still doing on campus on a Saturday afternoon?
Oh, right. His mind flashes back to last night and Tukutz in a moment of not so temporary insanity mixed vodka and soju with beer (and Mithra brought over a mixer to make appletinis but he didn't calling them that because that’d be too girly). Tablo did not drink the deadly concoction before puking into the sink and crashing on the floor.
Instead, he’s been covering Tukutz’s ass for the last few hours and working his shift for him. How Tukutz even landed this position as orientation leader for the summer is a damn mystery. Now it’s been half an hour of fruitless searching because some freshman idiot has strayed away from the group and Tablo can’t find him anywhere.
Vaguely, he remembers this kid’s face and has been calling his name amongst other things in Korean to just about every guy he’s seen and getting the I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-that-shit-is-but-fuck-you-better-not-try-anything-funny stares in return. You’d almost think he was soliciting kinky sex right then and there on the ground or something. Tablo scorns heavily as he looks at the name circled on his clipboard and he can’t stand the idiot already. Lee Hyukjae, where the hell are you?
There’s someone lying under one of the cherry blossom trees in the otherwise deserted courtyard. He’s still too far away to see anything, but immediately recognizes the lump of limps right away. An obvious rich boy even from the distance with a torso covered under an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt and an arm casually flung over the eyes.
Tablo walks up until he’s examining him from the side, scowling harder once he notice the Louie Vuitton backpack the kid’s got his head resting on and the iPod nano with his name inscribed on it playing a hip-hop song loudly from his earphones. Then he feels like leaving the rich brat there and pretend he couldn’t find him, it’s lunch time already anyways and he’s starving.
Right then, Hyukjae wakes up and stares back with a smile on his lips and Tablo’s caught in the act of trying to escape. He hops up agilely and gathers his stuff, falling into step with the elder and explaining earnestly about trying to find the restroom and taking a wrong turn and walking endlessly until finally settling down under that tree.
His eyes are wide and his mouth scrunched in confusion, as if his own words and actions are confounding to himself. They’ve probably been playing hide-and-go-seek for so long, he’s been going around asking for Tablo and racking his brain for the English words he knows, including the few odd ones Tukutz previously taught the kid as a joke because this job is fucking miserable. Hyukjae asks why he got such nasty looks when he tells a girl he says he "has a serious problem, gonorrhea”. Tukutz told him gonorrhea is the formal term for having gone somewhere and getting lost.
"What? W-what's wrong, hyung?"
Tablo lets his mouth hang open for a moment before cracking up and Hyukjae’s repeating that same sentence, asking self-consciously if he’s saying it wrong and pronouncing each word even more slowly. Tablo doesn’t correct him and completely forget he’s annoyed with him.
The kid totters after him, his feet moving faster than the rest of his body and he’s all happy again. He’s left with his group to eat lunch and Tablo sees the bastard Tukutz strolling towards him with sunglasses still on, he’s completely guiltless but very hung over. Tablo gives him the finger when he passes by with a grin.
--
Tablo sees him. Everywhere.
Campus is very large, enormously large with a hundred buildings divided into thousands of hallways all individually named after some rich dead guy with money donated in his name. Hyukjae gets lost. Every day. That is not surprising.
The fact that he always manages to sheepishly bump headfirst into Tablo’s chest every single time and have him dragging the kid to the right room is fucking amazing. Hyukjae always clunks down into his seat, waving energetically goodbye.
He’s so naive. Tablo’s just waiting for the day some jackass takes advantage of that kid. But he’s no hero or role model though; he’s got my own shit to worry about. Like making sure he actually graduates in time and getting the hell out of here on the 8am flight to Europe. The ticket’s actually hot in his wallet, he take it everywhere with him as motivation to focus until the bitter end.
When Hyukjae tries to thank him by offering to buy lunch, he wants to be a bastard and tell him to stay the fuck away instead as his thanks. The words form perfectly sinister inside my head but he looks at Tablo with those innocent doe eyes, he breaks like a weak twig and agree to it like his brain and his mouth are no longer connected.
They eat in his dorm building, in that crappy cafeteria where all the other flocks of noisy freshmen gather in obnoxious groups. There’s some sort of goopy noodles on his plate that he pushes around with his fork and Hyukjae’s just eating it up with a perfectly elated smile on his face.
His eyelashes flutter constantly as he looks down on his food, making direct eye contact for mere seconds at a time before shying away. It’s not often that Tablo see something like this (even with girls), but he knows what it is right away. A crush, the kid has some sort of childish boy-crush on him. It’s pretty obvious, his pupils literally sparkle as he speaks in embarrassed, rambling sentences.
Tablo can’t help but grin back, it strokes his ego and secretly makes him feel all good inside. Just like that, he lets Hyukjae tag along everywhere. Why? Hell if he knows.
--
One time, they’re just listening to some hip-hop mixes on his ancient CD player in Tablo’s cheap-ass apartment shared with four other guys. At least the room is all to himself, even if it’s the crappy one squished up in the attic that literally only fits a mattress on the floor next to a small dresser with all his junk in messy piles.
Hyukjae looks completely out of place, like a jewel jammed amongst ordinary rocks as he sits on the bed with his expensive clothes and watch and shoes. It makes Tablo wonder what the hell he sees here that’s so great for him to keep coming by every day, everything he owns is as washed-out and old as he is.
Hyukjae has a natural talent for moving to the beat, it’s the way his whole chest moves as they listen to a song and he always has this sweet smile once it ends and they share a look. It’s so sweet, like candy and Tablo feels all disoriented like he’s drunk too much because he thinks he wants a taste.
That’s sick, he frowns and gets moody and starts snapping at everything Hyukjae says. He’s just a stupid kid making him be stupid.
--
It’s after that time, Tablo starts having these fucked-up dreams.
The room is dark; he’s got his mouth and tongue all over Hyukjae while the both of them are so utterly naked and hot against each other, like he can feel the steamy condensation on their skin. The kid’s unbelievably soft fingers are on his cock, stroking him off and his own erection is so stiff against Tablo’s thigh. Their mouths meet up roughly and he can immediately taste the saccharine lacing the other’s swollen lips as he licks the sugary substance that is Hyukjae like an insatiable monster.
Tablo wakes up gasping in stale air and struggling to untangle himself from the bed sheets, a burning hard-on under his pajama bottoms drawing him to reality. But the images swirl continuously inside his head, Hyukjae’s pale skin against his lips and that warm, dragging hand on his cock drives his own hand underneath his pants.
He hears Hyukjae groaning out his name with that shy, innocent voice and he jerks himself off until sticky, white liquid empties onto his fingers. After the shock, he stands under the shower for an hour trying to make sense of the illogical thoughts inside his head. It’s pathetic but he starts buying porno magazines of the sluttiest girls with big, busty chests just to prove a point to himself.
When Hyukjae accidently finds a pile of them in a drawer where the blank CDs should be, he curiously starts glancing through one until Tablo returns from the bathroom. He turns bright red with his mouth open in guilt-ridden shock before he fumbles to shove everything back in where they belong. He’s bright red when he realizes he still needs to grab a CD and sheepishly smiles as he reaches back inside for one.
That night, Tablo leaves the window cracked open because the air is so warm before uneasily falling asleep. He dreams again of Hyukjae, his hot pinkish mouth a perfect “o” around his cock and sucking him hard and wet with his amazing tongue as he licks sweet lines over the slit.
Hands massage his thighs as Hyukjae jams the whole thing to the back of his throat, pulling half-way out and licking like a lollipop while his adolescent eyes peer up. Tablo’s hips are trembling, his cock numbing with dense shivers as he groans loudly and shoves half of his face into the cottony fabric of the pillow.
When Tablo’s eyes snap open, he urgently sits up soaked in a thick sheen of perspiration and momentarily tries to ignore the stickiness inside the front of his boxers. He runs his fingers through his hair in disbelief, trying to even out his breathing.
--
It’s hard to push Hyukjae away when he smiles, when it’s so clear the kid’s in love with him. Is it wrong to be in lust only? Tablo just wants him, he doesn’t need him. At least that’s what he tells himself. Europe is his escape, not Hyukjae.
When they finally kiss, it’s because he has such a pretty mouth and Tablo just wanted a taste of it. Hyukjae tenses up, like his held breath catches in his throat until Tablo lures it out.
Hyukjae’s lips are pliant and smooth yet eager and clumsy, pressing against the other’s until a tongue traces a wet line daring for entrance. He lets him in easily; Tablo can feel the velvety walls inside all minty and fresh like the kid literally eats a whole box of mints right before they meet.
Tablo guides him on the bed, his bed, before he holds onto his shoulders after brushing a stray hair out of his eyes. Waiting for the moment when he tries to stumble out a sentence, pink-tinted cheeks and all, Tablo steals his words from him when he places a hand against his chest with only a thin layer of cotton in between their bare skin. Tablo refuses to give anything back, like everything is his as he pulls that shirt up and licks every inch of exposed skin like it’s only his.
Hyukjae’s gasps are so sexy, half whiny and all delirious, as he draw lines around his nipples with the tip of his tongue and the pad of his thumb. Tablo loves how flat his chest is, how predominant his collarbones are, as he make his way up the neck and to the spot behind the ear that causes his hips to jerk in reaction.
His hips bones also protrude, in the most erotic way, Tablo’s fingers finding their way there and dip under the waistband just a little to hear the other groan his name. Tablo want to hear him make more noises, wants him to stutter, wants to fuck him raw between these sheets. He mutters the dirty, dark things he wants do to Hyukjae as he touches him and the kid whimpers some more.
They’ve both become shirtless, light sweat mixing in against each other’s saliva as their lips continue stealing escaped groans and eating them up. His groin literally starts aching with immediate desire, Tablo wants to take away the other’s innocence and keep it somewhere deep and hidden within him. When the other’s pants and boxers come off, Tablo make him close his eyes and keep them that way once his hand touches his cock.
In his dreams, it’s never about Hyukjae and always about him. It makes Tablo curious; he studies the younger one's expression closely into photographic memory as he starts stroking him off. Hyukjae’s nose scrunches up and the wrinkle lines around his clamped shut eyes become more severe as he makes noises that are such a turn-on, Tablo can feel pre-cum wetting against his sweatpants.
Tablo sucks on his bottom lip ravenously like a child who can’t get enough. Hyukjae starts to open his brown pupils and Tablo stops him. He covers them with the palm of his free hand and kisses him harder, more desperately as Hyukjae starts to shiver like he’s losing complete control of his body. His eyes, Tablo’s afraid what he’ll see once he looks into them. Or maybe even worse, what the other will see in his.
Hyukjae cums all over his fingers, hips jerking up a few more times before his lower back sinks back into the mattress. Sweat glistens, fucking glistens on his perfect, bare chest and Tablo appreciates the sinewy muscles of a dancer’s body as his vision continues to be enveloped by him. Adrenaline-laced power courses through him like no other indescribable rush as he thinks that at this moment Hyukjae’s on display just for him.
Damn. Tablo look into his eyes. Hyukjae wants to be owned. He wants to be thoroughly fucked and have the both of them literally smell of sex the next day. He wants them to belong exclusively to each other. He wants it all.
And he sees something he likes in Tablo’s blackened orbs indefinitely trapped in his intimate gaze. He’s fallen in too far, Tablo doesn’t know how to pull him back out. His hand touches the bulge in the front of the other’s sweatpants and Tablo breathes out his name. Hyukjae.
--
Hyukjae. His name is a mantra. Is like a morning bird’s song. Is an important word in Tablo’s life.
Not knowing how else to phrase it, Tablo touches the sheet with his awful scribbled handwriting once more before ripping it out from the notebook and stuffing it into his pants’ pocket.
When Hyukjae goes with him to the airport, they’re both equally awkwardly and fidgety. The last call for boarding is a shocking sound, cutting through their bubble of silent limbo. Hyukjae can’t hold in his fat tears that spill out and make messy puddles by his converse sneakers. Normally, that’d be an exaggeration but the kid really can cry and he hides the way his shoulder trembles as he bites back a sob quite pathetically.
“I’m not going to be gone forever, you know,” Tablo tries to sound lighthearted but it comes out morose anyways, hugging the other and patting him on the back, “…Take care, Hyukjae.”
The paper note crinkles softly and goes unnoticed as Tablo slips it into the other’s jacket pocket. Words he can’t express in person or in public, there they lie tucked away. He leaves to backpack through Europe and to learn about the world, Hyukjae waves goodbye until his arm is tired and the plane is an invisible dot in the clear sky.
He zips up his jacket and stuffs his hands into the pockets as he walks away, the sound of something crumbling catches him by surprise.
--
Emails are his lifeline for the first month, Hyukjae checks too many times a day to see if Tablo hyung has left another message. As time goes on, the emails get more rushed and shorter with quick explanations about it being hard to find internet cafes in some places and running low on money.
It’s a strain on Tablo, everything he sees and does and feels can’t possibly be captured into emails to a boy still too young to comprehend. Like getting high in Amsterdam or staying in London at a hostel and watching a local punk rock band play live until his ears temporarily goes deaf but he’s too happy and drunk to care because music is his life.
It’s a strain on Hyukjae, his college life in a foreign country that thus far has solely revolved around a man who's constantly up in the air getting further away from him and now the space between them seems so despairingly empty and he can hear his own echo. Just a tiny bit, that bitter part of him feels spiteful. Now that he’s been left behind to fend for himself…where does he start?
--
Hyukjae’s not much of a partier; he gets too nervous around girls and ends up saying really stupid things. But Sungmin always watches out for him, wrapping a protective arm around his shoulders and leading him away. They leave for a quieter place to spend the rest of Saturday night, a bar.
Drinking isn’t his forte either, he’s almost as bad as Donghae except he doesn’t get all touchy-feely and end up locking lips with other guys after literally a sip of alcohol. Which Kyuhyun only pretends to mind and then takes another shot like it’s nothing, but then no one says no to being groped by Donghae. Sungmin is the designated driver, the one who makes sure they don’t do extremely stupid shit in the middle of the street in the middle of the night.
These are his new friends, his closest friends who know he’s lovesick over this mythical man they’ve never seen nor met but they don’t like already. They are his way of passing time when time seemed to haven frozen in place. Somewhere along the way, he figured out that the note in his jacket pocket can’t stay there forever no matter how comforting.
The note isn’t a broken promise, it’s a cherished one he puts in a drawer in his room. It’s not that he thinks Tablo won’t return, of course he will eventually. Just…it just adds even more ambiguity and faded memories between them as time passes. He’s not sure if that adds more love or takes away more, he’s never been too good at math no matter how simple.
Counting isn’t hard though, he’s up to nine months and a few odd days but he’s too distracted by finals and moving in when he rents a house with his friends to count the details anymore. When he thinks he’s unhappy, he laughs until the feeling goes away, and when he’s happy, he lets himself think about Tablo hyung.
--
Hyung, hyung, hyung.
Hyung is coming back. That’s basically the gist of it because, really, nothing else matters. The postcard tells him all he needs to know. Days upon days pass, he’s counting them religiously again until he’s holding his phone so close to his ear that it squishes against the hard plastic.
“Hello?”
The voice, that voice is talking to him. Shouldn’t he feel happy? Then why does he feel like throwing up right now?
“O-okay, see you tonight.”
Tonight. That’s another promise.
--
“Well, what are your intentions with him?”
Tablo raises an eyebrow, hands stuffed deep into his pockets as he feels three sets of eyes burrowing into the back of his skull from his spot on the door step.
“I just wanted to-”
“So is this a date or what?” Sungmin narrows his pupils and his frown hardens.
“Huh? That’s-”
Donghae’s grin is all friendly as he throws in his two-cents, “Well, since it’s a date, you should pay for dinner and remember to open doors for him and why didn’t you bring flowers with you?”
“This is not-”
“I’m not a girl, you know!” Hyukjae snaps loudly from behind as he squeezes through the human barrier, “You guys are crazy, I’m leaving, bye!”
He basically ushers Tablo away in a rush right after making sure the door slams shut first, but that doesn’t prevent Kyuhyun from peering out the window, signaling with his fingers that he’d be watching.
“Sorry about that, they’re always doing weird stuff and it was just their idea of a lame joke so you can just ignore them,” Hyukjae finds himself rambling again so he stops.
His whole face is probably flushed as he tries not to look too obviously like he’s staring and taking long side-glances while the other’s driving. It’s awkward, he’s awkward and trying too hard not to show it. After all, it shouldn’t be like the first day they met all over again and he makes a fool out of himself.
“How are you?”
They both ask at once and end up laughing more out of jittery nerves than anything. Hyukjae thinks that’s a loaded question; he has many, many answers but none that can be spoke out loud.
“You look different, you look happy,” Tablo comments as they pull into a parking lot of a dingy diner that he loves, this is where he spent late nights contemplating life with a pen.
Hyukjae smiles, wishes Tablo could actually read what’s on his mind instead of just looking deceptively so, “You too, hyung.”
“The world is so big, Hyuk, I could spend the rest of my life traveling and I still wouldn’t see everything. Isn’t that amazing?” Tablo looks all starry-eyed as he mentions places and things the other has never even heard of.
“Are you going to keep traveling then? You seem to love it,” Hyukjae’s voice catches in his throat as he says it, but it’s barely even noticeable to anyone else.
Tablo smiles, “You could probably go whenever you wanted, not all of us are born in the lap of luxury, kid.”
“Money doesn’t buy everything,” Hyukjae answers back and he tries to shake off what’s obviously a harmless joke, but it continues to sting anyway.
“True, true, but it sure does run the world. It’s ugly but in some ways, people live and die for money,” Tablo continues after a sip of his coffee, “Contrived happiness is but a buck away, but of course there is never enough to go around. Greed feeds on greed and shallowness, isn’t that so?”
Hyukjae answers intermittently and his fingers play with the corners of the menu until they’re all curled up. It’s like he’s there but not there, they’re sitting and chatting but it’s so normal that it’s surreal and sickening. Everything that he feels, have felt, will feel is all bottled up inside into some sort of horrible mess and he practically chokes out his next words.
“I-I’ve got to go,” the strain in his voice is only too obvious as he fumbles to get out of his seat and the whole chair falls over as he makes his way blindly out the door.
It’s so silly, but he starts running as rapidly and as far as his feet will take him. Of course he’s fast, his body adjusts to the exertion like it’s just another small work-out and he’s able to disappear into the night so fluidly. He likes this feeling, whatever this is and it encourages his legs to pump even harder and his lungs to expand tightly against his chest as he keeps going.
Nothing can catch up to him, he’s invincible.
--
Exhaustion keeps him from thinking too hard because his days are filled to the brim. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Tablo hyung, he’s just too busy and his excuses sound completely legit even to his own ears. He’s pretty sure Tablo wants to apologize and he couldn’t be surer he doesn’t want to hear that, it’s his last bit of pride and, tightly, he hugs it close to his body for protection.
Now he doesn’t get lost on campus anymore, almost every pathway is familiar to him and he actually enjoys jogging through there on nights when he’s free or can’t clear his mind. Tonight is no different, the warm air embraces him and doesn’t let go. He takes two left turns and past the red brick buildings, not stopping as everything around him becomes a comfortable blur and the adrenaline is so high he feels the rush of life breathing into him.
Inevitably, he slows down to a hesitant stop when he sees a familiar individual coming out of a building door and, naturally, he smiles. This campus holds their memories, his love.
I know you, I’ve held up my whole life for you. I’m still waiting for you.
“Hyukjae-ah?”
Is that a mantra?
“Hyuk?”
Is that a morning bird’s song?
“Hyukjae!”
Is that an important word in your life?
“Hi, hyung,” Hyukjae finally murmurs and grins.
Tablo frowns, is worried as he grabs the other’s hands in his own, “You’re freezing, kid.”
“You’re here,” Hyukjae says it out loud as if he’s just realizing it himself, his hug is all encompassing as his smile widens and it’s like the weight on his shoulders is gone the moment they touch, “Welcome back.”
Maybe that much is enough.
--
Hyukjae is stretched out on the floor and glancing through the piles upon piles of photographs all randomly dispersed all around him. Pictures of all the sights Tablo has seen and it gives him a happy thrill to be able to take a peek into that life so far from his own.
Tablo’s right next to him, elbow to elbow, picking out the ones that have special meaning and pushing the rest to the side into an even bigger mess surrounding them. Enthralled in his own talking, he explains everything and Hyukjae’s possibly even more animated as he studies each one closely.
“You’re so great,” Tablo declares suddenly with his head hitched to the side and resting on his outstretched arm, peering over with a lazy grin, “I missed you.”
Hyukjae’s ears glow an obvious pink, he gradually stares back once he gathers up enough determination. He doesn’t know what to say. Me too? A thousand times over. Too much?
“I think I almost forgot how much I missed you when you’re not around,” Tablo says with a sheepish laugh, his whole face lit up and he wipes invisible dirt off of the other’s cheek.
Hyukjae smiles happily even though, truthfully, he’s not even sure what that means. His fingers are sticky against the glossy paper in his grasp and then he’s acutely aware of how warm it is in here. But then it is summer and this room is possibly even more cramped and crappier than Tablo’s last one.
Somehow, Tablo slips his hand into the other’s without making a fuss and embarrassing the both of them. They continue to share that look between them like there’s no rush, there’s nowhere else to be.
“I was so worried when I looked everywhere and I couldn’t find you. Why’d you run out?” It comes out more as a statement than anything, Tablo murmuring it softly like a lullaby and like he already knows why. But genius is the question to all answers.
“Probably because I didn’t run home, you couldn’t find me,” Hyukjae ponders lethargically and he’s more relaxed than he’s probably ever been as his words just float out, “I went through campus instead.”
When he tips his head to the side like he’s still thinking, lips are against his own so softly that at first it doesn’t even feel real. But the photos sticky against his forearm are too real and he kisses back with as much feeling and sincerity as he can muster.
Maybe this is so much more.
Fin.
Characters: Tablo/Hyukjae
Author: elliebear128 (formerly elmersglue128)
Rating: NC-17 (explicit sexuality, language)
Length: one-shot
Words: 4,694
Dedicated: to slarya (Happy Birthday, darling~ ), madelyn93 (Happy month-early Birthday! B/c it's my last, here's to you too, bb~)
Summary: [college!verse] Hyukjae is a freshman international student at an American university and Tablo is the senior he keeps conveniently bumping into on campus until they both can't stay away.
Notes: My last blohyuk fic T_T Excuse the typos/badgrammar/not-remembering-how-to-write-blohyuk @_@
Tablo’s walking through campus lazily because it’s been damn long since he first attended orientation a.k.a. "freshmen forced fun" himself. Too many years to count and he’s finally graduating for good in a few months. So what the hell is he still doing on campus on a Saturday afternoon?
Oh, right. His mind flashes back to last night and Tukutz in a moment of not so temporary insanity mixed vodka and soju with beer (and Mithra brought over a mixer to make appletinis but he didn't calling them that because that’d be too girly). Tablo did not drink the deadly concoction before puking into the sink and crashing on the floor.
Instead, he’s been covering Tukutz’s ass for the last few hours and working his shift for him. How Tukutz even landed this position as orientation leader for the summer is a damn mystery. Now it’s been half an hour of fruitless searching because some freshman idiot has strayed away from the group and Tablo can’t find him anywhere.
Vaguely, he remembers this kid’s face and has been calling his name amongst other things in Korean to just about every guy he’s seen and getting the I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-that-shit-is-but-fuck-you-better-not-try-anything-funny stares in return. You’d almost think he was soliciting kinky sex right then and there on the ground or something. Tablo scorns heavily as he looks at the name circled on his clipboard and he can’t stand the idiot already. Lee Hyukjae, where the hell are you?
There’s someone lying under one of the cherry blossom trees in the otherwise deserted courtyard. He’s still too far away to see anything, but immediately recognizes the lump of limps right away. An obvious rich boy even from the distance with a torso covered under an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt and an arm casually flung over the eyes.
Tablo walks up until he’s examining him from the side, scowling harder once he notice the Louie Vuitton backpack the kid’s got his head resting on and the iPod nano with his name inscribed on it playing a hip-hop song loudly from his earphones. Then he feels like leaving the rich brat there and pretend he couldn’t find him, it’s lunch time already anyways and he’s starving.
Right then, Hyukjae wakes up and stares back with a smile on his lips and Tablo’s caught in the act of trying to escape. He hops up agilely and gathers his stuff, falling into step with the elder and explaining earnestly about trying to find the restroom and taking a wrong turn and walking endlessly until finally settling down under that tree.
His eyes are wide and his mouth scrunched in confusion, as if his own words and actions are confounding to himself. They’ve probably been playing hide-and-go-seek for so long, he’s been going around asking for Tablo and racking his brain for the English words he knows, including the few odd ones Tukutz previously taught the kid as a joke because this job is fucking miserable. Hyukjae asks why he got such nasty looks when he tells a girl he says he "has a serious problem, gonorrhea”. Tukutz told him gonorrhea is the formal term for having gone somewhere and getting lost.
"What? W-what's wrong, hyung?"
Tablo lets his mouth hang open for a moment before cracking up and Hyukjae’s repeating that same sentence, asking self-consciously if he’s saying it wrong and pronouncing each word even more slowly. Tablo doesn’t correct him and completely forget he’s annoyed with him.
The kid totters after him, his feet moving faster than the rest of his body and he’s all happy again. He’s left with his group to eat lunch and Tablo sees the bastard Tukutz strolling towards him with sunglasses still on, he’s completely guiltless but very hung over. Tablo gives him the finger when he passes by with a grin.
--
Tablo sees him. Everywhere.
Campus is very large, enormously large with a hundred buildings divided into thousands of hallways all individually named after some rich dead guy with money donated in his name. Hyukjae gets lost. Every day. That is not surprising.
The fact that he always manages to sheepishly bump headfirst into Tablo’s chest every single time and have him dragging the kid to the right room is fucking amazing. Hyukjae always clunks down into his seat, waving energetically goodbye.
He’s so naive. Tablo’s just waiting for the day some jackass takes advantage of that kid. But he’s no hero or role model though; he’s got my own shit to worry about. Like making sure he actually graduates in time and getting the hell out of here on the 8am flight to Europe. The ticket’s actually hot in his wallet, he take it everywhere with him as motivation to focus until the bitter end.
When Hyukjae tries to thank him by offering to buy lunch, he wants to be a bastard and tell him to stay the fuck away instead as his thanks. The words form perfectly sinister inside my head but he looks at Tablo with those innocent doe eyes, he breaks like a weak twig and agree to it like his brain and his mouth are no longer connected.
They eat in his dorm building, in that crappy cafeteria where all the other flocks of noisy freshmen gather in obnoxious groups. There’s some sort of goopy noodles on his plate that he pushes around with his fork and Hyukjae’s just eating it up with a perfectly elated smile on his face.
His eyelashes flutter constantly as he looks down on his food, making direct eye contact for mere seconds at a time before shying away. It’s not often that Tablo see something like this (even with girls), but he knows what it is right away. A crush, the kid has some sort of childish boy-crush on him. It’s pretty obvious, his pupils literally sparkle as he speaks in embarrassed, rambling sentences.
Tablo can’t help but grin back, it strokes his ego and secretly makes him feel all good inside. Just like that, he lets Hyukjae tag along everywhere. Why? Hell if he knows.
--
One time, they’re just listening to some hip-hop mixes on his ancient CD player in Tablo’s cheap-ass apartment shared with four other guys. At least the room is all to himself, even if it’s the crappy one squished up in the attic that literally only fits a mattress on the floor next to a small dresser with all his junk in messy piles.
Hyukjae looks completely out of place, like a jewel jammed amongst ordinary rocks as he sits on the bed with his expensive clothes and watch and shoes. It makes Tablo wonder what the hell he sees here that’s so great for him to keep coming by every day, everything he owns is as washed-out and old as he is.
Hyukjae has a natural talent for moving to the beat, it’s the way his whole chest moves as they listen to a song and he always has this sweet smile once it ends and they share a look. It’s so sweet, like candy and Tablo feels all disoriented like he’s drunk too much because he thinks he wants a taste.
That’s sick, he frowns and gets moody and starts snapping at everything Hyukjae says. He’s just a stupid kid making him be stupid.
--
It’s after that time, Tablo starts having these fucked-up dreams.
The room is dark; he’s got his mouth and tongue all over Hyukjae while the both of them are so utterly naked and hot against each other, like he can feel the steamy condensation on their skin. The kid’s unbelievably soft fingers are on his cock, stroking him off and his own erection is so stiff against Tablo’s thigh. Their mouths meet up roughly and he can immediately taste the saccharine lacing the other’s swollen lips as he licks the sugary substance that is Hyukjae like an insatiable monster.
Tablo wakes up gasping in stale air and struggling to untangle himself from the bed sheets, a burning hard-on under his pajama bottoms drawing him to reality. But the images swirl continuously inside his head, Hyukjae’s pale skin against his lips and that warm, dragging hand on his cock drives his own hand underneath his pants.
He hears Hyukjae groaning out his name with that shy, innocent voice and he jerks himself off until sticky, white liquid empties onto his fingers. After the shock, he stands under the shower for an hour trying to make sense of the illogical thoughts inside his head. It’s pathetic but he starts buying porno magazines of the sluttiest girls with big, busty chests just to prove a point to himself.
When Hyukjae accidently finds a pile of them in a drawer where the blank CDs should be, he curiously starts glancing through one until Tablo returns from the bathroom. He turns bright red with his mouth open in guilt-ridden shock before he fumbles to shove everything back in where they belong. He’s bright red when he realizes he still needs to grab a CD and sheepishly smiles as he reaches back inside for one.
That night, Tablo leaves the window cracked open because the air is so warm before uneasily falling asleep. He dreams again of Hyukjae, his hot pinkish mouth a perfect “o” around his cock and sucking him hard and wet with his amazing tongue as he licks sweet lines over the slit.
Hands massage his thighs as Hyukjae jams the whole thing to the back of his throat, pulling half-way out and licking like a lollipop while his adolescent eyes peer up. Tablo’s hips are trembling, his cock numbing with dense shivers as he groans loudly and shoves half of his face into the cottony fabric of the pillow.
When Tablo’s eyes snap open, he urgently sits up soaked in a thick sheen of perspiration and momentarily tries to ignore the stickiness inside the front of his boxers. He runs his fingers through his hair in disbelief, trying to even out his breathing.
--
It’s hard to push Hyukjae away when he smiles, when it’s so clear the kid’s in love with him. Is it wrong to be in lust only? Tablo just wants him, he doesn’t need him. At least that’s what he tells himself. Europe is his escape, not Hyukjae.
When they finally kiss, it’s because he has such a pretty mouth and Tablo just wanted a taste of it. Hyukjae tenses up, like his held breath catches in his throat until Tablo lures it out.
Hyukjae’s lips are pliant and smooth yet eager and clumsy, pressing against the other’s until a tongue traces a wet line daring for entrance. He lets him in easily; Tablo can feel the velvety walls inside all minty and fresh like the kid literally eats a whole box of mints right before they meet.
Tablo guides him on the bed, his bed, before he holds onto his shoulders after brushing a stray hair out of his eyes. Waiting for the moment when he tries to stumble out a sentence, pink-tinted cheeks and all, Tablo steals his words from him when he places a hand against his chest with only a thin layer of cotton in between their bare skin. Tablo refuses to give anything back, like everything is his as he pulls that shirt up and licks every inch of exposed skin like it’s only his.
Hyukjae’s gasps are so sexy, half whiny and all delirious, as he draw lines around his nipples with the tip of his tongue and the pad of his thumb. Tablo loves how flat his chest is, how predominant his collarbones are, as he make his way up the neck and to the spot behind the ear that causes his hips to jerk in reaction.
His hips bones also protrude, in the most erotic way, Tablo’s fingers finding their way there and dip under the waistband just a little to hear the other groan his name. Tablo want to hear him make more noises, wants him to stutter, wants to fuck him raw between these sheets. He mutters the dirty, dark things he wants do to Hyukjae as he touches him and the kid whimpers some more.
They’ve both become shirtless, light sweat mixing in against each other’s saliva as their lips continue stealing escaped groans and eating them up. His groin literally starts aching with immediate desire, Tablo wants to take away the other’s innocence and keep it somewhere deep and hidden within him. When the other’s pants and boxers come off, Tablo make him close his eyes and keep them that way once his hand touches his cock.
In his dreams, it’s never about Hyukjae and always about him. It makes Tablo curious; he studies the younger one's expression closely into photographic memory as he starts stroking him off. Hyukjae’s nose scrunches up and the wrinkle lines around his clamped shut eyes become more severe as he makes noises that are such a turn-on, Tablo can feel pre-cum wetting against his sweatpants.
Tablo sucks on his bottom lip ravenously like a child who can’t get enough. Hyukjae starts to open his brown pupils and Tablo stops him. He covers them with the palm of his free hand and kisses him harder, more desperately as Hyukjae starts to shiver like he’s losing complete control of his body. His eyes, Tablo’s afraid what he’ll see once he looks into them. Or maybe even worse, what the other will see in his.
Hyukjae cums all over his fingers, hips jerking up a few more times before his lower back sinks back into the mattress. Sweat glistens, fucking glistens on his perfect, bare chest and Tablo appreciates the sinewy muscles of a dancer’s body as his vision continues to be enveloped by him. Adrenaline-laced power courses through him like no other indescribable rush as he thinks that at this moment Hyukjae’s on display just for him.
Damn. Tablo look into his eyes. Hyukjae wants to be owned. He wants to be thoroughly fucked and have the both of them literally smell of sex the next day. He wants them to belong exclusively to each other. He wants it all.
And he sees something he likes in Tablo’s blackened orbs indefinitely trapped in his intimate gaze. He’s fallen in too far, Tablo doesn’t know how to pull him back out. His hand touches the bulge in the front of the other’s sweatpants and Tablo breathes out his name. Hyukjae.
--
Hyukjae. His name is a mantra. Is like a morning bird’s song. Is an important word in Tablo’s life.
Not knowing how else to phrase it, Tablo touches the sheet with his awful scribbled handwriting once more before ripping it out from the notebook and stuffing it into his pants’ pocket.
When Hyukjae goes with him to the airport, they’re both equally awkwardly and fidgety. The last call for boarding is a shocking sound, cutting through their bubble of silent limbo. Hyukjae can’t hold in his fat tears that spill out and make messy puddles by his converse sneakers. Normally, that’d be an exaggeration but the kid really can cry and he hides the way his shoulder trembles as he bites back a sob quite pathetically.
“I’m not going to be gone forever, you know,” Tablo tries to sound lighthearted but it comes out morose anyways, hugging the other and patting him on the back, “…Take care, Hyukjae.”
The paper note crinkles softly and goes unnoticed as Tablo slips it into the other’s jacket pocket. Words he can’t express in person or in public, there they lie tucked away. He leaves to backpack through Europe and to learn about the world, Hyukjae waves goodbye until his arm is tired and the plane is an invisible dot in the clear sky.
He zips up his jacket and stuffs his hands into the pockets as he walks away, the sound of something crumbling catches him by surprise.
--
Emails are his lifeline for the first month, Hyukjae checks too many times a day to see if Tablo hyung has left another message. As time goes on, the emails get more rushed and shorter with quick explanations about it being hard to find internet cafes in some places and running low on money.
It’s a strain on Tablo, everything he sees and does and feels can’t possibly be captured into emails to a boy still too young to comprehend. Like getting high in Amsterdam or staying in London at a hostel and watching a local punk rock band play live until his ears temporarily goes deaf but he’s too happy and drunk to care because music is his life.
It’s a strain on Hyukjae, his college life in a foreign country that thus far has solely revolved around a man who's constantly up in the air getting further away from him and now the space between them seems so despairingly empty and he can hear his own echo. Just a tiny bit, that bitter part of him feels spiteful. Now that he’s been left behind to fend for himself…where does he start?
--
Hyukjae’s not much of a partier; he gets too nervous around girls and ends up saying really stupid things. But Sungmin always watches out for him, wrapping a protective arm around his shoulders and leading him away. They leave for a quieter place to spend the rest of Saturday night, a bar.
Drinking isn’t his forte either, he’s almost as bad as Donghae except he doesn’t get all touchy-feely and end up locking lips with other guys after literally a sip of alcohol. Which Kyuhyun only pretends to mind and then takes another shot like it’s nothing, but then no one says no to being groped by Donghae. Sungmin is the designated driver, the one who makes sure they don’t do extremely stupid shit in the middle of the street in the middle of the night.
These are his new friends, his closest friends who know he’s lovesick over this mythical man they’ve never seen nor met but they don’t like already. They are his way of passing time when time seemed to haven frozen in place. Somewhere along the way, he figured out that the note in his jacket pocket can’t stay there forever no matter how comforting.
The note isn’t a broken promise, it’s a cherished one he puts in a drawer in his room. It’s not that he thinks Tablo won’t return, of course he will eventually. Just…it just adds even more ambiguity and faded memories between them as time passes. He’s not sure if that adds more love or takes away more, he’s never been too good at math no matter how simple.
Counting isn’t hard though, he’s up to nine months and a few odd days but he’s too distracted by finals and moving in when he rents a house with his friends to count the details anymore. When he thinks he’s unhappy, he laughs until the feeling goes away, and when he’s happy, he lets himself think about Tablo hyung.
--
Hyung, hyung, hyung.
Hyung is coming back. That’s basically the gist of it because, really, nothing else matters. The postcard tells him all he needs to know. Days upon days pass, he’s counting them religiously again until he’s holding his phone so close to his ear that it squishes against the hard plastic.
“Hello?”
The voice, that voice is talking to him. Shouldn’t he feel happy? Then why does he feel like throwing up right now?
“O-okay, see you tonight.”
Tonight. That’s another promise.
--
“Well, what are your intentions with him?”
Tablo raises an eyebrow, hands stuffed deep into his pockets as he feels three sets of eyes burrowing into the back of his skull from his spot on the door step.
“I just wanted to-”
“So is this a date or what?” Sungmin narrows his pupils and his frown hardens.
“Huh? That’s-”
Donghae’s grin is all friendly as he throws in his two-cents, “Well, since it’s a date, you should pay for dinner and remember to open doors for him and why didn’t you bring flowers with you?”
“This is not-”
“I’m not a girl, you know!” Hyukjae snaps loudly from behind as he squeezes through the human barrier, “You guys are crazy, I’m leaving, bye!”
He basically ushers Tablo away in a rush right after making sure the door slams shut first, but that doesn’t prevent Kyuhyun from peering out the window, signaling with his fingers that he’d be watching.
“Sorry about that, they’re always doing weird stuff and it was just their idea of a lame joke so you can just ignore them,” Hyukjae finds himself rambling again so he stops.
His whole face is probably flushed as he tries not to look too obviously like he’s staring and taking long side-glances while the other’s driving. It’s awkward, he’s awkward and trying too hard not to show it. After all, it shouldn’t be like the first day they met all over again and he makes a fool out of himself.
“How are you?”
They both ask at once and end up laughing more out of jittery nerves than anything. Hyukjae thinks that’s a loaded question; he has many, many answers but none that can be spoke out loud.
“You look different, you look happy,” Tablo comments as they pull into a parking lot of a dingy diner that he loves, this is where he spent late nights contemplating life with a pen.
Hyukjae smiles, wishes Tablo could actually read what’s on his mind instead of just looking deceptively so, “You too, hyung.”
“The world is so big, Hyuk, I could spend the rest of my life traveling and I still wouldn’t see everything. Isn’t that amazing?” Tablo looks all starry-eyed as he mentions places and things the other has never even heard of.
“Are you going to keep traveling then? You seem to love it,” Hyukjae’s voice catches in his throat as he says it, but it’s barely even noticeable to anyone else.
Tablo smiles, “You could probably go whenever you wanted, not all of us are born in the lap of luxury, kid.”
“Money doesn’t buy everything,” Hyukjae answers back and he tries to shake off what’s obviously a harmless joke, but it continues to sting anyway.
“True, true, but it sure does run the world. It’s ugly but in some ways, people live and die for money,” Tablo continues after a sip of his coffee, “Contrived happiness is but a buck away, but of course there is never enough to go around. Greed feeds on greed and shallowness, isn’t that so?”
Hyukjae answers intermittently and his fingers play with the corners of the menu until they’re all curled up. It’s like he’s there but not there, they’re sitting and chatting but it’s so normal that it’s surreal and sickening. Everything that he feels, have felt, will feel is all bottled up inside into some sort of horrible mess and he practically chokes out his next words.
“I-I’ve got to go,” the strain in his voice is only too obvious as he fumbles to get out of his seat and the whole chair falls over as he makes his way blindly out the door.
It’s so silly, but he starts running as rapidly and as far as his feet will take him. Of course he’s fast, his body adjusts to the exertion like it’s just another small work-out and he’s able to disappear into the night so fluidly. He likes this feeling, whatever this is and it encourages his legs to pump even harder and his lungs to expand tightly against his chest as he keeps going.
Nothing can catch up to him, he’s invincible.
--
Exhaustion keeps him from thinking too hard because his days are filled to the brim. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Tablo hyung, he’s just too busy and his excuses sound completely legit even to his own ears. He’s pretty sure Tablo wants to apologize and he couldn’t be surer he doesn’t want to hear that, it’s his last bit of pride and, tightly, he hugs it close to his body for protection.
Now he doesn’t get lost on campus anymore, almost every pathway is familiar to him and he actually enjoys jogging through there on nights when he’s free or can’t clear his mind. Tonight is no different, the warm air embraces him and doesn’t let go. He takes two left turns and past the red brick buildings, not stopping as everything around him becomes a comfortable blur and the adrenaline is so high he feels the rush of life breathing into him.
Inevitably, he slows down to a hesitant stop when he sees a familiar individual coming out of a building door and, naturally, he smiles. This campus holds their memories, his love.
I know you, I’ve held up my whole life for you. I’m still waiting for you.
“Hyukjae-ah?”
Is that a mantra?
“Hyuk?”
Is that a morning bird’s song?
“Hyukjae!”
Is that an important word in your life?
“Hi, hyung,” Hyukjae finally murmurs and grins.
Tablo frowns, is worried as he grabs the other’s hands in his own, “You’re freezing, kid.”
“You’re here,” Hyukjae says it out loud as if he’s just realizing it himself, his hug is all encompassing as his smile widens and it’s like the weight on his shoulders is gone the moment they touch, “Welcome back.”
Maybe that much is enough.
--
Hyukjae is stretched out on the floor and glancing through the piles upon piles of photographs all randomly dispersed all around him. Pictures of all the sights Tablo has seen and it gives him a happy thrill to be able to take a peek into that life so far from his own.
Tablo’s right next to him, elbow to elbow, picking out the ones that have special meaning and pushing the rest to the side into an even bigger mess surrounding them. Enthralled in his own talking, he explains everything and Hyukjae’s possibly even more animated as he studies each one closely.
“You’re so great,” Tablo declares suddenly with his head hitched to the side and resting on his outstretched arm, peering over with a lazy grin, “I missed you.”
Hyukjae’s ears glow an obvious pink, he gradually stares back once he gathers up enough determination. He doesn’t know what to say. Me too? A thousand times over. Too much?
“I think I almost forgot how much I missed you when you’re not around,” Tablo says with a sheepish laugh, his whole face lit up and he wipes invisible dirt off of the other’s cheek.
Hyukjae smiles happily even though, truthfully, he’s not even sure what that means. His fingers are sticky against the glossy paper in his grasp and then he’s acutely aware of how warm it is in here. But then it is summer and this room is possibly even more cramped and crappier than Tablo’s last one.
Somehow, Tablo slips his hand into the other’s without making a fuss and embarrassing the both of them. They continue to share that look between them like there’s no rush, there’s nowhere else to be.
“I was so worried when I looked everywhere and I couldn’t find you. Why’d you run out?” It comes out more as a statement than anything, Tablo murmuring it softly like a lullaby and like he already knows why. But genius is the question to all answers.
“Probably because I didn’t run home, you couldn’t find me,” Hyukjae ponders lethargically and he’s more relaxed than he’s probably ever been as his words just float out, “I went through campus instead.”
When he tips his head to the side like he’s still thinking, lips are against his own so softly that at first it doesn’t even feel real. But the photos sticky against his forearm are too real and he kisses back with as much feeling and sincerity as he can muster.
Maybe this is so much more.
Fin.