This Empty Life
Title: This Empty Life
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13 maybe?
Word Count: 2300
Disclaimer: I can only fantasize that this is really going on. Alas, it's not. Unless it is, and if so, I want photographic evidence, dammit!
Summary: AU. Jensen's life hasn't turned out the way he expected, but maybe it's starting to look up.
A/N 1: Post 2 of 3. :p Thanks to ms_soma for the beta. <3
Jensen’s only loved 2.5 people in his life. The first was his babysitter when he was 5, before he really knew what love meant, so he really doesn’t count her. His real first love was his high school boyfriend--smart, adorable, dorky, full of dimples and smiles and too much energy. Perfect. And the last one was the asshole who broke up with him six months ago. After two fucking years together. Okay, so maybe he’s still a little bitter about it. The jerk broke up with Jensen over dumb shit like the way Jensen folded laundry and left dirty towels in the bathroom. After two years together.
“Yeah, that’s a real pisser,” the bartender says once Jensen sputters to a halt. “I think it’s time I cut you off, though,” he continues, collecting Jensen’s latest empty tumbler and tossing the bright white towel over his skinny shoulder.
Jensen pouts, then tries to shrug casually, like it doesn’t matter. Like he’s not in some anonymous bar in some anonymous city somewhere in Middle America. Like he’s not trying to drink away his exhaustion and pissy mood.
“Fine. Just settle my tab then,” Jensen replies, just managing not to snap. Maybe it is time he quits for the night. It’s not the bartender’s fault Jensen hates his life. He doesn’t know how to curb his attitude anymore, though.
Shit. He needs to make a change before he becomes bitter and angry like his dad, before he’s all alone or dead of a heart attack before he turns 30.
***
Jensen used to have goals. Nothing outrageous like an astronaut or president, but realistic goals for a skinny kid from small town Texas. He was smart, not as smart as some of his friends, not smart enough for a full scholarship to a fancy school on the other side of the country in New England, but smart enough to get by.
He’d planned to get a degree and teach, maybe coach softball or lacrosse. But as so often happens, life punched him in the face, took away his mother and any money for tuition, and left him with a grieving father who checked out of his responsibilities and a teenage sister that resented him acting like her parent.
He got work where he could, took care of Mackenzie when she didn’t shut him out, and got on with living, even if he was miserable 90% of the time.
Craig was the one bright spot in the monotonous hellhole of his life, but since that’s gone to shit as well, he doesn’t have much to keep him going.
***
Mackenzie’s waiting for him at the airport when Jensen gets off the plane. In the last year, she’s grown up a lot and settled down from the absolute terror she used to be. Jensen often thought she was demon-possessed as a teen, with all the shit she put him through. He thanks college for her newfound maturity. They’re closer now than they’ve ever been before.
“Hey!” she greets, bouncing on her toes until he gets close enough for a quick hug. She’s still too skinny and has new red streaks in her hair, and she may still give him an ulcer someday, but she’s all he has left. He loves her, despite it all. “How was it?” she asks as they head to her car, an ancient Corolla that was old when Jensen learned to drive in it at 16.
“Same as always.” Jensen shrugs, then tosses his bag into the backseat. “Mind-numbing, boring, and predictable.” The first time his boss sent him to a conference, he’d been excited, happy to get out of Texas if nothing else, but it’d been sadly disappointing then and even worse now. There’s only so much new information about the heating and cooling industry. He has no idea why they have yearly conferences, especially when it’s never in an exciting place people would want to actually vacation to.
“Were you always this cynical? Jesus.”
“No, I learned it from you,” he answers, rolling his eyes. “And watch your mouth.”
Mackenzie huffs and throws the car in reverse, ignoring him as usual. “So I want to stop somewhere on the way home. Is that okay?”
Sighing, Jensen closes his eyes and leans his head back against the seat. “Can’t it wait? I’m exhausted, Mac.”
“Oh, trust me. This is as much for you as it is for me.”
Jensen cracks one eye open in time to see her smirk at him. “I don’t have the energy for your bullshit,” he tells her. He’s grumpy as all hell and he knows it, but he’s never tempered his tone for her. Maybe that’s one of their many problems.
“Whatever. Humor me, just this once. And watch your mouth,” she adds, bratty as always.
“Fine.”
***
He naps on the way to wherever they’re going. There isn’t an airport in their tiny town, of course, so it’s a long drive. The sleep helps him gain a bit of equilibrium, but he’d rather go straight home to the cramped apartment he shares with Mackenzie when she’s home on school breaks like now. Whatever Mackenzie wants to show him, he’d prefer to see it after a shower and a meal more substantial than airplane pretzels and a greasy breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s.
There’s a strip mall on the outskirts of town, across from the bank and next to the mechanics. Once full of stores, it fell into disuse and disrepair a decade ago. It became a hangout for kids skipping school and delinquents of all kinds. It showed in the constantly broken windows and graffiti sprayed everywhere. Recently, though, businesses have started trickling back in, first a nail salon, followed quickly by a dollar store and pizza place. A new steak restaurant opened a week or so before Jensen left for his conference.
Mackenzie pulls into a spot right in front and cuts the engine, slanting him a look that’s far too amused and smug for someone her age.
“Really, Mac? I’ve had steak before,” he snarks. “What’s so special about--”
“Quit whining and come inside,” she interrupts, smacking his arm.
Jensen sighs, then climbs out of the car.
Inside, the Stone Table turns out to be more upscale than a Longhorn or Outback but not quite a 5-star restaurant. Not that Jensen’s ever been to a 5-star restaurant or anything even close. It’s early afternoon, so it’s mostly empty, only three tables occupied by businessmen and an older couple. The décor is simple, minimalist black, white, and dark red. It’s all new and still shiny and clean, unused. He imagines it’ll look less polished as time goes on, if it stays in business.
Mackenzie’s eyes light up as someone comes through the kitchen, and she bounces on her toes, beaming in a way Jensen hasn’t seen in a long time. Jensen catches a glimpse of a spotless and busy kitchen before his gaze snaps back to the man approaching them. A smile and a pair of dimples are enough to send him back 10 years to high school, to the days when the whole world was open to him and he was experiencing the wonder of first love.
“JT?” he blurts, feeling unbalanced and wrong-footed.
“Oh, wow. No one’s called me that in years,” Jared answers, flushing slightly. “Hi, Jensen.” His voice goes soft on Jensen’s name, like it always did.
He remembers the last time he saw Jared, the night before Jared left for college on the other side of the country. Jared cried openly; Jensen waited till he got home that night to give in to his tears. He was the one being left behind, after all. He knew they wouldn’t stay in touch, that the distance would be too great for them, despite Jared’s promises to the contrary. This Jared, the one standing in front of him now, is so like the boy he once snuck off with to kiss behind the school. The hair is longer, the muscles more defined, and he’s now a few inches taller than Jensen, but the smile and face are the same. Still beautiful. Especially like this, in a sharp charcoal suit and bright red tie.
“What are you doing here?” He’d thought--and hoped--that once Jared escaped their dying town he wouldn’t come back. Jared deserved better. He deserved everything.
“Oh, I’m the business manager/accountant/there’s no one else so make Jared do it.”
Mackenzie barks out a loud laugh, then covers her mouth with her hand, but Jensen’s still reeling and too busy staring at Jared to even process his words.
“It’s amazing, Jared,” Mackenzie says. “Elle brought me here a few days ago. You’ll have to come back and try the food, Jen. It’s really good.”
Jensen should yell at her for springing this on him when he’s tired and straight off a plane, but then Jared turns to him with a slightly shy smile and says, “We should go for a beer sometime. Catch up.”
“Yeah, that’d be good,” Jensen replies, though he doesn’t think Jared will want to hear about his shitty life.
“Here.” Jared fishes his wallet out and pulls out a business card, then scribbles something on the back. “That’s my cell number. Call me sometime.”
Jensen fingers the card, thumb brushing over Jared’s name and fancy title, printed in plain black script on white cardstock. He always knew Jared would go far in life, but he never expected Jared to outdistance him quite this much.
Someone calls Jared’s name from the kitchen, and Jensen promises to call as Jared excuses himself with a shrug and a smile.
Back in the car, Jensen faces Mackenzie and frowns. “What the hell was that about?” he demands.
“Saw him when Elle and I were there. I thought you’d like to see him. I know you two were close, and I know you never would’ve gone on your own.”
Close. Jensen grits his teeth and remembers that Mackenzie was too young back then to realize how close he and Jared were. What would she say if he told her Jared was his first kiss, his first everything?
“Thanks,” he says eventually.
***
Despite being dead tired, Jensen lies awake that night, thinking of his past and Jared and how happy he used to be, of how Mackenzie’s doing something with her life, even if she hasn’t settled on a major yet. He thinks about his future or lack thereof and how it really will kill him if he keeps doing this for the next 15 or 29 years. Maybe it’s time he claws out of this rut he’s been in.
The next day, Jensen finally drags himself out of bed sometime after 1 p.m. He eats his breakfast while Mackenzie has lunch. He feels better after some solid sleep, grateful he has the day off.
“So,” he says, pushing his empty cereal bowl away and sitting back in his chair. “I’m going back to school.”
Mackenzie pauses with her fork halfway to her mouth, lips parted in a perfect O of surprise. She recovers quickly, though, and sets her fork down on her plate.
“Are you shitting me?” she asks, eyebrow arched.
“No. And watch your mouth.”
“That’s awesome, Jen!”
He hopes so. He has no idea where he’s going to find the time or money or what he wants to study this go-round, but it’s a step toward doing something with his life. Hopefully it won’t blow up in his face.
***
Jared is still sweet and funny and kind. He still blushes at compliments and giggles like a preteen girl. He still eats more than two normal people. The impeccable table manners are new, as is the way he’s easily put back half a dozen beers. Jensen’s matched him drink for drink. He blames that for what he does next.
Sliding his hand into Jared’s soft hair, Jensen pulls him down into a kiss. Jared gasps in surprise but immediately falls into it. He crowds close to Jensen, one large hand cupping the side of Jensen’s neck and the other gripping his hip.
Jared still kisses the same, wild and enthusiastic, though there’s more finesse in it now, and he’s learned to do something fantastic with his tongue. Jensen wants to do this for hours, just this, like they used to, spread out in the bed of Jared’s truck in a spot no one knew about, because being gay at their school was unheard of.
A loud burst of laughter abruptly reminds Jensen that they’re in the middle of a bar. People may be more tolerant nowadays, but that doesn’t mean nobody will give them shit for making out in the open like that.
He pulls back reluctantly, a little smug when he sees how hard Jared’s breathing. His hair’s a mess from Jensen’s fingers, his lips kiss-red and swollen, and Jensen has to think of a naked old woman so he doesn’t get embarrassingly hard in public.
Jared caresses a hand across Jensen’s cheek, his touch so gentle that Jensen has to swallow the sudden lump in his throat.
“I’ve been waiting to do that for the past 10 years,” Jared admits quietly.
“Me too,” Jensen replies, leaning in for a quick press of their mouths. Screw anyone here that doesn’t like it. “I’d invite you back to my place but--”
“Mackenzie,” Jared finishes for him. “That’s okay. I just happen to have a whole house to myself. Wanna see it?”
Jared’s filthy grin is infectious, and Jensen smiles back widely. He doubts he’ll see much of Jared’s house tonight.
***
As they leave the bar, walking close so their arms brush on every other step, Jensen can’t help thinking that this is a sign that things are finally looking up for him. When Jared tangles their fingers together, he knows it.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13 maybe?
Word Count: 2300
Disclaimer: I can only fantasize that this is really going on. Alas, it's not. Unless it is, and if so, I want photographic evidence, dammit!
Summary: AU. Jensen's life hasn't turned out the way he expected, but maybe it's starting to look up.
A/N 1: Post 2 of 3. :p Thanks to ms_soma for the beta. <3
Jensen’s only loved 2.5 people in his life. The first was his babysitter when he was 5, before he really knew what love meant, so he really doesn’t count her. His real first love was his high school boyfriend--smart, adorable, dorky, full of dimples and smiles and too much energy. Perfect. And the last one was the asshole who broke up with him six months ago. After two fucking years together. Okay, so maybe he’s still a little bitter about it. The jerk broke up with Jensen over dumb shit like the way Jensen folded laundry and left dirty towels in the bathroom. After two years together.
“Yeah, that’s a real pisser,” the bartender says once Jensen sputters to a halt. “I think it’s time I cut you off, though,” he continues, collecting Jensen’s latest empty tumbler and tossing the bright white towel over his skinny shoulder.
Jensen pouts, then tries to shrug casually, like it doesn’t matter. Like he’s not in some anonymous bar in some anonymous city somewhere in Middle America. Like he’s not trying to drink away his exhaustion and pissy mood.
“Fine. Just settle my tab then,” Jensen replies, just managing not to snap. Maybe it is time he quits for the night. It’s not the bartender’s fault Jensen hates his life. He doesn’t know how to curb his attitude anymore, though.
Shit. He needs to make a change before he becomes bitter and angry like his dad, before he’s all alone or dead of a heart attack before he turns 30.
***
Jensen used to have goals. Nothing outrageous like an astronaut or president, but realistic goals for a skinny kid from small town Texas. He was smart, not as smart as some of his friends, not smart enough for a full scholarship to a fancy school on the other side of the country in New England, but smart enough to get by.
He’d planned to get a degree and teach, maybe coach softball or lacrosse. But as so often happens, life punched him in the face, took away his mother and any money for tuition, and left him with a grieving father who checked out of his responsibilities and a teenage sister that resented him acting like her parent.
He got work where he could, took care of Mackenzie when she didn’t shut him out, and got on with living, even if he was miserable 90% of the time.
Craig was the one bright spot in the monotonous hellhole of his life, but since that’s gone to shit as well, he doesn’t have much to keep him going.
***
Mackenzie’s waiting for him at the airport when Jensen gets off the plane. In the last year, she’s grown up a lot and settled down from the absolute terror she used to be. Jensen often thought she was demon-possessed as a teen, with all the shit she put him through. He thanks college for her newfound maturity. They’re closer now than they’ve ever been before.
“Hey!” she greets, bouncing on her toes until he gets close enough for a quick hug. She’s still too skinny and has new red streaks in her hair, and she may still give him an ulcer someday, but she’s all he has left. He loves her, despite it all. “How was it?” she asks as they head to her car, an ancient Corolla that was old when Jensen learned to drive in it at 16.
“Same as always.” Jensen shrugs, then tosses his bag into the backseat. “Mind-numbing, boring, and predictable.” The first time his boss sent him to a conference, he’d been excited, happy to get out of Texas if nothing else, but it’d been sadly disappointing then and even worse now. There’s only so much new information about the heating and cooling industry. He has no idea why they have yearly conferences, especially when it’s never in an exciting place people would want to actually vacation to.
“Were you always this cynical? Jesus.”
“No, I learned it from you,” he answers, rolling his eyes. “And watch your mouth.”
Mackenzie huffs and throws the car in reverse, ignoring him as usual. “So I want to stop somewhere on the way home. Is that okay?”
Sighing, Jensen closes his eyes and leans his head back against the seat. “Can’t it wait? I’m exhausted, Mac.”
“Oh, trust me. This is as much for you as it is for me.”
Jensen cracks one eye open in time to see her smirk at him. “I don’t have the energy for your bullshit,” he tells her. He’s grumpy as all hell and he knows it, but he’s never tempered his tone for her. Maybe that’s one of their many problems.
“Whatever. Humor me, just this once. And watch your mouth,” she adds, bratty as always.
“Fine.”
***
He naps on the way to wherever they’re going. There isn’t an airport in their tiny town, of course, so it’s a long drive. The sleep helps him gain a bit of equilibrium, but he’d rather go straight home to the cramped apartment he shares with Mackenzie when she’s home on school breaks like now. Whatever Mackenzie wants to show him, he’d prefer to see it after a shower and a meal more substantial than airplane pretzels and a greasy breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s.
There’s a strip mall on the outskirts of town, across from the bank and next to the mechanics. Once full of stores, it fell into disuse and disrepair a decade ago. It became a hangout for kids skipping school and delinquents of all kinds. It showed in the constantly broken windows and graffiti sprayed everywhere. Recently, though, businesses have started trickling back in, first a nail salon, followed quickly by a dollar store and pizza place. A new steak restaurant opened a week or so before Jensen left for his conference.
Mackenzie pulls into a spot right in front and cuts the engine, slanting him a look that’s far too amused and smug for someone her age.
“Really, Mac? I’ve had steak before,” he snarks. “What’s so special about--”
“Quit whining and come inside,” she interrupts, smacking his arm.
Jensen sighs, then climbs out of the car.
Inside, the Stone Table turns out to be more upscale than a Longhorn or Outback but not quite a 5-star restaurant. Not that Jensen’s ever been to a 5-star restaurant or anything even close. It’s early afternoon, so it’s mostly empty, only three tables occupied by businessmen and an older couple. The décor is simple, minimalist black, white, and dark red. It’s all new and still shiny and clean, unused. He imagines it’ll look less polished as time goes on, if it stays in business.
Mackenzie’s eyes light up as someone comes through the kitchen, and she bounces on her toes, beaming in a way Jensen hasn’t seen in a long time. Jensen catches a glimpse of a spotless and busy kitchen before his gaze snaps back to the man approaching them. A smile and a pair of dimples are enough to send him back 10 years to high school, to the days when the whole world was open to him and he was experiencing the wonder of first love.
“JT?” he blurts, feeling unbalanced and wrong-footed.
“Oh, wow. No one’s called me that in years,” Jared answers, flushing slightly. “Hi, Jensen.” His voice goes soft on Jensen’s name, like it always did.
He remembers the last time he saw Jared, the night before Jared left for college on the other side of the country. Jared cried openly; Jensen waited till he got home that night to give in to his tears. He was the one being left behind, after all. He knew they wouldn’t stay in touch, that the distance would be too great for them, despite Jared’s promises to the contrary. This Jared, the one standing in front of him now, is so like the boy he once snuck off with to kiss behind the school. The hair is longer, the muscles more defined, and he’s now a few inches taller than Jensen, but the smile and face are the same. Still beautiful. Especially like this, in a sharp charcoal suit and bright red tie.
“What are you doing here?” He’d thought--and hoped--that once Jared escaped their dying town he wouldn’t come back. Jared deserved better. He deserved everything.
“Oh, I’m the business manager/accountant/there’s no one else so make Jared do it.”
Mackenzie barks out a loud laugh, then covers her mouth with her hand, but Jensen’s still reeling and too busy staring at Jared to even process his words.
“It’s amazing, Jared,” Mackenzie says. “Elle brought me here a few days ago. You’ll have to come back and try the food, Jen. It’s really good.”
Jensen should yell at her for springing this on him when he’s tired and straight off a plane, but then Jared turns to him with a slightly shy smile and says, “We should go for a beer sometime. Catch up.”
“Yeah, that’d be good,” Jensen replies, though he doesn’t think Jared will want to hear about his shitty life.
“Here.” Jared fishes his wallet out and pulls out a business card, then scribbles something on the back. “That’s my cell number. Call me sometime.”
Jensen fingers the card, thumb brushing over Jared’s name and fancy title, printed in plain black script on white cardstock. He always knew Jared would go far in life, but he never expected Jared to outdistance him quite this much.
Someone calls Jared’s name from the kitchen, and Jensen promises to call as Jared excuses himself with a shrug and a smile.
Back in the car, Jensen faces Mackenzie and frowns. “What the hell was that about?” he demands.
“Saw him when Elle and I were there. I thought you’d like to see him. I know you two were close, and I know you never would’ve gone on your own.”
Close. Jensen grits his teeth and remembers that Mackenzie was too young back then to realize how close he and Jared were. What would she say if he told her Jared was his first kiss, his first everything?
“Thanks,” he says eventually.
***
Despite being dead tired, Jensen lies awake that night, thinking of his past and Jared and how happy he used to be, of how Mackenzie’s doing something with her life, even if she hasn’t settled on a major yet. He thinks about his future or lack thereof and how it really will kill him if he keeps doing this for the next 15 or 29 years. Maybe it’s time he claws out of this rut he’s been in.
The next day, Jensen finally drags himself out of bed sometime after 1 p.m. He eats his breakfast while Mackenzie has lunch. He feels better after some solid sleep, grateful he has the day off.
“So,” he says, pushing his empty cereal bowl away and sitting back in his chair. “I’m going back to school.”
Mackenzie pauses with her fork halfway to her mouth, lips parted in a perfect O of surprise. She recovers quickly, though, and sets her fork down on her plate.
“Are you shitting me?” she asks, eyebrow arched.
“No. And watch your mouth.”
“That’s awesome, Jen!”
He hopes so. He has no idea where he’s going to find the time or money or what he wants to study this go-round, but it’s a step toward doing something with his life. Hopefully it won’t blow up in his face.
***
Jared is still sweet and funny and kind. He still blushes at compliments and giggles like a preteen girl. He still eats more than two normal people. The impeccable table manners are new, as is the way he’s easily put back half a dozen beers. Jensen’s matched him drink for drink. He blames that for what he does next.
Sliding his hand into Jared’s soft hair, Jensen pulls him down into a kiss. Jared gasps in surprise but immediately falls into it. He crowds close to Jensen, one large hand cupping the side of Jensen’s neck and the other gripping his hip.
Jared still kisses the same, wild and enthusiastic, though there’s more finesse in it now, and he’s learned to do something fantastic with his tongue. Jensen wants to do this for hours, just this, like they used to, spread out in the bed of Jared’s truck in a spot no one knew about, because being gay at their school was unheard of.
A loud burst of laughter abruptly reminds Jensen that they’re in the middle of a bar. People may be more tolerant nowadays, but that doesn’t mean nobody will give them shit for making out in the open like that.
He pulls back reluctantly, a little smug when he sees how hard Jared’s breathing. His hair’s a mess from Jensen’s fingers, his lips kiss-red and swollen, and Jensen has to think of a naked old woman so he doesn’t get embarrassingly hard in public.
Jared caresses a hand across Jensen’s cheek, his touch so gentle that Jensen has to swallow the sudden lump in his throat.
“I’ve been waiting to do that for the past 10 years,” Jared admits quietly.
“Me too,” Jensen replies, leaning in for a quick press of their mouths. Screw anyone here that doesn’t like it. “I’d invite you back to my place but--”
“Mackenzie,” Jared finishes for him. “That’s okay. I just happen to have a whole house to myself. Wanna see it?”
Jared’s filthy grin is infectious, and Jensen smiles back widely. He doubts he’ll see much of Jared’s house tonight.
***
As they leave the bar, walking close so their arms brush on every other step, Jensen can’t help thinking that this is a sign that things are finally looking up for him. When Jared tangles their fingers together, he knows it.