Tomorrow...
I need to 'be good!' Last night carried over into today, as I knew it would. I was still up at 730 am and ate a lot of stuff....and fell asleep til 11...and cancelled plans I had to meet up with a girl i went to HS with...whom I was 'introduced' to by a school social worker/friend that knew she had an e.d. also. I felt bad...but I was sooooo tired,out of it, and needless to say, feeling obese and disgusting.
Then, I was in bed lying til 3 or 4... sat on my computer til 7... binged/purged when my parents left...then hung out at Borders browsing psychology books..restrained myself and didnt buy anything. Then, I went and saw 'Stepbrothers' with my friend,Andi. It was funny! Ironically though...guess who was there? The girl I went to HS with and her boyfriend....I turned her down earlier...and was out later! Although she might have not thought twice...If i were her I'd be like, sure, you feel sick and then you're magically fine to go out. out of ALL people...that always happens to me though. In middle school...I would tell one girl I couldnt go to the mall and had to go to a family function or something...(bc i could never and still cant say NO....its like im afraid to hurt people!) and then I would end up seeing them there looking like a big asshole. It always catched up to you, let me say. I sent her a FB message and explained I truly did feel sick this morning and exhausted...and I didnt blow her off. I hope she doesnt think badly of me!
Then I came home an hour ago and binged a little. I want to purge but I have the 4 pills in me from earlier and dont want to counteract them..idk. I hateee this. This could have been day 5! Oh well..it's not! I need to get back on the horse, so to speak.
Tomorrow is my cousin's HS grad party...I realllly dont want to go. My mom will prob expect me to go..but I am looking for any reason not to. I think my friend from treatment is coming here to look at Pitt tomorrow and I need to find a way to get to Oakland! Only like 20 min away..but if we recall, my parents are controlling and dont let me drive far...and bc they dont i lack experience! urgh. Soo yeah. I hope I get to see her..even if Sun.
I am antsy to go back to school. Although I hate it sometimes there and feel sooooo alone....I also feel i can do wtf i want....binge.purge.restrict. eat normally. its MY choice. no parents can interfere. they CANT control me....well the food i eat/do not eat there. so HAH.
My mom did say today though...does Gina (my T) think you need to go back to Renfrew? I said..Idk..we didnt discuss it. I shouldve said yes, bc although at this pt i dont need it/am not bad enough, but would like it as an option if it gets to that pt again. (bc she's sworn it off and i want to know IIIIIIIIIIIIII can choose it, if it becomes necessary)
Whatever. Im going to chill for a little and TRYY to fall asleep. I swear..next time im at the drs, im asking for ambien or SOME drug..i cant take these sleepless nites. (as i sit here with diet coke in hand...caffeinated...lol...but i swear, ive tried not eating close to bed, not drinking pop, its all the same..i cant sleep anyway!)
Then, I was in bed lying til 3 or 4... sat on my computer til 7... binged/purged when my parents left...then hung out at Borders browsing psychology books..restrained myself and didnt buy anything. Then, I went and saw 'Stepbrothers' with my friend,Andi. It was funny! Ironically though...guess who was there? The girl I went to HS with and her boyfriend....I turned her down earlier...and was out later! Although she might have not thought twice...If i were her I'd be like, sure, you feel sick and then you're magically fine to go out. out of ALL people...that always happens to me though. In middle school...I would tell one girl I couldnt go to the mall and had to go to a family function or something...(bc i could never and still cant say NO....its like im afraid to hurt people!) and then I would end up seeing them there looking like a big asshole. It always catched up to you, let me say. I sent her a FB message and explained I truly did feel sick this morning and exhausted...and I didnt blow her off. I hope she doesnt think badly of me!
Then I came home an hour ago and binged a little. I want to purge but I have the 4 pills in me from earlier and dont want to counteract them..idk. I hateee this. This could have been day 5! Oh well..it's not! I need to get back on the horse, so to speak.
Tomorrow is my cousin's HS grad party...I realllly dont want to go. My mom will prob expect me to go..but I am looking for any reason not to. I think my friend from treatment is coming here to look at Pitt tomorrow and I need to find a way to get to Oakland! Only like 20 min away..but if we recall, my parents are controlling and dont let me drive far...and bc they dont i lack experience! urgh. Soo yeah. I hope I get to see her..even if Sun.
I am antsy to go back to school. Although I hate it sometimes there and feel sooooo alone....I also feel i can do wtf i want....binge.purge.restrict. eat normally. its MY choice. no parents can interfere. they CANT control me....well the food i eat/do not eat there. so HAH.
My mom did say today though...does Gina (my T) think you need to go back to Renfrew? I said..Idk..we didnt discuss it. I shouldve said yes, bc although at this pt i dont need it/am not bad enough, but would like it as an option if it gets to that pt again. (bc she's sworn it off and i want to know IIIIIIIIIIIIII can choose it, if it becomes necessary)
Whatever. Im going to chill for a little and TRYY to fall asleep. I swear..next time im at the drs, im asking for ambien or SOME drug..i cant take these sleepless nites. (as i sit here with diet coke in hand...caffeinated...lol...but i swear, ive tried not eating close to bed, not drinking pop, its all the same..i cant sleep anyway!)