shiiittyyyyy
I hate bulimia. I hate you. I hate you. fuck you.
Ugh. I was on a good spree...running 5-7 miles for....6 days....then i took a day or two off....then 3 days on....but yesterday I decided to bingeee it up. But, oh, I couldnt purge because fam home..so I ate 2 boxes of poptarts...and then I go,fuck running...so I ate whatever and anything today...a massive binge...and it's all been sitting inside me all day. My master plan is to binge and purge when my dad goes to bed. Im so damn sick of this. I took 2 laxatives almost 24 hrs ago but they are strong and I guess didnt kick in for a while...and my stomach is sooo upset. I keep having to run to the bathroom,in fact. :-/
I turned 20 a few days ago..and I didnt binge. Sure, I ate what I wanted that day...but it wasnt bingeing. I just allowed myself foods Im normally not 'allowed' and had 1 slice of ice cream cake. SO my new record (in recent days) is 2 b/p free days. pathetic..but beats 1..lol. Eek.
One thing really bothering me is an apparent pattern. Okay, so ive become mroe comfortable over time talking with people about ED. Friends and professionals,yes..Family...hell no. But...theres a pattern of pushing people away and i HATE it. In HS, my guidance counselor, psych teacher, and social worker (who's relatively close rin age...shes...28 or 29),They were all soo helpful but after tx last summer and seeing no improvement in me after talking with me and trying to be there for me, they set restrictions on how often i could contact them in effort to distance me, partly so I could go back to therapy..but stillll..awkward. So theyve been distant ever since...Also, i reached out to a HS gym teacher...we never talked during my sr year but emailed from fall 07 to recently...we were supposed to meet up and walk the park...i havent seen her since feb....and she said call her cell and tell her what day works. I did. twice. emailed,too. Never heard back and it's been 2 weeks..? What would YOU think? Of COURSE I think she hates me, I talked too much about ED, she thinks im crazy and obsessive and wants to rid me form her life. I AM worried though that something happened to her..but also worried and convinced that she hates me. Different friends that Ive tried to reach out to about my ed are sooo nice and welcoming at first and then i guess get too weirded out or overwhelmed and back off a ton...it makes me want to close off and never speak to anyone again. to me, thats so unfair. My one friend said well, it makes me feel helpless. Im sorry, I know Im biased, but if I had a friend going through a tough time I would never turn my back....I dont care if they overwhelm me, Id be their friend...and there to stay through thick....and thin. Yikes. Thats why I loveee the quote (even though I think it pertains to male/female relationships) If you cant handle me at my worst, you sure as HELL dont deserve me at my best! thats what i want to sayto all these people...im sorry if im too much for you...but dont you realize how hard this is on ME too? Ugh.Idk. Maybe im crazy and cant see the light?
Im sick of typing. My stomach hurttts.. I just want to be thin though. Im so sick of life. Ive lost the passion for everything. I want people to love me...but I cant even believe that one could care for me though or that i am worth being cared for. Maybe thats what pushes people away? I have no clue. Please give me insight. It bothers me that I havent heard from the one that said we'd get together. She knows my head goes crazy with thoughts...but wouldnt a 'normal' person wonder what the heck happened when you dont hear back? Im so fed up with everything. I feel like evryone that tells me they truly care and are here for me are waiting to screw me over..they DONT care or they did and I was too psychotic for them. Ughhh.:(