Triggering :(
I hate myself. Why am I not only incapable of eating normally, but also of restricting? Today...as i commonly do...I had exercised and not eaten by 3 PM. (with the exception of one sugar-free popsicle) For dinner I had 2,fairly small burritos/taco shells with refried black beans (mmm) cheese (unnecessary...esp bc i want to try veganism to one-up my vegetarianism) and onions. I had a few strawberries and a few of my mom's chinese szechuan vegetables. That would be it for today, but i had to go and be a fucking pig. Recently, I got hungrryy and decided to allow myself 8 honey wheat pretzels (110 cals roughly) but nooo 8 turned into 18 which turned into prob 25 plus banana bread, around 8-10 of these awesommee choc chip coconut cookies my mom buys (i cant tell her theyre triggggerrringg) and a plain english muffin. The part that always sucks when I restrict all day and my binge isnt that big (as binges go) that throwing up is near impossible. (and my sister's right next door and my mom's off work) therefore, i couldnt purge and popped 3 exlax pills. Greeeeattt. I am fatty mcfatface for life. Hah, seriously though, I want to be super thin,..once more...so I can wear whatever...and maybe, just maybe people will worry and pay attention to me like they did at one time.
I hate undoing a whole day. WHY do i always binge and give in to cookie/sweets/bread cravings? Fuck.
On a dif note, I had my orientation today. It was rather lame. There was another kid there who was unfriendly. I was like heeeyy, how's it going? And he then muttered some unclear answer. Hah, and people call ME shy.
Im still nervous to start training and then *gasp* eventually serve on my own...but that shouldnt be for a week or two..
Anyway, I have to go...
My friend just texted and reminded me we have a response due for class tomorrow. Oops! and i thought i was going to bed... well, this is the last week of summer classes anyway.
Ughhh. Now I have to have that gulty I ate a million calories..and have to go to bed with them in me...making me even fattER. roar. WHy do i suckkkk at losing weight?!?!?
Night. Im sorry, I swear Ill stop being triggering. I just need somewhere to vent. I only see my T every other week...and insurance might refuse to pay anyway. ( i HATE insurance companies...America has a really flawed healthcare system...err...government in general, i suppose)
I hate undoing a whole day. WHY do i always binge and give in to cookie/sweets/bread cravings? Fuck.
On a dif note, I had my orientation today. It was rather lame. There was another kid there who was unfriendly. I was like heeeyy, how's it going? And he then muttered some unclear answer. Hah, and people call ME shy.
Im still nervous to start training and then *gasp* eventually serve on my own...but that shouldnt be for a week or two..
Anyway, I have to go...
My friend just texted and reminded me we have a response due for class tomorrow. Oops! and i thought i was going to bed... well, this is the last week of summer classes anyway.
Ughhh. Now I have to have that gulty I ate a million calories..and have to go to bed with them in me...making me even fattER. roar. WHy do i suckkkk at losing weight?!?!?
Night. Im sorry, I swear Ill stop being triggering. I just need somewhere to vent. I only see my T every other week...and insurance might refuse to pay anyway. ( i HATE insurance companies...America has a really flawed healthcare system...err...government in general, i suppose)