(no subject)
I decided to wait until Wednesday night to do my Ayahuasca this week since I have a big exam on Wednesday morning. That way if I do good on the exam, I can reward myself by trying Aya again.
The whole "only using weed as a reward" thing hasn't been working though. I think I've steadily been getting depressed and smoking weed constantly has only exacerbated this. It doesn't do me any good to start replacing one self-destructive behavior with another. So I'm going to go back to smoking only ONCE A WEEK. There, you've heard me say it. Once a week and no more. I need to learn how to practice moderation. I've never learned that trick though. The thing with me is that everything is either hot or cold, too much or too little. You can see this in every area of my life, especially my dieting patterns and in my classwork. For a brief period, I go at exercising and dieting with a fury, to the point where I start becoming obsessed with it and reach a threshold of unhealthiness due to restricting food and other things. Then the opposite happens most suddenly, and I give up my strict regimen and start to gain weight again. It's the hot and cold thing, either-or. In my studies, I have a tendency to throw myself into it headlong, then become a slacker and consider dropping out, then ferociously begin studying again. I oscillate dramatically between extremes and it gets very tiring.
I find that the real changes that occur in me happen gradually over many, many months. Like my attitude and spiritual aspirations, which have been slowly but surely evolving into something good. But there are still struggles though. Like recently, I've felt at the Edge. The edge of what? Who knows, but it's not pleasent. Just generally allowing my ego to take over and feeling unwilling to fight back. Trying to ignore my urges to self-harm by smoking weed like a smokestack. But this sucks, because the negative ego-feelings are still there, taunting me. It's scary how easy it is to slide from one bad behavior, to another.
Shame on me for turning a wonderful experience like weed into a shitty coping device. Shame on me for taking the lovely plant ally marijuana and abusing her. I honestly feel terrible about this, especially because I am such an advocate for responsible drug use. Well, no more weed for me until I dig out the root of my recent depression. Even afterwards, I will tango with Mary Jane no more then ONCE A WEEK. You heard me say it.
Some other things on my mind:
This is going to sound a bit weird...and possibly insane. But I have given tentative thought to if I am somehow related to Michael the Archangel. Hear me out before you petition to lock me up. There have been many strange coincidences involving Michael the Archangel in my life lately. For some reason, I have come across countless references to him in the past few days, all by complete accident. In books I've been reading, on TV, talking to people, on the internet...he shows up everywhere. Of course this could simply be the collective consciousness acting up, but then there is my name. Michelle, which is the female version of Michael. Of course there are a lot of people in the world named Michael. So I don't know. It's just sort of strange that I've been seeing so many continuous references to Michael the Archangel lately, as though someone is trying to tell me something.
Delusion of grandeur...possibly. But why should I care, since it's a mystery and I'm not hurting anyone by fantasizing about my divine purpose in this world. ;-)
I'm about to sit down and get to some serious writing.
The whole "only using weed as a reward" thing hasn't been working though. I think I've steadily been getting depressed and smoking weed constantly has only exacerbated this. It doesn't do me any good to start replacing one self-destructive behavior with another. So I'm going to go back to smoking only ONCE A WEEK. There, you've heard me say it. Once a week and no more. I need to learn how to practice moderation. I've never learned that trick though. The thing with me is that everything is either hot or cold, too much or too little. You can see this in every area of my life, especially my dieting patterns and in my classwork. For a brief period, I go at exercising and dieting with a fury, to the point where I start becoming obsessed with it and reach a threshold of unhealthiness due to restricting food and other things. Then the opposite happens most suddenly, and I give up my strict regimen and start to gain weight again. It's the hot and cold thing, either-or. In my studies, I have a tendency to throw myself into it headlong, then become a slacker and consider dropping out, then ferociously begin studying again. I oscillate dramatically between extremes and it gets very tiring.
I find that the real changes that occur in me happen gradually over many, many months. Like my attitude and spiritual aspirations, which have been slowly but surely evolving into something good. But there are still struggles though. Like recently, I've felt at the Edge. The edge of what? Who knows, but it's not pleasent. Just generally allowing my ego to take over and feeling unwilling to fight back. Trying to ignore my urges to self-harm by smoking weed like a smokestack. But this sucks, because the negative ego-feelings are still there, taunting me. It's scary how easy it is to slide from one bad behavior, to another.
Shame on me for turning a wonderful experience like weed into a shitty coping device. Shame on me for taking the lovely plant ally marijuana and abusing her. I honestly feel terrible about this, especially because I am such an advocate for responsible drug use. Well, no more weed for me until I dig out the root of my recent depression. Even afterwards, I will tango with Mary Jane no more then ONCE A WEEK. You heard me say it.
Some other things on my mind:
This is going to sound a bit weird...and possibly insane. But I have given tentative thought to if I am somehow related to Michael the Archangel. Hear me out before you petition to lock me up. There have been many strange coincidences involving Michael the Archangel in my life lately. For some reason, I have come across countless references to him in the past few days, all by complete accident. In books I've been reading, on TV, talking to people, on the internet...he shows up everywhere. Of course this could simply be the collective consciousness acting up, but then there is my name. Michelle, which is the female version of Michael. Of course there are a lot of people in the world named Michael. So I don't know. It's just sort of strange that I've been seeing so many continuous references to Michael the Archangel lately, as though someone is trying to tell me something.
Delusion of grandeur...possibly. But why should I care, since it's a mystery and I'm not hurting anyone by fantasizing about my divine purpose in this world. ;-)
I'm about to sit down and get to some serious writing.