(no subject)
Scared and sad to say, but I may have to come back home for the summer. It has been a swell year thus far, with the trials and tribulations that stand high above those of years passed. I think that the money may run out and if i stay here for the duration of the summer, as I initially intended on doing, i will drink myself into a box.
The last three nights I have spent drinking on the stoop and smoking WAY too much.
the best part about stooping, is checking out the nightcrawlers that find their way through the garbage on the front lawn. I think that officially put me under alcoholic potential. Sitting adn watching the worms bury their way through garbage while drunk? Scary...
The good news is that this month I am living with my friend Milene. She rocks and i will be very sad when she leaves. Its sad because every time i think i feel lonely, I will remember that this place was meant for two.Thats the last thing i want to think anout when i am feeling lonely. but if i have to come home for the summer, (BOO), then i guess i wont have to worry about that.
I booked off time to come to Als cottage. I hope there is still room in the cars. I miss everyone right now, but I dont want to have to come home. Too many memories of B. It seems like I have avoided the getting over him thing. As much as I would like to think i am above and beyond the hurting and painful memories, Im not. The mention of him now makes me sad because for the first time it has set in that things are really, truely over. Fucking other people, as many as it may be, doesnt make up for the hollow feeling that sets in when I am in my apartment, sharing a bed with my temporary roomie Milene, and knowing that one day I thought that would be him. He would be my key to the land of realy love, romance and relationships. And now I have to accept that I am back to square one and we will no longer be of that nature. Starting from scratch with a new guy and learning to trust them, which to me seems like it will be harder than the first time; that was already a battle in itself. But now, with all the questions that are left seemingly unanswered due to the long distance nature of our relationship, plague me constantly. I stayed in bed all day yesterday playing mind games with myself, wondering if he cheated, if he lied or if he was the one and I threw it all away. Was it my fault or was it his?
Doesnt matter now, cause its over and done with and the hardest part will be forgetting. I need to do that though. It will be looked at as a fond memory one day when I am mature enough to feel that way, or maybe i have the strength and some support behind me. But for now, I feel I have neither and its the worst because for the first time in years, I feel small.
The last three nights I have spent drinking on the stoop and smoking WAY too much.
the best part about stooping, is checking out the nightcrawlers that find their way through the garbage on the front lawn. I think that officially put me under alcoholic potential. Sitting adn watching the worms bury their way through garbage while drunk? Scary...
The good news is that this month I am living with my friend Milene. She rocks and i will be very sad when she leaves. Its sad because every time i think i feel lonely, I will remember that this place was meant for two.Thats the last thing i want to think anout when i am feeling lonely. but if i have to come home for the summer, (BOO), then i guess i wont have to worry about that.
I booked off time to come to Als cottage. I hope there is still room in the cars. I miss everyone right now, but I dont want to have to come home. Too many memories of B. It seems like I have avoided the getting over him thing. As much as I would like to think i am above and beyond the hurting and painful memories, Im not. The mention of him now makes me sad because for the first time it has set in that things are really, truely over. Fucking other people, as many as it may be, doesnt make up for the hollow feeling that sets in when I am in my apartment, sharing a bed with my temporary roomie Milene, and knowing that one day I thought that would be him. He would be my key to the land of realy love, romance and relationships. And now I have to accept that I am back to square one and we will no longer be of that nature. Starting from scratch with a new guy and learning to trust them, which to me seems like it will be harder than the first time; that was already a battle in itself. But now, with all the questions that are left seemingly unanswered due to the long distance nature of our relationship, plague me constantly. I stayed in bed all day yesterday playing mind games with myself, wondering if he cheated, if he lied or if he was the one and I threw it all away. Was it my fault or was it his?
Doesnt matter now, cause its over and done with and the hardest part will be forgetting. I need to do that though. It will be looked at as a fond memory one day when I am mature enough to feel that way, or maybe i have the strength and some support behind me. But for now, I feel I have neither and its the worst because for the first time in years, I feel small.