Crash and Burn 8/?
Title: Crash and Burn (8/?)
Author: elledee68
Rating: M
Pairing: Callie and Arizona
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Shonda Rhimes.
Summary: The aftermath of the plane crash. Callie and Arizona adjust to their losses. Can each be what the other can't?
A/N Thanks you all for the reviews of the previous chapter. I'm grateful to you for your support. I'm still having a vacation so in a happy place so found this chapter difficult to write.
For those of you who wanted to know what he whole Callie jealousy of Arizona/Sofia was about, I've answered with this chapter. I'm sure you'll let me know what you think of my theory after reading.
I'm not sure how to remedy the lack of intensity you felt last chapter..except to ask you..do you think intensity comes from the unknown...and once questions are beginning to get answered the intensity/drama lessens? Just a theory.
Anywho...I hope you enjoy.
When the quiet "please...don't go...." had reached Callie's ears as she was about to exit the bedroom her heart had nearly leapt from her chest. Then her wife had asked her to lie with her and she'd almost fainted. The request had pained her...her wife was telling her she needed her...wanted to be with her...despite everything...like an arrow had pierced her heart. But then there was also something else...Arizona had used her full name...called her Calliope...there was...she couldn't describe it, but it filled her with something other than the coldness she'd felt for months.
The walk to the bed had been almost as nerve wracking as walking toward Arizona on their wedding day. She'd willed herself not to trip...not to fall...and not to vomit with anxiety. Then she'd got to the bed and she was sure that the battle that was raging between her heart and her brain could be heard by her wife. Each organ with its own agenda..."she doesn't want you...after everything you've done...don't be ridiculous..." "she loves you...she's forgiven you before...more than once...just get in with it...she's waiting".
Her internal fight left her standing at the edge of their bed...their marital bed...holding her breath...hammering heart...scared...like she was waiting to jump from ten thousand feet, knowing she didn't have a parachute.
Her wife had helped her again...pulling back the covers...beckoning her into the bed...she'd gratefully climbed in and stiffly settled as best she could without getting too close. If she knows anything, she knows her wife hates her to touch her these days...she's felt it...last night...Arizona had virtually tried to climb out of her own skin to avoid physical contact.
She longed for the easy familiarity they ha before...before the crash...before her...just before. She'd squeezed her eyes tight shut..unable and unwilling to allow her thoughts to go to that place...not wanting her guilt, her remorse to reach out it's gnarly fingers and touch her wife, not wanting to taint the moment...this was her shit after all...she'd created this mess...she had to learn to live with it.
Tears sprung to her eyes as the realisation of what her wife was learning to live with right now hit her. Hating herself for what she'd added to the seemingly ever-growing heap.
For six months she'd watched the old Arizona, pre crash Arizona, get sucked further away, different...hardened...no, beaten, broken, Arizona taking her place. She'd been worse than useless in that time, she'd clung on tight when Arizona had wanted to just drift away...she'd made on the spot decisions...decisions that haunted her...worse...haunted Arizona...she'd tried to justify..."it was your leg or your life Arizona". Her wife had screamed at her for her selfishness..."what makes you think I want to live my life like this...it was your life or your baby...I made a decision based on what yo would want...why couldn't you do the same?!"
Her wife's reasoning had confused her, twisting her thoughts until even she believed she'd done a terrible, terrible thing.
Other decisions...other actions...were even harder to justify. Arizona so far hadn't asked her...why...she felt grateful...but guilt even sat at the edge of that.
She loved her wife...after the car crash...it had been her love for her wife that had brought her back...of that she was convinced.
And there'd been another crash. This time her wife had survived. Against the odds. She'd come back to her. At least that's what she thought in the beginning.
Then she had realised that part of Arizona had died in the woods. A different Arizona had come back to her.
It had been pre-crash Arizona had helped create a version of Callie that she liked when she looked in the mirror. The confident Callie...the Callie who believed she deserved better...the Callie who deserved to be loved. The Arizona who told her she hated her...told her this was all her fault..this Arizona in turn had helped create a different Callie. This Callie wasn't pre-crash Callie...she was just as lost...different Arizona meant different Callie too. She hated herself...how could her mind make her believe that Arizona was responsible for this Callie...
"No!" she heard it, echoing around the quiet room, .scolding herself out loud for allowing her mind to think the thoughts she was thinking.
She felt her wife jump slightly, and the fingers holding lightly onto hers grasped tightly momentarily.
"Okay?" her wife questioned.
She turned her head to look at her wife who had in turn turned her own head towards her, eyebrowns arched, quizzical look on her face.
"Er...yeh...just..." she trialled off, but let go of the hand still holding hers, brought it up towards her head, and drew circular motion with her forefinger near her temple.
Her wife snorted..."that makes a change!"
After a beat, "So Professor Peter Potter?"
She searched her brain for some kind of recognition, it came up empty. "Wha?" she mumbled, looking again at her wife, sure wore her own quizzical look now.
"Professor Peter Potter...prosthetics expert". She could hear as well as see the smile on her wife's face, though there was a trace of anxiety too.
She felt her own face split into a grin "Seriously, professor Peter Potter...in prosthetics!"
"I know. Right!" her wife giggled then sobered quickly.
"Cool...although..." her own mood sobered, unable to finish her sentence.
"Although what Calliope?" her wife probed gently. She could feel her wife's gaze searching her face.
She sighed and closed her eyes, she pushed through her fear at he words "Well...it's a neat name and all...but...I wish that we...er you...didn't need...his...expertise...I wish...I can't help it...I wish he was...I dunno...in Afganistan...or something...not here...in Seatle." Hating herself immediately for what she'd just voiced. Hating herself for wishin this on someone else. She wished honesty was easier.
"Yeh. Me too." her wife admitted.
They lay side by side in silence once more.
"Well...I guess I should get moving...Smush'll be back soon...I'd like to spend a little time with her before my appointment. I'll be no good to anyone when I get back."
"Kay" she responded. She felt the bed move as her wife repositioned. Turning her head she was surprised to find her wife's face close to her own, even more so when she felt soft lips attach to her own. The kiss was over before she had a chance to respond. She watched in quiet contemplation as her wife swung herself off the bed, using her crutches to facilitate her movement into the bathroom where she closed the door.
She allowed herself another minute of contemplation, gratitude for their moments of unforced intimacy settling in her heart, before making her own move to get up.
She pottered in the kitchen, washing upbreakfast dishes, filling and switching on the coffee pot, until the front door opening signalled the arrival of the Robbins'.
She couldn't understand the irritation that surfaced as she thought about her wife's parents, she pushed it to one side. Her in-laws had been a god-send since the crash, not only for her wife, but also for her. She didnt want to resent them...Arizona's relationship with them...their relationship with Sofia. She couldn't help but draw a comparison between the relationship she has with them and the relationship she has with her own parents. The conclusion irked her.
She shook her head to try to rid herself of the mood that had settled over her. Leaning down to scoop her daughter into her arms as she came running towards her. "Hey big girl" she greeted "wow, your cheeks are cold" she laughed as the little girl snuggled into her neck.
"She's given Pops the runaround in the park!" Barbara exclaimed as she closed the apartment door behind her. Daniel's rosey cheeks betrayal of his recent exertion. He smiled and shrugged but said nothing.
"Oh yeh! She can be tricky to catch alright...can't you beautiful girl" the toddler wriggling and giggling in her arms as she tickled the area behind her knee that meant this reaction was guaranteed.
"Mami's gonna shower big girl" she said, setting Sofia on her feet, looking at her mother-in-law, who nodded, indicating that her daughter would be fine with them.
Arizona was stood at the mirror fully clothed running the brush through her hair as she entered the bedroom. She couldn't prevent her thoughts from going back to the day before...Arizona had been naked...no clothing to hide her...but today...hiding Arizona was back, dressing in double quick time lest the woman she had been intimate with should see her body. She wondered if there'd ever be a day again when they would b them again...comfortable...easy..happy, instead of this...feeling like they were strangers sharing a life. She doubted they would ever be the same again.
She made eye contact with her wife through the mirror, her wife's lips trying to smile, but it was a ghost of a smile . She tried to smile back.
"I'm gonna freshen up, I won't be long" she gestured with her thumb towards the bathroom.
Her wife nodded at her.
She showered and dressed quickly, making her way to the lounge once she was done.
She stopped mid stride at what she saw once there. Curled up on the inflatable mattress in the middle of room her wife and daughter lay...both sound asleep...Sofia curled up in her mama's arms. She felt her teeth clamp tightly together, her jaw muscle jumping as a result.
Daniel sat nearby, head buried in a newspaper.
"It's amazing isn't it?" she heard Barbara say, stepping up behind her, looking wistfully in the same direction.
"Awesome. Yeh" flat, snarky tone evident even to her.
"You okay Callie sweetheart?" her mother-in-law questioned. Her tone no longer wistful.
She sighed "It's just....I...yeh, I'm okay" she managed.
Her mother-in-law looked at her with compassion written all over her face.
"You must be so tired." she probed gently.
She nodded, they stood silently for a moment and Barbara raised her hand to rub her shoulder, she turned to walk away.
"it's just...I don't have a story" it was a quiet whisper.
"Er...a story? I'm not sure I understand darling." the word were equally quiet, but quizzical, confused. Her mother-in-law had stopped mid turn, repositioning herself once again to be able to look at her.
"About Sofia, I mean....about her birth...I wanted babies my whole life...and..I don't have a story!" her words had taken onshe desperate quality, she knew she should stop, but now the dam had burst there was nothing she could do to stop the words from flooding out. "I wanted babies my whole life...she never wanted babies...like ever....I...don't know how long I was in labour...or even if i was in labour...I didn't feel the urge to push...I didn't get to hold her in my arms the moment she came out of my body...I wanted babies my whole life...and it's like I wasn't even there...of course I know I was...but I wasn't...she....she never wanted babies...like never...and she was there...she held her heart in her hands...she never wanted babies!" her eyes had lost the batte to not let the tears fall, her voice ragged.
"Oh sweetheart. I can't imagine.." Barbara tried to soothe, stepping into her personal space and enveloping her in her arms.
She sobbed quietly, unwilling to allow her outburst to disturb the other occupants of the room, although the rustling of the newspaper told her that Daniel had peaked over his reading material to survey the scene.
"Does Arizona know you feel this way?"
She snorted and pulled away from her mother-in-law wiping her face furiously.
"No...how can I...now...it's ridiculous...with everything else?!" she exclaimed.
"But..." Barbara started.
"No..." she hissed from between her clenched teeth.
Barbara held her hands up in a gesture of surrender, moving slowly away.
She continued to wipe at her face, unaware that sleeping ears had heard her outburst.
Author: elledee68
Rating: M
Pairing: Callie and Arizona
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Shonda Rhimes.
Summary: The aftermath of the plane crash. Callie and Arizona adjust to their losses. Can each be what the other can't?
A/N Thanks you all for the reviews of the previous chapter. I'm grateful to you for your support. I'm still having a vacation so in a happy place so found this chapter difficult to write.
For those of you who wanted to know what he whole Callie jealousy of Arizona/Sofia was about, I've answered with this chapter. I'm sure you'll let me know what you think of my theory after reading.
I'm not sure how to remedy the lack of intensity you felt last chapter..except to ask you..do you think intensity comes from the unknown...and once questions are beginning to get answered the intensity/drama lessens? Just a theory.
Anywho...I hope you enjoy.
When the quiet "please...don't go...." had reached Callie's ears as she was about to exit the bedroom her heart had nearly leapt from her chest. Then her wife had asked her to lie with her and she'd almost fainted. The request had pained her...her wife was telling her she needed her...wanted to be with her...despite everything...like an arrow had pierced her heart. But then there was also something else...Arizona had used her full name...called her Calliope...there was...she couldn't describe it, but it filled her with something other than the coldness she'd felt for months.
The walk to the bed had been almost as nerve wracking as walking toward Arizona on their wedding day. She'd willed herself not to trip...not to fall...and not to vomit with anxiety. Then she'd got to the bed and she was sure that the battle that was raging between her heart and her brain could be heard by her wife. Each organ with its own agenda..."she doesn't want you...after everything you've done...don't be ridiculous..." "she loves you...she's forgiven you before...more than once...just get in with it...she's waiting".
Her internal fight left her standing at the edge of their bed...their marital bed...holding her breath...hammering heart...scared...like she was waiting to jump from ten thousand feet, knowing she didn't have a parachute.
Her wife had helped her again...pulling back the covers...beckoning her into the bed...she'd gratefully climbed in and stiffly settled as best she could without getting too close. If she knows anything, she knows her wife hates her to touch her these days...she's felt it...last night...Arizona had virtually tried to climb out of her own skin to avoid physical contact.
She longed for the easy familiarity they ha before...before the crash...before her...just before. She'd squeezed her eyes tight shut..unable and unwilling to allow her thoughts to go to that place...not wanting her guilt, her remorse to reach out it's gnarly fingers and touch her wife, not wanting to taint the moment...this was her shit after all...she'd created this mess...she had to learn to live with it.
Tears sprung to her eyes as the realisation of what her wife was learning to live with right now hit her. Hating herself for what she'd added to the seemingly ever-growing heap.
For six months she'd watched the old Arizona, pre crash Arizona, get sucked further away, different...hardened...no, beaten, broken, Arizona taking her place. She'd been worse than useless in that time, she'd clung on tight when Arizona had wanted to just drift away...she'd made on the spot decisions...decisions that haunted her...worse...haunted Arizona...she'd tried to justify..."it was your leg or your life Arizona". Her wife had screamed at her for her selfishness..."what makes you think I want to live my life like this...it was your life or your baby...I made a decision based on what yo would want...why couldn't you do the same?!"
Her wife's reasoning had confused her, twisting her thoughts until even she believed she'd done a terrible, terrible thing.
Other decisions...other actions...were even harder to justify. Arizona so far hadn't asked her...why...she felt grateful...but guilt even sat at the edge of that.
She loved her wife...after the car crash...it had been her love for her wife that had brought her back...of that she was convinced.
And there'd been another crash. This time her wife had survived. Against the odds. She'd come back to her. At least that's what she thought in the beginning.
Then she had realised that part of Arizona had died in the woods. A different Arizona had come back to her.
It had been pre-crash Arizona had helped create a version of Callie that she liked when she looked in the mirror. The confident Callie...the Callie who believed she deserved better...the Callie who deserved to be loved. The Arizona who told her she hated her...told her this was all her fault..this Arizona in turn had helped create a different Callie. This Callie wasn't pre-crash Callie...she was just as lost...different Arizona meant different Callie too. She hated herself...how could her mind make her believe that Arizona was responsible for this Callie...
"No!" she heard it, echoing around the quiet room, .scolding herself out loud for allowing her mind to think the thoughts she was thinking.
She felt her wife jump slightly, and the fingers holding lightly onto hers grasped tightly momentarily.
"Okay?" her wife questioned.
She turned her head to look at her wife who had in turn turned her own head towards her, eyebrowns arched, quizzical look on her face.
"Er...yeh...just..." she trialled off, but let go of the hand still holding hers, brought it up towards her head, and drew circular motion with her forefinger near her temple.
Her wife snorted..."that makes a change!"
After a beat, "So Professor Peter Potter?"
She searched her brain for some kind of recognition, it came up empty. "Wha?" she mumbled, looking again at her wife, sure wore her own quizzical look now.
"Professor Peter Potter...prosthetics expert". She could hear as well as see the smile on her wife's face, though there was a trace of anxiety too.
She felt her own face split into a grin "Seriously, professor Peter Potter...in prosthetics!"
"I know. Right!" her wife giggled then sobered quickly.
"Cool...although..." her own mood sobered, unable to finish her sentence.
"Although what Calliope?" her wife probed gently. She could feel her wife's gaze searching her face.
She sighed and closed her eyes, she pushed through her fear at he words "Well...it's a neat name and all...but...I wish that we...er you...didn't need...his...expertise...I wish...I can't help it...I wish he was...I dunno...in Afganistan...or something...not here...in Seatle." Hating herself immediately for what she'd just voiced. Hating herself for wishin this on someone else. She wished honesty was easier.
"Yeh. Me too." her wife admitted.
They lay side by side in silence once more.
"Well...I guess I should get moving...Smush'll be back soon...I'd like to spend a little time with her before my appointment. I'll be no good to anyone when I get back."
"Kay" she responded. She felt the bed move as her wife repositioned. Turning her head she was surprised to find her wife's face close to her own, even more so when she felt soft lips attach to her own. The kiss was over before she had a chance to respond. She watched in quiet contemplation as her wife swung herself off the bed, using her crutches to facilitate her movement into the bathroom where she closed the door.
She allowed herself another minute of contemplation, gratitude for their moments of unforced intimacy settling in her heart, before making her own move to get up.
She pottered in the kitchen, washing upbreakfast dishes, filling and switching on the coffee pot, until the front door opening signalled the arrival of the Robbins'.
She couldn't understand the irritation that surfaced as she thought about her wife's parents, she pushed it to one side. Her in-laws had been a god-send since the crash, not only for her wife, but also for her. She didnt want to resent them...Arizona's relationship with them...their relationship with Sofia. She couldn't help but draw a comparison between the relationship she has with them and the relationship she has with her own parents. The conclusion irked her.
She shook her head to try to rid herself of the mood that had settled over her. Leaning down to scoop her daughter into her arms as she came running towards her. "Hey big girl" she greeted "wow, your cheeks are cold" she laughed as the little girl snuggled into her neck.
"She's given Pops the runaround in the park!" Barbara exclaimed as she closed the apartment door behind her. Daniel's rosey cheeks betrayal of his recent exertion. He smiled and shrugged but said nothing.
"Oh yeh! She can be tricky to catch alright...can't you beautiful girl" the toddler wriggling and giggling in her arms as she tickled the area behind her knee that meant this reaction was guaranteed.
"Mami's gonna shower big girl" she said, setting Sofia on her feet, looking at her mother-in-law, who nodded, indicating that her daughter would be fine with them.
Arizona was stood at the mirror fully clothed running the brush through her hair as she entered the bedroom. She couldn't prevent her thoughts from going back to the day before...Arizona had been naked...no clothing to hide her...but today...hiding Arizona was back, dressing in double quick time lest the woman she had been intimate with should see her body. She wondered if there'd ever be a day again when they would b them again...comfortable...easy..happy, instead of this...feeling like they were strangers sharing a life. She doubted they would ever be the same again.
She made eye contact with her wife through the mirror, her wife's lips trying to smile, but it was a ghost of a smile . She tried to smile back.
"I'm gonna freshen up, I won't be long" she gestured with her thumb towards the bathroom.
Her wife nodded at her.
She showered and dressed quickly, making her way to the lounge once she was done.
She stopped mid stride at what she saw once there. Curled up on the inflatable mattress in the middle of room her wife and daughter lay...both sound asleep...Sofia curled up in her mama's arms. She felt her teeth clamp tightly together, her jaw muscle jumping as a result.
Daniel sat nearby, head buried in a newspaper.
"It's amazing isn't it?" she heard Barbara say, stepping up behind her, looking wistfully in the same direction.
"Awesome. Yeh" flat, snarky tone evident even to her.
"You okay Callie sweetheart?" her mother-in-law questioned. Her tone no longer wistful.
She sighed "It's just....I...yeh, I'm okay" she managed.
Her mother-in-law looked at her with compassion written all over her face.
"You must be so tired." she probed gently.
She nodded, they stood silently for a moment and Barbara raised her hand to rub her shoulder, she turned to walk away.
"it's just...I don't have a story" it was a quiet whisper.
"Er...a story? I'm not sure I understand darling." the word were equally quiet, but quizzical, confused. Her mother-in-law had stopped mid turn, repositioning herself once again to be able to look at her.
"About Sofia, I mean....about her birth...I wanted babies my whole life...and..I don't have a story!" her words had taken onshe desperate quality, she knew she should stop, but now the dam had burst there was nothing she could do to stop the words from flooding out. "I wanted babies my whole life...she never wanted babies...like ever....I...don't know how long I was in labour...or even if i was in labour...I didn't feel the urge to push...I didn't get to hold her in my arms the moment she came out of my body...I wanted babies my whole life...and it's like I wasn't even there...of course I know I was...but I wasn't...she....she never wanted babies...like never...and she was there...she held her heart in her hands...she never wanted babies!" her eyes had lost the batte to not let the tears fall, her voice ragged.
"Oh sweetheart. I can't imagine.." Barbara tried to soothe, stepping into her personal space and enveloping her in her arms.
She sobbed quietly, unwilling to allow her outburst to disturb the other occupants of the room, although the rustling of the newspaper told her that Daniel had peaked over his reading material to survey the scene.
"Does Arizona know you feel this way?"
She snorted and pulled away from her mother-in-law wiping her face furiously.
"No...how can I...now...it's ridiculous...with everything else?!" she exclaimed.
"But..." Barbara started.
"No..." she hissed from between her clenched teeth.
Barbara held her hands up in a gesture of surrender, moving slowly away.
She continued to wipe at her face, unaware that sleeping ears had heard her outburst.