Crash and Burn 4/?
Title: Crash and Burn (4/?)
Author: elledee68
Rating: M
Pairing: Callie and Arizona
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Shonda Rhimes
Summary: The aftermath of the plane crash. Callie and Arizona adjust to their losses. Can each be what the other can't?
A/N: I have to admit that I'm finding writing Callie's perspective quite heavy going, I feel that have to think more about where her mind might be, which i think is possibly affecting the flow of this story. I apologise if you this the case. Feedback about this would be great!! Thank you all for reading and commenting so far.
Without further ado....
"How are you gonna get to Boston?" was the dumb question that made its way out Callies' mouth. She had no idea why, it wasn't even the question she wanted to ask. What's more, she heard the tone in her voice, like it was the most ridiculous thought Arizona ever had. And in one way it was. It's not like they'd talked about a vacation. This decision for Arizona to go and stay with her parents was totally impromptu. She internally chastised herself for her response, nonetheless.
She heard Arizona expel a sound that was half gasp and half bark if laughter, "what, because cripples can't manage cross states travel?!" incredulous tone evident.
"No! God, no Arizona. That's not what I meant." she was fighting to keep her voice even, calm. "I just meant, well, er...it's not like two blocks away, and it's not like you're gonna take a flight, and you can't drive. Er, right now I mean." She wished she could stop digging, but now she was on a roll. It's not like she'd expected to be having this conversation tonight, she felt completely blindsided, so her brain hadn't really engaged properly. Unable to completely justify the question, "I'm sorry", is what she eventually settled on, forcing her lips tight shut to avoid any further verbal diarrhoea.
Arizona had turned her head to look at her, and Callie could feel an unfamiliar iciness in her wife's glare, despite not being able to meet her eyes.
She heard Arizona let out an unsteady breath, and turned her own head to look at her. Her wife's eyes were cast down towards her hands which were placed it her lap. Her left thumb caressing the wedding band on her finger. Callie could see enough of the beautiful blue orbs to see that they were glistening with unshed tears.
Arizona had cried so many times in the last six moths, some torrential downpours, some episodes where her face distorted in a silent scream but not single tear was shed. And Callie still hadn't developed any kind of immunity to wife's emotional distress, she could feel her heart shatter into a million pieces every time. This time was no different, except it was, because she could just "feel" that Arizona was in pain because of her. "Her" indiscretion, no, her "betrayal".
She tried her best to swallow the lump of shame and guilt that had taken up residence in the back of her throat. Her heart hammered a painful beat in her chest.
She watched as a single tear made its way onto her wife's cheek and rolled slowly downwards before Arizona wiped it away with her forefinger.
Callie wanted desperately to reach out to her wife, to make some physical contact, to offer some comfort, but she found herself rooted to the spot, as if she was sitting on a time bomb, which would explode, turning everything in its range into a cloud of dust, if she moved so much as a fraction.
Her eyes closed once more, this time of their own accord, almost against her will. Her eyes wanting to block out what they were seeing.
Her eyes snapped open at Arizona's jittery attempt to answer the question.
"My folks are flying out tomorrow, first thing. They should be here by lunch time. They want to spend some time with Sofia. I'll fly back out with them on Saturday," she said rapidly, her breathing patten erratic. Her body giving away the secret of how she really felt about what she was saying.
Callie felt panic overtake her mind. Questions vied for attention. What had Arizona told her parents? Was Arizona ever going to come back? Did she know? What about Sofia? Did this mean the end of their marriage? Might Arizona change her mind by Saturday? What had Arizona told her parents? Did Arizona really want to get away from her this much?
Callie couldn't bring herself to think about the "why" question. She was a coward, scared of the answer she might get if she were to ask that specific question. Unable to confront it.
As she thought back over the course of their relationship, she realised that it was Arizona who was the "brave one" in their relationship. It was Arizona, despite her gentler personality, who would confront, and often force her to confront, what was staring them in the face. Leaving her at an airport, despite how ill conceived it proved to be, was brave. Coming back to fight for their relationship, admitting she made a mistake, in the face if what must've been heartbreaking hostility, was brave. Staying, once she'd learned of the "sorbet" with Mark, was brave. Fighting, for both her and Sofia, when the love of her life's best friend, and her baby's father called her nothing, that was brave. Yep, it may be the men in the Robbins family that served in the military, but to her, Arizona was her relationship marine, and she selfishly wished her wife would just be brave for them now. Because she couldn't, she wasn't.
Instead, she sat in silence. They sat in silence. Which was so dense that her wife's sniffles, and the trumpeting of the pink elephant that had taken up residence on the sofa next to her, all but deafened her. She shifted on the sofa slightly, turning her back on the elephant and faced her wife.
She reached out a shaking hand and tenderly placed it on top of her wife's, she interlinked their fingers lightly. Relief spread through her when her wife didn't flinch from the touch.
She opened her mouth to speak, not really having any plan about what she was going to say, but she was interrupted by her wife.
"I'm sorry", she cried, "I'm just so...I just feel so...I'm sorry". Callie filled in the gaps for her wife with the adjectives "damaged" and "broken". Knowing the truth. "I just don't know....." She trialled off.
"How much more I can take" Callie subconsciously, but silently, cowardly, ended the sentence for her.
Still, she was unable to find her voice.
"I love you." the melancholy whisper ricocheted around the silent room and found its target deep within her chest. She felt her heart ache and then start to bleed like she'd been mortally wounded.
"and Sofia." the second shot from the same firearm killed her on impact.
Callie knew that Sofia was never an afterthought for her wife, in fact, she knew that, if Arizona had a choice about who she loved most, she'd chose their daughter. It killed Callie that she always seemed to feel the need to reassure her that their daughter was loved by her mama.
"I know. And we love you", this response was easy.
She shuffled closer to her wife, who was nodding her head. She felt Arizona's posture change subtly, as if bracing herself for the contact she though might be coming.
She wrapped an arm around her wife's shoulder and pulled towards her. Arizona didn't resist and leaned into her slightly. Callie wasn't altogether surprised at this, she'd discovered in the last six months, that her wife had the capacity to be "clingy", and she took some comfort in it right in this moment.
She leaned in, resting her chin on her wife's shoulder. Inching closer, she nuzzled her nose into that intimate space below her ear. It was that movement that caused her wife to stiffen. Callie felt it instantly.
She also became aware of her wife shrugging her off and shuffling to create space between them again.
Foolishly she shuffled again towards her wife.
"Callie, please don't", her wife requested.
She froze, mid movement.
"Listen, I just can't be here right now" her wife said as she made to stand up, eventually securing her balance.
"I've booked into a hotel for tonight".
For a reason unknown to Callie, the prospect of her wife leaving their home tonight made her heckles rise, and she responded with familiar anger. She sprang to her feet.
"What, so you're leaving? Because you don't want to be here! What about us, me, and Sofia! You're bailing! Again", she spat out with more venom than any one person should possess.
She saw the shift in her wife, despite her own blind rage.
"Yeah? Well at least you'll have Katherine Henderson to keep you company! And no, I didn't tell my parents that I married a slut!" the blows hit low, as intended no doubt.
Callie felt her jaw fall towards the floor as she watched her wife turn, awkwardly grab hold of her case, and head out of the door. Slamming it behind her.
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